Lost
[+/-] I think I'm done.
[-] Nothing seems to work.
[+] I am living someone else's life.
[-] Never once mine.
[+] Everything is processed by the brain.
[-] None by the heart.
[+] Even this post. The way I write... somehow must rhyme.
[-] Hiaz, Why am I this way.
[+] What did I do wrongly in the first place.
[-] Oh well, forget about it. Who cares.
@mytwistedsoul
I'm sorry to hear about the portal and the app. I've had that happen to me a few months ago. It just wouldn't let me in. I'm still not sure what the problem was.
I'm glad to see you though. I was hoping it was nothing serious.
7cups team just got back saying its some bug. - i hope so... initially i thought i was banned.
because i saw the url showing some "error" syntax.
kept fearing that i was banned. - perhaps this is also some bad, negativity habit or behaviour of my poor disordered mentality of thinking this way
I have to admit - I got a chuckle out of this first part - because you kind of made a joke. I know you don't do that much.
sorry. its this common habit of mine to like to intentionally "cold joke" stuffs. sometimes serious sometimes not.
but still the serious stuffs/thoughts are still there. the intentional joke is just a pointless thing. its like "something" i must do kind of thing only. yet i duno for what.
Do you think maybe it's like low blood pressure or something? I'll have to look into it a little later. Do you get any warning before it happens? Like a funny feeling or start to maybe notice something with your vision? Some little warning?
well, my blood pressure/heart rate has been on the low side for sometime already.
no warnings, it just happens suddenly.
its like your battery getting' weak and just turns off without warning.
then you "wack" or something abit, some leftover juice just kicks in.
I'm really sorry to hear that you're not getting any support from your family. It's really hard when there's no one you can turn to. Especially the people you should be closest too. It really sucks not having that. I have the same problem with mine.
I think my mentality needs re-wiring. In true honesty, they are "showing" support in a certain extent. Just that it is not what I want/expect perhaps.
but yea, it is very challenging to turn to them for support. - because i know they won't be knoding with my thoughts
i guess every one has their personal "private" issues - yet we individually always thought we only ourselves are "suffering" from it
It's cool - you can voice your thoughts. Your frustrations. Sometimes we need to. A little release. Blow off some steam.
You're welcome Mike. Like I said before - I like talking with you. You don't ever have to feel obligated to me for anything. Thank you - I have to admit - I'm not always strong or clear. We all have our weak moments.
Okays. Great. I don't think I can find another better option or paths for now at least. to just talk/chat/type things out. Without the fear of payback or any sorts.
Perhaps when I'm ready. To face my greatest fear and/or challenge of life and move on to a better place. I will let you know.
Likewise, I don't wanna you to feel obligated to stick around forever. If you need to take a breather or stop or move on too do let me know. Some hint or message will do.
Lol! (sorry - the enough with the emotional thanks got me) You're welcome!
Yea. Sure. I kinda noticed. There are better ways/professional ways/courteous ways to present it.
Repetition is not going to help anywhere.
I'm sorry your bread didn't work well with you. Have you been having trouble with everything you're eating? I know you eat oatmeal. Are you still able to? Or is that causing problems too? Or the sweet potatoes? Sorry - me and my questions!
Talk to you later Mike. Take care - yeah?
Kinda everything, carb, protein, fat, small, large meal, puree, solid, standalone, mixed, different timings, hot, cold, raw, cooked, microwaved, steamed, baked, stir-fry, etc.
Purely exhausted, yes, even my favourites. (which was not my favourites initially)
Thanks twistedsoul. Take care too.
@mikenai22 I had thought the same thing at the time. That I got banned. I couldn't figure out why I would have gotten banned but I did think it. I think it's just the way we think. That - what else can go wrong thing.
Hey no need to apologize - like I said I got a chuckle out of it.
So I saw a few things online on how to help low blood pressure. The first was increase your salt in take - the second was drink more water. Then there's compression socks and crossing your legs when you sitting. I know a lot of people avoid salt because it's bad for you but your body does need some salt. So I don't know if any of this is something you've all ready tried or if you'd be willing to try it. They're just some thoughts anyway.
Maybe it's that they're showing support but maybe not concern? Or maybe not what you think is enough concern and support. We some how always manage to convince ourselves that we're alone with our struggles. Just us and us alone. Which is kind of true - kind of not. There are people in the same situations but we each handle it differently. With our thoughts and our actions. Idk
Hey what ever works for you. We can give each other a little concideration if we need to move on. A few words or something just to say we're moving on or something. Just so we don't wonder or worry if we said or did something to offend or upset the other person.
That's got to be hard. Having problems with everything you eat like that. Wish I knew what to tell you.
Try to have a good evening - Take care
@mytwistedsoul
I had thought the same thing at the time. That I got banned. I couldn't figure out why I would have gotten banned but I did think it. I think it's just the way we think. That - what else can go wrong thing.
kinda guessed it. hate this type of mentality.
although it came naturally. but it hurts mentally and doesn't feel sensible as a human being
Hey no need to apologize - like I said I got a chuckle out of it.
