Lost

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - I'm sorry to hear about the sleep. I feel for you. I haven't had a full restful sleep in months. It really sucks when you can't sleep. Do you feel anxious or depressed? Of both? Or neither. You may not even be able to decide. KInd of like a systen shut down. You're over whelmed. You are trying to figure out so many things right now. It's ok to feel over whelmed. There's been a lot of talk going around about it being ok to not be ok. It's also ok to not know or understand what you're feeling.

You welcome - I wish I could have done more. I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner today.

You are allowed to feel what ever you're feeling. What ever you're feeling. It sounds like maybe you have a lot of people telling you how you should feel and what you should do. I'm sorry I wish I knew something better to tell you. But what you feel is valid. It is allowed.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey Mike - I'm sorry to hear about the sleep. I feel for you. I haven't had a full restful sleep in months. It really sucks when you can't sleep. Do you feel anxious or depressed? Of both? Or neither. You may not even be able to decide. KInd of like a systen shut down. You're over whelmed. You are trying to figure out so many things right now. It's ok to feel over whelmed. There's been a lot of talk going around about it being ok to not be ok. It's also ok to not know or understand what you're feeling.

i see you been having bad rest too.

i can only sleep/doze off for a good half hour, before suddenly waking up, either pee leak, banged my head, drooled, anxiety, etc.

no idea, not sure if is anxious, depressed or the food i ate or what.

my calfes are hurting like zzz, but yet i prefer to stand/walk abit than sitting or sleeping.

duno if it is due to the run yesterday. this mornings yoga sucks also.

yea... thinking too much i guess...

yea. all the noises and information received from others also. hiaz. you should do this, do that, try this, try that

what do you recommend that i should do... i dont think now i can like "try" this or that either.

You welcome - I wish I could have done more. I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner today.

You are allowed to feel what ever you're feeling. What ever you're feeling. It sounds like maybe you have a lot of people telling you how you should feel and what you should do. I'm sorry I wish I knew something better to tell you. But what you feel is valid. It is allowed.

Its ok. dont have to be instant... or even if you have forgotten. it is ok.

thank you for the reminder. i often felt like, i duno what is going on. perhaps self-blame or whatever.

its ok. dont have to.

but actually rather, you told me something already. (in red) which i dont think my mind will ever even thought about in the first place.

@NoneTheWiser

I apologize if you've already talked about this before on your thread; I can't remember. Have you been having trouble sleeping for a long time, or just in recent months? Have you talked with your doctors about a sleep medication, or tried something like natural melatonin? I know when I go for long periods not sleeping well, it messes with my digestion, nausea, and general body aches/pain, headaches, etc.

Dont need to apologise.

Sleep issue has been a for quite some time actually. Just that since thursday, i havent truly slept for longer periods of time than prior. Only just a couple of 2-4 hr max. with continous flip, turns, toilets, what not.

Worse off recent months, when i "intentionally" shifted my sleep cycle. - Yet solely blaming on food coma.

I did talked about medication, but they offered some drowsy medication instead of dizepham. which kinda makes the next day very heavy. No i never tried melatonin.

I do read online (too much self-help again) that lack of sleep do have relation to the issues you mentioned too. unfortuntely... i'm like trying the best i can to sleep.

@NoneTheWiser

I know that must be extremely difficult if the sleep issues have been going on for some time. I don't blame you for not wanting to take a medication that would make you drowsy the next day; I feel the same way. I know you're doing the best you can with a really frustrating and confusing situation. Sleep isn't really something we can control, so I know that makes it even harder. You do really great talking about things here, Mike.

Its kinda irritating to just try to "get" through another day.

I appreciate you checking in with me, and sharing your thoughts. Thank you again, wise one.

@mikenai22 We're all here for you MIke. In anyway you need - But don't let us over whelm you either

@mytwistedsoul

I just don't know what to do. suddenly I felt sleepy. next moment I'm not sleepy.

I don't want to disturb your day either

@mikenai22 You're not disturbing my day. Sometimes we need to reach out. It's ok . No worries.

@mytwistedsoul

but then I don't really know what to say anymore

@NoneTheWiser

it's like getting very exhausted.

not like I don't want or want to do something

@NoneTheWiser

hello wise one. thanks. it's been quiet

i hate decision makings, when both are tough choices to make.

@mikenai22 Hey Mike - you're right decisions are hard. Especially when all your options are hard. I've been told to take a moment a pause before making a set decision. Because sometimes they're made in haste. But I guess it all depends on your situation.

