My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
I had a dream I was trying to bake. When I went to add the eggs to make the batter I discovered that one of the eggs were broken and the whites and yolk had been spilling out into the carton. I woke up before I could figure out if that meant the other eggs were spoiled (they probably weren’t).
First of all, I am so glad that you are feeling a bit better and are up to ground turkey for burgers again. If you ever want we can start talking about some easier food dishes that don't involved too much in the way of dishes and work. I know all of that can be draining.
Sorry again about your aunt. Some people just don't have a clue. Keep focusing on wearing stuff that makes you feel good.
Hopefully the chores and possible job developer appointment go well. Today was better than yesterday. Tomorrow will keep heading in that direction.
Maybe your dream is telling you to bake something healthy soon. We can come up with something together.
I’ve got my job development Zoom tomorrow.
The most I’ve done for chores was dragging trash cans out for tomorrow.
I got really excited when I got my travel funds early then got a reality check when I dragged myself to the bank to try and cash it even though I’m overdrawn. Of course I couldn’t and was told that I could either deposit or get someone else to endorse and deposit it in their own account and give me the money. So I just ended up depositing it then left and got all upset because my plans for those 50 bucks included doing a huge amount of laundry and maybe getting lunch.
I still feel so stupid about it, so instead of punishing myself with chores I just laid down for awhile.
So what you were doing by depositing the money was getting closer to making that account solvent again. I know that you had plans for the money, but you used it for a good cause. It put you closer to being able to spend money the way that you want and need to. What you did wasn't stupid.
You also didn't punish yourself afterwards so that is good. Did you get an okay dinner?
You are closer to the job stuff than you were last week. Keep working in the right direction. Have you gotten back to the game group at all? @integrityblues
I ate what was left of a bag of chips I got earlier that morning with my remaining food stamps and drank water.
I haven’t been to the gaming group for two weeks between that job interview and the aftermath of being sick. I plan on going next week.
I’m feeling better now about the money it’s just that it wasn’t what I needed to experience.
I know that it was pretty awful when you left the bank. My attempted reframing of it probably wasn't ideal. I apologize. I know how tough it is for you.
I am glad that you are going back to the games group next week. You are working hard to get outside of your comfort zone in so many ways.
I hope that today was okay for you.
Today was slow and tiring. The most I did was get out of bed to make breakfast for a late lunch. I had pancakes, the last of some Morningstar sausage patties, and my last two eggs since the rest were bad and had to be thrown out.
Your reframing was just fine, bestVase. I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately and I tend to fall apart when I’ve run into another instance that proves how foolish I am.
I’ve got 9 days till the 3rd. I have lots of frozen meat, it just annoys me how much time and effort things take. I’ll make that chili tomorrow since I’m defrosting more ground turkey and frozen vegetables that aren’t broccoli or riced cauliflower (I don’t want to aggravate my stomach more than it needs since the chili will have a can of beans in it). I still have plenty of oatmeal and bread for PBJ sandwiches or toast too.
I just don’t want to bother anyone with my food troubles since one aunt just got back from vacation and the other was stuck at the hospital on her birthday because her hip implant was infected and she’s stuck on a 6-8 week antibiotics regimen.
Just take it a step at a time. Food does take time to make but it is also a solid distraction where you are using your hands. When you eat, focus on the taste of what you are eating and enjoy it.
I know that you will make careful use of the food that you have. If you are concerned about the beans with the chili then do it without the beans. You could save them for later in the week and heat them up to throw them into something different. A can of beans with some of that riced cauliflower would probably be good.
You are going to do this. You made it through today. Now on to tomorrow. @integrityblues
The chili I made was pretty good considering I had to swap a required can of diced tomatoes for what was left in my ketchup bottle. The beans were a good touch and bulked up the chili but I made sure to have only two servings at dinner, one with cooked brown rice and the other without.
I’m being overly cautious about the beans because this week I might try and take a 1 hr and 45 min trip to the medical examiner’s office to pick up what I assume is my father’s wallet. I just don’t want to make myself sick and be stuck on the bus and train.
