Weekly Prompt #32: What is a boundary to you?

@ASilentObserver being disabled, and needing help to shower, get dressed pretty much everything, boundaries are hard for me to put in place😞 I suppose the only one I have is if I'm hiding under my blanket, then please leave me alone to cry it out. 

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@Tinywhisper11 I am sorry tiny. It sounds like setting boundaries can feel challenging when you have needs related to your disability. If I can ask, how did you know you were ready to set this boundary by yourself?

@ASilentObserver well since I joined 7 cups about a year and a half ago, I learnt what boundaries meant, I've learnt a lot from this site, about people's rights. And so I got the courage to say no or tell people to back off a bit when I'm upset. ❤❤ thank God for this site, I'd be lost without it ❤

@Tinywhisper11 that is very cool tiny and you doing great. Your every step is admirable. Thank you for doing it and sharing it with us as well. 

@ASilentObserver

I am trying to get better at boundaries so I don't overextend myself, but I find that most of my friends have now pulled back the moment I am not ruining my life to prioritize theirs. It's frustrating and lonely, but I am getting better at it.

@persistentBunny8332 That sounds really challenging bunny. You are trying to establish boundaries, but it feels like people around you are not respecting them. Can you share more about what it feels like for you to set boundaries?

A boundary is a thing you set with others based on how you'd like them to treat you. If you don't have any power over them or systemic support and a person with power over you or system support where you do not decides to ignore your boundaries, there is not much you can do besides continuing to ask that they be respected. Boundaries are in large part about the mutual valuation of respect, care, reciprocity, and autonomy. And when that valuation is absent, when the other person doesn't see you as meaningfully human but instead a thing to exploit, and you don't have the power to stop them and enforce your boundaries or escape, boundaries become wishful thinking.

@Zeraphim I understand what you mean by boundaries, Zera. It makes sense that without mutual respect and valuation, boundaries may not be effective. Would you share more about how this lack of mutual valuation has impacted you?

@ASilentObserver

Hi, ASO,

One boundary I have is not to talk to someone specific on this site.  That person interjects themself into so many conversations.  It's so rude.  So I don't talk to them, because life is too short for people like that.  Just go around them.  

@purpleTree4652 Boundaries can be really hard to set, especially when it comes to online interactions where it can feel like we have to be available all the time. But setting boundaries around who we engage with is such a healthy way to prioritize our well-being. It sounds like you've found a great approach by simply not engaging with this person anymore. How has that been helping you so far?

@ASilentObserver

It is a great way to eliminate the possible stress I was caused by this person.  Unfortunately, they are so prevalent on 7cups, that I can't seem to answer a new post without seeing them already having responded to people.  They even interject themselves with people I have been talking with.  So, I'll be having a conversation with someone, and suddenly, this person interjects themself and takes over the conversation.  Then the person I was talking to and this person are having a new conversation of their own, and I think it's rude and childish to interject myself and try to take the conversation back, so I just leave the conversation.  It's hard to avoid this person because they are everywhere it seems.

@purpleTree4652

I had a similar situation last week. I try to be tolerant but this person wore out my last nerve. He pushed a button and I snapped. He said I was dab (The Known 7cups Super troll). That set me off!

This person is an alcoholic Mafioso who loves to brag about his crimes. And he is always flirting and hitting on women with lewd comments referring to his *** every 10 minutes. The mods have warned him many times, but he is a slick operator and talks his way out of trouble every time.

I told him - "I am not your friend. I have been able to tolerate your bad behavior for months and now I have to mute you on sight. Your mere pretense brings out feelings of hatred in me towards you, and I don't want to feel that way about anybody on 7Cups."

My therapist said I clearly set my boundaries in no uncertain terms.

I call that using the InstaMute™

What is a boundary to you? 

Personal space - I don't like people getting too close to me, physically.  I feel very uncomfortable when they get too close.  I feel trapped.

@WharfRat That sounds uncomfortable. You don't like it when people get too close because you feel trapped. What happens when someone gets too close to you?