@mytwistedsoul

the stupid (new) food processor is sitting at the walkway for a few days.

i hesitated to open it. thinking of selling it. - because its a hasle to maintain/clean/upkeep/store

my mum, insisted i should open it. cleared a working space for me.

now i opened, washed some parts. and i hesitated even more to use it.

now i'm kinda stucked at how to prepare lunch without it or use the old leaking blender.

@mikenai22 I have to apologize - I thought I replied to this. I hate when that happens.

How are you today?

So what did you decide? Did you try the food processor? I know clean up may be more but I hope you give it a chance. It may actually turn out to be pretty cool. I get alittle excited sometime when I get something new for the shop. I hate spending the moeny on things but ti's always prtty awesome to have new thing to work with.

Be gentle with yourself - yeah?

@mytwistedsoul

I have to apologize - I thought I replied to this. I hate when that happens.

hey it is ok. dont punish yourself for it.

How are you today?

No idea. I woke up (as in the usual unintentional type) with alot of crazy mind processing about below problem.

And worse off, despite learning to not "bite" food, rest for 30min then exercise, i attempted it again.

Lastly to the extreme worst, my father came back home again. Hiaz, no more peace during midnight wee hours.

So what did you decide? Did you try the food processor? I know clean up may be more but I hope you give it a chance. It may actually turn out to be pretty cool. I get alittle excited sometime when I get something new for the shop. I hate spending the moeny on things but ti's always prtty awesome to have new thing to work with.

I did shameful acts, again.

1. I asked my mum for $ to "compensate" my lost or pretend that she bought for me instead

2. When she pushed me the cash, i immediately rejected. But still accepted it in the end. I dont really know why, but i felt like i needed it so badly to move on.

3. I used the processor - Devalued. Hiaz, cannot sell at retail price.

4. Cool, well in a certain manner yes. Sucks? Well, how about 1:10 pros:cons. Hiaz. I cant seem to out weigh the positives against the negative.

Yes, new stuffs, whatever is supposed to be happy/excited to unbox, use, etc. - For me is the "perfect moment" to unbox.

But now, because of how emotions, money, etc that affects me. I totally lost the mood for new stuffs.

1. choosing, deciding what to get, the perfect tool, right moment to get, pay, best price, coupons, etc.

2. totally drained the hell out of me (yet i continue to do it)

3. after spending, i totally lost the satisfication, mood and drive to want the item

Be gentle with yourself - yeah?

Hiaz. Let me see... how

@mytwistedsoul

twisted soul, i just wanted to share again.

I gave the food processor another chance. Thinking that it might win my heart over.

It failed miserably.

Either I suck at using, or it really underperformed.

Although it did produce nut butter, but the remaining tasks that i needed totally failed.

@mikenai22 I have to admit - I was hoping it might win you over. I've never used one myself. I know alot of people swear by them. But that's probably just the commercials. I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go so well. Is it something the rest of the family can or would use?

I know sometimes I get this feeling or thought that everything bad that comes my way - I deserve. Penance - punishment - whatever you want to call it.

I know it's hard to be gentle with yourself. We all have days and there are times I'm not sure how to do it either. I just try to take a pause and not think so critically of myself. Idk - Guess we're all just sort of fumbling around.

We're here for you though.

@mytwistedsoul

actually I wanted too keep it so badly.

it supposed to aid make nut butters with ease.

unlike other methods.

but the excessive cleanup and issues that I faced not hitting expectations just constantly makes me fumble....

hiaz I just felt like it's time to let go of.

yea it's kinda sucky to have problem after another.

worse when this was something I been wishing to get it fixed.

yet actually was giving me issues.

now I have to seek for another replacement again

@mikenai22 That really sucks that it didn't do what you wanted it to - what it was supposed to do. Can you trade it in? I know it was used so I'm sure they deduct from that but I mean something is better than nothing. Or could you gift it to someone? I guess it probably as more pieces and parts that need washing when you take it apart. That would be a pain in the butt I imagine.

Do you have something else in mind to get or still doing reserch?

How have other things been going for you?

@mytwistedsoul

That really sucks that it didn't do what you wanted it to - what it was supposed to do. Can you trade it in? I know it was used so I'm sure they deduct from that but I mean something is better than nothing. Or could you gift it to someone? I guess it probably as more pieces and parts that need washing when you take it apart. That would be a pain in the butt I imagine.

Well it did deliver the nut butter (+ additional mess it created)

Initially I put it up for sale first.

Then i wrote a feedback, and thought might as well see if can refund.

Now waiting for pickup, and their verification. - No gurantees.

My brother thought that I should "stop" this idea of buying and selling/returning/giving mentality.