So I saw a few things online on how to help low blood pressure. The first was increase your salt in take - the second was drink more water. Then there's compression socks and crossing your legs when you sitting. I know a lot of people avoid salt because it's bad for you but your body does need some salt. So I don't know if any of this is something you've all ready tried or if you'd be willing to try it. They're just some thoughts anyway.
salt, yes indeed you are right that I avoided it like plague. but of recent. I have been trying my best to add a hint of it back to some of my meals. although it is just a tiny touch of it.
water, well.. it is something that I am Abit puzzled. it's not like I never drink. though my coffee consumption is way higher. my pee is already transparent most of the time in the day. so I don't know... if it is due to dehydration or not
compression stockings or ? shit... it sounds similar to my mum's case where she had the issue of varicose veins. kinda something. where the blood is unable to return back to the heart and it's all sinking at the end of the thigh/foot.
I will keep in mind twistedsoul. thanks for checking and pointing it out
Maybe it's that they're showing support but maybe not concern? Or maybe not what you think is enough concern and support. We some how always manage to convince ourselves that we're alone with our struggles. Just us and us alone. Which is kind of true - kind of not. There are people in the same situations but we each handle it differently. With our thoughts and our actions. Idk
it's the way I think and the expectation that is not managed well. different people different generations have their way of showing their care. (maybe not concern, I duno. could be I'm not seeing it correctly)
you are right... it's always "loopsided" in my perspective and it is unhealthy in the long run.
Hey what ever works for you. We can give each other a little concideration if we need to move on. A few words or something just to say we're moving on or something. Just so we don't wonder or worry if we said or did something to offend or upset the other person.
ok.
That's got to be hard. Having problems with everything you eat like that. Wish I knew what to tell you.
Try to have a good evening - Take care
i feel like it's time to give up.
kinda of pointless. putting my mind in misery.
trying different stuffs. not having stuffs that I wanted.
I might as well "coma" myself with foods that I want. than have the same effect despite what the media, doctor, dietitian, everyone said.
since none worked.
thanks twistedsoul. hope your day will turn out like you desired
@mikenai22 It's good to hear that you started adding a little bit of salt to your diet. I know sometimes I kind of crave it. But I'm usually pretty active - so at the risk of sounding gross - I sweat alot.
Sorry about the stockings- that's was one of the first things they said. It might be something to give a try - see if it helps any.
You're right Different generations do things differently.
I know you've got to be tired and frustrated. And everything seems pointless. I wish I knew some answers. Something more concrete. Have you been able to eat lately with out any nausea? Do you try things for a few days before you try something else? Do you take any antiacids for the reflux?
Sorry questions again!
I haope you have an ok day. Doesn't have to be good - just ok works. But not ok is ok too.
Take care - be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
It's good to hear that you started adding a little bit of salt to your diet. I know sometimes I kind of crave it. But I'm usually pretty active - so at the risk of sounding gross - I sweat alot.
Honest speaking, I dont like it though.
I hate doing things for the sake of doing. Its always like the mentality of doing things that I dont want to kinda.
Well only you know your body best? So... if it works out for you, you feel the need, and better off you feel great after consumption, i dont see what's wrong.
Sorry about the stockings- that's was one of the first things they said. It might be something to give a try - see if it helps any.
Nah, nothing wrong about it. Its just you know, money, stuffs, etc. the pains, troubles, concerns, never ending faults and solutions that never worked.
You're right Different generations do things differently.
I know you've got to be tired and frustrated. And everything seems pointless. I wish I knew some answers. Something more concrete. Have you been able to eat lately with out any nausea? Do you try things for a few days before you try something else? Do you take any antiacids for the reflux?
Indeed. I truly am.
It is ok. Although I kept asking everyone, hoping for answers or "digging/expecting" for answers from them. But in my heart (not mind) i never truly faulted them for not having answers, whether correct or wrong. But in my mind, it always think of the other way. - With that i must apologise for the wrong attitude.
No, i havent been able to eat anything without nausea. I had the same meal (something new actually that i hardly ate) as the day before, with a smaller portion and same thing happened. So like i have suggested, big small, carb, protein, fat, etc. Its the same.
Well, regards to the chest pain (not sore throat) the doctor prescribed antacids. Which was seriously debutted by internet/social media that it will only worsen acid reflux. So with both sides of story, I'm very very lost. Anyways I'm taking them for now. But I dont know whether it truly helps or not.
Sorry questions again!
I haope you have an ok day. Doesn't have to be good - just ok works. But not ok is ok too.
Take care - be gentle with yourself.
Dont be. I know you have good intent. Hence the questions. Plus its good that you are open and willing to continuous try and best of all, not even giving up. Which many of my other closed ones already gave in.
And sometimes it might just, open my mind a little to see something that i perhaps have overlooked.
ok day - hiaz... i just hoped a day could be better, than just letting it pass.
thanks twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 Does the nausea happen while you're eating or afterwards? You probably told me - I'm sorry if I forgot.
Do you remember what the last thing was that you ate that didn't make you feel nauseous? Does it happen with the pureed stuff? With the chest pain - is it in the center of your chest or left or right? Does it happen all the time or at certain times? Any chills or fever or anything? Idk - sorry questions again. Just running things through my head and these are questions that popped up. You don't have to answer them of course. Have you noticed any difference at all with the antacids in the last little bit since you started them?
I know you're feeling very lost. I wish we could figure something out for you. I don't mind looking into thing and trying to come up with something. If you don't mind all my questions. Of course you can always ignore them - I mean it's ok if you get tired of them. Just tell me you've had enough and I'll give it a rest. Maybe we can uncover something.
Better days - Mike - hopefully we'll find some for you soon.
Be gentle with yourself. Take care
@mikenai22
Does the nausea happen while you're eating or afterwards? You probably told me - I'm sorry if I forgot.
