My 7 Cups Dream Journal

I know that you are. I am proud of you for keeping up the fight. I hope that today was a little better.

I did a good job during therapy today. Ended up taking a long nap after getting home and eating lunch, but now I’m up again with a headache from the heat. I’m using an ice pack to dull that.

Tomorrow I’m going to get some baking soda for the acid reflux I’m dealing with, deal with my job development Zoom, and maybe go to the library if it isn’t too hot.

I am so pleased. Do you know how rarely you use the words "I did a good job"? I see you doing good jobs all the time but you don't say that about yourself. The more often that you can do that the more that you can heal.

You got a good nap and food and then dealt with the medical issues calmly. Also great work.

I hope that the job development Zoom goes well and you are able to get to the library.

My last two days have been pretty exhausting with a workshop from 8 am - 5 pm. Tomorrow will be day 3 and luckily we will be done after that. I do it every year but that doesn't make it less exhausting. However, they feed us well which is good. I keep very well hydrated.

Yes, that day went particularly well. My therapist was very pleased that I made it to the gaming group last week, that I’d stayed for longer than I wanted but it was a good experience. We’d also talked about my mom’s latest idiocy and my issues relying on others or making new friends after my experience with an ex friend and the passing of another.

That headache after the surprise nap wasn’t fun but I took a Tylenol and used the ice pack.

The Zoom yesterday wasn’t very good. It was late because of technical issues and we had to use Microsoft Teams. She was bitten or stung by something at the end of the trip for a destination wedding she attended and was talking about how she was going to go to her doctor after yesterday’s meetings. The jobs she looked up for me and sent links for weren’t that interesting to me- one wasn’t something I could apply for just make an appointment for today but I’m booked (that and it asks for medical skills I don’t have) and the second one is a personal assistant/customer service job where I’d be expected to work 8-10 hours a day for a 40-50 hour week, that’s over an hour and a half to two hours away by bus, just to work for an auto company that is listed as a private household industry on Indeed. I applied for it but told my job developer that if I’m a nanny or surprise domestic worker I’m walking out.

It was too warm yesterday afternoon to go to the library so I might go today if I actually get out to the gaming meeting too. I could ride the same bus homewards from the gaming group to get to the library.

I’m sorry the workshop is exhausting, but yay for day three meaning it’s almost done. It’s also pretty cool that they feed you guys too.

Too warm for the library but I made it to the gaming group. We watched a would you rather video and broke the ice, then a few of us played Sorry. I pushed myself to play it because I said I’d participate during my next meeting. The Nintendo Switch was used for the would you rather YouTube video and then a compilation of funny or harrowing accidents caught on camera.

I was still very tired after and dragged myself home. I stopped briefly at a gas station to use my ebt to get snacks then hopped on the last bus home.

It looks like today was really just as successful as yesterday except for the heat. So glad that you made it to the gaming group again. And you did a bit of job looking. There will be others if those don't work. So all in all a success.

I hit the last bit of training and my brain felt like it was melting. I could no longer concentrate of thinking clearly enough to create what we were supposed to be creating. So I left about a half hour early, but I know that I did my best.

Tomorrow unluckily is equally intense. We have trained for 3 days and now we launch. The new semester begins as our new first years (including my son) move in. Move in in the morning followed by an afternoon where I meet with my new students and their parents (my husband is with my son) and then we attend an opening candlelight ceremony for the new students. I hope that I don't light my robe on fire. But I haven't yet and I have done this for the last 7-8 years. Anyway, a big day in case I don't quite make it onto 7 cups tomorrow. @integrityblues

That’s good! I’m sure the ceremony will go well and you’ll have a chance to rest a little after all of this hard work.

I understand if you’re busy with tomorrow, just reply when you’re free!

I survived the day. It was long and hot (2 showers, 2 changes of clothes) but I did it. My biggest challenge was an incoming student with a panic attack. It happens. But I will sleep well tonight. @integrityblues

You did good and deserve a long rest.

Didn't get the rest yet, but hopefully tonight. Our first class was today, but then we have Sunday off before going back to a full schedule on Monday.

I definitely have less adrenaline tonight than last night. The class looks okay thus far but there are a few possible challenges that I hope I can overcome well. I have a student with severe panic attacks, another with Aspergers who asked today about whether he could use swear words in papers, and a bunch of athletes that don't entirely look like they are committed to being there. But I also have some really nice looking ones too. We will see how it goes since I have all of them until December. 

I hope that things are good with you. 

I hope you’ve been able to get that rest.

I’ve been so tired this weekend that I’ve rested both days. I also got a library book I’ve had on hold since June and spent most of Sunday morning reading it.

