Lost

@mytwistedsoul

Reply to sub post

Thanks. I like doing it but as I said it gives me conflicting thoughts and I'm trying to ignore the bad thoughts about it, but I'm not always successful.

I see what is going on. Its like the mind that is constantly battling and trying to seek rationalising/justification. - something like that?

Great to hear that you are trying, and most importantly is that you are aware.

The animals are pretty awesome. There's a mated pair of red tail hawks that show up. They are so cool.

woa. hawks. do be careful. =.=?

i believe hawks are kinda more on a ferocious side?

Reply to main post

No you're not triggering anything. I'm just..I find things here at the grandparents house and put bluntly... I thought I could trust them, but I guess I shouldn't have. They knew more then they let on about things. I just don't understand. I guess.

Okays.

Its ok. Its almost like me who don't trust or lost faith about parents. - Same story.

Its like we dont understand each other. Yet think we need/have to understand each other for things to be correct. However we must understand that we should give each other a break sometimes. And life is full of experiences, mis-understandings, and mis-perfections.

Care to share the thoughts your fighting?

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/27/144-i-thought-i-kneaded-it-correctly-this-time-fail/

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/2019/04/27/145-tried-re-arranging-desk-again/

Its something weird. I don't know if it is a bad habit that developed over time - since i got this mentality

I often find myself that the need to get everything done "correctly" so that I can be "happy" or "contented" or "in order"

I keep writing down my thoughts like i have to do this, i want to do this, i should be doing this. Yet i find myself at times, lethargic, not wanting to do, procrastinate, waiting for the perfect moment to do it.

to share a few samples (i.e. link above and some below)

- Selling/Giving away Logitech G27

- Volunteer as cook/bake to find self?

- Find a place to be alone

- Play a game?

- Watch cartoon?

- Buy computer, air humidifier, food processor, bluetooth adapter, in-ear replacement, nintendo switch???

- find job that I want/can do?

Its like some of them are "to-dos" but i dont want to do. Some is like "questions" or seeking a "why" or exploration of stuffs that i saw online or youtube i.e. no-bake stuffs, vegan stuffs, food, bread making, etc.

despite having those painful digestion, yet i still do it... i.e. bread.

maybe it was because it was dense. Like a heavy meal.

Yea. perhaps. But if i dont dense it, it is not chewy.

then it feels "wrong" and difficult to cook also if too watery.

plus people said that too watery, too easy to digest, very quickly will get hungry again.

You're right, and I know this is a place to talk with people about things, but sometimes I just can't bring my attitude in here, so I guess it is just isolating. Kind of, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything.

It is ok, its like a open world. Do what feels comfortable for you.

It is not mandatory to be "good" or "bad" or "correct" or "wrong. Plus... it is the internet. Anything goes. - Something i often forget. and usually i tend to let my emotions take over control.

Sorry for the first bad link. Glad I got it right the second time. You're right, in a way it is self care. I do enjoy it, but have been told so many times that its a waste of time. But I kind of can get lost in the wood. Maybe that doesn't make sense.

Its ok. Everyone has their own opinion and thoughts. Each are entitled to their own say. You can receieve them, but not necessary have to accept or agree with them. Only you yourself know what is true, meaningful, care or want for yourself. They dont dictate/answer to your life, lifestyle, happiness, etc.

It's hard to put that time and effort into something and have people criticize your work. I mean it's ok if it's constuctive, but tone says alot.

Yea. It does.

I'll have to try that. I multitask in too many ways with too many things. It just results in nothing getting done or not done properly.

Yup... we often get "lost" or "engrossed" in stuffs that sometimes we may not even want to do.

(i.e. like me wanting to just see "updates" and constantly refresh things like email, reddit, 7cups, etc.)

when i could/should/want to be doing things like, settling unsettled stuffs, or preparing food, etc. or things you truly should/want to do

Yeah some coffee machines are just crazy with prices. I mean good coffee is good, but lets get real here. I shouldn't have to finance something just to have good coffee.

i guess everyone has different expectations on this. i just find it difficult to justify.

but yet i have so many issues and pains with it.

