Lost

@mikenai22 The only thing I can think of is that everything's still sore from all the coughing. It's probably going to take a little for those strained muscles to heal.

Yeah I didn't think about that, sorry. With the habits, which I should have gave that a thought because we all have those habits, they're just different from person to person. We all have our "ways" of doing things. And it doesn't feel right if we don't follow those. I saw about the cocoa and then the matcha and thought, maybe it's the cocoa so , but I understand.

To freeze them would definitely be better if you want longer storage. They're supposed to last up to 12 months that way. But like I said they have to be cooked before they're froze. If you could try to keep them the same size or get however many you may need, cook them up and then do them up in portion size as your getting them ready to freeze. A little obsessive probably but that's the only way I can think of.

If it's helping bring it out then it sounds like you've been fighting a sickness. Which might help explain the sore throat too. So it's good it's helping to break everything up, so you can get it out.

Even the toughest of warriors get injured and need to heal and take it a little easier from time to time. It's nothing to be ashamed about. (I need to follow my own advice) But it's hard to accept when our bodies and thoughts don't work to our expectations, makes us angry and frustrated so we push harder. Unfortunately we just end up doing ourselves more harm and end up getting set back. Maybe try to stick with the more gentle moves for a day or two. Just to allow yourself a little more time to heal.

Take care of yourself, be gentle.

@mytwistedsoul

The only thing I can think of is that everything's still sore from all the coughing. It's probably going to take a little for those strained muscles to heal.

I guess so.

I could stop the cough syrup. But i'm just trying to be on the safe side to clear the phlegm as much as possible.

Yeah I didn't think about that, sorry. With the habits, which I should have gave that a thought because we all have those habits, they're just different from person to person. We all have our "ways" of doing things. And it doesn't feel right if we don't follow those. I saw about the cocoa and then the matcha and thought, maybe it's the cocoa so , but I understand.

Its ok. No one's perfect. Though I find it often hard to accept.

I always thought, what works for one. Works for another. 1 + 1 = must be 2

But then it rather distracts and/or disturbs me if i really dont follow the "ideals"

Haha, well. Thanks for your understanding.

Take for example today's breakfast... so weird. It took me an hour plus to complete.

To freeze them would definitely be better if you want longer storage. They're supposed to last up to 12 months that way. But like I said they have to be cooked before they're froze. If you could try to keep them the same size or get however many you may need, cook them up and then do them up in portion size as your getting them ready to freeze. A little obsessive probably but that's the only way I can think of.

Wow...

But why not the inverted way? Freeze then cook? will there be a difference? or does it spoil faster?

I dont wanna cook it twice.

I kinda hate this portion size/serving size kind of stuffs. Very ED inducing thing. Although I should be learning to control my thoughts and emotions when dealing with such matters.

But why i started to hate them is because of the fact that it is hard to decide how much I truly want or how much can i actually tolerate.

Its so weird, its like one day, i can eat some , while other days I can eat way more, but i only prepared limited amount... Then becoming stucked.

If it's helping bring it out then it sounds like you've been fighting a sickness. Which might help explain the sore throat too. So it's good it's helping to break everything up, so you can get it out.

Actually the sore throat has been something that i been battling for years. - Since i started working at least.

Along with the food coma - that no doctors would help me address.

Even the toughest of warriors get injured and need to heal and take it a little easier from time to time. It's nothing to be ashamed about. (I need to follow my own advice) But it's hard to accept when our bodies and thoughts don't work to our expectations, makes us angry and frustrated so we push harder. Unfortunately we just end up doing ourselves more harm and end up getting set back. Maybe try to stick with the more gentle moves for a day or two. Just to allow yourself a little more time to heal.

I can understand that part. But it does feel bad, when it happens.

The dissapointment along with the other mental issues just dampens the pain further.

And worse off yup, the lack of acceptance for the need of a "stop" rest becomes obessive pushing of oneself. End up becoming more severly "damaged" than it originally was.

Yea been actually about 2-3 days already.

Today was kinda slightly better than the past few days.

I see how tomorrow morning.

Take care of yourself, be gentle.

I will. You too take care twisted soul.

@mikenai22 They tell you to finish your meds, so if it's helping, finish it.

It's better to cook them first so they don't get starchy or lose their flavor. The only thing you would have to really do is thaw it. Heat it up too of course if you don't want to eat it cold. It must be hard with the portions and not knowing how much you can or can't eat. And then with it changing from day to day, or meal to meal.

Oh wow, is there maybe something that irratates it where you work? Dust or something?

How were your exercises?

Sorry this is sort of short. Not quite with it today, even with seeing the therapist this morning. just a goofy head today.

Thanks Mike. If I'm not on til later, try to remember to be gentle with yourself. Take care, try to have a good weekend.

@mytwistedsoul

They tell you to finish your meds, so if it's helping, finish it.

Nope. Never gave that instructions.

Not antibiotics.

As of past 2 days, consuming it does not "cough" out any phlegm though.

But the sore throat is seriously pestering me.

I realised no combination of any meds or lozenges helps.

It's better to cook them first so they don't get starchy or lose their flavor. The only thing you would have to really do is thaw it. Heat it up too of course if you don't want to eat it cold. It must be hard with the portions and not knowing how much you can or can't eat. And then with it changing from day to day, or meal to meal.

I see...

Actually i am very lost... read here and there, listening and taking advices from every where.

So... is the "starch" good or bad for digestion?

Some said good for digestion bacteria, some say bad because body cannot digest.

It is seriously confusing for the mind.

Hiaz.

Some even dont recommend to reheat.

Yes... i seriously hate portioning... when i cannot tell how much i can down it.

What's worse is that after finishing, sometimes... i hate to "make" more. Cause need to run through the whole process again.. like waste of electricity/energy.

plus people or recommendations kept saying to change your meals so that you get all the nutrients. which makes portioning even more difficult.

even more, i have to buy so many different stuffs... which is like even way worse. now i got so many different perishables

Oh wow, is there maybe something that irratates it where you work? Dust or something?

well, the office is definitely very old building.

most of the colleagues already complained about the poor air quality for long already.

no air purifier or what sort of cleansing helps.

if at home - ciggarettes, insense, etc.

How were your exercises?

Well, today's run is abit awkward.

Push-Ups have not been very strong, but i am trying to keep up with my regulars if possible.

Though i can still feel some sores.

Chin-Ups, have been deteriorating very bad. I duno if it is because i am "training" not enough. Getting lazy. or I am actually losing arm strength.

Run, well this is very weird. The mind wants to run for the "energy" surge, the body is "refusing" and kept feeling numb, perhaps due to the meds, the heart is trying to "calm" and please both the mind and body.

I am totally so zzz.

I truly hope to have a good break from all these mental thoughts.

Give myself a good break from everything.

Sorry this is sort of short. Not quite with it today, even with seeing the therapist this morning. just a goofy head today.

Dont worry twistedsoul. It is already good if not better that you even took time to respond.

If you are not feeling well, feel free to skip or take a break for a few days.

Its ok. Don't force yourself. Sometimes the head just dont process well.

Like me trying to concentrate also, but the head is not giving myself any peace.

Thanks Mike. If I'm not on til later, try to remember to be gentle with yourself. Take care, try to have a good weekend.

Okays. Take care too twistedsoul.

Maybe who knows, perhaps we could even consider to "stop" the thread.

And look forward towards a better future for each of ourselves.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

I've got to stop making assumptions. I figured if it was doing such a good job there must be antibiotics in it. Sorry it stopped working for you.

I'm not entirely sure. I've seen the same things. Good, bad, I don't think anyone really knows. They say low fat but high calories. Supposed to be high in fiber, which is supposed to be good. So I have no idea.

I think alot of things are just guess work, because what works for one, might not for another. I'm sorry I don't have some better advice for you. I know it would be a pain to have to make more, especially if you'd just want a little bit.

It really sounds like enviromental allergies. With the old building, if your co-workers are saying the same about the air and then to go home and have to deal with cigarette smoke. Your lungs aren't getting any chance to have clean air.

