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helpfulPond3973
39,615 M Crossing Mileposts
PathStep 632 Compassion hearts1,575 Forum posts83 Forum upvotes62 Current upvotes62 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2021 Member sinceJuly 2, 2015
Recent forum posts
thinking about ending things
Relationship Stress / by helpfulPond3973
Last post
 July 18th, 2021
...See more Trigger warning: talks of suicide I'm thinking about ending things with my on and off again partner of a few years. He sufferes from sever depression and even tried to commit suicide back in march, only 3 weeks after we started seeing each other again after being apart for a year and a half. he and I are not officially commited and never have been because of his struggles; I thought it was useless for me to try to pressure him into committing to me and making it official when he didn't even want to be alive or saw a future for himself and figured when he was in the right head space he would ask me. I try so hard to be understanding and help him but today I feel really hurt, it's his birthday and I wasnt even invited to the party his family is throwing him. I've only ever met his mom once and his brothers only know about me because I had to dm them about his suicide attempt and tell them that he had bought a gun. I feel like he makes no effort to even let me be a gf or even do anything that remotely would be seen as a gf thing to do. He's met my parents and sister and I've invited him to things but he's never in a good place to do it or is busy already. idk what to do, I'm so hurt, and confused. He's only ever told me he's lived me when he is drunk and then doesn't remember the next day. when we were not together he would even call me and tell me we would get married one day but idk anymore. I love him, I do, I can't even remember why right now because i'm so hurt but I know I love him. this just really sucks.
Self sabotage in relationships
Personality Disorders Support / by helpfulPond3973
Last post
 September 11th, 2020
...See more I'm trying to understand more about the varying levels of BPD and how it's manifests in everyday life. I've been reading that there has been requests in the medical profession that they create more of a spectrum of bpd and I agree that's a good idea. I believe I have bpd but have sort of been self treating with tips I have come across here for the past couple of years. However, I think my ex is a definite candidate for bpd as well. I know that a main component is fear of abandonment and unstable relationships. But I was wondering if any one here has cheated or set out hurt their FP or SO purposefully during episodes. I'm really trying to understand this rational so I can find closure for myself. Basically what I'm asking is, at your worst and most triggered, how far can you go to be willing to push someone away so they can't leave and hurt you first?
I hate you
Relationship Stress / by helpfulPond3973
Last post
 September 11th, 2020
...See more I hate you for everything you did to me in an effort to "protect me". I hate you for finally letting me know what it's like to have someone's unconditional support and then leaving me. I hate that it's going to take me years to get over being abandoned by you because you are so afraid of loving again. I hate that I don't even know what to believe about myself, about you, and about whatever memories of us I even have. Was any of it even real or did I make it up in my own mind? Am I so pathetic and such a stranger to kindness that I mistook your behavior for love? Obvliously, because we never even used the words "i love you." Always being there for me and trying to make me happy; was it for me or way to distract yourself? Was I just a fill for your depression; a way to get through the days so you had something to keep your mind off of not wanting to be alive anymore? I hate that I will never have answers or closure because you would rather keep blocking and unblocking me on facebook instead of actually trying to talk to me. I will never ever initiate contact with you, and you know that, but still you insist on being passive agressive to try to provoke me. I hate that you will never understand the pain you have caused me by just abruptly leaving, by refusing to listen to any of my recomendations for you to get help. I hate that I will always try to help you when you reach out because I worry you will actually do something to youreself one day. I hate the confusion and inablility to rationalize any of it. I hate that I want you back still, that i want to rewind to this point last year where you helped me get ready for the masters program you helped me get into. I want to go back to you taking care of me while I was sick, I want back the man I loved even though I was to afraid to say it. I hate that I don't even know if that man actually existed anymore, maybe it was my delusion, maybe it was real, maybe your ptsd really did take you away from me. Idk anymore and I hate you for it.
route to diagnosis
Personality Disorders Support / by helpfulPond3973
Last post
 July 20th, 2020
...See more I haven't been officially diagnosed with any disorder because I haven't found a good enough therepist to stick to for more than 5 weeks. I've always felt different since I was a little girl, I've never been able to connect and bond with people or firends like everyone else. I never understood it, it still baffles me after 27 years of living, especially as a female where you see really tight groups of friends. Don't get me wrong, I can be social and nice and people like me, but I purposely keep everything very surface level. I remember experiencing rejection as a child and in middle school, because obviously girls can be mean and after that I just told myself it wasnt important to me. It's still not important to me, and I've always been extrememly quick to ditch people for minor slights or just because I wasn't in a state to want to engage in conversation. Anyway, I never really looked into BDP until recently and I feel like I check off a lot of boxes, I've been quick to anger and react emotionally to things since I was a little girl. I cry for the most ridiculous reasons sometimes and have since I was little, I remember my mom telling me "stop being that way" or "there's no need to cry." as far as impulsuvity, well my credit card is pretty scary and i have a tendency to self medicate with drugs and alchohol I've never threatened to harm myself, or wanted to, more like I just with sometimes I could keep sleeping or keep dreaming. I also have never had any long term goals or imagined a future for myself. I dont want to ramble on, so I guess, what I want to know is, whats the best way to explore possibly being BPD and what kind of health professional is best suited to help me find my way.
blocked ex
Relationship Stress / by helpfulPond3973
Last post
 June 24th, 2020
...See more my ex and I have had an on and off relationship for over 3 years. Our offs are caused by his chronic depression and major depressive episodes, and his unwillingness to stick to treatment. We've broken up 3 times before and he always comes back. It's expremely difficult to let go of the man he is when he's not having a severe episode, because he's amazing then. I also always reply to him reaching out after the breakups because I worry about his mental state, God forbid he ever does something to himself. I recently decided to just block him completely on all outlets because it has become too much to bear in this last breakup. But it's excruciating because right now is a time where I would actually need his love and support the most. I'm trying very hard to be strong and do what's best for myself, but my heart feels like it went through a wood chipper. Does anyone have any tips or experience is realtionships with people in similar issues? Any support is greatly appreciated
trying to love someone with severe depression
Depression Support / by helpfulPond3973
Last post
 September 2nd, 2020
...See more I have had an on and off relationship for a few years with a guy who dumps me when he gets deep into an episode of depression. He always comes back. it difficult because I love him and when he's at his worst he refuses to believe it because he just hates himself so much it is unfathomable to him. Of course he has intense abandoment issues from his ex who left him during a dark time because she just didn't care. Now he thinks no one will ever love him at his worst. Right now we are not speaking because he refused to talk to me or open up to me, so i decided to remove myself from the situation as to not have my presence add to his guilt and self hate. He knows he can come to me for anything, and he always does when he's at his lowest. Does anyone have any experience on trying to love and persevere in a relationship one someone is all but given up the fight in their depression? the simplest way I can describe how I feel is: I know he would do anything for me, he'd take a bullet for me, but he also welcomes that bullet for himself.
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