- dont want to spend excessively

- want to drink for happiness

- becoming like obessive, abusive, lost of happiness

- drink for the sake of drinking, like a checkbox task

- cannot drink at certain timing

- have to be quick, easy to prepare, cleanup, cheap, etc.

I think most of the oils need to be heated up. In a simmering pot or something.. or yeah the diffusers. I heard somewhere about people whping a little on light bulbs. But idk, be careful with that.

hmm okays. luckly i only bought a small little bottle to test things out. not gona spend a fortune on it.

plus i feel i am sensitive to smells. especially when i am dealing with the "stupid" smoke at home already.

I hope you have a good weekend and can maybe find sometime to have the house to yourself. It must have been hard to feel at ease being alone and then have someone invade it.

Thanks for the well wishes.

But no more chance already. - at least for a few months. and i dont even know what will happen to me, my life and lifestyle, and work.

Be gentle with yourself, Take care.

Thanks again twisted soul, you too do take care.

@mytwistedsoul

Hey how are you?

Abit unsure... but today well. learnt stupid stuffs again, which i posted in the blog.

Probably the last of "things" i gona bake as snack... - waste of time

Plus it only furiates my throat.

I think I may have my head on straight today.

Ah, ok. Happy to hear that you are better.

This might sound weird... but in a way I think it's just the way the generations are. It's possible that your parents felt the same about their parents. It seems that each generation wants something different. They got married sooner, have kids sooner. But yeah you do need to give each other space.

i understand where you are coming from. generation gap i suppose. But something else was that I noticed that my mentality or mindset perhaps could have changed. Otherwise it would not have led to what it is today/now.

Ok another thing that might sound weird... and don't feel you have to answer it, but do you have OCD? That could be why things have to be a certain way or it's uncomfortable.

Kinda-ish. But not of a extremist kind.

Last time i used to have a very bad habit/behaviour - Checking of power switch if it has been turned off. And i have to recheck again, and double-check. - Luckily i weaned off somehow.

Volunteering to cook or bake - that sounds kind of fun. It could actually lead to a new job path. If it's something you like to do.

I feel that anything related to food, is just gona fuel my disorder habits though.

its like a safety net kind of thing.

which does not feel good actually.

Yeah anything goes, but I try to a least be kind. Not really good or bad, right or wrong, just kind. Because there are things that once it's out, you can't take it back.

It is. That is the sad fact. That's why the recommendation to always think before you "blurt" or say out.

But sometimes because of instincts or accidental emotions that got taken over, an unintentional message can be sent which may result in a distrastrous move. - But like said. its accidental. so yea, it does happen. Sometimes just have to work with it.

I had someone else say something similar to me earlier this weekend. That we are our worst judges. That we have to cultivate understanding of ourselves in order to be better judges of our truth. That once we're confident in our truth anything anyone else says will be measured against it. I don't know..it makes sense but I'm not sure how to do it.

I would say, it does take practise, self-reminders, and will definitely take time. It is something good to learn to improve one-self. This is kind of a important skill and will also help lift/bring up your mentality, strength and confidence.

Because you will learn what your traits, weakness-es and be able to use them to your advantage at different situations.

To be honest there's a 20 dollar coffee maker in the kitchen. Nothing fancy. I just need the coffee. No latte's, nothing steamed. Just plain coffee.

Yea... I can understand.

After this pack, i'm going back to instant freeze-dried grandules.

I'll venture this route in another time. - At least when i am better.

I'm guessing your dad travels? At least every once in a while? I'm also guessing your relationship with him isn't the best?

take care, be gentle with yourself.

No. not really. More like once in a blue moon.

Nah, relation with him has never been great since young.

Thanks twisted soul.

@mytwistedsoul

Cool, you got a haircut? It's not stupid to want to wash afterwards. The itchyness drives me nuts too.

Surprised. How you'd know?

