My little disability space [TW]
Hi! My name is Avy. I'm 15 years old. Basically I am going to use this space to rant about pain, the affects of my disability, and weird little things about it no one notices.
Let me explain my story a little bit:
So in 2021 I was playing soccer and I got stepped on, and then stepped on again early 2022. I went to my doctor and she sent me to an orthopedic doctor. That was when the surgeon said he was surprised I hadn't been to see him sooner. Because of my injury I ended up with severe tendinitis and arthritis in my foot. I was sent to physical therapy. Through months of intense physical therapy 4 times a week and going to the surgeon every 3 weeks, he figured this out. I have naturally high arches, it runs in my family. But for some reason the tendons in my foot stopped growing when I was about 7. Which explains why my feet have always hurt. As I'm getting older and taller it's getting worse and one day the tendons in my feet will snap. I also have tri-pod foot (that's what he called it) from my heels being misaligned. Basically only 3 really small points on my feet ever touch the ground. Not even my toes 😨. I've gone through 2 pairs of inserts, I do physical therapy every dang day, and nothings working. Basically now my only option is surgery. Since I've been limping for 2 years my knee has been affected and so has my hips. This whole process has been really isolating and discouraging. I kind of just want it over.
Anyway lots of weird things happen so I'll share them here!
I woke up in the worst pain I've had in a long time. I keep thinking "it can't get worse" but it can. And it did. I feel like I got hit by a truck (at first this said bit by a truck 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭) my knee turned purple the other day, and my foot is barely functioning anymore. It just sucks, so bad. I'm counting down the days til my test, til July, when I have my surgery, and I just.... I know it's so far away. It's really hard. I can't just say i need to stay in bed today. Even though I do. I don't have that choice. Between my mental health and all my pain I'm just so tired. I wish the doctors would hurry up all ready 😞😞
TWWWW- im not in a crisis, dont mean to come across that way (: also mentions of sledgehammers, surgery, neglect
so i went to my grandmas yesterday, she used to work at a doctors office and was like a nurse / pa, i don't really remember what specifically she did. she looked at my knee for a bit and listened to my symptoms and was like honey you either tore your meniscus or some other form of cartilage. this is bad. she then made me sit and rest, even though she full well knows that i cant stop and rest at home. things have gotten so bad. i was cleaning my room and told my mom "alright, im almost done but i just need to sit down" and she said, no you don't need too, you want too. and i just looked her dead in the eyes as my literal foot was numb. that happened before too, i was watching a show and she was about to leave and asked me why i was still sitting down and i said, my foot is numb, im waiting for it to pass. she said sure mhm okay, say hi to your friends for me. im so freaking sick and tired of being neglected and taken advantage of. not sure if this next sentence is allowed on cups but im seriously thinking about applying for emancipation. i just wanna get out of here. i fell into the rabbit hole of WebMD last night, and i saw that if you start to develop arthritis in your knee, or if your knee issues are caused by a genetic condition / other chronic issue, and you are young, your doctor might recommend a knee replacement. I've seen many videos of that surgery. it involves sledgehammers.
is it so much to ask for, to ask God or whoever is out there, to give me a break? i have no clue what i did wrong. maybe i was a serial killer in a past life (explains a lot.... xD), and im just being punished.
@AvyIsKing no sweetie God loved you ❤ one day you will see that he does ❤ I know grandma's ill. But is there any way you can go stay with her for a while?? I mean something needs to happen, where you can be safe and looked after properly. The extra damage your mum is causing to your disability, is terrible😥 I really feel for you, I'm so sorry life is soooo bad right now. But it won't be forever, it will get better, I promise. Just please keep going strong, your incredibly amazing and awsome, and a great friend, I love you ❤ it will get better. It really will. Blows a protective bubble around you ❤ and hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I love you too ❤❤ big hugs ❤❤ I really needed to hear this today 🥺
I'm trying to Work on a way to become a legal adult without letting the government know we are abused so my sister can stay here
@AvyIsKing 😟 it's a terrible situation your in 😞 I really wish I had the power to be able to help you, but I dont. I hate that your suffering so badly, and it's been made so much worse because of your mum. It's truly heartbreaking. I don't blame you for wanting to get away from your mum. Gives you a huge hug ❤ wipes away your tears, I love you ❤ you are loved by many here, we are like one big family. And I'll always be right here for you ❤
@Tinywhisper11
lola you are helping so much. you listen to me and support me. one day it will all be better. and ill be okay. its just hard to wait. i love you so much <3 i don't know what id do without my cups family
@AvyIsKing yes it will be all better one day, and you will have a amazing life. ❤❤ waiting for change for a break can seem like a long time, but your doing so well ❤ it's all gonna be ok ❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
Huge hugs ❤❤ I had band so I'm feeling a little better, just in so much pain
@AvyIsKing aww how was band?? It's a nice way of taking your mind if things for a while. I hope oneday I'll hear you play. Dw when your rich and famous I'll get to hear all your music, and play it constantly on repeat ❤❤ hugs your pain away ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
big big hugs. Band was good, just painful.