Afterwards. And most commonly quite responsive. Right after i washed the plate/tupperware or the most 5-10mins.
But like suggested, could be due to the fact that i returned to my computer.
If i force activities to myself, i.e. ironing, etc. I might be able to hold out for a while. but will still feel the lethargy.
Once i go back to my chair, will feel it again.
Plus not forgetting the adnormal shutdowns also.
Do you remember what the last thing was that you ate that didn't make you feel nauseous? Does it happen with the pureed stuff? With the chest pain - is it in the center of your chest or left or right? Does it happen all the time or at certain times? Any chills or fever or anything? Idk - sorry questions again. Just running things through my head and these are questions that popped up. You don't have to answer them of course. Have you noticed any difference at all with the antacids in the last little bit since you started them?
No more, not anymore. Now my favourite food also results similarly.
Pureed foods - Same now. Initially was done to help aid in digestion.
Chest Pain - Centre, now has been lesser. But the reflux or regurgiation of food still happening. Mostly when i consume anything, food, water.
No Chills, Fever - Maybe some sort of "heatiness"
No idea about antacids, just that the whole internet is placing antacids at 100% of aggreviating the situation than resolving it.
I know you're feeling very lost. I wish we could figure something out for you. I don't mind looking into thing and trying to come up with something. If you don't mind all my questions. Of course you can always ignore them - I mean it's ok if you get tired of them. Just tell me you've had enough and I'll give it a rest. Maybe we can uncover something.
I can only be glad that you understand, and aware.
I don't mind the questions. Since I am replying via chat. If i were to reply via voice. I rather not to. cause it is going to be repeating and worsening my throat.
But of all, I do really sincerely hope to get to the bottom of it. - Without being caged in ED unit.
Better days - Mike - hopefully we'll find some for you soon.
Be gentle with yourself. Take care
Thank you twistedsoul. You too rest well.
@mikenai22 Hey How are you?
I was kind of wondering if it could be something with your gallbladder. My grandfather has a problem with his once upon a time. They tried to say it was reflux and a whole lot of other things. It wasn't until he was getting jaundice that they finally checked into it better. I don't know if they thought he was faking or what. But he would get sick after eating - had pain in his chest. They prescribed antacids. I guess they helped a little but not much. Idk - just a thought.
Idk - I just think that if it was reflux or heartburn or what ever they want to call it the antacids would have helped more than they did.
I can understand not wanting to be caged. I can't say I blame you for not wanting that. The rules - the structure. The loss of freedom. Yeah - not a good thing. Hopefully it won't come to that.
Take care - be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey How are you?
my computer hanged halfway while typing... sorry. i'll retype as much as i could remember to express what i initially wanted.
Still the same. Nothing much.
Suicidal thoughts are still there daily... But the guilt, fear and not daring to do it. (Yea the window option)
Kinda irritating.
2 days ago, my stool had some traces of blood. I duno if it was due to excessive digging or food.
Somemore quite some number of undigested food. Anyways this is not the first time. I'm guessing either the digestive enzyme did not completely cleared it or something.
I was kind of wondering if it could be something with your gallbladder. My grandfather has a problem with his once upon a time. They tried to say it was reflux and a whole lot of other things. It wasn't until he was getting jaundice that they finally checked into it better. I don't know if they thought he was faking or what. But he would get sick after eating - had pain in his chest. They prescribed antacids. I guess they helped a little but not much. Idk - just a thought.
gallbladder. this i am not sure.
these few days, the pain has kinda subsidied. but the food coming back up or the weird mouth taste is still present. totally hate it.
anyways the way medical doctors work, hiaz. is always by theory, fact, results and prescribe. nothing more i presume. unless some that goes extra mile to support aid.
but then social media about antacid. like it is bad all over the place, not useful, worsening, etc.
Idk - I just think that if it was reflux or heartburn or what ever they want to call it the antacids would have helped more than they did.
But then, it does not mean that it is really useless. Its just depends on the individual and if the situation is really correct.
I can understand not wanting to be caged. I can't say I blame you for not wanting that. The rules - the structure. The loss of freedom. Yeah - not a good thing. Hopefully it won't come to that.
Take care - be gentle with yourself.
I duno. Honest. Hiaz.
Apologies, i realised i quoted myself instead of you.
Yes, I'll try to remember it. Always seem to forget and worry more of negative stuffs. Hiaz...
@mikenai22 Hey nothing to worry about or apologize for. I'm just sorry it happened to yu and you had to retype the stuff. It's irritating when that happens.
I'm sorry you're having those thoughts. I wish - man do I wish we could get some answer's for you. It worries me that you're feeling this way. I just hope you don't feel an urge to act on them. But I understand how tired and frustrated you must be feeling with all the bs you're dealing with.
I'm glad the pain has subsided but it sucks that you're still have problems with the food. It's disheartening that the doctors don't want to do more and venture outside of the facts and theories. You would think that the results you're getting would tell them to look else where. Or at least look a little deeper into it. Instead of pushing more pills on you. Someone needs to go that extra bit for you. There has to be a doctor somewhere who is willing to look into this.
Try to be gentle with yourself. Look after you first. If you don't have the energy or don't feel up to it - you don't have to reply. I just want you to take care of you.
@mytwistedsoul
it is ok. don't have to be apologetic for my computer problem.
anyways... I duno what to say further for now. it just purely suck.