Wash afterwords? - yea, I have this mantra since young. where i have to plan my haircuts in a manner where it has to be the last activity of the day - so that i can go home immediately. for the sake of bathing to wash the bits away.

Still puzzled and about your comment on "washing immediately"

oH? must be the post about me acting on intuition? and not based on rules?

- haha this was the first and probably first time ever in my life experience

- plus, i washed my hair in the toilet - not gona explain how i did - it certainly was not a humane method of washing at public area, in office somemore, also the drying process was... another new thing

Well as we grow our priorities are going to be different from the older generations. We start out kind of thinking the same as them but as we get older our opinions change. I think it's normal. It's how we learn and grow to mold the next generation. They'll probably do the same thing.

I'd always thought, I favour routines, I despise changes, I like things in order, in place, ready when i need to.

What I did not notice was the mind was constantly thinking different things. And sometimes when i break my limits and started to "let go".

- it was only when i noticed that my perception and stuffs started changing

- sometimes the feeling of "letting go" actually indeed felt good

- although it is difficult to "let go"

Perhaps you are right... to be honest, i think i have alot to learn/explore/experience about life that I am not letting myself to.

I dont really know why i like to restrict myself to the "fixed" mentality and/or routines. - something made me felt secure and easier to live with.

I'm glad you got away from the light switch thing.

yea. oh, talking about that, same for water taps.

Didn't think about that. It was just a thought. Is there some place that you could volunteer time, something that might interest you? Maybe working with the elderly? Or at a library, reading to kids? I prefer old people to kids. Old people know really awesome stories from way back. It's always nice to learn from them. Kids just make me nervous.

woot. that many parts, haha, allow me to split them.

1. regarding place, i am not sure where to start. where to search. neither nor about the "something" that interest me. as of now, something is instilled and stuck in my mind. - food. i need to figure out what to prepare for later. when i am done, i will start to worry again about the following next meal.

the attention and focus is so strong on that area that i dont have time nor unable to focus or think clearly on anything else.

there is this constant battle within the mind thinking/justifying/etc.

2. Elderly, Not about the respect portion. without them, there is no today for us. But rather the fear and worry about how to manage and respond to them. When you see them dealing with difficulties, it is very sad to see, and I dont really know how to help them. - Assist them to walk, move, etc. Even talking is difficult. - Sometimes i wished i can just hide behind and help them indirectly. i.e. fix something, make something, etc. kind of contribution, much easier to handle

3. Library? Hmm not sure about the contribution options. oh well, kids somehow used to attach/stick to me for unknown reasons. Last time on trains, kids/young children like to laugh/smile or even grab/tug/hug my pants. Now, they dont - which i am ok too. But something about me changed. I dont like children and started despising them now. Could be due to fear of managing, could be stressed about their noises/cries/nagging/etc.

4. Indeed, nothing beats experiences and understanding and feeling for them. However it does not also mean that we should avoid experiencing the unknown ourselves (Surprised at myself being able to comment on this, yet fearing the unknown...)

Yeah...I don't always think before I blurt out. Sometimes but not always, until afterwards and then I feel bad. I always apologize but if I would have thought first I wouldn't have to say I'm sorry.

Neither do I. Emotions always superceded me.

Its ok about the apologising, because it showed that you've thought through and regretted your actions hence the apology. However "overusing" sorry as a means/blank check may also show some form of "weakness" to others. - Perhaps just like mindfulness to try to learn to notice the mind/action that you might wanna take. One small step at a time.

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship with him isn't so good. I imagine it makes it even harder to feel at ease at home.

its ok. It is.

Major problem i have is the problem of letting go.

I hold grudges very tightly.

I just spent 5 hours running the weedwacker around, trying to keep the weeds from getting too tall. The short everything is the less likely chance of running into things I don't want to.

great work twistedsoul. well, good to hear that you have taken measures and placed efforts to care for yourself.

keep it up~

@mytwistedsoul

You mentioned something about your blog, so I popped into see it. Saw that you said you had a haircut. Alot of times they want to wash your hair before, but I always thought they should offer to wash it afterwards. Because it doesn't matter how well they brush you off, that hair gets everywhere.

