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PopPunkPrincess17
1,439 M Little Steps 5
Back from the void
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts218 Forum posts98 Forum upvotes120 Current upvotes120 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceFebruary 6, 2024
Bio

22 years old ♡ she/her/hers ♡ INFP-T ♡ beginner artist ♡ casual gamer ♡ taken ♡ emo/Goth ♡ bookworm


Hobbies: digital art, drawing, crafts, listening to music, playing video games, reading fiction books, Netflix, writing stories, exploring and talking about my interests


Interests and Fandoms: Overwatch, Team Fortress 2, YA Fiction books, Animal Crossing, Cyberpunk Edgerunners, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. Although I am open to learning more about any fandom.


Music taste: Emo and metal bands and their branched sub-genres (metalcore, deathcore, screamo, djent, pop punk, etc.) Retro-wave and vaporwave. Goth music/80's synthpop (post-punk, darkwave, EBM). Girl-pop/bubblegum pop/art pop, and alternative pop music. Indie music and shoegaze. Ambient/lo-fi music.

Recent forum posts
I am losing faith in women supporting each other.
Depression Support / by PopPunkPrincess17
Last post
 July 5th
...See more Feel free to change my mind in the comments, because I know this is going to be a biased take, but I will make one thing clear: I do not hate my gender. I'm mainly ranting about how women online talk about supporting and uplifting each other because I have never been in a female space (both online and in-person) where I felt like I was part of a truly supportive "gal group". This is mainly with online spaces since I play a ton of Overwatch 2 but I have lost faith in women supporting and uplifting each other because it is something I see practiced more than preached online. And I know I'm going to get comments from people telling me to be the change I want to see in the world but I am struggling with trust issues and just a lessening hope for humanity more and more. I fear socializing, and I hate social events. I cannot have a conversation with women outside of my social circle about my hobbies and interests because I know they will just judge me and make fun of me. The whole gamer girl spaces/communities thing just feels so fake because when I join these spaces they're either dead/mostly inactive or they're highly toxic and full of bullies and pick-me girls. The fact that I am a woman of color who isn't considered the beauty standard and possibly neurodivergent doesn't help my case, since girls seem to mainly support pretty girls, particularly those of the beauty standard (despite the common take I see on social media of girls disliking when other girls are prettier than them; I somehow always see the opposite).
Friend Groups Trigger Me.
Friendship Support / by PopPunkPrincess17
Last post
 June 29th
...See more I have developed trauma from being in friend groups because they almost always turn out to be toxic. There is always that one *** that always wants to start *** with me while the rest of their goons either stay quiet or join in and dogpile and bully and harass me further and further. Half of the time, being the only Black girl in the group automatically makes things so much worse to the point where I have developed self-hate for my looks and who I am as a person. I am not the aesthetic baddie/Barbie black girl that you see in the media, so I am automatically outcasted from my community. I have become more and more non-confrontational because a lot of these bullies are relentless and will do everything in their power to further isolate and bully me from the group. I have grown to distrust and despise people more and more. I don't even make excuses for what they have gone through or are currently going through because there is no excuse to use that to make another person's life ***. It has gotten so bad that I won't even open apps like *** anymore because they bring so much emotional pain. Me inserting myself into an online community means opening myself up to the risk of having to relive that trauma over and over again, having people call me slurs, talk about me behind my back, stir up drama, and get me banned from communities all because they don't like me. 
Im close to giving up.
Depression Support / by PopPunkPrincess17
Last post
 May 26th
...See more The fact that this is the fourth or fifth time that I have been ghosted by a staffing agency or had my application rejected is insane. The only people getting back to me in a timely manner are MLM remote sales companies and scammers. Other than my father giving me money to be able to buy groceries to survive, I have solely been depending on my irregular Depop sales, survey and receipt scanning apps, and apps that pay you to play games. Every time I open Indeed, I am depressed. I have no car and I am not qualified for 75% of the jobs listed on the site, which require at least a year of in-field experience and a valid driver's license (I need a job to be able to save up for driving school-- my dad was initially planning to take me, but things changed). I have been asking for help, begging for referrals on social media over and over, yet my peers ignore me every time or are in the same boat as I am. Every month that passes, I feel worse and worse about myself, like something is wrong with me. People say to lie on my resume or use my experience selling on Mercari or giving presentations for my university public health classes as experience, but at this point I don't even know if these will work. Advice is greatly appreciated. 