Sorry your exercises have been so up and down. I know how frustrating it must be for you. I think we all have moments like that. Maybe not with exercises but just with life in general. I get good idea's for things but then my hands can't get it right or my heart just isn't into it.

I get tired of my head, the thoughts, the turmoil. Yeah it doesn't want to process well sometimes..it pisses me off. To be honest, there are times when I think that the best future is one without me in it. I know that sounds bad and dramatic. Just saying.

Stopping the thread here is entirely up to you. Maybe I'm not helping, but instead making it worse for you. Only you know that.

I hope thing were better for you over the weekend.

Be gentle with yourself, take care

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Hi twistedsoul. I thought I should start with a nicer proper greeting.

But then the past few days has not been good.

Morning workouts are awkward and weird.

Run - Suddenly the stomach cramp/sting came back suddenly, end up being a slow jog while bearing the pain

Chin-Up - Definitely degraded. Getting Poorer reps and counts. Sad. - Anyways, i never been able to do chin-ups since young.

Yoga - Similarly, i noticed weird trends. Unable to do this pose, later that, then i had to change routines and stuffs. Or changed to twice a day AM/PM but with the "easier" flows kind.

But something I learnt about yoga was that when I did those slower "flows" type of yoga. I was able to concentrate better, and kind of be in tune with the postures. Although not very satisfying, but still was done.

I've got to stop making assumptions. I figured if it was doing such a good job there must be antibiotics in it. Sorry it stopped working for you.

Haha its ok, sometimes we accidentally overlook. - Which i definitely did in my past. And resulted in alot of disordered thinking patterns. - Although the resulting result which is now version of me. that is not something great either.

Nah its ok. You know sometimes medication is almost placebo

I'm not entirely sure. I've seen the same things. Good, bad, I don't think anyone really knows. They say low fat but high calories. Supposed to be high in fiber, which is supposed to be good. So I have no idea.

Yea, I hate this. Unfortuntealy in our current world, where social media, marketing, media, food industries, professionals spreading kind of messages. Not very nice, but most importantly is to listen to self.

But as you know - listening to myself is not working at the moment... so yea it is very confusing.

I think alot of things are just guess work, because what works for one, might not for another. I'm sorry I don't have some better advice for you. I know it would be a pain to have to make more, especially if you'd just want a little bit.

It is guess work, attempts, trials, and experiences.

However if someone at my stage whom fears changes, experiences, trying, breaking habits, it is very difficult to move on or even find out what is wrong.

I noticed that the only time when I truly listen to others - is when i am at desperate ends.

It really sounds like enviromental allergies. With the old building, if your co-workers are saying the same about the air and then to go home and have to deal with cigarette smoke. Your lungs aren't getting any chance to have clean air.

I am so stubborn, lethargic to stay outside, go to library, hide at the park, etc.

I dont really know... what I can do, other than slap myself to wake up.

Sorry your exercises have been so up and down. I know how frustrating it must be for you. I think we all have moments like that. Maybe not with exercises but just with life in general. I get good idea's for things but then my hands can't get it right or my heart just isn't into it.

It definitely is frustrating and demoralising.

I seldom think of "comparing", but rather I think more of managing my expectations.

I presume/assume - Note the Bad keyword. that I must be able to deliever everyday, rain or shine. to be able to workout every morning 5am. Otherwise I am what? not sucessful?

I get tired of my head, the thoughts, the turmoil. Yeah it doesn't want to process well sometimes..it pisses me off. To be honest, there are times when I think that the best future is one without me in it. I know that sounds bad and dramatic. Just saying.

Rumination thoughts.

Forever in a constant loop.

Stopping the thread here is entirely up to you. Maybe I'm not helping, but instead making it worse for you. Only you know that.

Okays. Will keep in mind.

Not really about the "helping" or not, I am truly appreciative of your responses. Having someone to communicate with. - Compared to none.

But something is feeling abit off. or like. telling me something is not right.

Or perhaps I am just ruminating too much.

I hope thing were better for you over the weekend.

Be gentle with yourself, take care

Oh... well. Its ok - its over, although yea, as explained, stuff happened. But thank you.

You too take care.

@mikenai22 Hey, Hi

Sorry the past few days have been hard for you. I know you must be frustrated. Not to make you over - think it, but do you think some of it is from kind of being sick last week? With the coughing and sore muscles?

That actually sounds kind of nice. With the slower flow yoga, better concentration. Is it less satisfying because it's a slower pace and you're not pushing yourself?

I've heard that. Sugar pills. BUt sometimes it works because you "think" you're taking the real thing. Although it kind of makes me angry that doctors would do something like that for fake drugs, but charge real prices for it.

You have very high expectations for yourself. Which is admirable, at the same time though it makes it harder for you to take it easy on yourself.

No problem, I know some days I'm not very good with the communication, sorry for that. Any idea's as to what might be making things feel off?

Maybe the week will go better than your weekend. Have things gotten any better at work with your boss and co workers? I know you had taken a break, wasn't sure if it was over now or not.

Thanks, ne gentle with yourself, take care

@mytwistedsoul

Hey, Hi

Sorry the past few days have been hard for you. I know you must be frustrated. Not to make you over - think it, but do you think some of it is from kind of being sick last week? With the coughing and sore muscles?

It was hard. And yes, it could have relation - i.e. not recovered yet.

Today is probably one of the "worst" day in my life. Something drastic is on its way.

That actually sounds kind of nice. With the slower flow yoga, better concentration. Is it less satisfying because it's a slower pace and you're not pushing yourself?

Yea, the slower paced although "felt" more connected. But yea, the satisfication is way poorer cause it does not feel like a proper workout in the end.

I dont understand why is there is a need to "register" or "clock in" my timings for exercises daily.

I've heard that. Sugar pills. BUt sometimes it works because you "think" you're taking the real thing. Although it kind of makes me angry that doctors would do something like that for fake drugs, but charge real prices for it.

Maybe somethings dont truly have a cure.

i.e. cough

You have very high expectations for yourself. Which is admirable, at the same time though it makes it harder for you to take it easy on yourself.

i see. quite true.

No problem, I know some days I'm not very good with the communication, sorry for that. Any idea's as to what might be making things feel off?

Discomfort. Fear. Doing things wrongly. Disgrace.

I believe those should be the reasons.

Maybe the week will go better than your weekend. Have things gotten any better at work with your boss and co workers? I know you had taken a break, wasn't sure if it was over now or not.

Thanks, ne gentle with yourself, take care

Sorry, I doubt it will be better. - Yes the break was already over quite few weeks back.

I got bad news. Although it is assumption based news. But the company's doctor message was very clear and indicative.

I understand you are having your struggles too - From another thread. I'm sorry, i'm too weak and afarid to discuss with you about it.

@mikenai22 Yesterday was pretty bad for me too. Misunderstandings, just not comprehending some of the things people say. Just makes me realize why I try to keep to myself.

Something drastic? I hope nothing too drastic.

Something to do with the company doctor? Sorry none of my business.

Hey no worries. Doesn't make you weak for not wanting to discuss my problems or struggles. I should just keep this stuff to myself. But I understand if you'd rather not talk with me anymore. I seem to be doing a really good job of alienating people.

Just remember to be gentle with yourself, take care Mike.

@mytwistedsoul

Yesterday was pretty bad for me too. Misunderstandings, just not comprehending some of the things people say. Just makes me realize why I try to keep to myself.

Sorry to hear that. I hope that you are feeling at least abit better than yesterday now.

misunderstandings is unavoidable at times. can be accidental, can be... well. but then most importantly, don't put it to heart. i'm struggling with putting to heart, which dampens my thoughts and affects lifestyle

it is ok to keep things to self. but not everything can be managed by one person. hence there are occasion where you have to be strong and face the person to interact

something drastic? I hope nothing too drastic.