I mean I wished for answers to be enlightened as much as possible. but perhaps reality is at play here. and guess I don't have much control over.
yea. will try to care. although... I noticed I haven't been truly caring. not even once. when. will I ever care or show some... to myself.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey How are you?
Surviving. Kinda.
Tried to call SOS hotline yesterday. Asked if i could go down to the centre just to have a chat. Instead of over the phone.
The person on the hotline was way more anxious than me. hiaz. duno how to talk to her.
It was so difficult to pick up the phone and make the call. Plus the phone is in the living room.
Anyways... other than that I duno.
Still kinda the same, pondering, questioning.
Stucked at my shopping cart for food processor. (on-going promo) cant decide. its like an addition to make nut butter.
yet felt like i am spending excess money. because i still have a equavilent "nutribullet" that is leaking. but still servciable.
i cant help it.
worrying about computer... build or not. or just bear with what i have.
headphones... well i took a leap of faith, T-Loaned from Sony (on-going promo) with $50SGD refundable deposit. That is if i return in pristine condition. zzz the anxiety and stress.
well... i can only say, noise-cancelling is very "painful" for the heart.
it does not work 100% (based on reviews) because the technology is meant for low freq noises. not human speaches and etc. though it blocks out some.
hiaz.. i duno. all the money stuffs.
pestering.
stomach, body, soul, cheekbone, calfs, whatever hiaz.
You can't help but feel how you feel about all this. You're allowed to be frustrated - tired - pissed. It has nothing to do with being a morally rightfully sound minded person. You've been fighting with all of this for a while.
Well. I was telling my brother just yesterday.
I want out of it. everything. I wanna be free and not chained with all the rubbishes.
Its so... irritating.
I dont want to be bogged down with appointments after appointments, medication, thoughts, money compulsion, food thoughts, calories, exercises, work, pains, fatigue, etc.
I just want to be let alone.
There is an aweful lot of things you're dealing with - it's a lot to worry about. I really wish there was more I could do for you. A way I could find you answers. You do have my support of course. We can chat. What ever.
Red - I think this alone, is good enough. Let me sink it to my mind/brain.
Answers, i think.. may not be "findable"
I'm glad to hear that the appointment is booked. You can always change your mind. But I'm really hopeful that this will hold some answers for you. Keep me post - yeah?
Try to be gentle with yourself.
Definitely. If i am still around. I am still pondering daily at the window... hiaz. the brain just could not quiet down.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I want to say that I'm really glad you reached out to someone when you're feeling like that. It really does say alot about how hard you're trying. It shows alot of courage and heart. I know that probably sounds - Idk - sappy on my part. Although I'm sorry to hear that the person you contacted was more anxious then you. Probably wasn't very helpful. I have to admit I called the hot line here a few weeks ago myself. Sometimes we need to take a leap of faith and reach out to someone.
I really can understand not wanting to be bogged down by all these things. Sometimes it just feels like too much - it's so over whelming. Leaves you feeling like you have no idea where to start. I'm here for you. I hope it's not too much to ask but when you start to think about that window - take a moment. A pause - a breath. Reach out to someone - anyone.
It's hard to quiet our heads sometimes - our brains are demanding things. I know mine really p*sses me off sometimes. You're in my thoughts MIke - every day. I'm still wishing so many good things for you.
Please try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. We're here for you. We do care about you.
@mytwistedsoul
hey there. I don't really know what to say.
it had has been quite a journey for both of us here
I know that it is never easy for anyone who is or had went through similar issues plus to get over it. it which requires extreme strength and courage
thank you for always keeping me in check, thank you for showing and reminding me always. to be gentle and more importantly being present and showing up.
I never liked to "end" my life. however it just seemed to be the option that offers most and better than what ever else is offering. yet I am not able to do it. the battle of the mind the guilt the fear the pain.
even now, I'm questioning what I should be doing
reply your post
sleep in
exercise
on computer
read all the rubbishes
what to prepare today
but most importantly thanks again for being there
@mikenai22 It's not easy to get over things and move on. It takes time. I know - everything takes time. We get impatient. We want results now. Immediately. God- I wish it was that easy. I wish we could snap our fingers and just make everything better - make it the way it should be.
You're welcome - always. I know I disappear for a few days here and there. But I don't forget you. I know we've never met - probably never will but I do concider you a friend.
It does seems like the easiest option at times. I guess I feel like you about it. The guilt - the fear - the pain. The what if I screw it up. I don't want to be stuck in a position where I would be dependant on others. That I couldn't move or go outside on my own. Unable to make my own decisions. So I take that breath - that pause. I take that moment to assess - yes maybe my life does suck but - there's always that but - ya know?
Be gentle with yourself Mike - Sleep when you're tired - rest- try to be patient with yourself and the things you're facing. I know it seems like I'm asking alot. But let's do this one day at a time - yeah?
@mytwistedsoul
It's not easy to get over things and move on. It takes time. I know - everything takes time. We get impatient. We want results now. Immediately. God- I wish it was that easy. I wish we could snap our fingers and just make everything better - make it the way it should be.
problem is the things and events don't wait for me.
hence I wished the results. I "kinda know" that the feeling of suckyness of wait. but then yet I can't stop my mind about it.
You're welcome - always. I know I disappear for a few days here and there. But I don't forget you. I know we've never met - probably never will but I do concider you a friend.
Seriously happy to hear that.
I mean. like I doubt I had someone telling me straight front about considering me as a friend. (except for the above from wise one)
whether we'll meet one day, will depend on fate. And whether if I hit ground zero first. Plus... I assume I stay half across the globe from wherever you live.