Observant. I'm impressed.

Nope, cheap/budget/express places dont offer these services. Only "vaccum" suction and dust off only.

For wash, i presume its salon kinda-ish.

I have routines and schedules too. Theres always alot the needs done around here and it's easier to manage if I keep track. Change makes me nervous. But sometimes certain things change so slowly that you don't even notice it. Routine is safe, you know what to expect, you're prepared for it. Unexpected things catch us off guard, there are no preparations ready and so much can go wrong. Yeah theres alot of security.

I find this very very true. Its like the little things, that we don't notice. But suddenly was changed and we already "used" or "accustomed" to it without knowing. - Actually this is good, because it kinda shows that you are living/adapting to the present.

The only issue is that I don't notice it and kept telling myself things are never changed, never improve.

About "off guard", i find myself in a situation that spikes heart rate and also anxiety driving. A few real occurances and also some nightmares always gives me such issues.

It's words for me..certain words get stuck in my head and repeat over and over again.

Yea, dont really like it man.

hhmmm.. we'll have to give this some thought. What about are there animal rescues there? That you could walk dogs or something?

hmm.. not too sure about it. me kinda favour pets when they are "nice", but no when they keep barking.

Yeah I'm always apologizing. For everything, for nothing.

Maybe slowly start trying/incorporating more thoughts to it? Then see if can ease off. Its like the first part where you talked about habits unknowingly changed over time without knowing it.

It's hard to let go of grudges. The problem with it though is that theres another section of time lost on holding that grudge. Is t something that could be healed or maybe just eased alittle? I mean it's not my business, just wondering.

Yea, that is the problem. The stupid time lost. I think i shared before about something i read.

Holding on to grudge is allowing a "person" to live in your brain/mind rent-free.

I dont really know the "how" to ease or let go of. - I mean as in a truly set it free kind. Not the "hey you, just forget about it" kind of thing.

Thanks take care, Be gentle with yourself

Sure. Will do. Rest well twistedsoul.

@mytwistedsoul

I hate anxiety. That crap just pops up whenever it wants to. You can be having a good day and then there it is. Pounding heart, shaky hands. Can't breath. I really hate anxiety. It usually hits me hardest at night. Nightmares suck too. Pretty much anything that disturbs sleep. Sleep is supposed to be good, recharging, ya know? But often it's not.

Yup, just had a minor rush a few moments ago.

oh my... night time, must be bad. Will be challenging for you to rest.

I hate sleeping. I never really had a good sleep for quite some time already.

Good point... animals at the rescues are usually loud and not trained very well.

=.= oh my.

But that is just me. Too much restriction and choices. We should not be choosy.

I keep trying to not do it so much, and everyone's always saying, you don't need to apologize or stop apologizing. It's hard. Basically I figure if something is screwed up - somehow it was my fault. Which is kind of funny because I just don't hold that kind of power.

Well. Its good that you are aware. Next is to not beat yourself up just because you "failed" to suppress or whatever. But rather to know that it takes time/forever and that being able to catch it and take the necessary action is even better. But remember it is not "mandatory" - Its a life long thing and takes practice.

I'm not sure how you can deal with grudges. Because it seems like when it does start to ease, something happens to reinforce it. The people do something else to either anger you or hurt you in some way.

oh well. its a mindset mentality that is trained to think/behave this way. Just what i mentioned earlier post. Same thoughts can be applied to "training" to not hold grudges.

Sorry to bring up a sore subject, but I was wondering how things are going with work. Have you given any thought on a therapist? Like I said I was just wondering.

Work - Long Term MC. Currently stuck at home, in this "jail"

Therapist - Already arranged with another one. But not able to find this "schema" therapist. My psychologist mentioned that it is not necessary to look for a "schema" therapist. It is just another forum of treatment. Thats all. What is more important is to find a suitable therapist/counsellor/psychologist who has the same frequency with me and can discuss and talk things out. second is to always maintain my thoughts and focus on being present.