@ASilentObserver

It makes my skin crawl.  I have to move away.

@WharfRat That is difficult. It sounds like being close to people triggers something difficult for you. Please know you have all of us here. Please be gentle to yourself. You are not alone in this. 

@WharfRat

I can relate to that, some people like to talk very close to you, I'm not sure why, but it does make me feel uncomfortable too sometimes.

@Aputik

Yes, what happens to me is people will often want to sit too close to me during group therapy sessions.  I'm thinking "spread out!  There is plenty of room!"

When I originally posted on this thread, I thought they were looking for an example of a boundary, not an explanation of what boundaries are.  Oh, well.

@WharfRat

An example is still good discussion material! ;)

I remember once, at university, we were all siting in these super long hemispherical tables where the seats were all together... at some point I stood up and sat in the row behind 😅 I just had too many people siting next to me and too close... we all had some fun with this, no one took it seriously bad!

But yes, my thought was the same..."spread out! there's plenty of room!" I don't know why I am doing this or why other people don't feel the same 🤷

To me boundaries are only attained by knowing yourself very well and respecting your will and needs. Being conscious about two realities happening at the same time: what other people want from me and what I want for myself. Being able to find the middle term when it's needed, confront others when I fully need to support my need, and provide full support when I can afford it. To me, that's setting boundaries while relating to others. I hope one day I can feel comfortable with this and master the technique. 

(some people say there is a third reality, which refers to the group needs but that complicates things a bit more...) 

@Aputik That is wonderful, Aputik. You have a good understanding of boundaries. You are right, knowing yourself and respecting your own needs is important. Finding the middle ground and being able to set boundaries while still being considerate of others is a valuable skill. 

@ASilentObserver

Thanks!

It's not easy isn't it though?

@ASilentObserver a boundary is a crossed line, a hopped fence, an invoked emotion that says stay awake, alarms gone off, get up and push for a better day, break and set yourself back together stronger than before and do whatever you can to make sure it doesn't happen again.

@communicativePond1728 I think that's a really good way to look at it. What are some ways that you can set boundaries? 

@ASilentObserver i think a boundary is something that makes one person uncomfortable and for the other person/people to not bring that up or do that thing. its to make sure everyone is comfortable and feeling safe and not feeling like crap

@RUMBUM Thank you for sharing Rum. That's a good way to put it. What boundaries have you set for yourself? And how has setting them gone?

@ASilentObserver 

It's sad to admit, but I did not know what boundaries were until much later in life. I began suffering from depression in high school. Back then I was either bullied or ignored. I was very introvertive and prickly to protect myself. Because I was lonely, the few times someone showed interest in me, I didn't hold anything back. My first relationships that happened at college were disasters. Then I met someone and we got married. I never learned to set boundaries. In hindsight, I don't know if it would have made my current situation any better. The only thing I can do now is try to deal with the situation that I am existing in now, the best I can. 

@NotAllHere713 Hi Notall, good to see you and thank you for your share. That makes sense and I think many people struggle with knowing how to set boundaries, especially when they haven't had them modeled well for them. Please know you are doing your best by trying to work through things as they come up. What are some ways you've tried to set boundaries?

@ASilentObserver 

One of the boundaries I am working on is trying to stay away from toxic people. I try to keep conversations to a minimum so I don't get triggered. However, this is difficult when they live in the same house as you. 

@ASilentObserver

Sometimes when I set boundaries I lose friends this way. I don't even ask for much, I keep my standards for friendships reasonable. Here are some of mine:

1. Be upfront, I don't like reading minds and I am prone to overthinking.

2. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

3. I don't like that friendly bullying stuff. I always feel like you're disguising insults as jokes or playful banter. It kind of triggers me.

4. Same with offensive humor. It reminds me of a past part of me that I want to forget. It also makes me suspect that you're a bigot.

@PopPunkPrincess17 Those are all totally valid boundaries, Princess. What happened when you told them about these boundaries?