It does seems like the easiest option at times. I guess I feel like you about it. The guilt - the fear - the pain. The what if I screw it up. I don't want to be stuck in a position where I would be dependant on others. That I couldn't move or go outside on my own. Unable to make my own decisions. So I take that breath - that pause. I take that moment to assess - yes maybe my life does suck but - there's always that but - ya know?
Problem now is i can't find a space to shut everything off. and just focus on "assess" part. My mind is super busy and clouded, and deluded with all the nonsensical junk.
Be gentle with yourself Mike - Sleep when you're tired - rest- try to be patient with yourself and the things you're facing. I know it seems like I'm asking alot. But let's do this one day at a time - yeah?
Problem is. I can't sleep. As in a proper one. Whenever I try to doze off or lie down, the mind will constantly dwell and worry. sometimes when I wake up suddenly, will just complusively worry.
one day at a time.. hiaz.. when will I try that.
@mikenai22 It's hard to remember that there is people rooting us on. I know I do. Mainly because my cheering section is only in here and when I'm having a bad time - I avoid this place. I end up keeping to myself.
The sleep loss I think makes everything harder - seem so much worse. Because you're tired you don't want to do anything but sleep. Fully - restfully. Maybe with a full nights rest the brain could cool down. LIke maybe the problem now is it's over heated. I know that's not really possible but - just wishfull thinking on my part.
Be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
It's hard to remember that there is people rooting us on. I know I do. Mainly because my cheering section is only in here and when I'm having a bad time - I avoid this place. I end up keeping to myself.
I am sorry. - Even though I know you will say don't be.
But if your cheering section is here only. (I presume 7cups community) Then how to move on later on?
I mean everyone will have to part ways one day or another. - Although i wished it can be forever.
(Wait a SECOND MIKE... Did you just came to a ???realisation???)
The sleep loss I think makes everything harder - seem so much worse. Because you're tired you don't want to do anything but sleep. Fully - restfully. Maybe with a full nights rest the brain could cool down. LIke maybe the problem now is it's over heated. I know that's not really possible but - just wishfull thinking on my part.
Its more like a mental struggle, let me try to explain abit below
- Mind : It's time to wake up. Body : No... i'm tired. Mind : Now is the only peace time where you can "work", take the shot.
- Body : Pain... Time to flip side..., I need to pee, etc. Mind : No, I am too fatigued to think to move. Don't please. Body : But I dont wanna hold it much longer...
- Mind : Your parents are outside, let's stay in peace for awhile longer. Body : But I dont want to lie anymore, its very daunting and painful... Mind : Just wait out, maybe another minute and see...
its like the disagreement between the mind and body. Sometimes the mind is right, sometimes the body is right. Until I dont know who to listen to...
Be gentle with yourself
Shit... I have been forgetting. Only so engrossed to "reply".
I will try to remember twistedsoul.
@mikenai22 Yeah it is only on here. Unfortunately. I mean it's better than nothing but Idk - I just don't socialize anywhere offline. Tbh - I'm not sure what I'll do. If something happens to this place or If I stop showing up for good. I just don't know. I guess I'm trying not to think about it.
Your body/mind argument sounds a little like mine. My body says no I can't and my mind says we got things to do. It's a rare occasion when they both agree. It's frustration. Because wow - if they could work together. I might be able to get alot more done.
It's ok to forget - we all forget to be gentle with ourselves. That's why it's good to have people to remind us. That's where I come in and well now Wise One. Thought it was pretty cool - that's what I call NoneTheWiser too.
Be gentle with your thoughts and yourself Mike. Take care
@mytwistedsoul
guess each of us hasbour own battles and nemesis to face with.
anyways HR will be meeting me this Thursday. Where I will finally hear the outcome of their decision. my boss had already mentioned of the high chances of termination and probably better for me to self-resignate.
hiaz. of all the choices.
@mikenai22 Oh wow - the waiting must be hell. I'm sorry all this is happening to you. That really sucks. We're here for you - try not to forget. No matter what happens - we're here for you.
Plans for when 7 cups isn't around? No - honestly I don't. I'm kind of hopeful that I'll be in a better spot when and if that happens. If not - I'm not sure what I'll do. Probably go back to keeping to myself.
@mytwistedsoul
Oh wow - the waiting must be hell. I'm sorry all this is happening to you. That really sucks. We're here for you - try not to forget. No matter what happens - we're here for you.
Dont be sorry twistedsoul.
Neither nor i wanted it to reach to this state either.
Thank you again for the constant reminder...
Plans for when 7 cups isn't around? No - honestly I don't. I'm kind of hopeful that I'll be in a better spot when and if that happens. If not - I'm not sure what I'll do. Probably go back to keeping to myself.
Guess, its abit like waiting for the D-Day to arrive i guess.
Hiaz... going back. I duno seriously. Well at least its something.
@mikenai22 Of course you didn't want it to come to this state - this point. It's not like you woke up one day and said hey let me just get my life out of wack. It's not like you chose to be "sick". I mean I know I certainly didn't chose to be how I am. Idk - I'm sorry - I think maybe that sounds a little hostile on my part. I'm sorry. Sometimes emotions get a little over whelming and it seems to take away my common sense.
Try to remember that in spite of everything - you're doing the best you can at this moment. Sometimes it takes all of our energy just to breath. That's ok. People who have never struggled with anything don't seem to realize that.