Something to do with the company doctor? Sorry none of my business.

it will in a way affect my lifestyle. if it truly happens. - I got the impression from the doctors tone, yes company doctor. no point hiding the fact.

don't worry, it is not intrusive. it's just demoalising and I can't bear to part this way

Hey no worries. Doesn't make you weak for not wanting to discuss my problems or struggles. I should just keep this stuff to myself. But I understand if you'd rather not talk with me anymore. I seem to be doing a really good job of alienating people.

i don't want to send the wrong impression

but I'm thinking if it is better that way

but then I hope to have a place where I can talk

Just remember to be gentle with yourself, take care Mike.

Thank you twistedsoul

@mikenai22 Just wanted to say that I'm sorry, sorry that I couldn't be of more help to you. Sorry I couldn't have just kept my mouth shut about my problems. I should have never written that post. I'm sorry if it seems I have a tone and an attitude. I guess I do. Guess I'm just over sensitive at the moment. It doesn't matter.

I enjoyed talking with you, I hope you can find peace within yourself, to live a long and happy life. I wish you the best in all you do. I know that maybe things seem uncertain for you at the moment, but I've been told it all works out in the end.

Take care of yourself, try to remember to be gentle with yourself, because you're worth it, even if you have doubts. You really are worth it.

@mytwistedsoul

hiaz, like i guessed. you have misinterrpreted my words... haha.

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry, sorry that I couldn't be of more help to you.

No, please dont be sorry.

I never truly mentioned that "it was not of any or no more help" at all.

What I am trying to share is whether if i should stop or not. Because I felt like I kept burdening myself to chat with someone. To have a "comfort" place where i can share my problems, and have someone to listen and reply to me.

Instead of a journal, blog, etc. that is 1 sided, and the most only have "liked" counts.

It is almost like the need/hunger to have this dependency and inability to be independent.

Slowly, slowly it becomes a mental "burden" because i struggle between what is right, what is wrong.

I hope you can comprehen and understand better what I am trying to explain.

Sorry I couldn't have just kept my mouth shut about my problems. I should have never written that post. I'm sorry if it seems I have a tone and an attitude. I guess I do. Guess I'm just over sensitive at the moment. It doesn't matter.

Actually. May I share something?

You've actually opened me up. Just like how the psychologist therapy session tried to understand me better.

(Which to be honest is good)

Try imaginating that if i were to keep everything to myself.

Or even worse, stucked in my "safe" and never opened and talked or "let go of"

Hence. Please, dont be sorry. Rather be glad that you actually helped me.

There is no amount of "thank you" no proper set of words or actions that can be thankful and grateful for it.

I enjoyed talking with you, I hope you can find peace within yourself, to live a long and happy life. I wish you the best in all you do. I know that maybe things seem uncertain for you at the moment, but I've been told it all works out in the end.

I too enjoyed chatting~

Its like everyday I am refreshing just to wait for a notification update on this thread.

Regards to peace, I duno when i certainly will. Just only "hope" for one day.

Thank you so much.

Take care of yourself, try to remember to be gentle with yourself, because you're worth it, even if you have doubts. You really are worth it.

Thank you so much for all the reminders, the well wishes, the advices, the sharing, that you have given me.

I truly appreciate them.

I do certainly like to wish you the same, to be in good spirits, health and happiness.

And most importantly to take care of yourself.

-----------------

Lastly, I do not certainly want to stop the thread.

Its just it is a question that has been ringing in my head, whether if i am trying to shoulder this as a "burden" or is this actually a good thing for me/everyone in the community. Because it is something that i am "actively" looking forward to everyday. - To get a reply, and at least be able to chat with.

@mikenai22 Hiaz - what does that mean?

I do apologize for being so raw earlier. I'm not sure which post of mine you saw, probably the struggling one. The whole being afraid to ask for help. I got mixed signals from someone about it. The whole you're worth it, but at the same time, they said about not talking about things. Then there was the way things were phrased, my comprehensin wasn't good yesterday.

I understand what you mean about dependency and I know you said about being anxious about going online sometimes.

Sorry, but I think if you were to keep it all in you would explode.

I'm glad that you've openned up more. That makes me feel good, that you think i've helped you a little. Thank you. I don't need any thanks or proper words or gratitude. I really do think that you're a good person and you do deserve to be happy.

I'm sorry if I was such a headcase earlier. I try to check where I'm at with that before I come in but like I said I got those mixed signals and I guess it got stuck.

Thank you Mike, means alot.

Be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

Hiaz - what does that mean?

opps. pardon me on using Singaporean Slang.

It is just a slang for "sigh" or in proper english "heave"

More rubbishes here. - Kinda disgracing my country - heck care - i got enough sufferings from there already

https://thesmartlocal.com/read/singapore-slang-2

I do apologize for being so raw earlier. I'm not sure which post of mine you saw, probably the struggling one. The whole being afraid to ask for help. I got mixed signals from someone about it. The whole you're worth it, but at the same time, they said about not talking about things. Then there was the way things were phrased, my comprehensin wasn't good yesterday.

raw. - i was so afraid of stepping over too much. which was part of my fear of committing friends, online gaming, etc.

I saw something very sad, did not go back and check. I just kept quiet and read through.

And glad to see that you can compose your thoughts about yesterday better. - take care.

I understand what you mean about dependency and I know you said about being anxious about going online sometimes.

Thank you. Its not easy to always be able to comprehen everyone's thoughts and behaviour at times.

Worse off is that when "over-assumption" is used. - That only results in making things worse

Sorry, but I think if you were to keep it all in you would explode.

Result -> The mike now (Serious)

I'm glad that you've openned up more. That makes me feel good, that you think i've helped you a little. Thank you. I don't need any thanks or proper words or gratitude.

ok.

I really do think that you're a good person and you do deserve to be happy.

Alot kept telling me and numerouly reminded me about it.

But somehow, i always felt the inverse. Perhaps its the habitual negativity thinking of mine.

I'm sorry if I was such a headcase earlier. I try to check where I'm at with that before I come in but like I said I got those mixed signals and I guess it got stuck.

Thank you Mike, means alot.

Be gentle with yourself.

Wow... Seriously, I was very scared when i saw the reply.

Instead of using the poor editor app on mobile, I kinda powered on the computer to reply better. - please dont feel responsible for it. Its my choice to use the computer at wee hours.

Thank you for the reminder. You too take care. twistedsoul.

@mikenai22

Thanks, it's cool learning things like that. Thanks for sharing.

I'd like to get that thread removed. Just because. I have a problem with looking weak. You aren't overstepping any boundries. You can ask questions too. I know I ask you alot of them sometimes.

I think we all feel that way. Well if you read that thread, thats, well, real for me. I don't think I'm a good person. I guess mainly because we have such low thoughts of ourselves and our problems, so we figure that everyone feels the same way towards us.

I'm sorry if I scared you. It was the reply I got from someone else. The conversation was.."I heard it's not a good idea to talk to anyone about your problems because you have some personal information." Well, I took it personal, but I took it the wrong way, so that's on me and then I just thought, well, just that I wasn't supposed to talk to anyone.

So how have you been feeling? Your cough and sore throat feeling any better? Still doing the gentle yoga? May I ask about work and your bad news? I mean you don't have to share, if you'd rather not. I'm willing to listen though if you'd like to share. No pressure though.

I hope things are a little better for you, Again, I'm sorry for dragging you into my messy thoughts. Thanks for still wanting to talk.

Be gentle, yeah? Take care

@mytwistedsoul

Thanks, it's cool learning things like that. Thanks for sharing.

no problem, although it is something of disgrace to our country.

but i guess its something new for you.

I'd like to get that thread removed. Just because. I have a problem with looking weak. You aren't overstepping any boundries. You can ask questions too. I know I ask you alot of them sometimes.

Hmm, I cant help though. perhaps you have to look for mods.

Not sure if you kinda noticed. - If not, let me share that I am not really a "chatting" kind of person. Hence I seldom talk or start the conversation. I dont really know what to talk, discuss, either. Hence my "gk" (General Knowledge) is kind of poor.