I still haven’t heard back from my job developer so I’m going to focus on chores.

Dreamt that I was helping the characters of How I Met Your Mother prepare for a wedding. Up until the ceremony I was working on a wedding present. It was a portrait of three of them, I just can’t remember which ones.

Good things that happened today:

I found a dollar on my walk home from the store.

I got a call back for an interview for one of the Cal Careers jobs I applied to last month. It went to my voicemail since I didn’t recognize the number so I agonized over it and listened to it over and over, then began looking at my Cal Careers account. I had three more contact letters for jobs I could apply to as but I looked through my archived submissions to see where this one could have been.

I finally called the number and was an idiot when I spoke to the receptionist like she was the interviewer. I had a nice conversation with the interviewer as we discussed the location that was far but not as far as everything else and she paused to let me look up the address and see how long it would take me to get there by bus- I assured her that I would make it (it will take me 1 hr 45 mins to get there with one train and one bus) and I chose Thursday at 10 a.m. so I could have time to prepare.

If I get it I could be working reasonable hours from Monday to Friday, and since it’s a Cal Careers job there’s like a 3-6 month period where I can prove myself to gain a permanent position! And if they don’t want me for the permanent position I will at least have new experience on my resume!

I’m still very nervous but I’m going to try very hard to pull through!

I love it! That is so exciting. Even getting a chance to go for an interview would be awesome. It sounds like a great plan for figuring out how to get to the interview by bus. And a short term thing that may lead to long term is awesome. That way you can get a feel for them and they can get a feel for you without too much pressure either way.

I am going to be thinking about you heavily on Thursday and I hope you let me know how things go! You are going to do great.

I was also really excited to hear about you getting a chance to just sit and read your book over the weekend. I love to read because it puts me in a different place. @integrityblues

My mom just called me to say that my younger sister is in jail. She hit her boyfriend, the one my mom was forced to bail out earlier, and now she’s got her own 20,000 dollar bail that my mom is talking about getting our friends and extended family to pitch in for. I only told her that I’d contact our two aunts and older sister for her and made it clear that I’m very angry about the whole situation.

On a lighter note yesterday I made it to my interview and did okay. It wasn’t as terrible as I thought but they also did really nice things like let me look at the list of questions they’d ask so I could think of my answers after I filled out some paperwork. It’s pretty far away and they kept asking me if I was really considering the job with that in mind and I said that yes it was farther than I’d like but I also need money.

Focus on the job interview stuff. That is more than just "lighter". It is a triumph. I think it is well worth exploring the job even if it is a distance, especially if the people seemed kind. It goes one step at a time.

As far as your sister goes, I can totally understand your anger. Your mom and everyone else should not be going bankrupt for her mistakes. Maybe she needs to stay in jail for a while to help her calm down. start to take blame, and imagine how to fix her life. Once you have reached a low point like that you can reevaluate things. But it may take her some time to do that. At least she isn't in jail for hitting your mother. That could very easily be possible if she gets that angry.

Stay away from the situation as best you can and remember to keep caring for you. You all can find a way forward. @integrityblues

Yeah. It was very stupid. I apologized to my aunts via text and only one replied because the other is on vacation. She basically said she hadn’t known what to say and didn’t want to be involved in the drama, the financial strain that wasn’t necessary because my sister will likely be released in a few days, and the fact that like many of the other addicts on her side of the family my sister has to become clean to get help otherwise she’s only going to get high and get in trouble again after being bailed out.

So of course when I had to explain that to my mom she was very upset.

She finally said that my sisters ex the one who supposedly came back from prison as such a great and mature person has begun fighting his new girlfriend (either verbally or physically, my mom wouldn’t say). My mom says that the girlfriend is coming over to help with a speech they want my sister to use. I just don’t care about what comes across as a means to get out of a punishment she deserves.

She needs some time in jail and as I’ve been saying at least she has a quasi safe place to sleep with access to food. Sure she called our mom about the crazy cellmate she just got but I still don’t care. She’ll go to court on Tuesday. My mom is going to see her then.

I’m waiting to hear about the next stage of the job interview- it’s either going to be a call to get me over for the second stage or the rejection email.

I’m going to try and focus on doing chores tomorrow morning and not talking to my mom. I told her we’d talk on Tuesday unless something comes up.

I agree with the focusing on the chores and job stuff and keeping only minimal contact with your mom to keep your sanity. There is a chance that your mom gets mad at everyone in the family like she did before but she will realize once again that she needs everyone and that your sister's drama also shouldn't be hers. Keep pointing out to your mom how draining it is for her to keep so involved with your sister and that your sister can't heal until she hits rock bottom. But that is especially hard as a mother to not want to "help".