Unemployed, feeling like I am a failure, please help, Long Rant
General Support / by PopPunkPrincess17
Last post
 April 13th
...See more I don't know if this is the right topic. But I feel helpless. I have posted on another community about my struggles, and I have attempted to make progress and took the advice of the individuals that have responded to my post, but so far I feel like my efforts have gotten me nowhere. A lot of jobs that I seem to apply to online are either extremely competitive, require experience that I do not have (I refuse to lie on my resume/in interviews), or are data farms. I have poor interview skills, which can be remedied through career counseling and mock interview resources, but every day I check the job boards and I feel like I suffered through undergrad for nothing (I studied public health, a field that was in-demand at the height of the pandemic, but is now irrelevant). Had I known the job market would be this bad when I graduated, I would've chosen a different career path to begin with. I have been out of work since September of last year (when I finished college). No one will hire me, and my experience is very lacking. The only employment experience I have is with food service jobs (Chipotle and my college dining hall) and Amazon. Here is what I have done so far: 1. Checked with temp agencies. I registered with one in-person temp agency and they said they had nothing. I will check more agencies, but I have looked around on some of these agencies' online job boards, and am seeing a lot of management positions and positions that require you to be certified in something (usually in nursing or caregiver positions). The rest are all engineering/manufacturing or in finance/accounting/sales. There are some desk job positions, but they require at least a year or 2 of experience (experience that I do not have). Indeed is a joke, Snagajob is a joke, ZipRecruiter, Glassdoor, I have checked them all. I have built my LinkedIn profile, but my connections are low. I feel weird sending random requests to people that I went to university with and never spoke to in-person. I tried to apply to fast food/retail but the wages went up to $20/hour in this state so that means layoffs, menu price increases, slower business, hours cut, hiring freezes, shorter-staffed shifts. It was shockingly easier for me to get a job while in university, I don't know what happened. 2. Sign up for volunteer opportunities, these are in-progress right now. I'm mainly working with organizations where I can develop skills that can be used for jobs, like tutoring kids, or working with the Red Cross, since my network is weak due to my mental health problems and my weak support system. After undergrad ended I lost a lot of friends and cut off a lot of people because I felt like no one really cared about me. Some people on Reddit have recommended I reach out to people from clubs I was in and ask for help but I don't think they know either, mainly because they have their own internships going (most of them are in engineering or something similar like biochem or pharmsci) I have posted on *** asking if anyone knew where I could find a job and no one knew anything. My friend who is thinking of quitting her job at Ross Dress for Less told me to apply and even offered to refer me, I have wrote my name down on their clipboard for interviews about 3 times and never got a call back. I applied online, called the store, was rejected immediately after the call (I think because I failed their assessment) If anyone else has recommendations for volunteering, let me know. I live in the Los Angeles area. 3. My university career center, I don't know if they can help me much since I no longer attend school there (I know I still have access to their virtual services). Someone recommended this, but again, I don't know if this will really help. I did not get a degree in an in-demand field. I am very angry at myself because I took several AP courses in STEM only to earn low test scores on these same courses in university (especially Calc 1, which killed my love for math altogether), ultimately pushing me out of fields like pharmaceutical sciences and engineering because I could not afford to take the courses a third or fourth time and pay thousands in summer session tuition. The main reasons I wanted to go into these fields were job growth, salary, and because I loved studying STEM in high school, now I am burnt out from receiving poor grades on my chem and bio midterms.  4. A local WorkSource center, again I only went for the onboarding assessment thing they did. I'm still in the process of seeing what's next. On Reddit I saw someone mention networking socials and job clubs but my mental health is so bad from my friend drama in university that I have lost the will to branch out, socialize and make connections. I have spent these past few months living like a hermit and only talking to the 5-10 friends on social media who DM me. I only go to the library, the grocery store, the gym, and back. 5. Sign up for adult school classes, I don't think I will be using this degree anytime soon. I have no car and no license because I cannot afford driving school. I think the next course sign up period is probably in the summer or in the fall but I'm not too sure.
