Has anyone used the therapist on here
Good evening to you all,
I am hitting a breaking point, I am losing control of hiding it. I don't trust therapists due to a bad experience, but at this point if I don't find one that I can trust time is going to win.
Any and all advice/guidance from anyone that has used a therapist on here is greatly appreciated. Thank you
I haven't used one on here, but I know that finding the right fit can be hard. I have gone through a number myself.
I guess it helps for me to think of it as a critical dance. I have no choice but to do the dance if I want to feel remotely better.
I know that I will probably dread each upcoming appointment and afterwards I will feel drained. But usually when I look at myself a few days later I realize that not having all the evil in my head anymore has lightened my load a bit.
But it being a dance means that I need the right partner. If the other person or therapist can't dance then that isn't my fault. We just weren't dancing at the same speed to the same tune. So I have to try for a new partner.
Therapists won't always say the right things. They are human too. They will sometimes point out things that are painful. But that is ultimately good. So the more that you can think long term progress versus short term pain the better.
Does that help?@DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
Good evening,
That was very well written. It hit the parts of my last attempt with a therapist that I did not like, immediately having a final move for any issue that I just needed to talk or vent about. I developed my own opinion now, so it'll be even harder to take on another ones point of view, but at this rate I have to give in.
Trying to hide breakdowns from everyone around me is taking a big toll. My appearance has become nothing pleasant as I gave up on myself during the last year in order to help everyone around me with their afflictions. I will try a few on here and see how they are, I really hope I don't encounter the same let down from my previous one. Thank you for your advice ❤️
You CAN do this and it is good that you have reached a point where you recognize that help will get you feeling better faster.
Feel free to add to this thread any time that you want and I will respond within 24 hours usually. Having others on a similar journey on your side helps. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
Thank you for your offer, with a full heart I appreciate it. It has been very tough to find someone to talk to as my circle can't seem to break the chains of addiction, which keeps me from fully opening up to them. I hope you are doing well, you have been a name that has popped up often enough to remember you.
Well this is a great spot to fully open up without any fear of being judged or outed. I am in touch with a bunch of people every night.@DanDrisco
No need to open up a vein. I totally get wanting to get to know someone before you let them into your story. I am the same way.
I simply met if you wanted to start a general, friendly conversation about how your day went or you just want to tell me a little more about yourself that is always fine. Baby steps are perfect.
@bestVase7265
Good evening, I hope you are doing well.
Forgive my tardy response time, I did not know that you responded. I am open for conversation, although lately I am having a very difficult time with creating topics in the real world to talk about. I chose the road less traveled somewhere along the way and it has me in a not okay state. Now I am stuck in limbo with finding a way out of it but any choice or move that I make backfires in tenfold, so now I am in such a state of fear that I don't move.
I am not handing grieving very well, I never had to face these kinds of obstacles before. I am in the process of finding a therapist, and at this point I'm going to take whatever one I can get because nothing is getting easier. On the bright side of things, I grabbed some wood to get back into making birdhouses, but I need to get a new saw tomorrow so I can start ASAP
Never worry about when you respond. I am totally on your timeline.
I can totally understand both that grief and the feeling of paralysis. When you begin to feel that every decision that you make has tons of weight attached to it then it becomes really hard to move. But each step is actually tons of little steps where you can't quite see what direction you are going. But the path becomes clearer the more steps that you take.
Tell me a little more about the "road less traveled" that you have embarked on. It sounds interesting. I too am on a road that few people travel. But I found being true to my inner self was much more important than how many people were taking the same path.
I also love the idea of wood working. Anything that you can do to put your mind outside of that constant worry and grief is good. What kinds of bird houses do you build?@DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
You summarized the grief and feeling of paralysis to a T, that actually brought me some relief that someone out there has an idea of what it's like. I recently got into smelting metal, I'm no pro by any means but it was something that I never thought I would try and it brought me some sort of inner peace. However, as of late whenever I would try to go back to it there is always a roadblock that makes the task impossible for the day, so I would just go back to sitting still.
The road less traveled was mostly a full disconnect from my old habits. I used to play video games and doom scroll the Internet every 5 minutes, and one day I just stopped. I uninstalled everything that made my phone a computer (excluding this app) I sold my computer, I don't watch TV and boxed up all of my collectible systems which are collecting dust in storage.
