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Friends & Family - How to Respond
KristenHR February 28th
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How Friends & Family Can Respond

Many times it's difficult to know how to respond to the person you know with an eating disorder.  There are things that we can say that help and things we can say that hinders and can really trigger someone.  Let's look at these factors on how to respond to someone with an eating disorder when we have concerns or we want to be supportive.

What to Say to be Supportive

  • What is validating and encouraging for individuals to hear when they are struggling to eat or struggling to stop the binge or purge cycle?
  • What is validating for an individual who is struggling with an eating disorder when you see there is something to acknowledge is difficult or successful?
  • How can we be as supportive as possible for the individual who is struggling?

It can be helpful to ask the individual how to support them best.

Eating disorders obviously focus on food and for most, body image, but is much deeper than this.  Understanding what other issues are going on is important, as much as they are willing to discuss with you.

What Not to Say

  • What would be triggering to an individual with an eating disorder that would perpetuate the eating disorder?
  • What comments are not meant to be hurtful but are hurtful to someone with an eating disorder?
  • How can making a statement about someone's body impact their eating disorder?

It's important to know that telling someone that they have gained or lost weight as well as commenting on someone's body shape can be very triggering to someone with an eating disorder.  It's not just necessarily having difficulty with feelings, but can actually be taken as confirmation of their eating disorder behavior or that they need to increase their eating disorder behavior.

Avoiding commenting on how much or little someone with an eating disorder is eating is important.  If they are under the care of a professional, they likely have a meal plan.  Unless you are part of their care team, you may not be privy to what their meal plan is and how much they are supposed to eat or what they are to eat and why at this time they should be eating.  If you are part of their care team, being aware of how to share encouragement or challenges if they aren't eating according to their meal plan.

For those of you who have an eating disorder, please share what is helpful and not helpful to say.  Please share why it is or isn't helpful so that our loved ones can understand better about communicating concerns and help.

What are your thoughts?


4
ASilentObserver March 5th
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@KristenHR Thank you for sharing such a key post, Kristen. I agree with you ED is a challenging issue and not having enough support can make it harder especially from those around you. And at same time, other side maybe be unware of how and what to say to support one with the struggle. So knowing these tips are helpful and good start for us to support one in their healing journey. 

Michelh1996 March 5th
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I find this a difficult aspect, as from experience I have felt that my parents are very bad at this. Which results in us often speaking in "a different language". Basically meaning not being on the same page, and not understanding or helping each other discussing it.

It is easy to get frustrated that way and it usually makes me feel like it is stupid or I am making a problem out of nothing. Which doesn't help with self care and coming to terms with your own eating problems.

I think one of the main causes of this is the ability (or lack of) to empathize by asking the right questions to help reflect and understand. Maybe also the willingness, which is maybe connected to some guilt or fear because of lack of understanding at the listeners end.

Especially on the point of asking the right questions, I notice such a difference when I started talking to a therapist, who can do this a lot better of course. I believe it is difficult to ask from everyone to learn the skills and tricks to be able to listen well and deal with my problems in discussions. But there is a responsibility there to try. Just as there is a responsibillity for me to make known what I am going through and what I need from them in that moment. But this is something I really need to work on as well.

KristenHR OP March 6th
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@Michelh1996

Thank you for your response.  I think you bring up very important information that others can relate to as well.

I'm really glad talking to a therapist has been beneficial for you. Have you found that having someone to support you and talk with you who is non-judgmental has been helpful?  I'm really glad to hear that your therapist asks good questions.

I've had some supportive friends and family members of trauma meet together to support their loved ones and they have found it very helpful to learn more about how to be supportive.  I think it would be very beneficial for those who have friends and loved ones struggling with eating disorders to seek support as well.  Have your parents ever joined a support group for them to learn about how to support you in your journey of recovery? 


Michelh1996 March 6th
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@KristenHR Not yet, I have only recently decided to seek professional help and with that, had to open up to my parents as well. I felt like it helped us bond, because of course they're my parents and they care a lot. But since it is still new and early stages, we still need to find more understanding.

Which I imagine in a situation of being a parent is also a bit more complicated, as for some cases especially you care a lot about your child and maybe also blame yourself a bit for the situation. Which might lead to misunderstanding or frustration that also needs some common understanding and care I think.

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