Advice on depression making someone leave the relationship
Could anyone explain to me whether depression makes someone leave you?
Context- my partner of 2 years left me - he was depressed for years and when we started dating kept changing his mind about things eg didn't know if wanted a relationship, had family issues, etc etc. Eventually l snapped and had a mini breakdown as l suffer from anxiety and the months of upheaval and his indecisiveness took its toll.
In response to me breaking down he said that in fact it was ME who caused all his depression (even though he had it since his teens) and that he was leaving me. However all the while before this point up until 2 hours of him leaving he was telling me he loved me and planning our future. On his way out he said he wasn't in love with me.
complete mind f**k and he's made me feel guilty as though everything is my fault
Can anyone advise me on if they've experienced this or any insight from people who experience depression? I don't know if this is just a blip and he will come back after a while....
@agreeableTortoise1748
I am actually going through a similar situation right now, its actually why i came to read these forums. one of the main parts of depression is self isolation, believeing that you are not worthy and hating yourself. Sometimes it gets hard to distinguish the man you're used to dating to the man who can say mean and hurtful things to you to push you away because of the depression. At a certain point you havev to decide to pick yourself if you just keep getting hurt
@helpfulPond3973
i know what you mean, but l didn't want the relationship to end he just decided out of the blue and blamed me for all of his depression! He didn't want to get help either and i can't quite believe how he hasn't even text or called
@agreeableTortoise1748
we're not dating the same guy are we 😂
In my own personal experience, they come back. The only problem is they can be so caught up in their own pain that they can't realize how much pain they cause you by leaving. They think that they're doing what's best sometimes. It's really hard to want to keep loving someone who continues to do it to you. In my case, I don't want to love him, but still do.
is this the first time you've broken up? Do you know anything that triggered that strong reaction to where he just wanted to dump you?
@helpfulPond3973
god knows if we are; but maybe they are long lost twins haha
i completely agree - and I still love him too even though I know this is very unhealthy. For example today l keep wondering where he is why he isn't regretting it and why he seems to be totally fine with us being apart
this is the first time we have broken up but it feels final. I tried to say to have time apart in case the lockdown was having an effect, but he said no and it was final.
he was depressed from long before me as childhood issues and his relationship with his family was really unhealthy even though he would never admit it. When we got together he put me through a year of hell, one foot in one foot out, and eventually as I suffer from anxiety I had a mini breakdown. I was probably a nasty person during this time but I apologised and was going to therapy. In the end he said it's me who caused all his depression and how because of my breakdown I caused him negative issues and he wanted to break up.
was so sudden, on the day he left he was telling me we would be engaged by the end of the year and how he loves me. Then 2 hours later said he was leaving and wasn't in love with me anymore
I can't help but wonder if this was his depression speaking and will he be back? But then again he made it clear it was final and this is the longest we haven't spoken so it may well be...
@agreeableTortoise1748
i understand where you're coming from, I too get anxiety and have had it triggered by my partners behavior. It's hard to fight the anxious voices after a while that tell you over and over that you meant nothing to him. He probably does miss you but is trying distract himself from talking to you, much the way you are right now. It's great that you have gone to therapy to work on your anxiety and own mental health. I've tried that as well but couldn't find a good therapist.
my guy refuses to try therapy again after not getting anything from it too and didn't listen to me when I told him to get medicated.
He very well might come back, but you might want to set boundaries and rules first so you can look out for yourself. Please don't make the mistake I did this last time and get hopeful only to have him back away again.
I unfortunately have over 3 years experience in this area.
@helpfulPond3973
sorry to hear that but I am here to support you!
so your partner came back? Would you mind sharing how long after and any insight? I know l can't hold on to hope of the same, but l do wonder given this entire thing is so out of character...
@agreeableTortoise1748
im really glad I found your post to speak to you. Sometimes it's hard for people to relate and understand the situation if they aren't in it. It's easier to rationalize the behavior and become more informed on your partners needs or condition if you hear about it from someone else who is willing to share. Especially when partners like ours are so unwilling to.
But yes, he and I have broken up 3 times because of this. He pushes me away and often does cruel things to make sure I stay away or to make me hate him. For me, he usually rebounds extremely quickly because he can't be alone. I'm a big believer in absolutely no contact so I never reach out to him, I give him his, and he unfortunately knows I won't reject speaking to him if he reaches out to me.