After this "digital detox" as its being called happened, I started to find myself in a very lonely world. My wife will have the TV running while wearing headphones listening to YouTube videos, the majority of my friends will talk to me while doom scrolling on their phones and forgetting what the conversation is about, people are driving watching full blown movies with no regards to the road.
This reality broke my heart, I searched for someone that doesn't require this amount of dopamine and found nobody. If I point out these flaws to my wife I am called "a f***ing a**hole" if I stop conversation with a friend who lost track of the subject it becomes awkward. It's a very lonely world to me now, and I don't know how much more I can take of it.
I have built a few things, from large scale planter boxes to birdhouses and I am currently working on combining my new metal melting thing with woodwork to make some address plaques. I can't add photos on here for some reason but I think I made a link for the two birdhouses I have made.birdhouse
Oh, you are so right about people being absorbed in technology and then looking around and you feeling lonely. I haven't been able to be as brave as you and get rid of tech, but I do strongly recognize all of the dangers that it entails. There are like-minded people out there who fear or hate tech, but it takes a while to find them. People are often at different stages on that journey - some can go cold turkey like you did and others want to slowly improve. They really actually value human connection if they are reminded often enough of what they are doing. That is the category I fall into. So maybe start by having some conversations with friends or family members who have some interest in some kind of mini-detox. Maybe you can suggest one meal out with no phones. Keep it really simple. They will see the joy of that moment and then want more. Your wife might even go for that single meal idea. But some people don't want to see the danger that they are in yet. So you just need to keep a wide berth around them.
I love the idea of wood and metal working. You are right that those can really be grounding for you, but your depressed brain might suggest reasons to keep you from them. It is the kind of thing that you have to force yourself to do a bit. It is really healing.
There are lots of other things too. One that I do is to sing in a group. That definitely keeps me from my phone for a bit and the corporate breathing helps to settle me. It's the reason that I am one night late with this message. Sorry about that.
Different things work for different people. Keep trying lots of little things if the wood and metal work doesn't feel right right now. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265 this disconnection has been very eye opening. I do fear that if for some reason the grid was to go down there would be a far worse crisis than those that exist now. There was an instance where the WiFi went down and my wife's hub for her plant stuff wouldn't reconnect, I never seen a person get as red as she did in anger demanding me to fix it.
Although my new furnace was a dud and made me walk away from metals again, I ordered some new crucibles last night and when I got them today I got to seasoning them. It felt good, but now I am at this new challenge of what to make. All that I need is to get one good pour that doesn't need as much doctoring as my recent ones and I will feel more confident in that.
I also bought a new saw to get a birdhouse started, I am currently brainstorming a new design that is not too intricate so I can get that done quickly and get some confidence rebuilt there. For now I'm going to remelt these errors and make some shot which is pretty fun and simple, find a good model to mold and try again in the morning.
I feel somewhat better, not as checked out as I was but still feel like I could do more. Also, never be sorry for a late response, I am glad to hear you have found an outlet to regain a settling in yourself. All of my singing is in the car and the sounds produced are not something I would make anyone endure, but it does feel good to exercise my lungs.
So do you ever build birdhouses that are a combination of wood working and metal work? I am not even sure that would work because the hot metal might damage the wood. Both projects sound extremely interesting. I am glad that you have a better furnace now. I am sure that will help you create some really nice pieces. Having the right temperature is so important for metal.
You are right that if the world lost their internet that there would be tons of very upset people. But it might work a little like COVID when we were all forced inside and forced to spend time with one another. I just try to look for every bit of peace that I can find, even if it is short. I was at dinner tonight with 7 family members and we all looked at our phones very rarely. I think that I looked for 30 seconds once to look up a fact and then again for 1 minute later on to show people where one of my sons was on vacation at that moment. Instead we just talked to one another. It was very nice (and a bit loud). Again, it didn't last more than an hour but that time was really precious.