Cause it is not very healthy in decision making and all the efforts and troubles that it will bring along.

Yea, compared to the current bullet blender that I am using. Just that it is leaking. Actually i expected the clean up effort, but only truly felt the pain, when i am literally cleaning it. Along with the other faults.

Do you have something else in mind to get or still doing reserch?

Been searching. For a long time, but cant really derive to anything.

If not the worst, is if it truly broke apart (1 container cracked, the blade is leaking, the main chasis cracked). I'll be forced to quit my current diet?

From what I see now is either, spend on luxrious brands (duno why... and $ again), get the same one (sucks), or a cheap/budget one (that may not perform).

Oh wait, there is a last option actually. Don't buy. Quit this lifestyle. Buy nut butters from outside store. Screw the clean eating concept. Dont' spend excessively on "natural" nut butter. Just do what people/community in my country does.

How have other things been going for you?

Sleep - been trying, yet challenging. probably 4-5 hours total? Although it is not a full complete sleep, walk toilet multiple times, waking up, check phone, etc. But I guess better than none.

Exercise - Still, funky. Sometimes ok, Sometimes bad.

Food/Diet - I wish my mind can just shut up on this topic.

Possessions - Problematic area, still struggling

Work - No changes. Still getting messages/opinions from different people.

Money - Hiaz... another hatred topic.

@mikenai22 In a small way I can kind of understand the buy and returning or selling things. I mean if it's costing you money in the long run. Like if the don't refund 100%. Or if you have to pay extra to ship it back. Although there are times when things do need to be returned. If it's faulty or doesn't meet your expectations. Of course ultimately the choice is yours. Perhaps it would just be better to get a new bullet blender. Something you all ready know?

Ok some food for thought I suppose - I know it's better to make things yourself because then you know for sure what your ingredients are but which is more financially reasonable? Do you use alot of nut butters? Would it be easier to just purchase all ready made. No mess - no clean up that way? Or If you use alot the blender/ processor would pay for it's self? Just my opinion - but I probably would get something too cheap because of the whole you get what you pay for. Although there have been cases where sometimes the cheapest actually works better. To be honest I have a new blender here that I think cost 20 bucks but it was only used to make spaghetti sauce last summer.

I'm sorry to hear sleep is still a challenge for you. I know how that is. I'm still having trouble myself with that. Yeah some is better then none but if it's not restful it's frustrating.

Are you still having as much pain and trouble with eating? The nausea? I think everyone just about has a love hate relationship when it comes to money.

Be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul

In a small way I can kind of understand the buy and returning or selling things. I mean if it's costing you money in the long run. Like if the don't refund 100%. Or if you have to pay extra to ship it back. Although there are times when things do need to be returned. If it's faulty or doesn't meet your expectations. Of course ultimately the choice is yours. Perhaps it would just be better to get a new bullet blender. Something you all ready know?

My brother is hoping towards that I try to learn the experience of making decisions, taking responsibilities and learning to adapt to situations be it good or bad experiences.

I do have my problems with bullet blender. But then yea, definitely lesser anxiety i supposed since its something familar.

And if i go for branded (powerful) bullet blender, it is going to cost way more.

Ok some food for thought I suppose - I know it's better to make things yourself because then you know for sure what your ingredients are but which is more financially reasonable? Do you use alot of nut butters? Would it be easier to just purchase all ready made. No mess - no clean up that way? Or If you use alot the blender/ processor would pay for it's self? Just my opinion - but I probably would get something too cheap because of the whole you get what you pay for. Although there have been cases where sometimes the cheapest actually works better. To be honest I have a new blender here that I think cost 20 bucks but it was only used to make spaghetti sauce last summer.

Financially reasonable - To a certain extent. Maybe as a family yes. Alone. Probably no.

Nut Butters - Not actually, especially when i started learning about calories. Last time when i buy outside, i just eat causually. How i wished i could enjoy like my past. Happy day, apply more. Sad day, apply less.

Ready Made - Definitely way easier, less cleanup. I dont even need to prepare jars, refridgerate, expiry date, etc.

Return of Investment (Blender) - well to a certain extent. just that now i am consumping mostly pureed food; hoping to ease digestion also. well not saying that you are wrong, but yea, sometimes the money just goes to the brand only. for the hype and fame. but then yea, the type of blender/processor will differ in the type of food it can process. even the jar/jug/bottle/blade design will differ in the consistency/output of the food

I'm sorry to hear sleep is still a challenge for you. I know how that is. I'm still having trouble myself with that. Yeah some is better then none but if it's not restful it's frustrating.

hiaz... restful. i am sure it is not.