I think we all feel that way. Well if you read that thread, thats, well, real for me. I don't think I'm a good person. I guess mainly because we have such low thoughts of ourselves and our problems, so we figure that everyone feels the same way towards us.

It is. I read somewhere before about it. Sometimes or most of the times, we often put ourselves at a "lower" end. - I'm not sure of the motive and depends on individuals. But then I often get the "commendation" from others. Hence many now are very "or extremely" worried/concerned for me. - My Well Being, Mental and Physical. All truly hope that one day i get over my stubborn-ness and get out of this rabbit hole.

I'm sorry if I scared you. It was the reply I got from someone else. The conversation was.."I heard it's not a good idea to talk to anyone about your problems because you have some personal information." Well, I took it personal, but I took it the wrong way, so that's on me and then I just thought, well, just that I wasn't supposed to talk to anyone.

I see... Kinda sensitive topic. and worse off if you took things to heart i guess.

On the topic of taking things to heart. - I am a extremeist offender on this. Almost every thing in my life journey, work, etc. I take them to heart. and i basically just shoulder the pain.

I have been recommended/taught by others to always take things slowly, one step back or even think before "trying" to take actions. Because sometimes we over-react due to emotions, etc. hence may accidentally take the wrong action which we may not even intend to.

So how have you been feeling? Your cough and sore throat feeling any better? Still doing the gentle yoga? May I ask about work and your bad news? I mean you don't have to share, if you'd rather not. I'm willing to listen though if you'd like to share. No pressure though.

My mind has been clouded with the worst fear/nightmare that is coming. - Yea its about the job. - The bad news.

I'm apologise first, it is very sensitive. I will open up, when things are firmed. instead of stirring more to the pot. Thanks for your concern and understanding.

Cough yes has been better, just that the thoat still have those "flame" feeling.

Sore Throat has never truly recovered. It always comes and goes. - That is why i hate talking, a good 5-10mins is enough to give me troubles.

Yoga well, i tried to push up the intensity back.

Run well... 2 days ago, the pain came back... i had to slow jog instead. - very sad.

I hope things are a little better for you, Again, I'm sorry for dragging you into my messy thoughts. Thanks for still wanting to talk.

Be gentle, yeah? Take care

Aye, aye. Small thing. Not really dragging me. I'm just kinda scared and also concerned, when I saw your reactions, same as how you shared your concern for me.

Take care. TwistedSoul.

@mikenai22

I did notice, but I just wanted to let you know that you can if you want. Or not. Either is ok. I'm the same way at times. Just not much for socializing. But then other times it seems I never shut up.

They care for you, it's understandable. I imagine it's frustrating for them to feel as though they can't help, when they care for you.

You wear your heart on your sleeve. I do sometimes, other times it's hidden. I try to think things through before acting, but I do get impulsive at times. And act without thinking.

Hey no problem, when ever you're ready or if you don't want to at all.

It's good your cough is better. The sore throat is puzzleing. I kind of think it must be the environment. With the dust and the smoke.

Did the yoga go better with the intensity raised? When you jog, does the pain start right away or does it take a while to build up? Sorry, questions..

I'm not really used to people being concerned, not about me anyway. Just the way it is. Thank you though, it's something I'll have to keep in mind.

Thanks, take care.

@mytwistedsoul

I did notice, but I just wanted to let you know that you can if you want. Or not. Either is ok. I'm the same way at times. Just not much for socializing. But then other times it seems I never shut up.

i'm easily read as an open book i guess - as always

okays, i'll take note.

sometimes, i just felt the "constriction. like i have to do this, otherwise i am wrong, or vice versa. which is kinda irritating. but then you also know the stress or influence might just come from sources like social media or self generated random thoughts.

I think it is also "kinda" the same for your case? whether you want to talk or not, or if you keep on talking. - there is no right or wrong.

They care for you, it's understandable. I imagine it's frustrating for them to feel as though they can't help, when they care for you.

it does hurt. and i have been fighting with myself.

You wear your heart on your sleeve. I do sometimes, other times it's hidden. I try to think things through before acting, but I do get impulsive at times. And act without thinking.

I see, I see.

Good that you are aware of yourself.

Hey no problem, when ever you're ready or if you don't want to at all.

I appreciate it.

It's good your cough is better. The sore throat is puzzleing. I kind of think it must be the environment. With the dust and the smoke.

Duno, i haven't been able to get a clean place to "stay" for long enough to find out. if it is really the environment to blame. most of the areas that i am exposed to, work, home, travelling through and fro home/work is bad.

Did the yoga go better with the intensity raised? When you jog, does the pain start right away or does it take a while to build up? Sorry, questions..

Aye? dont worry about questions. Here goes my replies~~

Well, my workout (run/chinup/yoga/pushup) depends. (It is kinda puzzling to me) I haven't been able to get a consistent workout results for quite sometime. other than chinup which has been greatly worsening each time

For jogging, it was immediate. - its like the feeling that something is not right. Not really the feeling of stitch, because for that it is easily tellable and it slowly goes away later. plus i dont really drink alot before a run.

I'm not really used to people being concerned, not about me anyway. Just the way it is. Thank you though, it's something I'll have to keep in mind.

Thanks, take care.

Perhaps its the way of our thinking? - Likewise for mine. Its like we keep registering as we are trying but accidentally overlooked.

Rest well twistedsoul. Dont be so hard on yourself.

@mikenai22 Hey how are you?

Kind of like an uncomfortable silence, at least that what comes to mind for me. You have to say something..anything because it's too quiet. But then other times,idk - the silence is just too comfortable. There are times when I go days without actually talking to anyone, yeah I talk to the dogs. I "talk" online. But that's it.

I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said anything. I just think it's really nice that, well, the whole family love thing. It's nice. Be proud of it, cherish it.

Could you wear like a light dust mask? At least maybe at home. They usually aren't that expensive, I thinkyou can get a box of 50 disposible ones for like 5 bucks. It would be something to at least think about, if it helps great, if not you're not out a whole lot. Just an idea.

How much have you changed your eating? I know you were having a hard time with portions and just not really wanting to eat. Could that be what's affecting your energy/ stamina levels.

That's the only time it hurts? Is it on spacific side? What if you put pressure on it?

OMG it's like 20 questions! Sorry

I kind of think, sometimes, that it's because we don't care and just figure or assume that no one else should or would.

Take care of yourself, be gentle

@mytwistedsoul

Hey how are you?

Havent been sleeping much.

Cant really sleep.

<I'm gona skip the regular issues, i.e. exercises, sore throats, etc.>

In addition, as of recent. I am starting to notice something very wrong. - I know it is a sign and related to depression.

It appears that I am wasting alot of my time/life. - Constantly ruminating, thinking, wasting time about what to do in life. Like there is nothing that i want to do, duno what i truly want, got something to do but yet dont want to/cant justify for it kind of. I already wasted my "good friday" holiday. - oh well nothing new. has been for awhile already

Kind of like an uncomfortable silence, at least that what comes to mind for me. You have to say something..anything because it's too quiet. But then other times,idk - the silence is just too comfortable. There are times when I go days without actually talking to anyone, yeah I talk to the dogs. I "talk" online. But that's it.

Actually I kinda like the silence. It feels much more comfortable to sit and linger around.

Its almost like you sit in a "cafe" environment, and listening to your surroundings.

Unlike in a home/office setting, where you just hear very "clear/loud" distinct noises which is very distracting.

Wow, you have pets? - Envy. Though I always wanted, but I dont think i can commit well/plus parents dont truly like them either. Anyways, i cant even take good care of myself in the first place.

I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have said anything. I just think it's really nice that, well, the whole family love thing. It's nice. Be proud of it, cherish it.

Hey, its ok. Dont be.

Something in me, just dont really like it. Dont appreciate it, and not feeling grateful for.

Could you wear like a light dust mask? At least maybe at home. They usually aren't that expensive, I thinkyou can get a box of 50 disposible ones for like 5 bucks. It would be something to at least think about, if it helps great, if not you're not out a whole lot. Just an idea.