Netflix Recommendations because why not
TV & Movies / by PopPunkPrincess17
Last post
 August 16th
...See more Share your Netflix recs here. I will go first: * Riverdale, at least the first season or two. * Shadow and Bone because I liked the books * Greys Anatomy, a sad hospital drama but binge-able especially because I studied public health and I have thought about working in a hospital * Stranger Things but due to the controversy I will not be watching season 5 * Cyberpunk Edgerunners due to the aesthetic and the game but the relationship is controversial (and it hurts because I love both characters!) * Jojo's Bizarre Adventure especially Stone Ocean! <3 * Ever After High, something about cartoons based off of toy franchises that warms your heart * Orange Is The New Black 
University has altered my perception of friendships
Depression Support / by PopPunkPrincess17
Last post
 March 28th
...See more Hi, I am a 22F. After graduating college and enduring mental health problems throughout undergrad to the point where it has drove several people away (multiple people have blocked/unfollowed me on social media, I will admit I have said and done things that I regret), along with losing connection with the majority of people that I knew from college (I would say that post-grad, roughly five people from uni text me, occasionally), I am afraid to make new friends or attend in-personal social events. My perception of friendships has been altered to the point where I have racing, repeating thoughts and worries of people betraying me, excluding me, abandoning me, or cutting me off out of nowhere. As a result, I tend to isolate myself from people to avoid being hurt, sometimes ghosting people, emotionally detaching, or delaying responses to texts. I often will assume the worst of people to avoid being seen as "delusional" or "getting my hopes up" or otherwise *** myself over for choosing to see the best in the wrong people. I do not feel like I fit in anywhere, not even in social groups with people who are similar to me. The most I can do is make maybe one friend in a big group and break off. I recently thought I had made a new best friend before things became emotionally abusive and toxic after three months, and I ended up having to cut off a considerable amount of people out of my social circle as well, since we share so many mutual friends and common interests. I even developed hatred of myself and my body because I thought I was too ugly, too fat, too dark, too poor to make friends in university. I'm thinking of taking medications but at this point I don't know if I am going to heal from everything. I try to find community in online chat rooms and shared spaces, but I have trauma from the *** app (a lot of cyberbullying and exclusion on those servers) and I'm afraid to use other platforms like MeetUp or Bumble BFF. I see all these posts about "every girl deserves a supportive girl group" but I feel like they don't exist or that they're not for girls like me. Every social group I join I always feel like the odd one out or that people are talking *** about me in secret. They say that isolating yourself from others is bad for your health, but I feel like I'm probably safer this way (I cut most of my family members off because I know they dislike me) because I have developed a deep mistrust of others. I don't think that I deserve a healthy friend group, friendships, or relationships.
What Album Currently Speaks To Your Soul?
Music & Dance / by PopPunkPrincess17
Last post
 March 19th
...See more As the question asks above, I want to ask the community what music album currently speaks to their soul or holds a deep personal meaning to them. It can be for any particular reason or associated with any kind of emotion, person, place, thing, event, or memory. Currently, my album is Everchanger by Invent Animate, even though Greyview is what got me into the band. The most notable song from this album Everchanger is Luna, where the lead vocalist Marcus Vik screams about the loss of his brother and the painful memories and emotions associated with this grief. "Forced to fill your shoes and take on the world". "Now time has left me here to heal, the last thing that I want to do is feel". The entire discography of this band navigates emotions, pain, and life lessons learned. P.S. for anyone who doesn't like metalcore screaming vocals, this band also releases instrumental albums. Unfortunately, there is no instrumental version of Everchanger, but there are instrumentals of Greyview and Stillworld, and they plan to release a new instrumental album of Heavener tomorrow.
LONG VENT: The Drama Happened Over A Year Ago and It Still Consumes Me Inside.