Are you still having as much pain and trouble with eating? The nausea? I think everyone just about has a love hate relationship when it comes to money.

More or less yea. Nausea has never went away once. Including the food coma.

Money well... i just feel very dissapointed that I cannot even manage it well. or at least to say make some peace.

Be gentle with yourself

Seriously. Why... i keep forgetting. Sorry twistedsoul.

@NoneTheWiser

Hello wise one. Still hesitating and i made alot of stupid calls on the food processor. Very sinful, guiltful, regretful.

In general, i know something is wrong, i want out also. But i dont really know how to 'move on'.

Yes i know it will require change, etc. (since we discussed before)

Just simply cant.

(Minus sleep stuff...)

@NoneTheWiser

Opps was typing something out. okays then since you have read them.

Appreciate it very much.

@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser

Not asking for approval or suggestions or what not. Just sharing only.

After all this saga. I started seeing this in the morning.

When have I ever truly gave myself a Chance?

To be true to myself, To be myself.

I have been living on guides, recommendations, all set by others, and burned to my mind. And letting my mind govern everything about me. Creating all these rules, rituals, "healthy" habits, that I (my mind) thought were good for self.

If i were to continue this "lifestyle", i am forever hiding from reality.

Even if i want to hide from the world for the rest of my life. I feel I should at least, live "my" life. Not suffer through it.

Hiaz. Wished i could try push/snap/slap myself out of it.

@NoneTheWiser

This is not the first time, I have thought of things this way.

Everytime it just repeats.

@mikenai22 I hope you don't mind - I put this down toward the bottom. I'm not even sure If I'm answering the latest one. I had a tag from you but when I went to click it - it tells me the item is not found. So I'm sorry if I missed something.

I can understand what your brother is trying to do. Although I think some of our ability to make decisions gets better as we get older and learn to be more responsible. Maybe the more powerful one would last longer and work better?

I know regular blenders come with different speeds and they do have a setting for puree. But I'm not sure what the consistancy of it would be - if it would be truely pureed or not.

You're right - alot of times you are just paying extra for the name. Some name brands though are a little more reasonable in price. I'm just thinking something better made may last longer. I'm not sure how long you had your other one.

It's ok to forget Mike - that's where other people come in - to help you remember. To let you know - we're thinking about you. That we see progress even if you don't.

@mytwistedsoul

I hope you don't mind - I put this down toward the bottom. I'm not even sure If I'm answering the latest one. I had a tag from you but when I went to click it - it tells me the item is not found. So I'm sorry if I missed something.

Actually. I much prefer it to be the last post in the page. Way easier to read compared to need to flip through pages. The mobile app is quite painful to use/flip/read posts. So go ahead please.

Its ok. I don't know why the notification dont direct to the exact post anymore.

I can understand what your brother is trying to do. Although I think some of our ability to make decisions gets better as we get older and learn to be more responsible. Maybe the more powerful one would last longer and work better?

My brother whom is younger than me, yet way more mature, stronger.

I'm almost a 100% disappointment to my family.

Powerful - It depends actually. Like this locally branded bullet blender that I am using, is much more "powerful", yet the quality of the parts are typically plastics. Oh well.

I know regular blenders come with different speeds and they do have a setting for puree. But I'm not sure what the consistancy of it would be - if it would be truely pureed or not.

I think more like "pulse?" But then there are quite a number of factors that will affect also. Size of Jug/Bottle, Types of blade, Design and position of blade, Motor Speed, etc.

You're right - alot of times you are just paying extra for the name. Some name brands though are a little more reasonable in price. I'm just thinking something better made may last longer. I'm not sure how long you had your other one.

Yea, its that balance that I am unable to look and achieve at. I was hoping that I can think through properly and come to a peaceful decision while accepting some of the "cons" that may come along the way.

Yet i cant, but rather focus on the negative only.

About a good year. - Wait no. Delivered 11-Nov-2017. Wait... er that's almost 2 years. Shit. I never realised that. ROI 2 years for a $80 hardware that in my mind hope that it last for eternity.

It's ok to forget Mike - that's where other people come in - to help you remember. To let you know - we're thinking about you. That we see progress even if you don't.

I dont feel its correct nor right. Its like not even puting any bit of effort. (I dont want to keep repeating "I'm sorry", "Thank you", because it feels very awkward..., but I feel bad for everyone whom had put so much effort into me.)

Red - I apologise, I keep forgetting.

Blue - Serious. I dont see it. I dont know why. Perhaps (like discussed before) its my vision or mentality that trained me to think things this way.

