How do I cope..

@ConcernedWife2017

Hello there ConcernedWife2017 🌸

Sorry for all the negative things you have been dealing with. It's surely impacting on your mood and emotions, that's understandable 💙

Grief needs its time to heal, unfortunately it's not something we can adjust with, in few days/weeks. Support and care is the key for the healing path, do you have chance to be supported by your partner, any close friend or someone in the family? Open communication about your feelings is important, glad you have been able to do that on here 🤗

The situation with your daughter I remember to be something that really concerns you and despite some red flags saw also by someone else in your family, it seems like she is not perceiving his behaviors same negative way, is that correct?

I hope you can still surround yourself of things you like and think about your self care in between of everything, that would be really important to balance the negative emotions and to prevent health problems because of it. Sometimes when it's too much things could erode our own healt/wellbeing.

Sending you good vibes and feel free to come and share whenever you feel to 😊

@MeaningfulSilence

Hello. Thank you so much for taking time to read my rant and answer back. I appreciate it very much.

Thank you very much. It surely has been impacting my mood. Very much.

You are correct. And everyone is different with grief and the time it takes to heal from it. There is no set time to heal for anyone, I understand that. This has been 3 years for me, for my dad. The other people I have lost have been around the same time, some longer, some shorter. It’s all just so crazy. I know it is part of life, but every single one of these people died at a young age. Some younger than others. It’s hard to grasp. My husband has helped me when I needed it. I don’t tend to bring it up with other people because I don’t want to feel like a burden. 7 cups has been a blessing at times for me when I need to get things off my chest.

Yes. You are correct. My daughter is not seeing her bf’s behaviors as negative. I’m starting to wonder if it will sink in and I am hoping it does soon. Since the last time I posted about their relationship, something bad happened that I can’t bring up on here. And that honestly now has me extremely worried for her safety with him. I have an even worse gut feeling now than I did before that something bad will happen to her if she stays in the relationship. I am praying and hoping every single day that she will see his bad behaviors and that she will leave.

I try so much to do the things I love and I still do them as much as I can, but at times, those things do not even help. My mind is in overdrive with all these thoughts about everything and it’s getting to me. I try so hard to let go, but some of these things are just there. Hard to forget, you know? Especially with my daughter’s situation 😢

Thank you for the good vibes. I am hoping something gives here soon. Thank you for messaging me back.

@ConcernedWife2017

I can understand how it's difficult to forget about your daughter, because it's a situation worrying you on daily basis. It's there, no way. Sorry to hear that something more negative happened, I remember you saying you two have an open communication, hope that it keeps being strong and strustworthy so that at a point it will help you both looking at problems in order to find a solution.

When someone dies at young age is always harder to face, without comparing any grief, just to agree that it's really difficult to accept. Miscarriages are surely impacting for every woman's life, the hospital didn't offer you the psychological support a woman should have?

Also losing our ''furry friends'' isn't a joke.

Glad that coming on here is of help, keep on coming to share if it helps because you deserve all the care you can receive 💙

@MeaningfulSilence

Yes. I mean as parents we never stop worrying about our children, but when a situation comes up like this, it’s even harder. We do have an open communication, but it seems like she leaves stuff out when she talks to me about him. The reason I found this out is because of another conversation that she had with a family member. Then I have seen and heard the way he talks to her sometimes. I think she might be scared to bring it up. I’m not sure.

Yes, I mean a death is hard to deal with as it is, but when someone passes at a younger age, it makes it that much more difficult.

The hospital did not offer me anything at all after I had my miscarriage. I’m not sure why that is.

Yes. Losing a fur baby is just as hard as losing a human being. They become family and you love them just the same.

Thank you so much. 💜 Sometimes I feel like if I bring some of this stuff up to a friend or family, they judge or get irritated that I talk about it. I certainly don’t want anyone judging my child because even though she has her own thoughts, she can be swayed to someone else’s. And unfortunately, I’ve seen it.

@ConcernedWife2017

I totally understand ConcernedWife2017, you can come here and share, without worrying that you or your daughter will be judged, you certainly don't need more worries!

I wish you that the new coming week won't be too difficult and hopefully there will be some positive things for you.

Take care!

@MeaningfulSilence

Thank you. I wish too that there will be no more worries for me on top of everything else that I already have to worry about. Thank you so much.

Hey, it is nice to see you back again.

I know that you are dealing with a lot. It also does tend to feel like griefs pile up on top of one another.