Depression Support / by PopPunkPrincess17
Last post
 February 15th
...See more I have been suffering from depression, low self-esteem, self-loathing, and trust issues for years after realizing that many of the people that I knew in high school whom I previously thought were my friends were actually bullying me, talking about me behind my back, and using me for their own personal benefit. Ever since then, I have taken the steps to not come across as that annoying, insufferable person that I was roughly 5-6 years ago, because the words still stick with me to this day, and I still feel the shame of how my past words and actions have affected my peers. For reference, in high school I was one of those people who religiously consumed dank meme content and spent unhealthy amounts of time on YouTube and social media. Back then I labeled myself as apolitical, but was falling down the "alt-right pipeline" of Content Cop, Pink Guy, Change My Mind with Steven Crowder, Blaire White, and SJW Owned Compilations. I laughed at a lot of offensive, racist, and sexist content and memes, despite labeling myself a feminist. Around 2020, I finally broke free from this pipeline after educating myself on racial history, social justice issues, and how they affect both myself and my loved ones. I now identify as left-leaning, although unsure of whether or not I am liberal or radical left. My fourth year of college, I was finally looking forward to making some friends, since I lost them all during COVID and have been struggling to regain those connections ever since. I ended up making a handful of meaningful friendships here and there, but had a hard time finding a social group of people where I felt truly welcomed (outside of the occasional hobby-based club). I formed a friendship with a guy from a mutual club that we were in that started off as very intense. He was the only person in this club that spoke to me regularly (everyone else in the club either would avoid talking to me or would keep a superficial connection with me). He would text me multiple times a day, and I eventually became hooked on the attention, because I had no one else (or so I thought). I was in a very bad place mental-health wise, and I thought that this friendship would finally be the cure for my loneliness, something to fill the void (bad thing to think, I know!) I knew deep down that this behavior was abnormal and toxic, since my friends that I have known for a long time will often wait a few days before responding to my messages or initiating conversations. The friendship became emotionally intense (at least for me). We had several late-night calls and deep, long, multi-paragraph conversations about various topics. In our club's *** server, he would always mention me and be the first to respond to my messages. I suspected that he had a crush on me, but I don't think I'm his type romantically (plus I am dating someone, although I will admit that this guy was, in fact, handsome). We hung out several times a week because he was nearly ALWAYS available. Although, at times his behavior made me uncomfortable (especially with some of the memes he would share), and sometimes would trigger me because it reminded me of the person that I used to be back in high school (he is one of those engineering major dank meme guys). We began fighting and arguing more and more, and at times I thought he hated me or didn't respect me, so I distanced myself to avoid further pain. Somehow, on top of the constant texts, I would always run into him in-person, or at least see him within my field of vision, like he was haunting me around campus (Could it be fate? Who knows?). He would snap at me in my DMs, then mention me in the club *** like nothing happened-- I have a hard time reading tone over text at times, so it was hard to tell what he was thinking. One day, he blocked me on *** and ***, and I broke down crying that night. When I confronted his friends asking what was wrong, he sent me multiple angry paragraphs unloading all of the things that went wrong in our friendship, including things that we cleared the air about months ago. I had an upset stomach for roughly a week. I got so scared that I expressed my fears to all of my friends about him potentially hurting me or lashing out at me (bad move on my end-- constitutes as gossiping/spreading rumors). When we finally came back to campus, it was as if nothing had happened. We managed to fix things and start over again, and I thought our friendship was fixed. But I was right all along-- it was over after that. He made some new friends in the club that eventually turned on me. He turned cold and mean. He and his friends even made up things about me that were not true to "get revenge". I eventually got banned from the club ***. I had to go see a therapist for six months to gain clarity, wondering if everything was my fault. It felt like I had no social support system within the club, and no one really took my side. To this day it still kills me inside. I wish I had left the situation sooner, I wish I had the spine to say no and cut him off before things got worse. Now I am the one left to pick up the pieces while he is doing great things with his life in his fourth year of undergrad. I have considered going on antidepressants or getting an evaluation for a mental illness because I genuinely think that something is wrong with me. Maybe I was a snowflake, maybe I was overreacting or starting unnecessary drama. But I just wish he would've taken accountability for the things that he did.
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