@mikenai22 I must say I really liked what NoneThe Wiser said about the roles being switched. It's definitely food for thought.

So about 40 bucks a year. Do you think it paid for it's self? I don't know how much nut butter cost or how much you use. It adverages to about 3.34 a month cost wise which is probably pretty good. Did it maybe come with a warranty?

Hey with me - you don't need to keep saying you're sorry or thank you. You are putting in effort. You're doing your appointments - trying to work things out. Find answers.

We care for you. We want to see you suceed. I know it's not an over night thing - I know it won't be an all of a sudden thing. Don't feel bad - I'm hanging out with you because I choose to. I'm here with you because I want to be.

Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts

@mytwistedsoul

I must say I really liked what NoneThe Wiser said about the roles being switched. It's definitely food for thought.

It is. I've shared my comments in wise one's post.

So about 40 bucks a year. Do you think it paid for it's self? I don't know how much nut butter cost or how much you use. It adverages to about 3.34 a month cost wise which is probably pretty good. Did it maybe come with a warranty?

I never counted until that level. i only see it as a whole.

but then, to include others i.e. electricity, time, effort, groceries, etc. hmm.. i duno. but like "they" (internet) said, you pay a price for anything you "seek" (in this case, better food? i doubt so)

Warranty - Yes, one year only.

Hey with me - you don't need to keep saying you're sorry or thank you. You are putting in effort. You're doing your appointments - trying to work things out. Find answers.

Okays.

I know i raised this before. I am considering if i should really clean myself out/up. Get all the junk (i.e. medical, appointments, mindset, lifestyle, health, exercise, etc.) off my shoulder, and like... try to piece things back.

If it is even possible.

We care for you. We want to see you suceed. I know it's not an over night thing - I know it won't be an all of a sudden thing. Don't feel bad - I'm hanging out with you because I choose to. I'm here with you because I want to be.

Be gentle with yourself Mike and your thoughts

Okays. I'm very appreciative of it. I never hear such comments straight from anyone before. Maybe in their hearts i duno. Anyways i dont want to quote for acknowledgements or shaming or whatever. Although I cannot gurrantee anything.

But maybe the least i can try is to remember your kind gestures.

@mikenai22 Hey - I know you said about getting all the stuff off your shoulders and trying to piece things back together. Idk - maybe I'm wrong for saying this but don't you need to understand what caused it? The why of how you got to where you are? That doesn't just go away. If it isn't dealt with there's a good possibility that it would just pop up again. Idk maybe I shouldn't say that. It's just that ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away - no matter how hard we try. although I wish it was that easy.

You don't have to guarantee anything. Just be you - I really do want to see you succeed and be able to more forward. But as I said I know it's not an over night thing. Everything takes time and patience. You'll get there eventually. Try to be patient with yourself.

I hope you have an ok weekend - doesn't have to be good or wonderful. Just ok works too.

Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

@NoneTheWiser

Hey Mike, I just wanted to check in on you.

How are things going with the blender decision?

sensitive topic. or rather. painful topic. i hate decisions.

anyways, i made a "temporary" peace with it.

at least for now, i dont "want" to keep browsing repeating stuffs again and again.

kind looping and dwelling. exhausting.

Have you been having any new thoughts or realizations the last couple days?

not really much. the usual painful stuffs are still rotating rounds.

been exhausting to repeat daily schedules, and not getting results

been exhausting to "find" something to fix and do everyday

I was wondering something. Imagine if you and your brother switched places, and he was struggling with the kinds of things you are struggling with now. What do you think you would tell him? (Try not to think of what he actually says to you now, or what your parents might say... but what would You say to help him through it?)

i might be understanding where you are coming from.

i heard from a podcast, where the person explained this concept.

The advice that you give to someone in your situation, is so much different from the one "you" (as in me) giving to "yourself" (this case me). And the reason behind the issue is the lack of self-love/self-care. Why would you sensibly give someone else an advice that you yourself wont even take.

@NoneTheWiser

Your reply made me smile. I think we all do tend to give advice that we don't (or can't) necessarily take ourselves. I think it's because we don't see the same flaws that others see in themselves - that we see in ourselves. We have much more compassion for others making mistakes. We can recognize that others are human. We hold ourselves to a higher standard. I think this is a way to feel more in-control, when circumstances around us feel so very far out of our control. I understand where you're coming from, truly.

I did? Wow, er glad to hear that it resonated something to you.

Red - I don't see it that way though. I just see it as a person.

Blue - I wonder. But what i am sure though is that I have alot of self-derived-rules. Some are influenced (i.e. minimalism), Some are self-derived (i.e. waking up earlier just to hide from society). Why? I duno. Its just like a want kind of thing.