We broke up in November, it was ugly, he basically flipped out on me too; broke my heart. He reached out to me in March because he was contemplating ending himself. I kept speaking to him but refused to see him or accept gifts until May where I cut off communication because it was too hard for me emotionally. He came back again 2 weeks ago with what I thought was progress but flipped back again and I ended communication with him yesterday.
It's hard, because he's amazing when he decides to fight his depression. He's someone completely different when he lets it take control of his mind. He also has extreme abandonment issues, so his solution is to not be left by leaving me.
@helpfulPond3973
Good grief. First of all l am so sorry you are going through this. I want you to know l am here to support you in any way I can. Happy we have connected.
Seems like he left in November and came back after 4 months. This is interesting as some people have suggested my partner will be back in a few months. Would you say you should have ceased all communication from back then? In hindsight? I would have done the same as you though. Do you think this time is the real end for you?
@agreeableTortoise1748
I'm super glad we connected to! I'm here to support you and answer an questions you may have.
But yes, the gaps in us speaking are about a month or more. The longest has been that 4 months. It's been 7 months since we've actually seen each other because this time around I set strict boundaries and made it clear that it wasn't the same as before.
I know how bad he gets, and unfortunately I love him to much to reject his attempts to communicate with me because despite his unwillingness to share his depression with me, I'm the only one he actually does share it with because I'm the only one that pushes him. I don't regret replying to him because if I didn't he may have actually done something to himself. I know he's only reaching out because he needs someone and I'm the one who will hear his cry for help. It's an extremely conflicting place to be.
He's also admitted to stalking my social media everyday when we're apart, he still kept all of my photos, saved me memes or things to send me for when we would be okay again. So, he knows he loves me and he's going to come back when he gets enough control over his depression to try.
The main goal of depression is to make you feel alone and if you do love someone, you're a burden to them. Sometimes I think the only thing keeping him from doing anything is because he wouldn't want to burden anyone with his death. He thinks it's his responsibility to keep going just to not destroy his family with his death.
@helpfulPond3973
omg this is exactly how l think my ex feels. i don't blame you either and I would have done the same, especially if he needed help from preventing harm to himself. Did your partner ever say anything to suggest it was "final" the first time he left? Mine did so am keen to hear. Mine also said he loved me but then two mins later said he didn't. And planned our entire future!
@agreeableTortoise1748
In November he told me that he didn't love me and didn't see a future with me anymore. For me not to contact him again and we blocked each other on social media. It was really ugly. A few days before that,we had a conversation about his depression and how he felt embarrassed to let me see him at his lowest. After that he ghosted next for a few days and I ended up snapping and going off on him so he broke up with me. Before that we had been together for a year and a half with no breakups.
with him I notice he immediately falls back 4 steps after trying to move one forward.
I know he loves me, even though we never said it in person; that's a whole different story. But it gets really hard, if he came back this time I would have to give him the ultimatum of going to therapy and trying couples therapy at a point so we can stop this cycle.
@helpfulPond3973
wow this is so similar. Here for you!
i have thought about what l would do if he came back and l think given he refused all therapy or medication so far, I'd have to insist something changed too....
it's just so difficult to move on or have closure when the situation seems so unfair and out of the blue
@agreeableTortoise1748
I'm glad there's a place here for people to find similarities because loving someone with depression is really hard. we really do go through a lot of the same things. I hope to one day connect here with someone who is on the opposite side of our situation so we can get a better insight.
Unfortunately, we can't make them do anything like get treatment or even listen to us. But the most we can do is offer our support and encouragement and hope they take it.
sometimes I wish they could understand the pain they can cause when they leave, it's hard for them because they're in their own pain most of the time. I really do try to be understanding, but it takes a toll emotionally too.
@helpfulPond3973
I agree with you. The issue for me is I don't think he will come back, and I can't live in the hope he will, given it's been radio silence so far :-(
@agreeableTortoise1748
I think the thing that makes it hard to move on from and get closure is all the mixed messages. I have spent for too many hours thinking aout the things he said or did before he would dump me out of the blue. I get why you are so cinfused because it happens to me. Alot of times it can be night and day in personalities because of the condition. I have tried my best to be understanding and supportive over the years but it does take a huge emotional toll.
