I wish I could tell everybody that...

I wish i could tell everyone exactly what it's like to be an autistic, pansexual, non-binary, aromantic person trying to live in an NT, heteronormative, cis-centric, amantonormative world.
What you may find intuitive I can easily find alien and arcane.

I'm really a huge mess inside, I don't have anyone who knows how toxic I feel inside, and that my outer appearance is all an act, so that others aren't repulsed by me.

I wish you would all know that I experience depression, and I have anxiety issues, which only intensifies the hatred I have towards myself.

I don't want my past to define me, but it seems I can't escape it. The more I try to leave it behind the more I think about it in my sleep, in my dreams. Are my decisions getting worse? Is my condition going to always control my life? I'm alone and people don't want to listen or help.

I've been physically abused by my own brother and my siblings and mom didn't stand up for me. I later had a nightmare about this true event and woke up hysterical and no one wanted to help me, I was physically shoved away. It makes me want to hurt myself, it makes me sad to see how little they value my safety, how they live in denial.

I wish I could tell everybody that my entire life was a lie. That all the happy family we acted like, was just it, acting. I wish they knew that I loved hanging out with people and I loved dancing. That I love playing pranks. I wish they knew that I'm more than just a scholar. I wish they would want to be friends with me than the personality that I am with which I cannot connect. I wish I could turn the clock and I swear I wouldn't be Miss Goody-Two-Shoes and I won't touch books. I'll spend my childhood like a chils should have.

Just how much pain I am in 24/7, without them feeling uncomfortable. Without the comments. Without the judgment.

I wish I could explain what it is like to live a life, where you are constantly grieving for the life you've never got a chance to live.

To explain the frustration I have, being a 20 year old who feels like they are in the body of an 80 year old. How giving up work is the last thing I want to do - I'm not lazy!

Basically I wish I could tell everyone just how awful my life has become, how I'm scared this is forever and I'm scared because I thought about ending things....

I wish I could tell everybody that I am hurting and it be okay :)

... That they aren't not alone in facing their demons and that they are very brave to have faced them all this while. You are a wonderful person and a strong soul. Don't ever give up

I wish I could tell everyone that, although I'm more confused and unsure about being ftm, I still consider myself trans and NOT a girl!! Just because I appear 'female' doesn't mean my feelings have changed about my gender (I'm just working with what I got & trying to stay safe). I came out already, I wish everyone in my life would remember that.

My parents are a lot more awful than they seem despite their professional/glamorous appearance