Depression Community - How do you actually feel today?

I feel terrible. I feel like a pile of dirt and everyone treats me like one

Ashamed. Disgusted with myself.

I got drunk last night, got really depressed, and ended up crying in my friend's arms. Later on she took my antidepressant pills away from me when I told her I wanted to take them all. It's the morning now and I feel like no one should have to put up with someone like me. I should do better. I should be better. One day I know my friends are going to walk away because they won't want to put up with me anymore and I won't blame them.

I feel bad today. Feel so sad and lonely.. It's hard to concentrate to things I do..

I feel lost. I don't know what happiness feels like and I'm starting not to feel any sadness. I just feel empty, lost, and tired. I want to cry but I can't anymore. I just want to sleep.

Feeling awful stressed lonely and just anxious

TW: sexual assault mention, abuse, internalized ableism

Sorry I haven't posted here in a while. I've been losing my energy and will to get up recently. Roughly 28 days later and its still hurting.

I've gone over the abuse, the manipulation, the sexual coercion a million times over in my head. I've just been trying to guess what exactly his intentions were.

Because it's frightening and extremely devastating to think that he only ever thought of me as an object. Nothing more than something naive enough to let him do what he wanted just because he said he 'cared'.

But to think that he did what he did because he was ignorant of the implications probably wouldn't be better. Because it would just mean that he'd never take accountability because he believes he never did anything wrong. That I was, am always, overreacting.

Maybe I did deserve it. To be used and then discarded like nothing. He didn't even give me the dignity of a goodbye in person. My head hurts thinking about it.

Maybe he was right. I'm too mentally ill to be loved by anyone. And when I react to being hurt, its only because of the mental illness. In the end, its what made me weak enough to be taken advantage of by someone like him. I should've seen it coming, but in head I was too naive, I was too foolish. And maybe because of that, it proves I deserved it.

Because I should've seen it coming. Obviously no one could ever love me in that way. Because this person who I thought I could trust, who said they cared and that they loved me, only ever saw me as a convenience. Of course he only wanted to be with me because he could use me for sex. I'm not even a person.

Today I actually feel kind of proud of myself. I've done lots of research and am trying to take the first steps in getting help. It's a bit tricky as I'm living in a new country where health care isn't super available, but I'm determined because I cannot go on living this way.

This is me,

18 years old and no one in my family knows that I have this problem....this secret I have hidden for 7 years and counting. I would sooner tell a stranger my personal feelings and thoughts than tell my parents that I had suicidal thoughts at only 12 years old. I have cut myself, tried to over dose, and even thought of shooting myself in the head. I even know how I would do it. So many scenarios....too many scenarios planned in my young mind on how I could end it all. Why do I think these things? Do I have depression that bad? Is it really depression or I just need to get over myself?

Please someone answer me.

I'm a 25 year old male and my fiance is having surgery in the morning. Two months ago our lives were turned upside down when he was shot almost point blank in the jaw. After loosing close to 5 pints of blood and fighting for his life he pulled through it. They have to go back in tomorrow and remove a plate and reconstruct his jaw and I have this sick feeling that I'm going to loose him. I don't know what to do or how to reassure him that everything will be okay. I know he can see the fear in my eyes.

Feeling terrible and unwanted. Will it ever get better?