Advice on depression making someone leave the relationship
Could anyone explain to me whether depression makes someone leave you?
Context- my partner of 2 years left me - he was depressed for years and when we started dating kept changing his mind about things eg didn't know if wanted a relationship, had family issues, etc etc. Eventually l snapped and had a mini breakdown as l suffer from anxiety and the months of upheaval and his indecisiveness took its toll.
In response to me breaking down he said that in fact it was ME who caused all his depression (even though he had it since his teens) and that he was leaving me. However all the while before this point up until 2 hours of him leaving he was telling me he loved me and planning our future. On his way out he said he wasn't in love with me.
complete mind f**k and he's made me feel guilty as though everything is my fault
Can anyone advise me on if they've experienced this or any insight from people who experience depression? I don't know if this is just a blip and he will come back after a while....
@agreeableTortoise1748
I am actually going through a similar situation right now, its actually why i came to read these forums. one of the main parts of depression is self isolation, believeing that you are not worthy and hating yourself. Sometimes it gets hard to distinguish the man you're used to dating to the man who can say mean and hurtful things to you to push you away because of the depression. At a certain point you havev to decide to pick yourself if you just keep getting hurt
@helpfulPond3973
i know what you mean, but l didn't want the relationship to end he just decided out of the blue and blamed me for all of his depression! He didn't want to get help either and i can't quite believe how he hasn't even text or called
@agreeableTortoise1748
we're not dating the same guy are we 😂
In my own personal experience, they come back. The only problem is they can be so caught up in their own pain that they can't realize how much pain they cause you by leaving. They think that they're doing what's best sometimes. It's really hard to want to keep loving someone who continues to do it to you. In my case, I don't want to love him, but still do.
is this the first time you've broken up? Do you know anything that triggered that strong reaction to where he just wanted to dump you?
@helpfulPond3973
god knows if we are; but maybe they are long lost twins haha
i completely agree - and I still love him too even though I know this is very unhealthy. For example today l keep wondering where he is why he isn't regretting it and why he seems to be totally fine with us being apart
this is the first time we have broken up but it feels final. I tried to say to have time apart in case the lockdown was having an effect, but he said no and it was final.
he was depressed from long before me as childhood issues and his relationship with his family was really unhealthy even though he would never admit it. When we got together he put me through a year of hell, one foot in one foot out, and eventually as I suffer from anxiety I had a mini breakdown. I was probably a nasty person during this time but I apologised and was going to therapy. In the end he said it's me who caused all his depression and how because of my breakdown I caused him negative issues and he wanted to break up.
was so sudden, on the day he left he was telling me we would be engaged by the end of the year and how he loves me. Then 2 hours later said he was leaving and wasn't in love with me anymore
I can't help but wonder if this was his depression speaking and will he be back? But then again he made it clear it was final and this is the longest we haven't spoken so it may well be...
@agreeableTortoise1748
i understand where you're coming from, I too get anxiety and have had it triggered by my partners behavior. It's hard to fight the anxious voices after a while that tell you over and over that you meant nothing to him. He probably does miss you but is trying distract himself from talking to you, much the way you are right now. It's great that you have gone to therapy to work on your anxiety and own mental health. I've tried that as well but couldn't find a good therapist.
my guy refuses to try therapy again after not getting anything from it too and didn't listen to me when I told him to get medicated.
He very well might come back, but you might want to set boundaries and rules first so you can look out for yourself. Please don't make the mistake I did this last time and get hopeful only to have him back away again.
I unfortunately have over 3 years experience in this area.
@helpfulPond3973
sorry to hear that but I am here to support you!
so your partner came back? Would you mind sharing how long after and any insight? I know l can't hold on to hope of the same, but l do wonder given this entire thing is so out of character...
@agreeableTortoise1748
im really glad I found your post to speak to you. Sometimes it's hard for people to relate and understand the situation if they aren't in it. It's easier to rationalize the behavior and become more informed on your partners needs or condition if you hear about it from someone else who is willing to share. Especially when partners like ours are so unwilling to.
But yes, he and I have broken up 3 times because of this. He pushes me away and often does cruel things to make sure I stay away or to make me hate him. For me, he usually rebounds extremely quickly because he can't be alone. I'm a big believer in absolutely no contact so I never reach out to him, I give him his, and he unfortunately knows I won't reject speaking to him if he reaches out to me.
We broke up in November, it was ugly, he basically flipped out on me too; broke my heart. He reached out to me in March because he was contemplating ending himself. I kept speaking to him but refused to see him or accept gifts until May where I cut off communication because it was too hard for me emotionally. He came back again 2 weeks ago with what I thought was progress but flipped back again and I ended communication with him yesterday.
It's hard, because he's amazing when he decides to fight his depression. He's someone completely different when he lets it take control of his mind. He also has extreme abandonment issues, so his solution is to not be left by leaving me.
@helpfulPond3973
Good grief. First of all l am so sorry you are going through this. I want you to know l am here to support you in any way I can. Happy we have connected.
Seems like he left in November and came back after 4 months. This is interesting as some people have suggested my partner will be back in a few months. Would you say you should have ceased all communication from back then? In hindsight? I would have done the same as you though. Do you think this time is the real end for you?
@agreeableTortoise1748
I'm super glad we connected to! I'm here to support you and answer an questions you may have.
But yes, the gaps in us speaking are about a month or more. The longest has been that 4 months. It's been 7 months since we've actually seen each other because this time around I set strict boundaries and made it clear that it wasn't the same as before.
I know how bad he gets, and unfortunately I love him to much to reject his attempts to communicate with me because despite his unwillingness to share his depression with me, I'm the only one he actually does share it with because I'm the only one that pushes him. I don't regret replying to him because if I didn't he may have actually done something to himself. I know he's only reaching out because he needs someone and I'm the one who will hear his cry for help. It's an extremely conflicting place to be.
He's also admitted to stalking my social media everyday when we're apart, he still kept all of my photos, saved me memes or things to send me for when we would be okay again. So, he knows he loves me and he's going to come back when he gets enough control over his depression to try.
The main goal of depression is to make you feel alone and if you do love someone, you're a burden to them. Sometimes I think the only thing keeping him from doing anything is because he wouldn't want to burden anyone with his death. He thinks it's his responsibility to keep going just to not destroy his family with his death.