Take care - Be gentle with yourself

Yup, will take note. Thanks again twistedsoul

@mytwistedsoul

Today's exercise suck. I wonder is it due to dread, rinse and repeat or what.

And it was very very weak. - Lack of rest?

But something is very weird.

I dont know why, the "after" exercise feeling is great. - some sort of happiness that "YAY" the workout is completed. - Go have your rest/coffee/fun/etc. kind of thing.

I hope it is not due to ED obessive behaviour.

Us talking back and forth isn't triggering your anxiety is it? I know you had said before that the internet was causing you some anxiety.

well, it depends. somehow keyboard is easier for me.

the only problem with computers is how i am using it now. the information that i am reading.

sometimes i "obessively" read and read until it fuels/confuses my mind so much. - which then really triggers worry/fear/anxiety/rumination

I hate sleeping, sleep causes some serious issues here. It was ok for a little bit but then it spiked again. So we prowl the house and pace, go for walks, which is stupid in the dark, it tires the dogs out, haha.

Poor doggie...

But I read about stuffs that lack of sleep is bad for health also.

I think we should be a little choosy, because if not then we're just settling. If we settle then why want for more or better? What about a bookstore? I always thought working in a bookstore would be fun, one with older books. Idk, there's just something about books.

there is nothing wrong with being "choosy" - it is just me at my current state now, which is very unstable. and having issues with decision making. Just sharing, i am even having issues making decisions as simple as food.

we always want more and more and more. we must have this to be good/great/etc. follow the latest trend what not. - anyways it is good to have a "goal" or "aim" to help oneself to strive towards. just that my state now is probably not recommended

Books - always thought i am a person who is "technically" inclined, good with studies and what not. after time, ever since graduate. I slowly learnt about myself, during work. that "studying", "reading", "books". - dont seem to bode me very well.

With the grudges...do you ever speak your mind about what is making you angry or upset? Or do you just let whatever go and hold it inside? The therapist says not to hold on to all the anger. I mean don't freak out on people but if someone makes you angry you're allowed to say your angry. If not it just festers and keeps piling up. Although that's a scary thing too..telling people you're angry or upset. Because then I have a hard time explaining why.

When my limit breaks. I do speak/blurt out. But usually i do it behind the person's back. Only when the person really truly hurt'ed me, i will blurt in front of them. - this is where my emotions take over.

I used (before Q3/4 2017) to be a super sponge soaker - Everything is kept in my mind/heart. I never spoke loudly, clearly of my true thoughts to anyone directly. Always indirectly or hiding.

Yourself and Therapist is not wrong to say that. It is not healthy to keep filling a bottle that is overflowing.

Oh damn...I'm sorry you're stuck at home. I know it can feel like a jail. But you are free to go for a walk or something right? Go for a walk, take pictures of cool things or interesting things. That's how I got started with taking pictures of things here and the wood work, someone here suggested it. It's kind of fun. Give's other people a peek into my world.

1. it is a trap that i instill to myself. call it stubborn or whatever

2. yes i have my own freewill. but (there is always a but)

- my energy level sucks, after morning hours, when my father comes home

- i have to prepare food...

- i dont know where to go

- i always thought i should spend my time in front of the computer most of the time... - yet now i am not spending it well

- guess it is all execues

3. pictures, well my managers suggested to me before. - it was kinda pushy, such that until a very nice colleague of mine lent me his "professional" gear. - well. I can only say i learnt abit of stuff.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/149815125@N05/albums/with/72157679323242995

well, i think it is up to individuals on how they like to "share" their moments with. Some like for self-records, self-memories, while some like to share for knowledge, other reasons, etc.

It's hard finding a therapist that you can be open with. The guy I have now is pretty good, I still have trouble with trust with him but that's with anyone. It just takes time to learn to trust that he's safe. Guess that sounds sad.

I believe it has to be both ways. If it is one way, i think it is pointless? - Like what i am facing now.