In-Control - I'm not sure if that is what i exactly am aiming for. But perhaps the underlying truth could be it.

I know it's a hard exercise to do, especially when psychologically you already know the purpose behind it. Still, when I have made myself do these exercises over and over, in time it did actually help me start to recall the concept more/quicker when relating to myself. For a long time, I wouldn't think to do it at all. Then, for another period of time, I'd start to think of it... but then be so stubborn I would choose not to on purpose to punish myself. But finally, I have started to do this from time to time now, and actually believe it. Like exercising a muscle? Takes time to remember what it needs to do smoothly and without much resistance?

Its abit of give and take, committing and balance I feel. But one has to cross through that line of fear of unknown.

Once crossed, when you start trying anything out, and routinely do it. i.e. waking up earlier, exercising daily, cooking for self every single meal, catch your painful thoughts, etc. it becomes a habit or something that you feel that I been doing this, and i can. i should. i will. kind of feeling.

I wonder if i should like.. laundry list out all the shit behaviour that i have self-derived. And maybe fix them bit by bit.

Maybe a first good one, will be something lighter... (i.e. sleep, money) or just straight ahead (i.e. food).

You don't have to the exercise if it makes you uncomfortable, Mike. I won't be offended. Maybe if you ever feel in the mood, you can humor me sometime and tell me what you might say to your brother anyway. :)

In my mind, i believe i have all the answers.

Perhaps i am running away from reality and truth.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey - I know you said about getting all the stuff off your shoulders and trying to piece things back together. Idk - maybe I'm wrong for saying this but don't you need to understand what caused it? The why of how you got to where you are? That doesn't just go away. If it isn't dealt with there's a good possibility that it would just pop up again. Idk maybe I shouldn't say that. It's just that ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away - no matter how hard we try. although I wish it was that easy.

about understanding the cause - it has been quite a journey (if you noticed) that i been asking, hunting, searching for answers. but i did not explored all the problems, rather specifically picked to worked on. (i.e. food coma, etc.) there are still lingering problems that i never talked, addressed and stuffs. Some worse, i merely put a plaster on it only.

Possibilty of pop-up - Yes, in systems engineering context - Fixes that fails. Nope rather the more you should say it. Because it is the hard truth. or rather embracing reality, making peace and adapating to it. I seem to be constantly running away from my problems. It may not be intentional because of other issues that is affecting it. i.e. physical, etc. (dozing off. now... even though i just woke up 3 hours ago)

perhaps like i suggested and worte in wise's one response, to list all the issues. fix them one by one. from my current standpoint i only see 3 possible routes.

1. down the window (sorry, i'm just truthfully blunt and honest)

2. stay on what i am now, continue with this stupid/stubborn journey that i liked. But this will not bring me anywhere, perhaps in 50 years time (7cups servers is still alive, free, community still active, and somehow surviving in the data centre) i might still be typing, replying, posting same stuffs. I know this is not "healthy"

3. fix the "issues" and move on. dont be myself, but someone who can "integrate" better to society, whatever it is called. and just move on. Despite this sounding "healthier", but it just does not feel like myself. Somehow if i weigh pros/cons - which i think i do extremely at, can tell that option 3 is the best.

You don't have to guarantee anything. Just be you - I really do want to see you succeed and be able to more forward. But as I said I know it's not an over night thing. Everything takes time and patience. You'll get there eventually. Try to be patient with yourself.

Hiaz... When. Although yet i know, only i myself can answer that question. The moment things changes, is the moment i let go and move on.

I hope you have an ok weekend - doesn't have to be good or wonderful. Just ok works too.

Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts

Thanks... I duno... but i took a leap of faith, and spent (SGD $21.40) on a stupid thing that i procrastinated so long. Yes it became a checkbox in a checklist now. No more enjoyment.

Piano Trial 1 hour lesson. I wanted to keep quiet about it, and just silently attend. Without anyone's approval, acknowledgement, or awareness.

But my mum just had to force me to say it out.

Where's my life and personal thoughts?

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

Is there no way to chose number three and fix the issues but yet still remain yourself? Although they say change is good but of course not at the risk of losing yourself. But maybe there is a way to grow and get into a better point in your life. Maybe like a compromise. Still live a clean healthy life but Idk - just make some changes. Like maybe pick the one thing that seems to be the biggest issue and let that become what you focus on? Idk

It's hard to just let go and move on without acknowledging what needs work - without fixing things. I wish I knew what to tell you. That I had the answers you seek. I would give them to you in a heart beat.