And maybe just maybe ill figure out a way to send you some music i play 🥺🥺 tis the least i can do, youve done so much for me, i love you so much
@AvyIsKing awww your so sweet ❤❤ you've always been there for me too ❤❤ that's what friends do ❤ I hope you can relax a bit today, stay of your leg. Hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11
my best friend came to visit me yesterday, she lives in ohio (its like a 10 hour driveeeeeeee) and today we are going to the park. ive already let her know my limitations and how ill try but im just not as strong as i used to be, doesnt mean im not going to climb a tree. i love you <3
My mom is going to call the doctor for my knee tomorrow
@AvyIsKing you jumped out of a tree 😂😂 ohhhh! No! What are we gonna do with you😂😂 did you at least have fun with your friend??!
and yaaaay! It's about time she phoned the doctors. Please let me know how it goes. Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
yess! We were running from a lady who was... scary to say the least 😅😅 tmr we are going to a town to walk around!
@AvyIsKing oh no a crazy lady😂😂😂 have fun looking around town ❤ just avoid scary people and trees ❤❤
@AvyIsKing I'm so glad your seeing him ❤❤ I don't need to be in any more pain, but just do a few star jumps, in the morning before you see him😁 have fun in band tonight ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11
hmmm I will probably do that, i just want help 😅
i will. Not in the greatest place mentally but my comfort person is there so i can have a hug
@AvyIsKing awww I wish I could give you a hug too ❤ and please don't really do the star jumps😂😂 hopefully band will help you feel a bit better mentally, I'm right here if you ever need to talk or vent ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I'm ok, just thinking 😅 i love you ❤️
My knee turned purple.
My mom blamed me.
My friends wanna know why im so thin. Why i always lool over my shoulder. Why i shudder when someone talks to me
why i always look like i wanna cry
my friend most likely has a tumor she needs removed
why is my life this way? Im just a kid
@AvyIsKing you are just a kid, and you should be slowed to be living like a kid. It's very sad that this is your situation😥 it's like your being forced to grow up way to early😞 it's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry this is all happening to you.
but guess what! Being a adult, doesn't mean you have to grow up and loose the child in you. Did you have a good time in band?? Are you nervous about your doctor appointment??
hugs you tightly ❤❤ it's all gonna be ok ❤
@Tinywhisper11
band was band. I got a hug from my friend. Idk it just was. Im not nervous for my doctor's appointment, i just genuinely just need help
@AvyIsKing I really hope they will hurry up and help you. Your really struggling mentally right now, I know 😥 it's hard, it's a challenge, but it's nothing you can't get through. You've already gone through the worst part of life, and your still going strong. It's all gonna be ok ❤ ❤ I love you ❤
@Tinywhisper11
i love you too ❤️ i guess im just having a rough week? Maybe things will get better (: i got 2 days until my doctors appointment, i get to see my grandma tomorrow (not the sick one, the really nice one, my moms mom) two fridays from now is my band concert which means i can have my mom drop me off at the church super early and not pick me up til after, meaning it will just be me and my friends all day, which will be really relaxing.