What kinds of things are you doing for yourself during the day in the way of distraction? Are you able to talk to anyone and get some therapy? @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

Hello. Thank you. I am hoping some of this will “fix” itself, but I don’t have a great outlook for that happening.

I am currently looking into some different types of companies who do therapy because I don’t know what else to do. Too much is going on and it’s taking a huge toll on me.

When I am actually able to, I listen to music, take walks, read, play a video game, paint, draw- all the things that I love to do. Except even those things don’t tend to take my mind off of certain situations. It’s really tough right now. I can’t even explain how the situation with my child and her bf is worrying me to my core. It’s not a good feeling.

I know how much it is worrying you, but the more that you can focus on those distractions the better. You are doing all you can for your daughter and need to trust that she will find her way back to her senses. If she starts cutting off contact with you that is a different issue, but at this point focus on those things that you can do to care for yourself. @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

I try on a daily basis to surround myself with all of those things when I can and when I get time for them. It’s just so hard to focus on those alone when all of this is going on.

I am hoping she doesn’t cut contact off with me. That would be devastating. I will say however that things with her have changed a bit. I’m noticing more and more that she’s kind of becoming a different person. I am seeing more and more of her bf’s influence on her. I know everyone says she has her own mind, and she does, but she also can be pressured into things or manipulated. When those things happen, it’s hard to see.

The differences I’m seeing with her are many things. She used to always be about doing stuff with me. She would always ask to. Now, not so much. She used to text me in the morning when we got up for work and her for school. She would text it’s time to get up (if she didn’t know if I was up yet or not). She doesn’t do it anymore. She has blamed me for stuff that he has done/pulled. Like one day he didn’t come over to see her- she didn’t blame him, she blamed me. It was his fault. She lied about a situation the other day and has never done that before. She’s on this kick that she can do anything, no matter if it’s safe or not. These are only some of the ways that he is a huge problem.

I agree that he is an issue and that you have reason to be concerned. But just worrying is causing you to spin your wheels. Any time that you can focus on other stuff is valuable.

Your daughter is experimenting and growing right now. Yes, it is in dangerous ways, but it will make her into a more complete adult. You said before that you raised her well. Watching her spread her wings is hard, but you are the ones who built those wings. @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

I am as much as my heart and head let me focus on those other things.

Sorry for the venting. My thoughts on this- You are right, my husband and I did raise her well. We taught her what’s right from wrong. I explained bad situations and bad relationships to her when she was old enough. Sometimes those teachings can go astray. Especially when her bf is being manipulative and controlling, it’s easy for her to lose site of who she is and what she’s doing. And of course, it doesn’t make her a bad person, because she’s not. It’s just easy to give in to pressure. And the bf is using that to his advantage.

I’ve heard some of his little guilt trips he puts on her. It’s ridiculous. I’ve seen people become someone they are not in situations like this. All it takes is one wrong mistake to continue down a path that is no good, even if you are taught better than that. I’ve seen it happen many times with people who were brought up like my daughter was.

I envy people who don’t have to go through this, because this is absolutely heart breaking to me. I’m really scared for her life. He’s went from calm to *** off in literally one second. She’s different because of him. It’s visible. It’s beyond scary. How can I not worry.

Unless you think that you can get her to leave (which she will hopefully do) it is hard. Keep reminding her what a beautiful person that she is (especially if he is putting her down or making her not trust herself). Have a plan in your mind for what to do if she decides to go and he doesn't want to let her. Keep trying to do things with her alone even if she says she doesn't want to. In those moments, don't mention him at all. Let her see what life looked like without him a bit whenever you can even if it is 5 minutes.

Otherwise, just worrying and crying and telling her how concerned you are is only going to hurt you. She could pull further away. @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

I told her part of my worries before, at the beginning, but that was to the extent of it. This was before a lot of these things happened . I don’t tell her any more of my worries about him. I keep them to myself so she doesn’t see me as the bad guy here.

I personally am not trying to get her to leave, but I am hoping she will. I keep praying that she will see what he is doing and see that it is wrong. She’s smart, but she is blinded by him. It’s a new relationship. She probably feels like no one else wants to be with her. I just need her to see this. He’s not the right one for her. Maybe there is someone else out there for him who is like him and they would fit together better. My daughter is not like him. She’s better than that.

I try to do things with her on a daily basis. I still try all the time. I hope the day comes when she will let him go and if he tries to keep her, I will have a plan and I will step in. And thank you.