So the job interview waiting is always a bit of a challenge. You never said - what kind of work would you be doing?

Sending strength and peace for a good day tomorrow. @integrityblues

The job interview was for an office assistant position at the CHP. I’ve been getting contact letters from them on Cal Careers for a year and this is the first time that they’ve reached out after I’ve applied to talk about interviews.

I was so drained after all of this recent drama that I stayed in bed in spite of my need to do chores. I got up very late and did only enough dishes to make lunch and dinner and cake.

The job sounds like it would be a good one.

Sorry that everything else has been so draining. Are you eating and drinking fluids okay? Remember that you need those things to have energy for the rest of it.

I hope that today was more peaceful for you.

Yes, the job sounds interesting. Far but interesting, and the ones who interviewed me (a lieutenant and another very nice person) were cool.

Everything has been stupid. I tried talking to my mom yesterday after I got a medical examiner letter about claiming possessions found on my father after his passing (two years later so I have no clue what else it could be since he didn’t own anything that I know of and my aunts were given his clothes and shoes) but she briefly told me how my younger sister is hysterical about the bail that they haven’t collected in full and called our mom to start blaming her, then during my call called again so my mom never got back to me.

Today is Tuesday, day of the arraignment, and my mom is going even though my sister doesn’t want her there. I’m not going because it’s too hot and too far and I’m staying out of in person drama.

I’ve been eating and drinking and trying to focus on other things while so much is going wrong. I’m going to try and do a load of laundry or dishes today. I’ve got enough ingredients to put together some chili for dinner (canned beans, beef, and a chili seasoning packet).

My sister was released on her own recognizance. My mom called to say that and also say she couldn’t find her.

So she’s not in jail and might be expected to go back for another court date. My mom isn’t sure because someone else has the papers.

Keep focusing on you and keeping away from that drama. As much as you can avoid contacting your mom unless she contacts you.

Your dad's stuff could be interesting or could be nothing. Hopefully you will find out soon.

I am glad that you are eating okay and focusing on your stuff. Your life isn't all bad if you take out the family drama. Things are going to get better. @integrityblues

Thanks.

I got to talk to my other aunt who just got back from vacation. We discussed how crazy everything has been with my sister and why my mom makes these choices that almost always blow up in her face. It was nice to hear from her but we did talk about my interview and when I said I couldn’t fit into my dressy clothes and wore jeans and a clean t-shirt she started asking me why I didn’t wear either of the pants she got me several months ago. I had to explain to her that one of them tore after I wore it a couple of times (I described how I’d sewn up the torn seam on a pants leg) and didn’t fit as well as I’d like for a job interview and the other was just too tight.

It was embarrassing to have to listen to her explain plus sizes as if I didn’t know and I had to tell her that I’d go looking again because ordering online leads to things not fitting well. I’ll just have to go to a different store that has a better selection. Then she began questioning if I was losing weight, didn’t my drs say I was losing weight? I told her no, I’m going up and down and at most I’ve lost 10 lbs and later I remembered that she was likely referring to a time when I told her the good news about positive test results that proved my statins were working very well at lowering my cholesterol and improving my blood pressure.

I’ve been drinking plenty of water today, but was hit with a sudden case of stomach flu. So no chili because no spices or fats or beans.

I’m pretty close to being a little better because I had some anti-diarrheal meds left and I’ve had some Tylenol for the pain.

I’m going to have something bland for dinner. I’m going to have some plain oatmeal or dry toast.

I didn’t eat dinner just water to rehydrate. I’m so worn out that I’m still in bed and I only got up to make oatmeal for breakfast so I’m full but not with something that will make me sick later.

Spoke with my mom and she said my sister showed up outside her place and they spoke (mostly to give her phone numbers to her boyfriend and her ex).

An old friend of my mom and sister or something who lives in his car signed as someone responsible to get my sister to court again when the time came is getting a camper for him and my sister.

Her dog might leave my mom’s place to live in the camper but I hope it doesn’t happen too much.

I spread the news, made breakfast, and I’m back in bed because of how awful I feel after being so sick.

So sorry for the stomach bug. It sounds like a rough 24 hours on top of everything else. You are doing the best that you can.

Is this the same aunt who tried to diagnose your mental conditions? If so, they are trying to be too "helpful" which I know hurts. They have no real idea of the pressure that they are putting on you. I am sorry.

What you wore to the interview was fine. The key was that you felt good in it. You just do the best that you can with such things.

Your diet will improve once your financial situation does and you can afford better foods. Buy produce and cook whenever you can, but you are already doing that I think.

Sending lots of hugs and a better stomach for tomorrow.