So you're taking a piano lesson? I don't think that's stupid! That's great! I'm sorry it didn't bring you any joy - is it because you had to give a reason or explanation? Please don't let that take away the joy of it. I think it's really great that you would try this!

Take care Mike Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Serious, I don't I know what to say.

Things are still the same, hurting calfs, sleep?, food coma, what not, thoughts.

Is there no way to chose number three and fix the issues but yet still remain yourself? Although they say change is good but of course not at the risk of losing yourself. But maybe there is a way to grow and get into a better point in your life. Maybe like a compromise. Still live a clean healthy life but Idk - just make some changes. Like maybe pick the one thing that seems to be the biggest issue and let that become what you focus on? Idk

the option is always there. it is whether if, i dare to take it, willing to explore unknown, trial and error to see what works for me, what doesn't and accept what is. Yet not compromising both my "desires" lifestyle and also a healthy "approved by others" view of life one should be.

despite the benefits, what i need to do is willing to try and explore the unknown. Giving in/up on the current fixated "what i think works" restrictive tellable lifestyle.

i duno and doubt the possiblity of achieving a clean and healthy lifestyle is possible if i were to integrate in other factors, i.e. social, money, work, mentality, etc.

either my mind is too weak to "think" of ideas, or I am too fixated with "following" how others are doing "it" (clean/healthy lifestyle)

It's hard to just let go and move on without acknowledging what needs work - without fixing things. I wish I knew what to tell you. That I had the answers you seek. I would give them to you in a heart beat.

I understand. the move is hard. sometimes i wished i can. yet i fall back.

sometimes i even know some "answers" yet i dont want to do it. - i have no words why. energy? will power? lazy?

answers - Thank You. I appreciate it.

So you're taking a piano lesson? I don't think that's stupid! That's great! I'm sorry it didn't bring you any joy - is it because you had to give a reason or explanation? Please don't let that take away the joy of it. I think it's really great that you would try this!

Its only a trial lesson. Need to pay somemore. Something i owed to myself way back 2017. But now it became a checkbox.

I duno why, there was this "slight" joy when playing. But when the session ended. It just felt "its over".

And, for the most important... part. Money.

Thank you for commending. although it was something i thought i tried since young.

Take care Mike Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Thanks, Thanks again for the reminder. I already... long forgotten. Everyday staring at the window as solution.

@mikenai22 I'm sorry to hear that nothing has changed for you. Although I know nothing changes over night.

I would imagine there has to be an amount of fear when it comes to the unknown. The fear of failure, possible even the fear of success. I supposed that sounds weird, but with success comes expectations. Our expecations of ourselves and the expectations of others. So we basically stand frozen. Unsure of what to do. Do we move forward or stay where we are? While those of us here can offer you guidence and possibly advice, you're the only one who can truly choose.

I think it's great though. That you felt some joy while playing. Even if it was just a trial lesson. I think that if it was something you enjoyed doing, why not keep with it? Even if it would just be for a week or two or even possibly a month. Just some time to give yourself the opportunity to fully explore it. It wouldn't be anything set in stone and you can always change your mind and stop later. I still think it's great that you're doing something for yourself. It's a pretty awesome accomplishment in my book.

I wish I could tell you to stop looking at the window. It's not the answer you seek. Try to remember that you have support here. Don't be afraid to reach out. We're still holding a light for you.

Be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry to hear that nothing has changed for you. Although I know nothing changes over night.

Sorry. I dont really know what to reply twistedsoul.

Nothing changes overnight, yes. To a certain extent. But some facts do happen overnight. or even instant. (i.e. job). Shit I'm digging my own wounds.

I would imagine there has to be an amount of fear when it comes to the unknown. The fear of failure, possible even the fear of success. I supposed that sounds weird, but with success comes expectations. Our expecations of ourselves and the expectations of others. So we basically stand frozen. Unsure of what to do. Do we move forward or stay where we are? While those of us here can offer you guidence and possibly advice, you're the only one who can truly choose.

Not only that. I noticed, i keep waiting, wanting security for the choices before i even touch it. And there is also this "safety" net thing that I kept wanting to wait and ensure everything is right before processing.

Well, I know I am the only one who can truly choose. In my mind, I also know what is the "better, correct, useful" choice. In reality, who does not want to be in the correct, rightful, good option? But the mind also wanted to achieve such perfection such that it rather stays behind if it is ok/safe kind of thing. Such that there is no improvement/moving on, and just stucked in the endless loop.