I’ll see how I feel tomorrow and if I’m okay I’ll attempt the trip on Tuesday. That way I’ll have more time to do laundry in my little Twin Spin washer since I’m so broke I can’t go to the laundromat, rest, and make a call to the medical examiner’s office to confirm what I’ll be picking up and make sure that whatever it is actually is there. I’d hate to go all that way only to leave with nothing because of an error.
I am glad that the chili tasted good. That sounds good in terms of being cautious with the beans. I would be too. I love that you are having them with brown rice. I am going to do a dish with brown rice, a bit of fried firm tofu, spinach, and bamboo sprouts plus an Asian sauce later this week.
It sounds like a good plan in terms of deciding whether to go pick up your father's stuff. I bet it would be nice to have his wallet though.
Sending lots of strength and peace. You will be able to use the laundromat again soon.
Yesterday I went to the medical examiner’s office to pick up my late father’s possessions, basically what was on his person when he passed away 2 years ago.
It was 20 miles away and took me 1 hr and 45 minutes to get there by train and bus, and almost 2 hrs to get back the same way. It was hot but not as hot as it’s been this month and I was dressed for the weather and brought a bottle of cold water with me. I had also taken a quick shower and washed my hair so I’d be clean and a little cooler for the trip. It was probably not the smartest idea to go during the afternoon but I’d overslept that morning and was tired of inventing additional reasons to move it further down the week. The real problem was that I’d learned there were abbreviated hours to pick things up and I was going to be busy on Wednesday and Thursday.
All in all the trip was okay. I learned that someone who hopped on the train to sell stuff was trying to get away with selling tasers. The train ride was long but I kept busy on my phone playing Pokemon Go.
When I got there it was a very simple process. I gave them the case number and waited in the lobby for someone to call my name to enter another small office. They were very nice and had me sign some paperwork and gave them my id so they could take a copy of the card for records, then gave them the form I was sent in the mail and filled out that morning so I’d be prepared.
The possessions were kept in a large double sealed envelope. It contained a small pocket knife and a key that was for a bike lock maybe. They told me that my father had fifty dollars on him that they would give me a check for. I was surprised to learn they weren’t sending the check, they were writing it right then and there.
I endorsed it in the spot
They gave me a receipt that said his drivers license was also found but I’d already learned the day before that driver’s licenses are returned to the state.
I went home, exhausted but exhilarated that I now had fifty dollars so soon after my travel check fiasco. I stopped on the way home to hit my local bank and deposited it in person because I wanted to make sure that nothing stupid happened.
I went home, got out of my sweaty clothes and looked at my bank app to see that the check deposited very quickly (I expected next business day) then cursed so much when I saw it was all there so soon!
I resolved to cool off and drink more water, take a picture of the knife and key because my mom asked, then I called her.
She was asking a lot of questions about whether my aunts wanted the money, and when I said I doubted it, she started asking about my younger sister deserving some of it. I sighed and said sure, but that I was the one they contacted by phone two years ago and certified mail this month; that it was just what he had on him, and that it was just 50 bucks. More to the point I didn’t feel comfortable giving her money that she was just going to use to get high. We went back and forth because my mom feels guilty and wants her to have something of the “inheritance”. My best friend best phrased how silly it was: that it was just 50 bucks and have half of it wasn’t going to make my sister change for the better, that I’m having a hard enough time myself and why shouldn’t I keep it since I did the work of going there and securing it.
Later on after the call I got food and came home again. I stayed awake past 2 in the morning and finally slept till 6:30. Now I’m getting ready for my job development Zoom.
I’ll go to the store to get some bars of soap since I had to use antibacterial hand soap to bathe yesterday and pick up a nice Starbucks drink. I’ll use what’s left of the money from my dad to do laundry.
I am so glad that you went out of your comfort zone and made that trip. It sounds like it was quite a success. You navigated complicated bus and train routes, got a pocket knife and key to help remember your dad and $50.
That $50 is completely yours. Your sister didn't go to pick it up. She doesn't currently have the capacity to do anything responsible like that. And your needs here are very important if you don't have money for food or laundry (not drugs). I am so glad that you were able to come up with some good things to spend it on.