There are lots of people who find a great deal of comfort in meditation when they are struggling mentally. I am not really one of them. That is one of the reasons that I sing. The deep breathing is kind of like meditation but without the trying to control my thoughts part. I imagine that when you do wood working or metal work that you are also meditating on some level. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265 I have not combined the two just yet. However, today I woke up and something pushed me to make one thing in full. I decided to make some Viking rune stones with silver which turned out pretty good. I considered making them my new daily carries but due to them being too heavy I decided against it.
Eventually after thinking about exactly what to do with them, I decided to make a wooden case for them. The case was not in any way perfect, but neither am I, so I personally appreciated the imperfections. Once it was finished, I decided to give it to a neighbor that I reached out to around this time last year. I am ashamed to admit that I have not had a full conversation with him and I am trying to break through the shy side of my self. I caught him going in his home, walked up to him and said I made it for him and immediately ran away.
I hope he appreciates it for what it's worth, he was the one who pointed me to this app which has been a good help to me. Someday, hopefully I can gain the courage to talk to him. It's good that time with your family is absorbed by all parties. Checking a phone is not too bad but when it's non stop the time is wasted. Creating those moments are more valuable than any substance on earth.
I tried meditating, but my spine is not my best friend so doing things with my hands is the best peace that I can find outside of driving. (Even if the rest of the drivers are pretty bad) today was the first good day that I had this year, almost the only good day in a full year. I didn't gain anything from my work, but even if that item gave him the slightest smirk that is all that matters to me. I may be suffering now, but making someone else feel good is enough for me to wake up the next day.
I remember you talking about that neighbor before in a previous conversation!! I am so glad that you reached out. I am sure that was a challenge but it is so awesome that you gave him something meaningful. I bet that he really appreciated it. The rune stones in the wooden case sound great. How do rune stones work exactly? Are they kind of a touch stone that you can return to again and again for grounding? If so, what a meaningful gift! If your neighbor pointed you towards the app, then I bet that the neighbor also recognizes the value of that kind of grounding. Who knows, maybe it was something that he needed at that very moment which is why you felt compelled to share it.
It is great that you felt the day was a good one. That can be so hard to admit when you are suffering from depression. It is kind of like "where did that come from" and "how do I get another"? It usually takes a bit to get more than one in a row, but it happens slowly but surely. It is a bit hard to trust those moments. May you at least have a few good hours tomorrow.
Notice how much it helped to be making things with your hands. That is an awesome way of meditating. We all do that kind of thing in our own way. Even on my bad days, I try to find at least one moment where I really ground myself and just be. Today for me was while I was out to lunch with a couple of friends (no phones). I knew that there was a very old tree across the street from where we ate, so I suggested that we stop by and admire it after eating. It was a giant live oak between 300-500 years old. I think that my friends were a little freaked out by all the caterpillars around but I thought they were pretty awesome too. Nature is simultaneously beautiful and messy. around.@DanDrisco
@bestVase7265 I am not fully sure what they do as the definition of their meaning and uses seems to be so broad. One says they are for magic, another says they were a form of communication. I am hoping that communication is the one that defines it since I can't seem to get words out to talk to him.
I like that you admired a tree, I have been getting more in touch with the outdoors lately (birds seem to have been the main component that finds me) and I have taken initiative to pick up any random trash that I see laying around to do my part in helping fix the issues growing over nature. The few times that I find myself smoking cigarettes, which I can't even stand that I do that still, I no longer throw the butt out and instead collect them in a bottle or hold onto it until I am near a trash can.
Small acts like this have become a big thing to me, and now I get disgusted when I see some people throw trash out of their cars while driving. I have not hit the plateau of confrontation but it's pretty messed up it's as big of an issue as it is. I hope you are well, and glad you had a good day with friends
I too like to pick up trash when I am out walking. It makes me feel like I am making a small dent somewhere. Everything helps.
I like to look at birds a great deal too. They are fun to watch and listen to. I will admit that I learn a bit more about what nature I am looking at using two apps - Seek (for nature in general) and Merlin (for birds). I am probably not using them in quite the right way (oh, look a blue jay I already checked that off the list so he isn't all that thrilling), but they do allow me to stop what I am doing and really look and learn.
Today my moment was when I was sitting outside reading a book (because the guys in the office next to me were too loud) and a small bug crawled into my phone. It was just such an interesting thing to look at. I had to be really careful to get it move without killing it.