The only thing i wish was that i wasnt alone. Like in real life. i was in a really bad crisis two nights ago and I messaged all my people at like 11:30 being like hey i cant be alone rn can you stay awake with me for a bit? No one messaged, except my one friend who an hour later said sorry cant help. These sre people ive stayed up for, people ive put myself in harms way for, people who said they loved me. It wasn't just one person, it was 5. I just wish someone cared
@AvyIsKing awww sweetie 😟 I'm so sorry, it seems like most people only think of themselves. But not everyone does, some people are genuinely good people, like you ❤❤ is your mum and sister gonna watch your concert. If I was there I'd embarrass you, by crying with pride and occasionally shouting "I know that girl, she's my frien d, woohooogo avvvvyyyy " 😁 I hope you have fun seeing your nic e grandma. If she offers money, take it!!😁 I love you ❤ and your right it's just a bad week, better times are coming, you'll see ❤❤ stay safe sweetie ❤
@Tinywhisper11
awwwww 🥺🥺 yes my mum ane sister are going, might convince my friend to go as well. Im super excited 🥺 also you can't embarrass meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee i dont get embarrassed (: id love to have you there. We are playing 7 peices which is a new record for me 😭 its a lot of work and pressure because i now play a higher part but im so excited
i love you so much lola ❤️❤️❤️❤️
@AvyIsKing your gonna be amazing, have wish I could be there to hear you ❤❤ must be quite nerve wracking though. Your very brave, a star 🌟 goodluck at the doctors tommorow. Let me know how it goes ❤❤ tell them what the pain is like when it's at its worst ❤
@Tinywhisper11
im never worried before a concert unless i have a solo. this one is going to be sad because its my last with a few people i love dearly. <3 and i totally will, im more scared for that. my knee hasn't been hurting much the last day or 2 and im scared they are going to say its no big deal and just be like ur fine go home
@AvyIsKing yep! They will. My carers tell me you gotta tell the doctors how you are on the worst day, and make sure they know it's more bad than it is good. They need to see you at your worst, that way they will help you quicker ❤❤
Woooo!!! Doctors appointment in a few!
Im nervous and scared but hopeful!
Imma do squats til it hurts 😭
So
i tore something in my knee but i missed what the dr said xD its healing naturally and is almost done so no worries there
hOwEvEr my knee cap is mis-aligned so it shifts wayyyyy to the outside whenever i bend it.
so im going back to physical therapy
the dr said i have more issues but they'd have to do an MRI to see what said issues are and im having a test done in like 3 weeks so just do that instead
its been a while so i thought id update my diagnosis (: just wanted a general post of all of the things out there. if its marked old its from before i made this post originally in December! new is after that post xD
plantar fasciitis (old)
tendonitis of the plantar fascia (old)
cavus foot deformity in right foot (old)
tripod of the right foot (old)
arthritis of the foot (new)
severe cavus deformity in both feet (updated old diagnosis)
severe chronic pain (new)
unsteady gait (new)
pigeon toed (don't know the correct term for thisssssss)
anddddd patella-tracking disorder :D
im so broken TvT
PT is working
that pisses me off and scares me
i went to pt when the issue started and if i couldve fixed it then , i will have been in pain for 2 YEARS for nothing
also what if the pain goes away then comes back
like my foot tendon doesnt feel like a rock rn but what if it does
I don't wanna be in pt til i d!e
or what if we decide this worked and stop doing all the dr stuff and it comes back and i have the start over and just
@AvyIsKing hey you ❤❤ don't worry you won't have to start all over again, they will fix you ❤ and if they don't well I'll come down there and sort them out. I cringed reading about your knee cap, ewwww! And owwwwww! 2 years is a very long time😥 but physical therapy is a good thing, and the test in a few weeks. See things are moving, slowly, but their moving. Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤ how are you doing today?
@Tinywhisper11
what if the doctors decide this worked and cancel the test and then it stops working and i have to start all over? i don't think i can do this all over again. my knee isn't that bad, it just hurts a lot. My physical therapist is working a lot on my foot and my tendons more than my knee, because my foot caused my knee. im really sore and really tired and she gave me blood blisters. but i have band today. how are you doing love?
@AvyIsKing it's only worked and helped so much. So their not just gonna put this off. I mean your knee out of place, your poor foot, they can't just let you suffer. Especially considering your age. They will make you better ❤ so don't worry ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11
Hugs ❤❤ I'm so scared I'm going to suffer more
@AvyIsKing I know sweetie, pain is just the hardest thing to have to deal with😥 but don't be scared, they know how bad you are, and their gonna help you, it's all gonna be ok ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤ try not to worry, it will be ok ❤
@Tinywhisper11
pain is all I've ever known
i dont want to hurt forever but im also scared to not hurt. THe pain stops the thinking
@AvyIsKing I know sweetie😥 I can sympathise with you there. But let's stop the physical pain, and then I can try help you with mental pain ❤ my arms will always be open to hug you, and wipe away your tears, things will get better, life will start getting good for you ❤ and until it does you have me and all your other friends here, to pick you up when things get hard ❤❤ I love you ❤
There is something so enraging about my sister having a lil ingrown toenail and it being infected and my mom taking care of her and her screaming and crying and I have the exact same issue and my mom let's me suffer. It happens all the time. I'm in pain and I'm forced to do work and function but the second my sister has a lil boo boo it's like her life is so terrible and my mom needs to coddle her. I wish I had that care
I wish my mom held me when I was sad and scared and hurting and let me take time to heal and rest
She just said
I'm always in pain and there is nothing I can do about it and it's so FRUSTRATING but its fine.