But also perhaps could be me, being resistant. so yea.

And yes, trust takes time to develop. - Its like raising a kid?

Staying present is hard too. I hope this therapist helps for you.

This therapist i been seeing way back, just that i stopped for about 5 months.

Now i am thinking if i should continue or go for the new one.

Although of all seriousness i dont really want to spend my money this way.

I was even cocnsidering if i should... go for 7cups' therapist.

Lol! Do you realize we done 3 pages now? I hope this doesn't sound weird but you're my distraction for the moment. Talking with you takes my thoughts and focus off other issues of mine. Thank you!

Now that you mention.

Is it good or bad.

Well, i just feel like its good to have someone to sound off to. - Although I truly hope that it is not one sided benefit.

Haha, no problem at all, i'm glad it benefited you in a way you are ok with.

For me, i take it more like a accountability, where i have to "report" in daily. - This mentality has to change. otherwise it will only detoriate. into another disorder habit.

Take care twistedsoul, as always thanks for the constant reminders to be gentle.

@mytwistedsoul

Sorry to hear that your exercise sucked. It's possible it's from not resting properly. I know I have days when I just feel so tired, drained and I think - I just can't do it, but I do anyway. Has that pain gone away or gotten better? I've been trying to learn more on ED's just to gain a better understanding on what you're going through. I hope you don't mind.

Nah it is ok. Cant blame anyone but myself.

Yup the days, or in fact the "drained" feeling is always on.

It just seem like i am denying it. Or felt obligated that i need to meet requirements. So just do it for the "sake of it"

Thanks for checking back, yes, unknowingly the pain subsidied. Left the irrirating sore throat that comes and goes.

Wow, that is very open minded of you and nice to hear that you are willing to learn to better understand others. Kudos~

Well if you ever need to take a break, feel free. I know I do it to you all the time.

One part of me, wants to break this "habit" of constant checking.

One part of me, wants to maintain the chat to have some form of acquaintance/company.

One part of me, wants to tell myself that "this" cannot go on forever. Everyone has their right to their life, people move on.

One part of me, wants to stay in my delusional world.

One part of me, wants to not hurt/disrupt/disturb others time

Oh yeah, lack of sleep it really bad for your health. It actually makes anxiety worse. They say you should get 7-9 hours of sleep a night. There is no way I can do that. I did get some last night which is probably why I feel a little calmer right now.

well that is what research says. but it is to different individual needs.

some needs more some needs less.

problem with mine is i cant have a good full block of sleep.

rest on bed yes, but not very comfortable.

i dont feel that those medications are useful. it just numbs me only.

Sorry I don't mean to keep throwing idea's out at you. Hopefully this new therapist you're supposed to see will help you calm your thoughts when it comes to making decisions.

No idea, waiting for the appointment. Not so soon.

I did the same thing, well, I still do. It's funny really, people hurt me but I'm afraid to talk back because I'm worried about hurting them. So we're working on that. But it's hard.

Take your time, Take your time twistedsoul.

Well home sort of is a safe place, except well with family being there, making you uncomfortable. Wow thanks for sharing those pictures. It's looks like a very busy place with all the tall buildings. A little intimidating for a woodsy person like me. I love the plants though, truely amazing.

It is. "unfortunately" - Although unfortunate is a very imcompatible description here.

Its some park area that another colleague brought me to. Well i guess its a different environment atmosphere from what you been used to. Same for me of the feelings of work/home.

Sounds like some of it is resistance, because you feel they really aren't listening to you or they weren't before. It's hard to be open minded about it because we've all ready formed our own opinions about things.

it is. I am to be honest here.

and something somehow is making me not wanting to break free from it. and try to be slightly flexible around things.

I thought about it, the 7cups therapist, but to be honest I'm not sure I trust it. I need face to face and mine is a sort of specialist with what I'm dealing with. But it might be something to think about for you, give it a try type thing and see what happens.

definitely there will be a difference. who knows what the other person on the other side could be doing while "assisting" you. just that having another option is better than none i thought, though i am very reluctant on going for it. its like I'm exhausted from trying to "recover"

it is just the $ portion that i am always irritated about.