Did you see or do anything special today that connected you to the world? @DanDrisco
@beztVase7265 today started out a bit strange. I have not slept a full night since December and last night was no exception. I did get to sleep around 5am and woke up around 630 from a very vivid yet confusing nightmare. I get very bad migraines, bad enough to disable me for 2-3 days needing a dark room.
My nightmare involved getting a slight migraine and my friend and an old ex took me to the hospital. Joe Rogan was my doctor and stuck a needle with some kind of crap in my neck, saying that it won't stop it and that I had around one or two days left to live. He took off my one jacket and that alone shortened my life time by half.
My friend and my ex went to a baseball game and I told Rogan that I needed to make sure they got there okay, so I walked to the game. When I got there the valet was giving them a hard time, so I gave him my second and last jacket which left me with a few hours of life. When I got into the stadium, they were gone.
So I went to a coffee shop near where I live and as I was staring out the window, Jesus himself (crazy, I know) walked by so I ran outside and stopped him. He said that he was there for me, and it was my time to go. As he reached at my chest to take my soul, my friend seen this from across the street and tried to run over and stop him from taking me, but a bus sped past blocking sight of it happening. As it passed by, me and Jesus were gone.
Not exactly sure what to make of this but as I woke up in the real world, I started to get a headache which scared me quite a bit. So I went to this friends house later on to tell them about this nightmare and go on a walk around the neighborhood. There were quite the amount of birds, "free lumber" piles were everywhere which was strange, and there was a good amount of woodpeckers knocking at trees all around.
Today was very strange, but getting outside was a good day for what it was worth. I also had a pretty neat encounter with a big, an earthworm to be exact. It was nowhere near dirt, so we picked it up, wet some dirt further down the street and watched it burrow down. It's pretty cool to watch them do that. Which book were you reading, if you don't mind me asking?
So sorry that I didn't get to post last night. I just ran out of time.
It is impressive that you can remember your dreams so well. I am not nearly that good. I tend to just wake up with a vague sense of dread rather than really remember what happened. That dream does sound pretty intense and would have given me a headache too.
Part of all of this is not sleeping. It was always one of the most frustrating parts for me because it didn't feel as though I had control over it. I could eat well, drink water, get outside just fine. But I couldn't force myself to sleep. Every method that I tried didn't work. I finally ended up on some very mild sleeping medication. It is all that I take for my depression now. Once I start sleeping again things got better. I still don't sleep all that well some nights, but I am not up for hours.
It sounds like you managed to have a successful day in spite of the headache and lack of sleep. That is pretty impressive. Getting outside is just awesome. I love the fact that you saw the wood and heard the birds and saw the earthworms. Earthworms are neat creatures.
My day has been a bit housebound due to rain and lots of paperwork to handle. I also continued to read the book. It is called Uncommon Ground: Rethinking Human Place in Nature. It is an older book that is a series of essays about how our ideas of wilderness have changed over the years. I have read it a few times. It contains a classic essay by William Cronon called "The Trouble with Wilderness." I like pieces like that which force me to think in new ways. But I did manage to get out to the store to buy a floor lamp to replace the one that the cats broke. Now they are currently sitting under the new one relaxing.... Hopefully the heavy marble base will protect against them being klutzy. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
Good day to you,
It's been a while, my apologies. I have been playing catch-up with all of the things that I couldn't, rather ignored, get around to and took that touch of "just get it done" I long ago forgot about. I hoping to continue on this slight ripper that I have been on even though the tasks are miniscule it's better than nothing.
These nightmares of dying in some form or another have multiplied, but I'm trying not to let them overrule the fact that I am granted a new day swiftly after they end. I am working on the easy stuff now so I can put more time into the bigger obstacles ahead, which grow more by each passing day but can't allow that to slow me down anymore.
Cats and their destructive nature have always fascinated me. Watching my dog and his calmness is nice, but seeing the cats suddenly realize that they need to run back and fourth as fast as they can is something else. That forgotten brain power that a simple reading of a book can kickstart is quite the experience. I was never one for reading until a neighbor passed a book to me to read through, once I finished it I got hooked. I am going to order a copy of that book you are currently in and see what new thought processes it can bring me.