Does'nt it feel awkwardly wrong to do that? Its like you know our own home, and yet have to result in doing this kind of things. Its like we are holding our shields against each other - <As a family. Must things be/end up this way?> I really despise closing/shutting of doors. It just does not feel right. Unfortunately when my brother practised it. I gave in and started it. Now in addition, I even went the extra mile, bought door gap sealer tapes just to seal off gaps - from noise and smoke.

But then, well - I'll think about the mask. - N95 or something i believe its called here.

How much have you changed your eating? I know you were having a hard time with portions and just not really wanting to eat. Could that be what's affecting your energy/ stamina levels.

Not much.

I'm still like eating puree'ed meals - Usually baked to make it "cakey/gooey/bready" kind of texture

Otherwise its oatmeal or whole foods (i.e. sweet potato, garden peas, chickpea, tempeh)

Fruits... majorly, apples, oranges, bananas

Vegetables are usually in the puree'ed meals - To hope i have better digestion - Vegetarian/Vegan/Plant-based diet is truly exhaustive. - Somehow something is telling/disturbing/not wanting me to like/consume meat related stuffs anymore.

I understand that it could be related to energy/stamina.

But rather what is confusing is the meal timings, portions (sometimes alot/little), painful bloat/digestions/spams/cramps for same or different or random meals.

Sometimes i can feel very hungry, but cant truly eat. But sometimes i am not hungry, but can eat humomus amount. - Totally lost.

That's the only time it hurts? Is it on spacific side? What if you put pressure on it?

Yes, right side mid-section from my view.

Never really tried. Will monitor tomorrow.

OMG it's like 20 questions! Sorry

???

I kind of think, sometimes, that it's because we don't care and just figure or assume that no one else should or would.

Take care of yourself, be gentle

Its ok. - Maybe we forget, overlooked, regardless accident or whatever reasons. Just dont be so hard.

Thanks twistedsoul. You too take care.

- By the way, I kinda noticed that I have been... kinda selffish? I never once asked about you. i.e. "How are you, twistedsoul"

@mikenai22

I'm sorry to hear you're not sleeping the best. That is something I can relate to. And depression. I've been dealing with that for a little bit. I actually thought it felt better than the anxiety I usually have all the time. But then my thoughts took a dark turn. So I'm not too happy with the depression at the moment.

I like silence too sometimes, unfortunately it never truely quiet in my mind.

2 dogs and a stray cat that showed up a few months ago. They help keep me responsible. And out of trouble sometimes because I have to stop and think - "what about the dogs?"

Do you think it's because, idk, you have to take their feelings and concerns into account? You know what I mean?

Yeah it does seem like you shouldn't have to do that. Unless your dad would maybe just smoke outside? Which I'm sure you here, my house- my rules. Maybe not. Like I said it's just something to think about. Just to see if you could maybe help rule out environmental stuff.

Could it just be, idk, gas? I'm not sure what to do for that.

It's not your appendix or gallbladder, I know the gall bladder can cause alot of trouble. But I think maybe the appendix one doesn't come and go. I'll have to give it some thought.

Oh sorry, the twenty questions was just, I had rapid fire questions all in a row. Sorry about that.

To be honest I never really gave it much thought. Other than I didn't have to give an answer for it. Because it changes so much through out the day. I can be fine one minute and not so fine the next. But today, right at this moment, I'm doing ok. Thank you for asking.

Try to have a good weekend, take care and be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

I'm sorry to hear you're not sleeping the best. That is something I can relate to. And depression. I've been dealing with that for a little bit. I actually thought it felt better than the anxiety I usually have all the time. But then my thoughts took a dark turn. So I'm not too happy with the depression at the moment.

It is ok. I understand the possibility and reasons.

Actually mine was not about "thoughts" but kinda the lost and obession with hunger or something or toilet to pee.

And it was kind of warm/dry last evening.

Sounds like you are feeling low. Good to hear on your well awareness. Please do keep a lookout and take care when necessary.

I like silence too sometimes, unfortunately it never truely quiet in my mind.

It is. Sometimes we often forget simplicity its at best.

2 dogs and a stray cat that showed up a few months ago. They help keep me responsible. And out of trouble sometimes because I have to stop and think - "what about the dogs?"

oh...? i see. Wow, that is very nice and kind of you twistedsoul

Do you think it's because, idk, you have to take their feelings and concerns into account? You know what I mean?

It is. You know the saying - You should not give a "..." about what others think of you? And also the you should put your own self/priorities first than others? Do not allow other's thoughts and words affect you and your emotions.

I seem to be always forgeting about them, not truly practising it. And constantly felt being burdened and overwhelmed by it.

I am oftened being reminded by others be aware of it, and to take greater self-care. - Yet i still cant help it

Yeah it does seem like you shouldn't have to do that. Unless your dad would maybe just smoke outside? Which I'm sure you here, my house- my rules. Maybe not. Like I said it's just something to think about. Just to see if you could maybe help rule out environmental stuff.

Guess this is life. The way of life.

But sure, i defintely understand and take in your recommendation.

If i am not wrong, way before all this happened to me. One of my colleagues did shared something similar before.

Could it just be, idk, gas? I'm not sure what to do for that.

Perhaps.

It's not your appendix or gallbladder, I know the gall bladder can cause alot of trouble. But I think maybe the appendix one doesn't come and go. I'll have to give it some thought.

No... please dont. that seriously is bad stuff and news. The surgery and stuffs is going to hurt.

Oh sorry, the twenty questions was just, I had rapid fire questions all in a row. Sorry about that.

Wow. I wonder how you managed it.

To be honest I never really gave it much thought. Other than I didn't have to give an answer for it. Because it changes so much through out the day. I can be fine one minute and not so fine the next. But today, right at this moment, I'm doing ok. Thank you for asking.

Apologises. But thank you for comprehending and understanding.

The fine for one moment and not the other. I guess it is totally related to depression symptoms? - From what i read and learnt at least.

Try to have a good weekend, take care and be gentle with yourself.

Thank you.

But 2-3 hours ago and now kind not feeling well suddenly. Favourite sweet potato was so hard to swallow and felt very nauseated. Did not finish, rested for 2-3 hours. Woke up hungry, chewed the apple still did not feel good.

I hope this feeling goes away soon.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

Was a low, now my anxiety is going nuts. It's crazy how it seems to just go back and forth all the time.

See now I get mixed signals from the whole not giving a d*mn. Because you hear that but then you have to be conciderate of other people. And it's usually worse if it's family. Maybe that's just me.

Damn, sorry I didn't think. I shouldn't have said anything.

Are you feeling better?

Take care

@mytwistedsoul

Hello twisted soul

Hey How are you?

To be frank, I do not know how to answer this question properly.

But if it is for today.

Well, my mind was already cluttered with the mental pain and burden, and the stupid wasted weekend holiday.

Then suddenly this morning... I thought of hoping to clear up some matters with my management.

But instead, I got an unexpected message from them instead.

I shared the same thoughts here

https://www.7cups.com/forum/DepressionSupport_52/DailyCheckinThreads_954/DepressionSupportCheckInMondayApril22nd2019_199393/

Was a low, now my anxiety is going nuts. It's crazy how it seems to just go back and forth all the time.

oh my. should it happens again, remember to pause and breathe. When senses are clearer or calmer, then to continue what you are doing. Especially when you are busy at your woodwork.

it is and usually if habitual, might even caught you by surprise.

See now I get mixed signals from the whole not giving a d*mn. Because you hear that but then you have to be conciderate of other people. And it's usually worse if it's family. Maybe that's just me.

=.= its ok. Treat it as i am just "ranting" or "sharing" or "just journaling" - It is ok even if you read or dont read. Don't hav to feel obliged to reply.

Neither nor the entire post.

-------

Like mentioned, perhaps its the way my upbringing had shaped how my mind thinks of today.

Morals. This is right. That is wrong. - Do wrong, get punishment.

Damn, sorry I didn't think. I shouldn't have said anything.

Nah, dont worry about it.

Are you feeling better?