Hey I'll remind you every day if I have to. We're here for you. Anything you ever want to tal about. No judgment - no pressure.
Try to be gentle with yourself
Hi everybody I'm Skye. I have a few things wrong and I'm Trying to find someone to talk to about my life,
@Fireskye13
hello skye, welcome to 7cups.
Though i am in some deep rabbit hole myself. But if i can offer/share anything with you, i be sure to do within my limits.
You do not have to force yourself to share if it is private and personal to you.
Or if anything you like to talk about is also ok. To your comfort level.
it is all over.
@mikenai22 I'm gonna sit here for a while with you if that's ok.
@mytwistedsoul
thank you. somehow I find it hard to do anything
@mikenai22 Hey that's ok. Take that moment - a deep breath - a pause. I am here for you.
@mytwistedsoul
it's so difficult to do anything right.
even sleep...
been having weird breathing episodes. like some form of exhaustive breathless
@mikenai22 Do you feel anxious?
@mytwistedsoul
always have been. maybe today's Abit different
@mikenai22 A bit worse? Have you tried to ground yourself?
5 things you can see
4 things you can feel
3 you can hear
2 you can smell
1 you can taste
@mytwistedsoul
it's like the mind is fatigued.
but the body is still awake
@mikenai22 Have you tried to meditate or anything? Maybe you can calm your body and mind together.
@mytwistedsoul
Have you tried to meditate or anything?
no, but i gave up the bed (for now at least.)
bit an apple.
regretted.
calories in - 100
need to work it off later.
hiaz.
Maybe you can calm your body and mind together.
duno... i cant sleep now.
@mikenai22 If there's anything I can do to help all you have to do ask. I'm still sitting here with you. Just letting you know you're not alone
@mytwistedsoul
to be honest.
i dont really know what to "ask for now"
decisions? something to do?
exercise? eat and suffer digestion pains? i duno.
@mikenai22 Would doing something simple like going for a walk help? Some fresh air and little time to clear your mind? Maybe a shower? Do you ever do any journaling?
@mytwistedsoul
Would doing something simple like going for a walk help?
Its like 1am now.
well.. i did ran before at 2am.
maybe. but i just ran 24 hours ago.
Some fresh air and little time to clear your mind? Maybe a shower? Do you ever do any journaling?
duno... journaling?
I stopped for awhile. became compulsive and repetive and full of negativity.
@mikenai22 I understand the concern of the negative journaling but I think it's better to get it out, rather then hold it all inside. We can't always write about sunshine and flowers. We have to write the bad things out too. It's just a thought of course.
@mytwistedsoul
I did it. I went for a impromptu run.
Felt sucky.
Mind was totally a mess during the run.
Forget it.
The run is over.
I understand the concern of the negative journaling but I think it's better to get it out, rather then hold it all inside. We can't always write about sunshine and flowers. We have to write the bad things out too. It's just a thought of course.
Understand. Its just that when i reviewed some pages back. I realised how negative all the pages were. I can hardly or even spot a line of positivity. Which was why i thought i should weane off a while first.
Write only when I truly feel like writing. Not for the sake of checkboxing.
@mikenai22 Just checking in with you Mike.
I'm sorry your run sucked.
Tbh I try to write everyday. Good or bad. Here or in a journal. Some days both. It's just better to get it out of my head. Especially the bad stuff. Sometimes I'll write things out an then destroy it. Just because it feels good. Cleansing. Of course you have to do what's comfortable to you.
@mytwistedsoul
can't sleep. (truly) though I dozed off once in a short while.
thanks for checking up.
well it's like how you feel and use the journal I suppose?
@mikenai22 It's hard when all you want to do is sleep and escape from your thoughts and feelings. I know it may not be much but we are here for you. For what ever we can do to help. Sometimes it's nice to just know you're not alone.
I'm still here sending good thoughts your way.
Try to be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
I find it very hard to really sleep (solid)
the mind had been fraying on and off. thinking about stuffs...
thank you again for being around. since yesterday accompaning me without condition.
I started noticing that the world the people has been negating me so much
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I'm sorry to hear about the sleep. I feel for you. I haven't had a full restful sleep in months. It really sucks when you can't sleep. Do you feel anxious or depressed? Of both? Or neither. You may not even be able to decide. KInd of like a systen shut down. You're over whelmed. You are trying to figure out so many things right now. It's ok to feel over whelmed. There's been a lot of talk going around about it being ok to not be ok. It's also ok to not know or understand what you're feeling.
You welcome - I wish I could have done more. I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner today.
You are allowed to feel what ever you're feeling. What ever you're feeling. It sounds like maybe you have a lot of people telling you how you should feel and what you should do. I'm sorry I wish I knew something better to tell you. But what you feel is valid. It is allowed.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Mike - I'm sorry to hear about the sleep. I feel for you. I haven't had a full restful sleep in months. It really sucks when you can't sleep. Do you feel anxious or depressed? Of both? Or neither. You may not even be able to decide. KInd of like a systen shut down. You're over whelmed. You are trying to figure out so many things right now. It's ok to feel over whelmed. There's been a lot of talk going around about it being ok to not be ok. It's also ok to not know or understand what you're feeling.
i see you been having bad rest too.
i can only sleep/doze off for a good half hour, before suddenly waking up, either pee leak, banged my head, drooled, anxiety, etc.
no idea, not sure if is anxious, depressed or the food i ate or what.
my calfes are hurting like zzz, but yet i prefer to stand/walk abit than sitting or sleeping.
duno if it is due to the run yesterday. this mornings yoga sucks also.
yea... thinking too much i guess...
yea. all the noises and information received from others also. hiaz. you should do this, do that, try this, try that
what do you recommend that i should do... i dont think now i can like "try" this or that either.