Then you are absolutely doing everything that you can do and you are doing it well. It is hard to wait on things to evolve, but the best thing that you can do is to care for YOURSELF as you wait. Focus on distracting yourself and self care. @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

I’m really trying. It’s really hard with these bad thoughts that keep popping in my head. I know all I can do is wait and pray that she sees the bigger picture or sees the light. It’s bothering me that it’s taking so long. I literally can’t even sleep because my brain is working overtime right now worrying what’s about to happen. The feeling gets stronger every day.

It is frustrating to have no control over the timeline here, but you don't. What you can do is focus on ways of de-stressing your body so that you can get to sleep. What kind of sleep routine do you have?@ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

I don’t get much sleep most of the time. Last night I may have gotten about 6 hours. That’s higher than usual for me. I try to get more, but something always wakes me up or gives me trouble with falling asleep.

Tell me a little more about your bedtime routine. Maybe there is something to adjust there to make sleep a little easier. But I know it is just hard in general when you reach a certain age. Making sure that I sleep is the only reason that I still take anxiety medication. @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

I usually wind down a little before bed. Watch tv sometimes and then relax in bed for about a half hour until I try to fall asleep. As soon as I lay down and don’t have a distraction, that’s when all the thoughts come racing back into my mind. All while just laying there closing my eyes.

Sorry that I didn't get back right away. We have been on a short vacation and return tomorrow.

You are doing good things to try to wind the day down. Some people do best with less screen time in the evening but that doesn't work for me. I usually do 7 cups right before bed. Helping other people gets me less focused on my own issues. You could also try things like puzzles or meditation.

Sometimes when the thoughts get bad as I am trying to go to sleep, I either repeat mantras like "I trust things will go well" while deep breathing or just breathing in on a four count and out on a four count. @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

No problem. I hope your vacation was good.

I don’t do a lot of screen time, it’s honestly only for a short period of time. I also come on 7 cups to see how others are dealing with their problems and see if someone needs some words of encouragement.

I also try to tell myself that things have a way of working themselves out. Even though this situation doesn’t seem to be doing that and it’s not looking good from my end.

Since this “issue” happened with my child and her bf, we have been kinda of keeping certain things at bay with outings when it comes to her. It’s causing her to be upset with us and just tonight, it caused a problem with my husband yelling at me over it. I’m being a responsible parent, and I feel like the bad guy here. And that feeling sucks. I know I’m in the right with my decisions, but it doesn’t feel like it when I’m getting screamed at and my child is upset with our decision. Sometimes I wonder how I could ever go through as much as I do.

What kinds of outings are you talking about? @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

Any outing with them 2 alone because I don’t trust him. He gave me a really huge reason not to trust him not long ago. That’s why I was saying in my post at the beginning that I am scared for my daughter’s life.

But forbidding them to be alone together means that they will sneak out and things will become even more dangerous for your daughter. Young people are very much in need of making their own decisions or thinking that they are doing so. When they become resentful or feel that they are being controlled, then they lie more and are less likely to trust adults. You need to trust them in order for them to trust you.

I totally get that he is dangerous for her, but them running away together is the worse case scenario. Consider finding ways to compromise to keep that from happening.

I know what I am asking is very, very hard. But your daughter is quite clear at this point that you hate her boyfriend (and thus hate all of her decisions in her mind - she sees it as thinking she is a child rather than an emerging adult). Trying a different approach might work better. @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

They are still allowed to hang out and be alone together, and they have plenty of times. They just do not go driving places together. I can’t state what happened on here, but he put her in a very, very dangerous situation and that was where this came into play. Her life could pretty much been put on the line. That’s not something we are ok with. It’s not forever, it’s just until we feel better about it and he shows that he can be more responsible and that we can trust his decisions. We are giving him that chance, even though 100% honestly he shouldn’t have a right after what he did. I’m not going to let him put my daughter or her life in danger again like he did that night. This was her choice of a consequence (not ours) of what would happen because of him doing that because she was partially at fault for hopping in the vehicle with him. This is where the whole him influencing her decisions comes in as well. He talks her into things. Even though she is an adult and makes her own decisions, she’s still not thinking 100% clearly when it comes to things with him.

We never told my daughter we hated him. We always just say something along the lines of that wasn’t the best choice and do you understand what could have happened that night. It’s all truthful things. Lessons. She knows she is an adult, but she also knows what is right and what is wrong. That’s why when we sat down and talked to her, we asked her what she thought was a good way to avoid this again, and she chose for them to do what is going on right now.