Take care

To be honest, it (sore throat, bloat, cramp, sleep, etc.) comes and goes. I am a little sick and tired of it.

About the self-care thing. I'm just gona finish that last bit of cereal, and not gona buy it again.

Anyways, it is in the processed food section. - Waste of my money, thinking that i'll get my vitamins from it. End up placing more pain only.

Will look out for myself. You too take care.

@mikenai22 Hey wow, sounds serious. I hope it's nothing too bad. Just remember I'm here if you need to vent.

Oh man cereal? It would've been a nice change with the crunch and all but yeah I imagine that would scratch your throat all up.

Yeah I usually have to walk away from the wood work for a little until I can get the anxiety to calm down a little. I hate that stuck on vibrate phone thing, that's what I call it anyway.

Now I sent you mixed signals. Because I meant just people in general, not you. I always read your posts, it just takes me a bit sometimes. So feel free to rant, rave, vent.

It does get tiring, I get sick and tired of feeling the way I do too. It's kind of a shame though with the cereal. Because it does sound like a kind of nice self care treat. Like they say about the chocolate. I'm sorry it didn't go as planned for you.

Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. I know how I would feel if I were in your position. Just remember, you can vent here, so don't, you know, do anything rash.

Take care, yeah?

@mytwistedsoul

Hey wow, sounds serious. I hope it's nothing too bad. Just remember I'm here if you need to vent.

Guess no more hiding. It is about my job.

Not gona vent. But I'm just gona plate the truth.

It is at stake. In a nutshell, company's concerned for my well being and also in a professional role, I have to decide between recovery (Choosing Therapy + Fattening Medications) or employment termination.

Reason it went to this state, was because of the failure of medical review.

Oh man cereal? It would've been a nice change with the crunch and all but yeah I imagine that would scratch your throat all up.

It is. I give up. Almost finishing soon. Then the nightmare will be over.

Plus soy milk also. It kinda chugs my stomach and it does not bode/feels good.

Vegetarians, Vegans or whatever recommendation sources "recommended" such "fortified" foods to get nurtition/vitamins if we do not wish to supplement via supplements. - Please do not take this as an insult or blame to the community. I am just quoting from reference source/information from the internet.

Yeah I usually have to walk away from the wood work for a little until I can get the anxiety to calm down a little. I hate that stuck on vibrate phone thing, that's what I call it anyway.

Good to hear that you are in control at times. Do keep it up.

Stuck on vibrate. Interesting nick name.

(Just sharing) My phone ever since i made the tough call, decided, bought and despise it. It never and hardly was on ringer/vibration mode. Had always been on "DND" or Do Not Disturb mode. Only my mum's contact has been set for emergency ring/vibration.

Now I sent you mixed signals. Because I meant just people in general, not you. I always read your posts, it just takes me a bit sometimes. So feel free to rant, rave, vent.

Ah. Okays. Good.

It does get tiring, I get sick and tired of feeling the way I do too. It's kind of a shame though with the cereal. Because it does sound like a kind of nice self care treat. Like they say about the chocolate. I'm sorry it didn't go as planned for you.

Its ok. I'd never liked it. Its like a craving that becomes a regret later on.

Why kill myself or hurt myself for it.

Not worth it.

I rather make "healthier" treats that I can savour/enjoy. and not suffer the pain.

- the only thing i hate is that i always have to pay the penalty. Either monetary, calories, lethargic, time, preparation, digestion, etc.

Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. I know how I would feel if I were in your position. Just remember, you can vent here, so don't, you know, do anything rash.

Take care, yeah?

Hiaz. I understand. Will keep in mind. Especially with something kinda long term decision to make.

@mikenai22 Oh man that, well, that really sucks. I'm sorry it got to that. I mean it's nice that they're concerned about your well being up at the same time..

I've never tried soy milk or almond milk. It just sounds...wrong. Idk, you can't get milk from a plant. But that's just what I think. Just a daily multivitamin here. It's just easier.

Thanks, it's hard some days. That's just the best way for me to describe the anxiety I get. Jittery, everything just shakes, quivers, makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.

I don't use my phone much either. No one hardly calls, not that it matters, because I don't answer it. It's just mainly for emergencies.

Do you like zucchini bread? or banana bread? Or even like muffins? Something that could be easy to make, you could adjust the ingredients, to leave out certain things. But it would still be healthy. I mean anything that has zucchini in it has to be good for you, because plain that stuff is nasty.

I only say that because I know how I feel and how I can react if I feel trapped. I know you're facing a tough decision at the moment. I know it's something you're facing on your own, but you're not alone. I'm sure they have good intentions and mean well. You can do this, Mike, even if it feel you can't.

@mytwistedsoul

Oh man that, well, that really sucks. I'm sorry it got to that. I mean it's nice that they're concerned about your well being up at the same time..

Certainly does. I don't think it is alright to reply with "it is ok" - Because it certainly does not look ok. I never ever wanted things to end this way. Plus its my first job. 5 year plus of service and it resulted this way.

To be honest, the company/corporate is very generous and kind to have kept me for so long. Imagine if it is others, I would have I lost the job way back.

Many had commented on my stupidility/stubborn-ness on not accepting and not grateful of the gracious-ness of the management and company.

I've never tried soy milk or almond milk. It just sounds...wrong. Idk, you can't get milk from a plant. But that's just what I think. Just a daily multivitamin here. It's just easier.

It's commonly referred as "non-dairy" milk - Recommended for plant-based diet or those who are dairy-intolerant

Or those who "claims" dairy - Unhealthy, despite all the benefits from it. I shall not debate. It just never ends.

About vitamins, i duno, reports here and there saying to not consume them, over-rely or try unless you are truly deficient.

Although it felt "safer" to be on the just in case side. Not very sure... Too much information on the internet.

Thanks, it's hard some days. That's just the best way for me to describe the anxiety I get. Jittery, everything just shakes, quivers, makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.

I can comtemplate the feeling. - Cause i feel it at times.

I don't use my phone much either. No one hardly calls, not that it matters, because I don't answer it. It's just mainly for emergencies.

Same. Likewise.

My phone usually get texts for negative matters - Medical Appointments, Office problems, faults, bills, etc.

Do you like zucchini bread? or banana bread? Or even like muffins? Something that could be easy to make, you could adjust the ingredients, to leave out certain things. But it would still be healthy. I mean anything that has zucchini in it has to be good for you, because plain that stuff is nasty.

I tried before, it turned out abit on the wet side - Zucchini Bread

https://mikenai.wordpress.com/?s=Zucchini

The thing about banana bread - Its not like i dont like them. But everyone kept saying "stay within your limits". Eat too much, becames heavy calorific. =.= How to eat... hiaz.

Muffins, well, kinda. Similarly super calorific, But same, they just say, processed food. Refined flour, spike your blood sugar, hence food coma. Its like almost everything they have a fault to find. And blame me for all the problems i am facing.

Hence all the food/puree/dough/cakey/bready stuff i make now high chance will include a vegetable. Otherwise i feel like very out of place. - People just simply comment that i dont eat the correct food. etc.

Not saying that the food is not healthy or what per se. But its rather that my mind is utterly confused. - Perhaps i put too much thought to what others say.

Zucchini well, it has its benefits. However i think it is the same as cucumber. Mostly water. And it just a stomach filler.

Some/Most vegetarians/vegans/plant-based eater i believe they trained well enough for their stomach to take in huge amount of food (over time)

Somehow, I kept "craving" for food, but i cant stomach so much. plus the fear of calories, digestion, etc... only made things worse.

I only say that because I know how I feel and how I can react if I feel trapped. I know you're facing a tough decision at the moment. I know it's something you're facing on your own, but you're not alone. I'm sure they have good intentions and mean well. You can do this, Mike, even if it feel you can't.

I know they mean well. But its like i feel very "alone" in the battle, and do not have a "partner" to fight along the battle with me. I don't wish to battle this in the hospital environment, nor caged in the isolated ward.