You welcome - I wish I could have done more. I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner today.
You are allowed to feel what ever you're feeling. What ever you're feeling. It sounds like maybe you have a lot of people telling you how you should feel and what you should do. I'm sorry I wish I knew something better to tell you. But what you feel is valid. It is allowed.
Its ok. dont have to be instant... or even if you have forgotten. it is ok.
thank you for the reminder. i often felt like, i duno what is going on. perhaps self-blame or whatever.
its ok. dont have to.
but actually rather, you told me something already. (in red) which i dont think my mind will ever even thought about in the first place.
@mikenai22 We're all here for you MIke. In anyway you need - But don't let us over whelm you either
@mytwistedsoul
I just don't know what to do. suddenly I felt sleepy. next moment I'm not sleepy.
I don't want to disturb your day either
i hate decision makings, when both are tough choices to make.
@mikenai22 Hey Mike - you're right decisions are hard. Especially when all your options are hard. I've been told to take a moment a pause before making a set decision. Because sometimes they're made in haste. But I guess it all depends on your situation.
@mytwistedsoul
the stupid (new) food processor is sitting at the walkway for a few days.
i hesitated to open it. thinking of selling it. - because its a hasle to maintain/clean/upkeep/store
my mum, insisted i should open it. cleared a working space for me.
now i opened, washed some parts. and i hesitated even more to use it.
now i'm kinda stucked at how to prepare lunch without it or use the old leaking blender.
@mikenai22 I have to apologize - I thought I replied to this. I hate when that happens.
How are you today?
So what did you decide? Did you try the food processor? I know clean up may be more but I hope you give it a chance. It may actually turn out to be pretty cool. I get alittle excited sometime when I get something new for the shop. I hate spending the moeny on things but ti's always prtty awesome to have new thing to work with.
Be gentle with yourself - yeah?
@mytwistedsoul
I have to apologize - I thought I replied to this. I hate when that happens.
hey it is ok. dont punish yourself for it.
How are you today?
No idea. I woke up (as in the usual unintentional type) with alot of crazy mind processing about below problem.
And worse off, despite learning to not "bite" food, rest for 30min then exercise, i attempted it again.
Lastly to the extreme worst, my father came back home again. Hiaz, no more peace during midnight wee hours.
So what did you decide? Did you try the food processor? I know clean up may be more but I hope you give it a chance. It may actually turn out to be pretty cool. I get alittle excited sometime when I get something new for the shop. I hate spending the moeny on things but ti's always prtty awesome to have new thing to work with.
I did shameful acts, again.
1. I asked my mum for $ to "compensate" my lost or pretend that she bought for me instead
2. When she pushed me the cash, i immediately rejected. But still accepted it in the end. I dont really know why, but i felt like i needed it so badly to move on.
3. I used the processor - Devalued. Hiaz, cannot sell at retail price.
4. Cool, well in a certain manner yes. Sucks? Well, how about 1:10 pros:cons. Hiaz. I cant seem to out weigh the positives against the negative.
Yes, new stuffs, whatever is supposed to be happy/excited to unbox, use, etc. - For me is the "perfect moment" to unbox.
But now, because of how emotions, money, etc that affects me. I totally lost the mood for new stuffs.
1. choosing, deciding what to get, the perfect tool, right moment to get, pay, best price, coupons, etc.
2. totally drained the hell out of me (yet i continue to do it)
3. after spending, i totally lost the satisfication, mood and drive to want the item
Be gentle with yourself - yeah?
Hiaz. Let me see... how
@mytwistedsoul
twisted soul, i just wanted to share again.
I gave the food processor another chance. Thinking that it might win my heart over.
It failed miserably.
Either I suck at using, or it really underperformed.
Although it did produce nut butter, but the remaining tasks that i needed totally failed.
@mikenai22 I have to admit - I was hoping it might win you over. I've never used one myself. I know alot of people swear by them. But that's probably just the commercials. I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go so well. Is it something the rest of the family can or would use?
I know sometimes I get this feeling or thought that everything bad that comes my way - I deserve. Penance - punishment - whatever you want to call it.
I know it's hard to be gentle with yourself. We all have days and there are times I'm not sure how to do it either. I just try to take a pause and not think so critically of myself. Idk - Guess we're all just sort of fumbling around.
We're here for you though.
@mytwistedsoul
actually I wanted too keep it so badly.
it supposed to aid make nut butters with ease.
unlike other methods.
but the excessive cleanup and issues that I faced not hitting expectations just constantly makes me fumble....
hiaz I just felt like it's time to let go of.
yea it's kinda sucky to have problem after another.
worse when this was something I been wishing to get it fixed.
yet actually was giving me issues.
now I have to seek for another replacement again
@mikenai22 That really sucks that it didn't do what you wanted it to - what it was supposed to do. Can you trade it in? I know it was used so I'm sure they deduct from that but I mean something is better than nothing. Or could you gift it to someone? I guess it probably as more pieces and parts that need washing when you take it apart. That would be a pain in the butt I imagine.
Do you have something else in mind to get or still doing reserch?
How have other things been going for you?