@integrityblues

Thanks bestVase.

I’ve been trying to cook more but it fluctuates with how often I do dishes, and sometimes I can’t bring myself to do it and waste my money on cheap stuff or easy fast food.

Since I was feeling a bit better I used the ground turkey I defrosted yesterday to make burgers for dinner.

I’m trying to not fixate on the issues with my sister or the stuff with my aunt. I can’t do anything about my sister and my aunt, in her way, is trying to help but she doesn’t seem to realize how hurtful some of those questions would be. Yes, she honestly wanted to know and thought asking like that wouldn’t make me self conscious about my choices.

If I’m feeling better tomorrow I can try and do more chores. If my job developer gets back to me I might be having an appointment with them.

I had a dream I was trying to bake. When I went to add the eggs to make the batter I discovered that one of the eggs were broken and the whites and yolk had been spilling out into the carton. I woke up before I could figure out if that meant the other eggs were spoiled (they probably weren’t).

First of all, I am so glad that you are feeling a bit better and are up to ground turkey for burgers again. If you ever want we can start talking about some easier food dishes that don't involved too much in the way of dishes and work. I know all of that can be draining.

Sorry again about your aunt. Some people just don't have a clue. Keep focusing on wearing stuff that makes you feel good.

Hopefully the chores and possible job developer appointment go well. Today was better than yesterday. Tomorrow will keep heading in that direction. 

Maybe your dream is telling you to bake something healthy soon. We can come up with something together. 

I’ve got my job development Zoom tomorrow.

The most I’ve done for chores was dragging trash cans out for tomorrow.

I got really excited when I got my travel funds early then got a reality check when I dragged myself to the bank to try and cash it even though I’m overdrawn. Of course I couldn’t and was told that I could either deposit or get someone else to endorse and deposit it in their own account and give me the money. So I just ended up depositing it then left and got all upset because my plans for those 50 bucks included doing a huge amount of laundry and maybe getting lunch.

I still feel so stupid about it, so instead of punishing myself with chores I just laid down for awhile.

So what you were doing by depositing the money was getting closer to making that account solvent again. I know that you had plans for the money, but you used it for a good cause. It put you closer to being able to spend money the way that you want and need to. What you did wasn't stupid.

You also didn't punish yourself afterwards so that is good. Did you get an okay dinner?

You are closer to the job stuff than you were last week. Keep working in the right direction. Have you gotten back to the game group at all? @integrityblues

I ate what was left of a bag of chips I got earlier that morning with my remaining food stamps and drank water.

I haven’t been to the gaming group for two weeks between that job interview and the aftermath of being sick. I plan on going next week.

I’m feeling better now about the money it’s just that it wasn’t what I needed to experience.

I know that it was pretty awful when you left the bank. My attempted reframing of it probably wasn't ideal. I apologize. I know how tough it is for you.

I am glad that you are going back to the games group next week. You are working hard to get outside of your comfort zone in so many ways.

I hope that today was okay for you.

Today was slow and tiring. The most I did was get out of bed to make breakfast for a late lunch. I had pancakes, the last of some Morningstar sausage patties, and my last two eggs since the rest were bad and had to be thrown out.

Your reframing was just fine, bestVase. I’ve just been under a lot of stress lately and I tend to fall apart when I’ve run into another instance that proves how foolish I am.

I’ve got 9 days till the 3rd. I have lots of frozen meat, it just annoys me how much time and effort things take. I’ll make that chili tomorrow since I’m defrosting more ground turkey and frozen vegetables that aren’t broccoli or riced cauliflower (I don’t want to aggravate my stomach more than it needs since the chili will have a can of beans in it). I still have plenty of oatmeal and bread for PBJ sandwiches or toast too.

I just don’t want to bother anyone with my food troubles since one aunt just got back from vacation and the other was stuck at the hospital on her birthday because her hip implant was infected and she’s stuck on a 6-8 week antibiotics regimen.

Just take it a step at a time. Food does take time to make but it is also a solid distraction where you are using your hands. When you eat, focus on the taste of what you are eating and enjoy it.

I know that you will make careful use of the food that you have. If you are concerned about the beans with the chili then do it without the beans. You could save them for later in the week and heat them up to throw them into something different. A can of beans with some of that riced cauliflower would probably be good.

You are going to do this. You made it through today. Now on to tomorrow. @integrityblues

The chili I made was pretty good considering I had to swap a required can of diced tomatoes for what was left in my ketchup bottle. The beans were a good touch and bulked up the chili but I made sure to have only two servings at dinner, one with cooked brown rice and the other without.