I'm not some sort of pig (no offense to them) that just stays in a place to be fed. I'm not some robot to be re-programmed but some "because it is good for you" just because I am not thinking "civil" correct way.

@mikenai22 No it's definitely all right to reply that it's not ok. Because it's not ok. I can only imagine how you must feel about this. I agree that it's nice that they have worked with you on this but still..Idk, I guess if it has made work a harder to accomplish.

Yeah the eternal debate of what others feel is right or wrong. It never does end. Way too much conflicting stuff on the internet, in the news, in books, everywhere.

Anxiety sucks. I mean it REALLY sucks.

That's my phone too. Appointments, bills, people I have no desire to talk to.

I remember seeing it on on your word press, now that I think about it. Sorry, I didn't think,(again) about the caloric content of the stuff I'm suggesting. I guess I was looking more at the ease of making it. So I had another thought, if the sugars are high, what about things that are aimed towards diabetics? It would keep the sugar down and possibly the calories. Man I hope I'm not fueling something else by suggesting that.

I'm sorry, you must feel very alone in this right now. Like you said, I'm sure they do mean well, but this is a hard position for you to be in. Is there a way that they can see you get help, but that it doesn't require you to be locked up? Something like middle ground? I mean you've got to do what you've got to do but there must be some way to keep everyone happy to some extent.

Take care...I know that sounds weak probably, or maybe lame is the word. Just...be gentle with yourself.

@mytwistedsoul

No it's definitely all right to reply that it's not ok. Because it's not ok. I can only imagine how you must feel about this. I agree that it's nice that they have worked with you on this but still..Idk, I guess if it has made work a harder to accomplish.

I never thought of that before. - In yellow

Thank you for opening me up to learn about really letting the truth out instead of consealing to self.

Well... it turns out they wanted me to really spend some quality time for myself. - STRICTLY OR MYSELF AND MYSELF ONLY.

I should not be answerable to anyone. But to myself only.

Yeah the eternal debate of what others feel is right or wrong. It never does end. Way too much conflicting stuff on the internet, in the news, in books, everywhere.

Guess i should really weane off from it. It just seems to be harmful only.

Looking at the past, the history, the times that I have been spending as compared to the past on how i depended on the internet. - The mindset and usage and style has totally changed. and I believe it is for the "worse" only.

Anxiety sucks. I mean it REALLY sucks.

That's my phone too. Appointments, bills, people I have no desire to talk to.

I know. I felt before too. I dont like the adrenline rush. - It only rushes things, makes things confusing and stuffs gets done illogically.

I remember seeing it on on your word press, now that I think about it. Sorry, I didn't think,(again) about the caloric content of the stuff I'm suggesting. I guess I was looking more at the ease of making it. So I had another thought, if the sugars are high, what about things that are aimed towards diabetics? It would keep the sugar down and possibly the calories. Man I hope I'm not fueling something else by suggesting that.

Wow... you managed to surf so far down the posts? I'm impressed, thanks for spending time.

Why sorry, dont be twisted soul. - It is ok. To be bluntly honest, I should be the one that should train myself to accept "them"

Otherwise, I will forever be trapped in my own world. Unable to take a step forward to society. - Where there will be parts of community that "talks" about this topic.

Well, yes, ease definitely. Plus my favourite way of "preparing" - just puree everything, and bak/steam/microwave it off.

I tried before actually. More focus on Low FODMAP, etc. Solid food, dont puree which results in increasing the GI load. Plus I am not a great fan of sugar, even fruits i find them sweet. But not much choice. If i kept eliminating, I have nothing left... Plus fruits are kinda expensive. Even carbohydrates some claims that it is sugar in another form, which.. is bad... Furthermore sometimes i do not know if the "sugar" is the cause of the bloat/cramp stuffs.

Nah dont worry about suggestions, I'm listening. Just that how i interpret and process is another. Which i should learn to manage and get hold of.

Although plant based diet - usually like to recommend stuffs like banana, dates, etc. which i find it rather puzzling. it is all the sugary/sweet stuff

I'm sorry, you must feel very alone in this right now. Like you said, I'm sure they do mean well, but this is a hard position for you to be in. Is there a way that they can see you get help, but that it doesn't require you to be locked up? Something like middle ground? I mean you've got to do what you've got to do but there must be some way to keep everyone happy to some extent.

(work) It is. But after speaking with them just now. They are truly trying their best to help me. Unless it is so bad or till a point where they feel that it is not possible anymore, and have to stand by company policies they still have to follow by the guidelines. Otherwise it is unfair to everyone.

(medical) No. They dont have that option. Unless they see that my vitals/senses/mentality is in order or qualifys for it. But based on past experience and discussion. I doubt it is even negotiable.

Hence my mum, kept hoping/repeating to me that she hopes for me to get out of it myself. and don't keep thinking about the options provided by psych's. Otherwise it is very painful...

Take care...I know that sounds weak probably, or maybe lame is the word. Just...be gentle with yourself.

Hey, not weak nor lame. (The one's weak/lame in life is me...)

More importantly is the constant reminder (which takes effort from you - that i cant repay... either), that i should be gentle.

Imagine if you did not remind me.

I probably somewhere else, dwelling, forgetting, wasting time again.

@mikenai22 You're welcome, but I didn't really do anything. We're just talking and I've been asking you like a million questions. Sometimes it just takes a little to be able to start to open up. Some people don't realize that it can take time to understand someone's postion. Sometimes you just can't jump into things, you have to ease in to it.

It's confusing, the conflict and contradictions you read online. There's never a good simple answer.

Not much sleeping going on. And if the anxiety says not to talk to people and it won't let me do anything work wise. I have to find other ways to keep busy, or I end up pacing or walking. So, I check out things.

Maybe if it's a natural sugar like in fruits it's not as bad?

Well hopefully, this is maybe like a wake up call for you? Sorry that sounds kind of harsh.

I don't think you're lame or weak. It seems to me that you are trying. I mean you admit to your faults and acknowledge where the problems are, you just have to get a little more control on it and take back your life. But you are trying. It doesn't take much effort on my part to remind you to be gentle to yourself. You're important, way more important than any effort I've made. I'm just trying to get you to see that. No repayment is ever needed or necessary , just you getting yourself in a better spot would be enough.

@mytwistedsoul

You're welcome, but I didn't really do anything. We're just talking and I've been asking you like a million questions. Sometimes it just takes a little to be able to start to open up. Some people don't realize that it can take time to understand someone's postion. Sometimes you just can't jump into things, you have to ease in to it.

Well, look at the amount of replies and effort you have made for me. 2 pages already? - Think we might even have talked more than what a psychologist could have spent

It is, my stubborn-ness and "not tunnel vision" but lope-sided view sometimes only places more burdens and pressures. Without me noticing.

Thanks for easing in for me. - Guessing it wasn't easy for you.

It's confusing, the conflict and contradictions you read online. There's never a good simple answer.

It is why, I am kinda in a lost mode.

But yet often I find myself going back and "searching" more trying to find something - to console myself? or at least say that "hey" you are ok? or you are not ok.

Not much sleeping going on. And if the anxiety says not to talk to people and it won't let me do anything work wise. I have to find other ways to keep busy, or I end up pacing or walking. So, I check out things.

oh my. but if you can find something. I guess it is good?

just try not to be like myself, where i just dwell. it is not healthy. worse off stuck in a loop of mindless internet surfing or youtube for answers.

Maybe if it's a natural sugar like in fruits it's not as bad?

It is supposed to be "better" - subject to some of the discussions raised.

But then again, some of them started claiming that sugar end of the day is still sugar.

Yes we humans need it to "survive" by using it as a energy source.

(So yea, all the confusing and fuel to the burning raging fire that I am already in)

Well hopefully, this is maybe like a wake up call for you? Sorry that sounds kind of harsh.

Kinda.

Perhaps.

Maybe my last chance.

I don't think you're lame or weak. It seems to me that you are trying. I mean you admit to your faults and acknowledge where the problems are, you just have to get a little more control on it and take back your life. But you are trying.