@mytwistedsoul
That really sucks that it didn't do what you wanted it to - what it was supposed to do. Can you trade it in? I know it was used so I'm sure they deduct from that but I mean something is better than nothing. Or could you gift it to someone? I guess it probably as more pieces and parts that need washing when you take it apart. That would be a pain in the butt I imagine.
Well it did deliver the nut butter (+ additional mess it created)
Initially I put it up for sale first.
Then i wrote a feedback, and thought might as well see if can refund.
Now waiting for pickup, and their verification. - No gurantees.
My brother thought that I should "stop" this idea of buying and selling/returning/giving mentality.
Cause it is not very healthy in decision making and all the efforts and troubles that it will bring along.
Yea, compared to the current bullet blender that I am using. Just that it is leaking. Actually i expected the clean up effort, but only truly felt the pain, when i am literally cleaning it. Along with the other faults.
Do you have something else in mind to get or still doing reserch?
Been searching. For a long time, but cant really derive to anything.
If not the worst, is if it truly broke apart (1 container cracked, the blade is leaking, the main chasis cracked). I'll be forced to quit my current diet?
From what I see now is either, spend on luxrious brands (duno why... and $ again), get the same one (sucks), or a cheap/budget one (that may not perform).
Oh wait, there is a last option actually. Don't buy. Quit this lifestyle. Buy nut butters from outside store. Screw the clean eating concept. Dont' spend excessively on "natural" nut butter. Just do what people/community in my country does.
How have other things been going for you?
Sleep - been trying, yet challenging. probably 4-5 hours total? Although it is not a full complete sleep, walk toilet multiple times, waking up, check phone, etc. But I guess better than none.
Exercise - Still, funky. Sometimes ok, Sometimes bad.
Food/Diet - I wish my mind can just shut up on this topic.
Possessions - Problematic area, still struggling
Work - No changes. Still getting messages/opinions from different people.
Money - Hiaz... another hatred topic.
@mikenai22 In a small way I can kind of understand the buy and returning or selling things. I mean if it's costing you money in the long run. Like if the don't refund 100%. Or if you have to pay extra to ship it back. Although there are times when things do need to be returned. If it's faulty or doesn't meet your expectations. Of course ultimately the choice is yours. Perhaps it would just be better to get a new bullet blender. Something you all ready know?
Ok some food for thought I suppose - I know it's better to make things yourself because then you know for sure what your ingredients are but which is more financially reasonable? Do you use alot of nut butters? Would it be easier to just purchase all ready made. No mess - no clean up that way? Or If you use alot the blender/ processor would pay for it's self? Just my opinion - but I probably would get something too cheap because of the whole you get what you pay for. Although there have been cases where sometimes the cheapest actually works better. To be honest I have a new blender here that I think cost 20 bucks but it was only used to make spaghetti sauce last summer.
I'm sorry to hear sleep is still a challenge for you. I know how that is. I'm still having trouble myself with that. Yeah some is better then none but if it's not restful it's frustrating.
Are you still having as much pain and trouble with eating? The nausea? I think everyone just about has a love hate relationship when it comes to money.
Be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
In a small way I can kind of understand the buy and returning or selling things. I mean if it's costing you money in the long run. Like if the don't refund 100%. Or if you have to pay extra to ship it back. Although there are times when things do need to be returned. If it's faulty or doesn't meet your expectations. Of course ultimately the choice is yours. Perhaps it would just be better to get a new bullet blender. Something you all ready know?
My brother is hoping towards that I try to learn the experience of making decisions, taking responsibilities and learning to adapt to situations be it good or bad experiences.
I do have my problems with bullet blender. But then yea, definitely lesser anxiety i supposed since its something familar.
And if i go for branded (powerful) bullet blender, it is going to cost way more.
Ok some food for thought I suppose - I know it's better to make things yourself because then you know for sure what your ingredients are but which is more financially reasonable? Do you use alot of nut butters? Would it be easier to just purchase all ready made. No mess - no clean up that way? Or If you use alot the blender/ processor would pay for it's self? Just my opinion - but I probably would get something too cheap because of the whole you get what you pay for. Although there have been cases where sometimes the cheapest actually works better. To be honest I have a new blender here that I think cost 20 bucks but it was only used to make spaghetti sauce last summer.
Financially reasonable - To a certain extent. Maybe as a family yes. Alone. Probably no.
Nut Butters - Not actually, especially when i started learning about calories. Last time when i buy outside, i just eat causually. How i wished i could enjoy like my past. Happy day, apply more. Sad day, apply less.
Ready Made - Definitely way easier, less cleanup. I dont even need to prepare jars, refridgerate, expiry date, etc.
Return of Investment (Blender) - well to a certain extent. just that now i am consumping mostly pureed food; hoping to ease digestion also. well not saying that you are wrong, but yea, sometimes the money just goes to the brand only. for the hype and fame. but then yea, the type of blender/processor will differ in the type of food it can process. even the jar/jug/bottle/blade design will differ in the consistency/output of the food
I'm sorry to hear sleep is still a challenge for you. I know how that is. I'm still having trouble myself with that. Yeah some is better then none but if it's not restful it's frustrating.
hiaz... restful. i am sure it is not.
Are you still having as much pain and trouble with eating? The nausea? I think everyone just about has a love hate relationship when it comes to money.
More or less yea. Nausea has never went away once. Including the food coma.
Money well... i just feel very dissapointed that I cannot even manage it well. or at least to say make some peace.
Be gentle with yourself
Seriously. Why... i keep forgetting. Sorry twistedsoul.