I’m being overly cautious about the beans because this week I might try and take a 1 hr and 45 min trip to the medical examiner’s office to pick up what I assume is my father’s wallet. I just don’t want to make myself sick and be stuck on the bus and train.

I’ll see how I feel tomorrow and if I’m okay I’ll attempt the trip on Tuesday. That way I’ll have more time to do laundry in my little Twin Spin washer since I’m so broke I can’t go to the laundromat, rest, and make a call to the medical examiner’s office to confirm what I’ll be picking up and make sure that whatever it is actually is there. I’d hate to go all that way only to leave with nothing because of an error.

I am glad that the chili tasted good. That sounds good in terms of being cautious with the beans. I would be too. I love that you are having them with brown rice. I am going to do a dish with brown rice, a bit of fried firm tofu, spinach, and bamboo sprouts plus an Asian sauce later this week. 

It sounds like a good plan in terms of deciding whether to go pick up your father's stuff. I bet it would be nice to have his wallet though.

Sending lots of strength and peace. You will be able to use the laundromat again soon.

Yesterday I went to the medical examiner’s office to pick up my late father’s possessions, basically what was on his person when he passed away 2 years ago.

It was 20 miles away and took me 1 hr and 45 minutes to get there by train and bus, and almost 2 hrs to get back the same way. It was hot but not as hot as it’s been this month and I was dressed for the weather and brought a bottle of cold water with me. I had also taken a quick shower and washed my hair so I’d be clean and a little cooler for the trip. It was probably not the smartest idea to go during the afternoon but I’d overslept that morning and was tired of inventing additional reasons to move it further down the week. The real problem was that I’d learned there were abbreviated hours to pick things up and I was going to be busy on Wednesday and Thursday.

All in all the trip was okay. I learned that someone who hopped on the train to sell stuff was trying to get away with selling tasers. The train ride was long but I kept busy on my phone playing Pokemon Go.

When I got there it was a very simple process. I gave them the case number and waited in the lobby for someone to call my name to enter another small office. They were very nice and had me sign some paperwork and gave them my id so they could take a copy of the card for records, then gave them the form I was sent in the mail and filled out that morning so I’d be prepared.

The possessions were kept in a large double sealed envelope. It contained a small pocket knife and a key that was for a bike lock maybe. They told me that my father had fifty dollars on him that they would give me a check for. I was surprised to learn they weren’t sending the check, they were writing it right then and there.

I endorsed it in the spot

They gave me a receipt that said his drivers license was also found but I’d already learned the day before that driver’s licenses are returned to the state.

I went home, exhausted but exhilarated that I now had fifty dollars so soon after my travel check fiasco. I stopped on the way home to hit my local bank and deposited it in person because I wanted to make sure that nothing stupid happened.

I went home, got out of my sweaty clothes and looked at my bank app to see that the check deposited very quickly (I expected next business day) then cursed so much when I saw it was all there so soon!

I resolved to cool off and drink more water, take a picture of the knife and key because my mom asked, then I called her.

She was asking a lot of questions about whether my aunts wanted the money, and when I said I doubted it, she started asking about my younger sister deserving some of it. I sighed and said sure, but that I was the one they contacted by phone two years ago and certified mail this month; that it was just what he had on him, and that it was just 50 bucks. More to the point I didn’t feel comfortable giving her money that she was just going to use to get high. We went back and forth because my mom feels guilty and wants her to have something of the “inheritance”. My best friend best phrased how silly it was: that it was just 50 bucks and have half of it wasn’t going to make my sister change for the better, that I’m having a hard enough time myself and why shouldn’t I keep it since I did the work of going there and securing it.

Later on after the call I got food and came home again. I stayed awake past 2 in the morning and finally slept till 6:30. Now I’m getting ready for my job development Zoom.

I’ll go to the store to get some bars of soap since I had to use antibacterial hand soap to bathe yesterday and pick up a nice Starbucks drink. I’ll use what’s left of the money from my dad to do laundry.

I am so glad that you went out of your comfort zone and made that trip. It sounds like it was quite a success. You navigated complicated bus and train routes, got a pocket knife and key to help remember your dad and $50. 

That $50 is completely yours. Your sister didn't go to pick it up. She doesn't currently have the capacity to do anything responsible like that. And your needs here are very important if you don't have money for food or laundry (not drugs). I am so glad that you were able to come up with some good things to spend it on.

It was all very exhausting, but you did it. Now onto that job Zoom. You keep taking solid steps forward.

I will. The Zoom wasn’t great because the five leads selected weren’t great; skills don’t match or they are too far away. I’ll try and look for more so I have something positive to present next Wednesday. Tomorrow is gamer’s group so I’ll go there for a bit to socialize.