I think it's great though. That you felt some joy while playing. Even if it was just a trial lesson. I think that if it was something you enjoyed doing, why not keep with it? Even if it would just be for a week or two or even possibly a month. Just some time to give yourself the opportunity to fully explore it. It wouldn't be anything set in stone and you can always change your mind and stop later. I still think it's great that you're doing something for yourself. It's a pretty awesome accomplishment in my book.

Simple. (2 things)

Mentality and Money. It is about SGD $45 per 1.5 hour session. I'd apologise I am unaware which country you're from to convert to your currency.

1,2 week then stop, I dont wanna throw money. Its like how much i have already discarded so much. (i.e. medical, health, food, etc)

I don't feel nor see that I am doing something for myself. Like mentioned earlier its checking of checkboxes. For the sake of it. Perhaps in your (others) view its seen differently.

I wish I could tell you to stop looking at the window. It's not the answer you seek. Try to remember that you have support here. Don't be afraid to reach out. We're still holding a light for you.

Be gentle with yourself.

I know. Window sucks. But sometimes it becomes a routine habit to think and ponder about it.

Anyways I duno any other "things" or "options" i can explore for now.

All i know is i am very exhausted. I dont want this every single day. Yet my mind sometimes/mostly like it so much. Because it is easier to follow through.

Thanks twistedsoul. I cant understand why I just dont remember it.

@mikenai22 I wish I knew how to ease your mind. A way to calm all the thoughts and worries you have. How to loosen the perfectionist mindset. At the risk of being blunt - Until that changes - we're unable to move any direction. But I know how hard it is. I think in some ways we all do it. Are you still seeing that therapist? You don't have to answer of course. Was just wondering if they were offering you any solutions to ease the perfectionism. Ways to loosen it's hold.

Can I ask what brought the change with the lessons? How it went from being something you wanted to do to something you felt you have to do just so you can check the box? Sorry I know I ask too many questions all the time. I'm in the US - I know the rates are different. The going price here is 40 - 60 dollars for an hour.

I know how tempting that window is. I really do. I've had thoughts of my own when it comes to that window. I know how it feels to have lost all hope. Not being able to find any relief from your thoughts and feelings. You're not alone Mike. I know it feels as though you are but there are people here that are still holding that light. Hoping you can find answers and solutions. I know you don't want this everyday. The battles we wage against ourselves are the most exhausting and draining.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

@mytwistedsoul

Its time. To live the life i want. Not others.

All I can think of now is a good clean up and start over.

Other than money, that i have to ugly dig from my brother and mum.

I wish I had the strength and courage to bite and move on this very moment.

I wish I knew how to ease your mind. A way to calm all the thoughts and worries you have. How to loosen the perfectionist mindset. At the risk of being blunt - Until that changes - we're unable to move any direction. But I know how hard it is. I think in some ways we all do it. Are you still seeing that therapist? You don't have to answer of course. Was just wondering if they were offering you any solutions to ease the perfectionism. Ways to loosen it's hold.

It is ok twistedsoul. You dont have to provide my anything. You dont have to have all answers. I think... you being here is already way good or more than what i could have asked. By responding to my topics is even going the extra mile already. Be it having answers or not. Compared to others whom only sways the topic away or dont even bother.

Psychologist? - Yes. But no not really addressing it per se. Only more like the usual mindfulness and breathe to constantly remind self to be present, and the present moment than past/future.

Can I ask what brought the change with the lessons? How it went from being something you wanted to do to something you felt you have to do just so you can check the box? Sorry I know I ask too many questions all the time. I'm in the US - I know the rates are different. The going price here is 40 - 60 dollars for an hour.

No idea. Perhaps exhaustion. Perhaps tiredness. Of "everything" and "anything".

I dont really know to be honest. My mind now processes almost anything as a checkbox only.

Dont worry about the questions. I will answer whenever possible and comfortable.

Wow. that's even more expensive. I guess this skill is a costly pasttime/hobby. Although it does not fit to my theory anymore.

I know how tempting that window is. I really do. I've had thoughts of my own when it comes to that window. I know how it feels to have lost all hope. Not being able to find any relief from your thoughts and feelings. You're not alone Mike. I know it feels as though you are but there are people here that are still holding that light. Hoping you can find answers and solutions. I know you don't want this everyday. The battles we wage against ourselves are the most exhausting and draining.

Not about the temptation, but rather on the solutioning that I can find and process at the moment.

Highlighted and Colored - Thank you. No one had ever once explained in their own position before of the constant processes, struggles and things in my mind.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Again, a reminder is needed.

Guess I pretty much "not" gentle with myself nor my thoughts.

All the harsh demands on myself.