I think it's a good thing. KInd of takes us out of our thoughts and brings us into the present. Like a sounding board. Get somethings off our chest. But don't ever feel that you have to reply right away or at all. I mean it's nice talking with you every day but if you need or want a break, I understand. Don't feed another bad habit.

I've shared my thoughts on the above, and i am kinda confused and reluctant about it.

Its like i duno what is for the best.

Have a good day/evening Mike, take care, try to be gentle.

Sure, thank you again.

I'm gona lie down soon.

I hope the hunger subsides.

@mikenai22

I'm glad the pain subsided. Thanks, I try to be very open minded, I'm better with it with others, just not very open minded about myself.

yea. just that i cant seem to understand about the exercise weaken-ing

I see, how about trying to give yourself a chance whenever there is an opporunity to?

I'm not sure what to tell you. While nothing is forever, we can always talk here. There really isn't a date anywhere that says we only have so long. And it's no disruption to my time.

its ok twistedsoul. something just fears me like there is a point of time where everything comes to a standstill. like nothing to "talk" anymore. or if worse, we might just be "looping" our discussion till it becomes too monotone.

i don't know perhaps could be my disordered thoughts talking rubbish...

Same here. I never get more than a few hours and thats occasionally. I try to rest but often get too restless for it to do any good.

you've almost just described my day. just need to change the "hours" to "mins" and replace the sleep to conciousness/focus.

i wonder how i will be continuing my life from here now on.

Well whenever it happens...I hope it goes good for you.

thanks twistedsoul.

i will be sure to archive this thread somehow. it kinda gave some meaning, some motivation to stay here in 7cups.

It looked really nice. It looked like they had signs telling what kind of flowers and trees they were.

its kinda man-made park so yea.

I had the same thought. I mean who's to say that they're even really therapists. Yeah you can check them out but that really doesn't mean anything.. And money is always a factor for things. Because you don't want to waste it or throw it away.

the perfectionist mindset of mine is waiting for the perfect moment to try.

which i truly dont know when is it.

I hope you had a nice lie down. Even if you didn't sleep or anything. Just rest.

Take care, be gentle

oh well it was difficult. there were noises from the park downstairs, and my father is ramping again.

yes i will try. although it is the duno how many attempt already.

rest well twistedsoul. wish you have a good day ahead.

@mikenai22

Woke up "tired", but yet "motivated" to complete the morning run/chinup.

Yet, the exercise workout sucks.

Something really is wrong.

Idk. I kind of think we'll find things to talk about, at least for a few months anyway. There may be times when it's just small talk or something, but that's ok too I think. We're being social. If not then we're just stuck in our own heads with our own twisted thoughts.

Now that you mentioned it. I did not realised that it has been few months.

Only thing in my mind is that "every 10pm-4am" I kinda hope to see twistedsouls' reply, and would anticipate to reply something. Or hope to listen/learn something.

And in addition that i did not noticed where it is actually "small" talk. I only kept the boundaries within myself.

Sharing my pains again and again.

To be honest, I dont really know how to be social. - Kinda explained previously.

But then yea, kinda true, if not for this. I think i would not even "revisit" 7cups daily. and also yea, more dwelling in own thoughts only.

Yeah this sleeping thing is just crazy. I saw something about people sleeping so well because they have peace. If that's the case I'll never sleep good. Unless I can find someway to calm my mind. Maybe in time it will get better with the therapy...for both of us.

I think such things cannot be "fixed" overnight. Could be also some form of training to train your "muscle memory" to learn a new habit. Its like starting from young? A sleep cycle kind of thing.

I'm not very sure about the therapy stuffs. - I dont want to put my bet on it. In my honest thoughts, only reason why I "returned" to therapy was due to Job Orders. Otherwise I wouldn't want to splurge.