For you, I think its best to try to understand that its something he needs to figure out on his own but you can't hold youre breath. You can only hold your breath for so long before you just cause yourself pain. More than likely. he will be back, I too think everytime is the final one even if experience has shown me otherwise. As of right now just try to go on with your day and not think about him too much, which is a lot easier to type than it is to actually do.
How long ago did you last speak to him and breakup?
@helpfulPond3973
thanks for the advice it means more than you know
we broke up a month ago and since then nothing, except when he reached out only to ask me to collect my stuff from his apartment (which I haven't brought myself to do yet as will mean l see him, and l don't know how to act)
@agreeableTortoise1748
im glad I could help you! In a way talking about it and explaining it helped me too.
how stubborn is he usually?
if you don't want to get your things you can always ask him to take it to your place and leave it so you don't have to see him. That's what I did, I returned everything he had ever given me and just left it at his door. I didn't want any lingering memories of him.
@helpfulPond3973
he is usually stubborn but when it came to me he always told me about our future plans, his love for me. Right up to the end. So this is a complete change of mind. i somehow doubt he will be back..
as for his stuff, I guess I could do this. I guess in a wierd way I want to see him to see with my eyes that he really is over it (as he is making out to be)
@agreeableTortoise1748
i think you should take some time to consider your options before you decide on how to get your things.
I'm really proud of you for lasting so long in not talking to him. a month is a long time and you're doing a good job!
These types of breakups are extremely painful just because they're so complex and messy.
@helpfulPond3973
thank you one month has been so hard and I can't believe he hasn't called...:-(
@agreeableTortoise1748
he probably thinks about it sometimes. like with me, even though he had found a rebound, he still has all my pictures and videos saved.
@helpfulPond3973
oh god the thought of him with someone else makes me feel ill
@agreeableTortoise1748
that was usually my reaction and still is. Unfortunately for me, this guy can't be alone and rebounds to try to convince himself that he made the right decision. I made him promise me that he wouldn't try to throw it in my face this time.
@helpfulPond3973
that is honestly horrible and I am here for you to support you
@agreeableTortoise1748
thank you, I'm trying to focus on my school right now but it's hard. For some reason today I just crashed ugly and got caught up in memories. I hope you're doing well
@helpfulPond3973
here if you need to chat, I have good days and bad. Still trying to process it
@agreeableTortoise1748
for some reason, this past weekend was really hard for me. I started thinking about how everything was at this point last year and all my emotions came out like a damn breaking. I'm trying to channel it into anger at him so it'll hurt less.
@helpfulPond3973
this is me right now, I feel what you feel! Except I can't hate him, as much as I try
@agreeableTortoise1748
he blocked me temporarily on insta this weekend, I'm guessing because he posted he was with another girl. I'm trying really hard to hate him and be angry that he got back with her so quickly. It makes me think that he must've just fought with her and second guessed himself and came to me as a second option, then went back. He hurts me so much.
@helpfulPond3973
That is so hurtful. Thing is, if he has moved on then I guess you have no choice but to take the time to heal. Would you want this person back at this stage?
@agreeableTortoise1748
hes done this before, he can't be alone. He needs a distraction and forces himself into a new thing quickly to prove to himself he made the right decision. Last time I spoke to him he told me that he still had every picture I sent him. He probably still loves me but I decided I can't do this anymore. I blocked his texts and calls so that when he tries to come back it won't set me back in trying to get over him, again.
@helpfulPond3973
i think that's good for your mindset, at least for now. Otherwise you will be in a continuous loop and at his mercy. I am here to support you
@agreeableTortoise1748
thank you, it's helped a lot to talk to you knowing that you're going through the exact same thing.
How are you feeling?
@helpfulPond3973
well I have to collect my stuff from his next week, so l am panicking so much about it and don't know how to act
@agreeableTortoise1748
I know the anticipation must be so nerve racking! I think it'll be a good chance for you to get closer to finding a possible closure and peace so that you don't get stuck in an emotional limbo. You're really lucky you get a chance to do something like that.
@helpfulPond3973
hes made it clear it isn't to talk or anything though, so not sure how much closure I would get
@agreeableTortoise1748
sometimes just seeing the person can help you heal
@helpfulPond3973
will let you know!
@agreeableTortoise1748
how did it go?
