Depression Community - How do you actually feel today?

Feeling kinda lost and lonely to be honest. Finals week is approaching along with other deadlines in my life and I'm wondering what the hell am I doing with my life. I'm scared of failure but I feel like it's no other choice these days and I'm wondering why I'm even trying

I have a long story and am currently feeling very overwhelmed and worthless. I am a 22 year female who has suffered for depression for 10 years now. I have just recently started taking medications a year ago and nothing has seemed to be helping me. I was in an abusive relationship for a year which I finally got out of, which was my main drive to get better and see a doctor for an antidepressant. A few months down the road I met this amazing guy that made me feel so happy. I felt like the luckiest person in the world. I went back to my psychiatrist thinking I didn't need as high a dose of medication that I had been on because I was no longer having panic attacks or depressive episodes, not realizing that this was because of the happiness from my relationship and not from my own self. Problems in our relationship got really bad and I would ignore my boyfriend and scream at him when he was doing nothing wrong. When I would drink I would black out only after a few and I would get abusive before and after we broke up. I would have delusions that things were okay, or even that things were worse than they actually were, and it would trigger some sort of emotional reaction. I've had multiple times where I come back to consciousness laying in bed sobbing and not remembering a thing. I found out I went to my ex's house (the one that treated me well) and pretended like everything was okay like we were still together, and he went off on me and I punched him and fought him while he tried to take me home because he knew I was having a really bad episode. I've never felt this low and for the first time in my life, I actually feel like I'm going crazy. I always knew I had a problem, but I feel like this is a point of being psychotic and it's terrifying. I don't know what to do at this point as I would never intentionally hurt myself, but I wish I could just disappear I couldn't hurt people anymore. I need help and I need to know that there's hope, because I feel like there is none right now. I don't feel like I have any chance of getting better as my depression has only gotten worse, and is honestly closer to bipolar disorder than anything, which scares me even more. I have highs now where I feel super positive and like everything is going perfectly, and then with the flip of a switch, I feel crazy and no longer in control of myself and lashing out.

I'm just here... worried, anxious, wanting to go back to bed. My family going in opposite directions, no one doing things together anymore :-(

I actually feel down today.. Just like any other day. I forced myself to eat and didn't even finish all my food. I can't sleep either and I can't push myself to even do homework

I felt so good all day. All week actually. But with Monday closing in, I fear starting on my papers to finish off my year of university. I knew my family was going back home from some visiting this weekend... and now that they're gone and the house is quiet, I'm alone with my thoughts again and that scares me. I feel that weight on my chest like someone's parked a backhoe over my ribs. I feel that raw, rusty tightening in my throat. I feel my back tensing up like I'm about to be in some type of accident. I feel so sad and defenseless today. I don't know if anyone will read this.. but if you do, it would just be nice to know that someone has felt this way and I'm not the only one..

Today I feel really depressed again. It's like I would be standing on the edge of a precipice which is sucking all my strength. I have been in a rather good condition for a long time and I am surprised of the strongnes of this feeling. It feels like I suddenly got lost inside of me. But sharing it, even in this rather sybolic way here, feels good. I am so grateful for the opportunity to say: I am depressed, somewhere without a fear of getting misunderstod and condemned. (At least I hope so). I am depressed. It feels terrible, but I will manage. It is just my sickness not me and not the whole truth. I hate it, but I try not to hate myself althought it feels sometimes very painful to be me. Sometimes it feels quite allright.

I just feel so empty and alone. Nothing I do is helping. I just want to sleep and not have to worry about anything.

A little ashamed and disappointed in myself for not doing the best I could have done.

Yesterday turned out to be a terrible day. I was doing well then I had to let ex boyfriend know I would be getting my clothes etc at his place next week. He blew. He knew I was planning that day. A narcissist, gaslighting man. We were together nine years, emotional abuse was so there. I am not innocent, as my depression and bipolar weren't always nice, but he may have helped with that happening. He made it sound like we were separated as friends. He is trying to be the controlling jerk as usual. Why am I surprised. That is okay, I hold the titles to his boats in my name cuz of his past due child support for a 12 year old boy he has never met. He also knows I am picking up the internet router and satellite receiver as I have been paying those even after leaving in January. I will use those titles as my ticket to get my property. Then I am off to Mexico for 15 days.

I don`t feel depressed but i do sometimes in my episodes of my mind feeling like it`s going to overwhelm with all my thoughts kill myself.