Many highlighted about the little things - to open me, to show me that I am "trying" but i seemed to not notice them. it could also be that my mind "intentionally" avoided it. or mis-viewed it.

The control or learnt behaviour is probably what that is directing it to a negativity manner. (i.e. like how you manage your anxiety by trying to do something else)

It doesn't take much effort on my part to remind you to be gentle to yourself. You're important, way more important than any effort I've made. I'm just trying to get you to see that. No repayment is ever needed or necessary , just you getting yourself in a better spot would be enough.

Guess I did not noticed that.

Whether or not i can or cannot get myself to a better spot.

Well I can only wonder for now.

Should I dream for it? - I duno.

I only got 1 main message from yesterday's talk to HR. - SELF-CARE and for myself and myself only. Others will/can wait for now.

I apologise for the red font.

@mikenai22

It's easy for me to talk to you about your problems. I just wish I could be as open about my own. Idk, I try but the words just sort of disappear. Poof - gone. Or I just can't seem to explain how I feel. I guess maybe some of it is just being an insecure person. There again..Idk, words just evade me.

I do it sometimes because I start to doubt what I read. Kind of a, wait did I read that right?" momment. So I go back and re read it 2-3 times

Yeah and no. It's tiring. But when it gets too bad I can't sit still, so sitting at the computer doesn't work. I've been trying to decide which is worse, the anxiety I get or the depression.

This might sound stupid, but maybe you intentionally avoid it because it's just what you know. It's, I want to say comfort zone but I know it's not comfortable. It's just what you know, what you're used to.

It never hurts to dream. I don't see a whole lot of importance in myself either. I'm just a speck, a blip.

Well that's good, to practice self care.

So you did the red? That's ok, I thought I did something I shouldn't have. You don't have to apologize for it.

Take care, be gentle with yourself.

@mikenai22 I just realized - I should thank you too. I've really been fighting the urge to isolate myself lately. I already don't do as much in here as I used to in the other forums. Talking with you in here keeps me from doing it completely. Thank you!

Second Post

@mytwistedsoul

something took another turn - unexpected event.

I don't know if it is good or bad news.

@mikenai22 Everything ok?

@mytwistedsoul

Physically still around and operational.

Mentally still sane.

But Mentally in a loop and not processing information in a healthy manner.

Maybe i should just give my mind a break - at last for now or today.

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1st Post

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@mytwistedsoul

It's easy for me to talk to you about your problems. I just wish I could be as open about my own. Idk, I try but the words just sort of disappear. Poof - gone. Or I just can't seem to explain how I feel. I guess maybe some of it is just being an insecure person. There again..Idk, words just evade me.

Grateful and Thankful that you are able to put that, spend your time for me,

Maybe give yourself a chance and try?

Maybe like try what I can do which is to type it out? instead of trying to say it out?

Dont have to type it out for others. More like for yourself kind of thing.

I do it sometimes because I start to doubt what I read. Kind of a, wait did I read that right?" momment. So I go back and re read it 2-3 times

Hmm, re-reading is ok, if it is more of trying to understand better.

But if re-reading for the sake of it will be bad. - Or worse off like me, when I try to find other sources of similar information to "truly" confirm that the source is really what it is trying to say. Then I keep dwelling and dwelling. and there are times where i try to find the "opposite" to have some sense of security.

Yeah and no. It's tiring. But when it gets too bad I can't sit still, so sitting at the computer doesn't work. I've been trying to decide which is worse, the anxiety I get or the depression.

I see, I see. Guess your type is more of an active type.

This might sound stupid, but maybe you intentionally avoid it because it's just what you know. It's, I want to say comfort zone but I know it's not comfortable. It's just what you know, what you're used to.

Most of the time, I not gona lie. It is truly comfort. But then another is also the inability to "accept".

It never hurts to dream. I don't see a whole lot of importance in myself either. I'm just a speck, a blip.

Dreams. Always pushed away by others.

Well that's good, to practice self care.

So you did the red? That's ok, I thought I did something I shouldn't have. You don't have to apologize for it.

I dont know about it (self-care) much.

It is not easy.

No. More like what I was advised/recommended by management/hr to do.

I have not told anyone yet. I wonder what they will think about me. - Being this self-fish.

Take care, be gentle with yourself.

Thank you. You too, twistedsoul

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2nd Post

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@mytwistedsoul

I just realized - I should thank you too. I've really been fighting the urge to isolate myself lately. I already don't do as much in here as I used to in the other forums. Talking with you in here keeps me from doing it completely. Thank you!

Haha, welcome.

Almost like kinda a routine check-in.. =.=||

Happy to have some company.

@mikenai22 Hey How are you?

I type alot of things out and then delete it. I do that with posts on 7cups too. For some reason I have a problem with seeming weak. I'm not used to being able to go to other people with things. I do I guess what everyone calls journaling. I'd like to get other's input on things sometimes but I can't seem to put it out there for other's to read. Fear of judgement, fear of being vulnerable.

I'm kind of that way with myself. The isolation thing. If I'm alone, I'm safe. I don't have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I don't have to worry about being hurt.

It's hard, self care, but it can be sort of easy too. It's all about doing what makes you happy, content. At least that's what I got from it. It can be as simple as going for a pleasant walk. Time for yourself. A video game or listening to music. But you have to get some enjoyment from it. So yeah it can be hard. It does seem and feel selfish, but everyone should have "me" time. Part of it is not caring what others think about it. You have to do it for you so that you can be better for others.

I guess it is like a check in. There seems to be some of that lacking in other area's of 7cups, have you noticed? I mean I realize people are busy with outside lives but I've noticed it's gotten worse here in just the short time I've been here.

Take care, be gentle with yourself

@mytwistedsoul

Hey How are you?

Ok I guess. Kinda exhausted today, but cant seem to rest.

Kinda confused, lost about yesterday.

And today, well I kinda forced myself to do stuffs that are looping in my head.

"worked" in the kitchen almost all morning/afternoon.

I type alot of things out and then delete it. I do that with posts on 7cups too. For some reason I have a problem with seeming weak. I'm not used to being able to go to other people with things. I do I guess what everyone calls journaling. I'd like to get other's input on things sometimes but I can't seem to put it out there for other's to read. Fear of judgement, fear of being vulnerable.

I see. Could it mean that, changing the words, mean that it is not what you might wanna present or share?

Different people different areas of problems? It is ok. Just have to learn, slowly try to overcome it? If it is truly painful and difficult. Then perhaps might have to find other way to help yourself.

Yea, those fears are not easy to overcome. I am struggling with them too. There are times where we "fail" and it is ok to. There are times where we "overcome" it. Which is great. - this makes us human

I'm kind of that way with myself. The isolation thing. If I'm alone, I'm safe. I don't have to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. I don't have to worry about being hurt.

haha. one thing i learnt/found is that isolation, well I liked it very very much. I yearn for it every single time.

but... there are times, where you need abit of "company" or some sort of interaction.

It's hard, self care, but it can be sort of easy too. It's all about doing what makes you happy, content. At least that's what I got from it. It can be as simple as going for a pleasant walk. Time for yourself. A video game or listening to music. But you have to get some enjoyment from it. So yeah it can be hard. It does seem and feel selfish, but everyone should have "me" time. Part of it is not caring what others think about it. You have to do it for you so that you can be better for others.

What seem to be wrong now is that, no matter how I try. Things I fave before, and also something new. - which categorises under self-care. But i dont seem to be "happy" nor "contented". Its almost felt more like "doing for the sake of checking the checkbox"

Worse off, i seem to "dont mind" helping others. But yet not want to help myself.

About the self-fishness not sure. It just does not feel at ease or norm for me.

I guess it is like a check in. There seems to be some of that lacking in other area's of 7cups, have you noticed? I mean I realize people are busy with outside lives but I've noticed it's gotten worse here in just the short time I've been here.

Haha.

er i dont really get what you mean by lacking.

But the check-ins well.. not sure. I just report in only. But i find myself, repeating most of the times.

Take care, be gentle with yourself

Thanks twistedsoul.