I hope you are doing well, it's nice to have a regular conversation with someone that doesn't bring politics or rerun topics into play. Make today yours 🤝
I am doing well. Thanks for asking.
No need to apologize for taking a few days off. I think that it is great that you are starting on smaller stuff in order to build toward larger stuff on your to do list. Having anything that you can check off is awesome. Ultimately, I think that it is all "big" stuff when you are trying to deal with mental health stuff on top of it.
Sometimes the bad mental stuff is a little like walking through jello. You can only sort of see the way ahead, everything takes more energy, and the floor wobbles.
I am sorry for all of the death images going through your mind. Those are never fun. Is there anything that you are trying to counterbalance them?
The cats have been good this week but they do suddenly start zooming around in the evenings.
I actually end up reading quite a bit due to my job. Overall, I enjoy it but I do look forward to summer when I can do more readings of anything that I want to read versus what I have to read.
I was able to squeeze in a haircut today which was nice, but it has been quite rainy since this afternoon. I am going on a bird walk tomorrow morning to look at raptors. It will be chilly but I am looking forward to it.
I think for my next answer that I will put something at the bottom of the thread so our messages don't get quite as squished. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
I hope the bird walk was a good time for you and happy to hear you got to get a good amount of reading in. I have been working on finding new places to go to for walks, although it's been tough to keep motivation to physically go.
I have not found a way to counter these dreams, and now I am dealing with a pretty rough stomach issue so that isn't helping. Trying to keep positive, it's been the hardest obstacle I have faced in this life. I want to do too many things and it's overwhelming, so I am working on a check list to get it on paper rather than flood my mind on top of all the other things up there.
This thread has gotten pretty long, I take it as a good thing since a conversation has been held for a decent amount of time. Hope your doing well
I am going to move my next comment down to the bottom of the thread so things don't get quite so tight.@DanDrisco
@DanDrisco hi sweetie ❤ I'm in therapy, I've heard a few other people talk of bad experiences with therapists. But please realise, in therapy your the one who's in control ok? You don't have to say or talk about anything you don't want to, at any time you can cancel or walk out. And if you don't get on with that particularly therapist you can ring the company to change to a different therapist at any time ❤ I'm in the UK, so it might be a bit different here than where you are, but don't be afraid to reach out and try again. It won't be like last time. And don't forget I'm only a tag away ❤ if you need me I'm always here for you ❤❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤ time isn't going to win, we won't let that happen ok? How are you feeling right now? Huggs you tightly ❤
I wouldn’t try therapists on here. A lot of people have said they’re not very good in support and don’t help. I wouldn’t do online therapy. I would try to see someone in person. Face to face is always better. I see someone and I pay for them but it’s not much money and some will give you discounts or incentives. Keep trying to find right one. Do your research.
There are places on the nhs for therapy what are free but don’t know if it counts in your area. You can get a number sessions. You can find out from your GP and ask them. Local doctor. I would go to them.
@TreaureSeekers3thank God for the nhs ❤❤
@DanDrisco
I had my first therapist in 2022. I went through 4 of them before I found my current one who I am mostly happy with. I had a pretty bad experience too with an overworked therapist who constantly forgot the bare basics of who I am. Like mistaking me for a teenager levels of forgetting.
It can seem very traumatic to deal with a bad one when you're already in crisis. I lean heavily on 7Cups Sharing Rooms and group talks.
My advice is before you go looking for one take a moment of self-reflection, meditate on it, make sure you're fed/watered and consider sincerely what you want/need.
Are you struggling with big emotions and need coping techniques?
Are you lacking in a safe space to talk and vent?
Are you struggling with something you need help with?
If you can articulate what you need, it'll help you find someone with the skillset to best fit you.
Also consider the kind of person you might work best with.
Do you prefer someone who listens more than talks?
The supporter who will be in your corner no matter what
Or the person who will challenge your way of thinking to force you to take different perspectives?
And don't be afraid to think you want it one way for awhile and then realize your needs change and you might want to change therapists.
I thought I needed a supporter to talk to but it turned out I needed someone to challenge my perspective to help me work through my struggles.