She's never had pain in her life. Like she doesn't. Oh her toenail hurts because she's in dance. Bull crap. She does it to herself. And awwww her teeth hurt because they are a lik crooked. I've literally had to pull my teeth I the correct place and I have impacted wisdom teeth that I can't get pulled because of insurance that my Dr is URGING me to get removed
My sister is so selfish it's so dumb. U get it everyone's pain is valid but she gets a lil cut and she's crying or she takes Tylenol for every lik headache and I can't do that and it's so angering
@AvyIsKing I'm so sorry sweetie😞 you deserve to be loved and looked after properly, by someone who actually cares and loves you. It's very sad that you don't have that😥 it must be so hard to see your mum favour your little sister like that😞 and it shouldn't be happening.
if your pain stops or eases, then that's a blessing in disguise ❤ but it won't sort out the fact that you have theese disabilities, they are still there, so if they can help you, like with surgery, then they will. Don't be afraid ❤❤ I'm here with you, always ❤ it's all gonna be ok, and soon ❤ hugs you tightly ❤
@Tinywhisper11
its really sad and crushing to see
i did get some good news at band yesterday and ill say more about it Friday eheh
@AvyIsKing hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love and care about you ❤ and good news!?! Ok when's Friday🤔🤔 wait it's only Sunday😮😮 fine I'll be patient😁
@Tinywhisper11
actually I'll tell u now
so my band director gave me a massive solo in band
one ofthe things my band does is we dedicate solos to people before hand, or certain songs. Its a weird thing. Like my friemd is playing a solo peice because shes graduating and its for her youth leader
anyway imma dedicate my solo to you because u are amazing and just yeah 🥺 anyway its just a lil like thing, some girls pray, it helps take the nerves away
@AvyIsKing your gonna dedicate a solo piece to me? Me? I'm speechless, you've actually done the impossible and made me shut up. Avy I love you so so much, this is the sweetest, kindest gift anyone could ever give me ❤❤ I'm so honoured to just be your friend, and then you go do something like this, your just the best friend anyone could ever wish for ❤ and congratulations in getting the solo, you are very talented and instructor can clearly see that ❤❤ I'm so proud of you ❤ and still speechless ❤❤ I love you ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I love you too ❤️❤️ its supposed to be a person we love, someone we owe the world to, someone that we know will never be disappointed, even if we mess up. ANd the best part is my solo will be allllll made up on the spot so its 100% original work 🥺
@AvyIsKing 😭😭😭😭😭😭 your gonna make it up on the spot. I just know with all the love and kindness that's in your heart, it will be the best song ever ❤❤❤ hugs you and gets you wet with happy tears 😭😭😁😁😭😁 and nope your stick with me, there's nothing you could do to make me stop living you ❤❤ thank you sweetie, thank you so so sooooo much ❤
@Tinywhisper11
yeahhhh improvational jazz solos are stressful but fun! And its in a nice pitch so I just go nuts and i make it sound fun and cool!!! Lola i love you so much. And good i wanna be stuck with you forever
@AvyIsKing 😁❤
@Tinywhisper11 that's right even our farts are love 😁😂😂
@Tinywhisper11
xD you are too much sometimes lola! kidding, never change sweetie <3
@AvyIsKing 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁 how are you feeling today?
@Tinywhisper11
i had a really rough day. How are you doing?
my mom caught me humming while i was doing my stretches and she gave me a lecture on how i need to focus, which i have an inability to do so, and how i need to focus on my stretches. if i sit and think then i freak out and it never goes well, so i like to make melodies while i stretch. she started going on how all of this was my fault and i need to be more intune with my body and focus on it because if i pay attention to my body then it will feel better? i told her i know anatomy and if i wanna move a certain muscle i know exactly where it is and to move it and she said you arent getting the point and i was getting annoyed because SHE wasn't getting the point, and she looked at me and was like if u cared u would've felt better by now. i looked her in the eyes and was like i hate my body and it hates me. she got so mad at me. she called me useless and dumb and told me shes done after my test on the 14th. no more doctors, its stupid and a waste of her time. she told me today shes gonna watch me do my stretches and that scares me. when i was at pt she was grabbing my leg and holding it in place and my therapist lady was like please don't do that, i need to see how her body reacts and is changing. then when stretching my calf muscle my mom decided i wasn't going far enough so she pushed my leg and i almost screamed it hurt so bad, but we were in public. last night i pushed myself so hard during my stretches i was sobbing and silently cursing. i want her to see I've made progress. she doesn't want a crippled kid, who can blame her? . i also have terribly nightmares but idk that's my life.