It was all very exhausting, but you did it. Now onto that job Zoom. You keep taking solid steps forward.
I will. The Zoom wasn’t great because the five leads selected weren’t great; skills don’t match or they are too far away. I’ll try and look for more so I have something positive to present next Wednesday. Tomorrow is gamer’s group so I’ll go there for a bit to socialize.
Keep reminding yourself that each Zoom call you are learning. You can really imagine your skill set and what kinds of travel you can handle. The job part of it is coming because you are trying.
I am glad that you are getting to the gaming group. That is another positive step forward. @integrityblues
That makes sense. Sorry for the internet outage. It sounds like a frustrating day.
How are you doing on the eating front? I hope that you at least got a meal in there that you enjoyed. I had a nice cheese and lettuce sandwich for lunch with some ranch dressing that I made.
I am glad that you are nourishing your body well. You deserve that.
It is okay that your mom is blocking you for right now. You do need a break from the drama. I know that you worry, but you are doing all that you can. She will get back in touch when she is up to it.
I hope that you have had a peaceful day otherwise.
She got in touch and unloaded a lot: the reason why she wasn’t replying was because she loaned her phone to my younger sister. The boyfriend my mother helped bail out took the phone away from my sister and and also the SIM card for two days. The boyfriend also punched my sister in the face, knocking out a tooth.
My mom let my sister back inside to shower and sleep on the floor. No cops were called or reports filed, though my mom did try to tell them about the theft.
Now she’s talking about wanting to go to the bail bondsmen and have herself removed as the guy’s co-signer. I persuaded her to wait till tomorrow so she could at least rest, then I sent her bus directions.
Ugh, that guy sounds very dangerous to both your mom and your sister. I am so sorry. I know that you worry.
Keep remembering that you can't do much from where you are except offer a calm, peaceful voice of reason. You are doing that.
You need to take care of that voice of reason (you) though. What did you do to care for yourself today?
Sending peace.
Thanks . I’ve taken care of myself as best I can.
My mom called me to say that she got it taken care of, that she’s not the co-signer anymore but she’s expected to pay $5,000 to the bail bondsmen because it’s what she owes them. Of course she wasn’t getting out of paying, I tried to tell her. She’s talking about a payment plan that will last till she’s dead.
So what does not being a co-signer give her exactly if she still owes $5000? It isn't something that I know a great deal about, but as long as he shows up for his hearing doesn't she get any money paid already back? I know it is a scam kind of system, but that sounds really rough for her.
I am sorry for you as well. How have you been doing on other stuff today? Are there ways that you are caring for yourself?@integrityblues
She felt like it would take the personal responsibility off of her I guess. I tried to talk to her about it but it was brief and I never got to it because she said my younger sister was there taking a shower and she was upset about it because her allowing it was going to make all her neighbors hate her.
From what I understand the initial $500 asked for was the 10% that the bail bondsmen ask for the bail to be covered. The full amount of $5,000 is what would be refunded 30 days after the trial if the case was dismissed or the person was found not guilty.
If she actually explains more about it I can try and decide whether her demanding the 10% be refunded back to her and then being removed as the co-signer means she is still held accountable for the full amount of bail.
Its insane.
It is insane. The picture might be a little better than she imagines but it is hard to tell.
So the neighbors would be upset at your mom for letting your sister shower? It is pretty easy to make her leave after she showers, I would hope.
But I can feel all of your mom's stress pouring off onto you. How are you taking care of yourself?
I tried to get her to explain more but it devolved into her suddenly asking me about my therapy after I mentioned that after a month I had a lot to say today. She wanted to know what my therapist thought about it and after some hesitance I told her that I was advised to call a number she gave me to report my Mom being mistreated as an elderly person and being taken advantage of in the case of this bail nonsense and how my younger sister keeps on coming back.
I have no idea how easily my sister leaves after her shower. The point is my mom knows her manager said no more and that this behavior could get her evicted.
After I had my talk with my mom I felt very stupid for saying anything about what my therapist said, then texted my mom and asked her not to ask questions like that again.
Then I went on a walk to the store to get some cereal and saw plenty of dogs.