@darkiya thank you for your response. These are very good and valid points. Currently I am trying to find out exactly what I am in need of, as hesitant I am for this next step it is becoming more necessary than it has been in the past. I am shopping for one that will suit the need once it is discovered, for now I am just trying to keep distracted with making things in some sort of form.
@DanDrisco I am seeing a therapist on here. It's been a really good experience for me so far. I am using the text chat. I searched for a therapist who I felt could help me with some of my issues that I struggle with on here and have been happy with the therapist I have. I hope you will find the right therapist that you can trust. You can always change therapists on here if the one you have isn't helping you. Good luck hugs
@Taylorz27
I am very happy that you found a good therapist to confide in. My stubborn ways still outweigh my needs for that same outcome. However I am getting closer to giving in with each passing day, in the meantime I have been allowed to actually get back to creating, which has been a good temporary fix to staying in my own mind.
Our conversations have been going quite well which is why they have gotten so long. I enjoy them.
I am glad that you are walking more (or trying to find the motivation to walk). Sometimes walking in the same location also looks different each time so don't feel too much pressure to always be walking somewhere new. I typically walk around the same pond in front of my house and the same pond at my work. Every time I see something different. Today it was mainly stuff related to the eclipse. We weren't anywhere near the middle of it, but it was really weird to see how bizarre the shadows of the leaves were.
I am sorry about the stomach issues. I can imagine that those make it difficult to sleep on top of the dreaming as well. I know for me sleep is the most critical element to make sure that I don't end up in a bad emotional spot. But of course we don't fully control how much sleep we get. When I was at my worst, I started taking some very mild anxiety sleep aides and I have continued with them. It really helped turn things around. But first I tried all the typical natural sleep aids. Have you tried melatonin or anything like that?
You are doing a great job in trying to keep positive. I know how hard that is for you. It does all feel overwhelming, especially if the list is long. Sometimes one of the best things to do is to praise yourself for every little thing that you get done on the list. Nothing is too small.
What kinds of little things did you do today?
@bestVase7265
Hey sorry it's been a bit, been losing my progress lately. I bought one of those Elon musk flamethrowers to try and have some kind of fun, but the neighbors called the cops on me. Luckily the cops were cool, understood it was merely to test it out in a controlled environment.
Talked to my wife today about so many things happening with me mentally, and her response was that she didn't care. So I left, called it a day and sat here while the TV was doing that thing that it does to me. I hope you are well and everything is going good for you.
Sorry about the cop incident. That must have been quite unexpected. It sounds like you handled it well though.
I am even more sorry about your wife's lack of support. Sometimes people don't understand at all what this is like. From your previous messages, she sounded a little self-absorbed with social media, etc. I know when I first was really bad, my husband didn't understand either. But I think he began researching things a bit online and realized that I really needed support and help. I doubt that throwing a few online articles about depression your wife's direction would help, but you could try if you think that she might be more understanding.
How has the loneliness been lately? @DanDrisco
@comfortingSunshine62
I hope you are doing well,
I was not offended about them calling, I understand seeing something like that can be a bit worrisome, just happy that the situation was understood and not misconstrueded. When it comes to my wife, our marriage has been anything but teamwork related. I am not allowed to point out her obsessive spending on her plants, which I don't mind she has this hobby, but when the house feels damp at a constant I can't get her to understand what mold is and how it grows.
The loneliness part has been heavy. I feel like I lost a part of my mental state, the things that once brought me happiness no longer do. Watching TV is absolute torture now, music has become the same, even verbal conversation is now tough to endure. I have been isolating myself to the car and driving aimlessly in silence to find some sort of peace but my thoughts become a problem and cause me to breakdown. Life has began to suck to say the least, can't be around people and now I can't be around myself.
My only peace has been melting metals but I ran out so I have to wait a week or so for more to come in. I hope your day is going well
Sorry that your situation with your wife is rough right now and you are struggling with loneliness. I can imagine large amounts of plants starting mold. I am not good with plants myself and am more likely to kill them than my husband. But I have managed to get an orchid to bloom a second time which was a shock.