I guess they give you a few days trial. I'm not sure who it works. I think it should be a little longer though. I mean it takes more than 3 days to see if something is going to work.

yea... that sucks. probably it is just to allow the participant to feel if there is any usefulness and also if he/she can commit to it. before truly spending.

Can you listen to music while you try to rest? Something just quietly going in the back ground that would help block out the other noises? Close your eyes and picture the ocean or the mountains, something soothing.

I tried before 2-3 things

1. (android) calm - Includes music and nature sounds

2. (android) insight timer - Includes multiple stuffs, meditation, music, chants, mantras, talks, etc.

3. YouTube - Kinda a bad idea...

4. SoundCloud - Podcast

5. (android) woebot - Just learnt it recently from online, a friendly bot who you can chat with

6. Checking Email/7Cups/Reddit/Quora/Pinterest - Totally bad idea. But already used to it.

The problem with these is that I dont really have a preset set. So i have to "explore" during the woken hours just to find something.

And the music, sometimes just catch my attention way more than I expected. Until i started enjoying the tune and not being able to sleep. (hahaha)

Thanks Take care

Yup, you too. Hope you have a good day today.

@mytwistedsoul

There's nothing wrong with you sharing your pains and sharing whats bothering you. That's the whole point. I'm not too good with being social either. But just us talking back and forth is being social. But that's just my thoughts on it.

I can understand that "nothing wrong" part. Just that you know, not everyone likes to hear other people's nagging. Worse off if it is just like cassesste tape constant repeating of the same issues and not helping self.

But surprisingly, both of us not being socially active, yet still able to maintain this thread.

With the therapy, you need to keep an open mind to it, but that's hard because of past experiences. If it went poorly before, well that's still in your mind so you're kind of all ready thinking it's not going to work.

I am aware of the open mindness and sometimes the need to accept one's help to help ownself.

Anyways like explained, I am a person who lives in the dark, fears of past experiences, and hold grudges very strongly. I am someone who lets emotions control/overwhelm me.

So yea, I know it has to be overcomed' somehow, if not yea, it is not going to work.

I kind of think of it as it being long enough to rope you in, make you think it's going to be helpful but once you commit, idk. I'm kind of thinking along the same lines about some of the listeners on here. They make contact, chat you up a bit (long enough to get a review from you) and then they disappear. I won't let it happen again. Don't come to someone and offer them help or a listening ear and then just disappear. Fool me once shame on you type thing.

now that you mention it. it i realised how some of my past chats went with the listeners.

but then what i just kinda dislike about is the misuse of the term "listeners", its like just because the role is to listen, does not mean you just stand at your corner and literalily purely listen only. Most of the times, the person seeking help, truly hopes that the listener listens and perhaps shed some thoughts about it. Yes the person may overthink that the listener is there to fix problems, but no, it is not supposed to. However it is much more better if the listener at least lend a supporting role to understand things better. Not just "yea", "i see", "go on", "oh", "<radio silence>". Hence the "domain" or area of topic of discussion sometimes is abit rather important as a listener.

Can you put presets in so you don't have to scan through to find something? Or make up a play list? I've got a couple of those. Some for good days- some for bad days. I just have to bring it up. Yeah I end up enjoying the music too and then don't sleep either. Trying to figure out things is tiring. It seems that as soon as you think you have things worked out, something changes and then it doesn't work anymore.

perhaps i should build something out.

unfortunately spotify on mobile is not "free" - otherwise i could put some tracks there

youtube is very irritating - as it cannot run on background

haha, you know sometimes it is just the body saying that it had enough rest so you can't sleep after waking up.

if a body is truly tired, the tell tale signs of tired is very visibily felt.

yea, i kinda hate the figuring out thing. it just never lines up well everytime. But like what most motivational/inspiration people said - "Life is an experience, and a long going journey", "Life is a never ending trail of experience for one to explore and discover, not just to live through it."

Take care, be gentle with yourself

Thanks twistedsoul. You too take care.

Had this numbing lowblood headache suddenly just now - I hope it subside soon