Actually that does sound like a pretty good way to handle things - letting her make the choice of how to manage things in the future so the problem doesn't happen again. If it was something like drunk driving, I totally get it.

I am guessing that she is having trouble with the follow through - yes, I agreed to do this but it is really limiting me in practice. That is a sign of immaturity but she is also learning as she goes the real consequences of things and that is never fun.

Maybe you can think in terms of mini steps forward in another month or so. Short drives rather than long ones, daytime drives instead of night time.

You are doing good things and making good choices as a parent. But them growing up is painful and stressful for everyone. @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

Thank you. We felt it was a better way of dealing with the situation and letting her know that there are still consequences for making bad decisions. Kind of giving the feeling of when you become an adult, there will always be a consequence for any decision you make- good or bad.

She is having a little trouble following through with it, but it’s his influencing her. He asks her to ask us. They both have part in it though. She has asked to be able to go. When we say no, she gets upset with us. We give her alternative methods, like hey- you can do this, just not that yet. And we let her know it’s not forever. We told her hey, it’s the consequences of the action. We told her we know it’s not fun, but you need to realize that something really bad could have happened. And we are not ok with it.

Yes, definitely. We will be revisiting different steps soon as a way to get her back to doing the normal things she did with him. I hope she learned the lesson we were/are teaching her from this. ***- I hope HE learned more. My daughter would never have put his life in danger. Not sure why he thought it was ok.

As more times goes on (even though it’s still a very short period of time), I’m noticing him becoming more of a “jerk” towards her. There is a better term for it, but the word is inappropriate for on here. He is rude towards her with the way he talks/treats her. Telling her things like her opinion is not needed when she tries to express it. Keep her thoughts to herself. Guilting her for things. Making fun of her with certain things. She’s not picking it up, and I’m not sure why. Makes me wonder if guilted her into staying with him some how or some way. She knows better than that. It’s bothering me more now since it’s gotten worse. Some of the things are new. I keep praying and hoping she will see the light.

Thank you. We are trying our best to make the best choices as parents for our kids. Growing up is definitely hard. Very stressful. I know it’s not always easy.

You are doing a great job of parenting. Keep it up.

How is caring for yourself going? That will help is being strong in moving forward with your daughter if you have the physical and emotional strength. @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I am trying to feel better with all of this going on. It’s been extremely hard. I do the normal every day things I need to still. Just trying to be ok with this whole situation until she realizes that he needs to go is what has me feeling really uneasy.

I would feel uneasy too. But the more that you can just accept that as an emotion rather than dwelling within it, the easier all of this will hopefully be. What did you do for yourself today? @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

Thank you. It’s not that I am dwelling on it “technically”, it’s the different things that happen almost daily with him and with their interactions. So even if I wanted to forget that one thing that happened that day, another comes up the next day. Especially something I just heard when they were talking. I am so angry right now.

Yesterday, I had a bunch of stuff to do. Dishes, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, dinner. In between laundry, I played a game. And that’s about it. I don’t get much time for myself. I’m always having something to do. Work, chores, errands, laundry- always busy.

I am always busy as well so I know where you are coming from on that front. One thing that helps me mentally is doing a daily online jigsaw puzzle from Jigsaw Explorer. They are pretty simple and you can stop and start them throughout the day. What it really helps me with is that regular feeling of "I will never get this together" or "That piece is not going to fit anywhere." I say those things in real life too. So when I solve the puzzle it helps me realize yet again that all puzzles are solvable, including the relationship ones. But different things work for different people. @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

I like to do puzzles as well. I do them once in awhile and I also downloaded a game online where I can do them. I have not done that in awhile though.

It might help a bit to fit time in your day to try that again. @ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

Thank you. I do try to fit stuff in for myself on a daily basis, if I can. If I can’t seem to, I try the next day. I wish it was easier to do.

I wish that it would all go away for you magically, but it doesn't work that way. Caring for yourself is the best that you can do right now. So that is what you do.@ConcernedWife2017

@bestVase7265

if only everything was that easy in life. Things would be and could be better.

Sorry for the delay in answering. I’m trying to figure things out the best way I can. Things have gone in the direction of bad to worse regarding the relationship. Just wondering to myself if there is a way to stop this before it goes to the worst case scenario.

There really isn't much that you can do at this point except to love yourself and to love her. @ConcernedWife2017

@ConcernedWife2017

Hi 🙂

How was your Monday so far?

Let's cross our fingers 🤞 and maybe things won't be too difficult this week!