I too went through a period where anything that I used to enjoy felt like a chore because I hated myself and the world so much. I just withdrew inwards. But I decided to be really persistent about constantly trying new things to see if they might help. What might going to the library and picking up a book look like for you? Maybe that would be easier than TV right now. Driving around is okay but go to a park rather than staying in your car. Then you can walk around a bit.
You will find peace for yourself eventually. I am glad that the metal work continues to help a bit and hope that you get a new supply soon.
And come up with a moment that brings you peace each day to write down or record in some way. Mine today was a story that I read about some students in 1949 storming a medieval castle to protest a new beer tax. They locked the only guard in a closet and then pelted police with rotten fruit. It was just such a funny image of a castle where real battles had been fought hundreds of years ago being used for something silly.
Sending lots of strength. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
Thank you for all that you have said to me, it has been a very tough time finding a way to talk to someone about this without feeling that I would be looked at like an insane person (which even I feel this is grounds for the title). I am planning on trying a new metal smelting combination once they all arrive, which I hope can get me back to reality and not stuck in my head.
I have gone to a few parks but ultimately had to run back to the car so people didn't see me crying. I am looking for a new book to read I just have not found the one that caught my eye yet, I am looking in these "leave a book take a book" things around the area while leaving some canned goods in them for anyone who needs them.
The best parts about history are those moments where a disagreement is handled in a civil, and hilarious, manner. I always found the Boston tea party to be good since they technically made a harbor a giant cup of tea, feel like the world needs this kind of funny revolt nowadays. Could make a giant pie and have it dropped from an airplane or something like that.
I hope you and yours are doing great today
You are most certainly not an insane person. That is another way that your brain is lying to you. I am just here to remind you of that.
It is all very, very intense. So keep breaking it into smaller chunks and praise yourself often.
For instance, if parks feel overwhelming at the moment, start even smaller. Drive to the park but just sit in the car. Then practice just observing and listening to everything around you. Then go home and call that day a success. When you feel ready, expand just a little further. Go sit on the nearest bench for 5 minutes. Then call yourself done and go home. What you are trying to do is build up a new tolerance for the overwhelming sights and sounds that your brain needs to readapt to.
In terms of books, the little libraries can be great as long as they have books in them. Look for something light and easy. If you are feeling up to it, try the regular library which will have a wider selection. But again, you can practice the same thing that you do with the park. Sometimes just grabbing the first book that you find and trying it is good enough. If you don't like it after a chapter or so, just return it.
The metal smelting sounds awesome. I will love to hear about what you start to do with it. What kinds of metals are you going to get?
Yes, I agree funny rebellions are the best kind. We need to start making our protests less serious in general. The Boston Tea Party is a good one.
Ok, so now I need to think of my "moment" for today. It is actually a little harder for me tonight because I am feeling slightly off this evening. I guess that it probably would be sitting in the library waiting for a meeting to start. I suddenly saw my son walking down the path below. He goes to the school where I teach but I don't see him that often. So it was nice to see him from a distance greeting some of his friends. Sometimes the unexpected is good.
@DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
I have been doing the small steps towards the bigger goal and it has helped alot, so thank you for that. I found a book called "winning the war in your mind" which a friend recommended earlier in the year which helped them with a few ailments, hopefully I can soak up some key points in there for myself.
With the metals, I kind of went for broke and immediately started with silver, and now I am graduating to gold. I may have screwed up with not practicing with cheaper things like aluminum but I enjoy what the precious ones have instilled in me... Patience, paranoia of losing even a shaving and a more meaningful final product. When it comes to the self teaching aspect of things, I personally go for the toughest task so the rest become even easier than they already may be, although it is a very expensive lesson to teach myself this time around.
Once the world learns to lighten up a bit with the many issues we common people face and add some comical retaliation to it, I think things will be so much better than they ever have been.
I think your moment of that day was great. I can only imagine the feeling of surprise that you felt and the witnessing of his regular interactions brought, there is something beautiful about seeing a child's innocence in motion, granted I can only speak for what I felt watching my nieces and nephews grow up. My first niece was a memorable experience, I remember having to run around for "Sophia the first" merchandise and now she just wants basic teenager things.
Glad to hear that the little things have been helping. Sometimes it can be really hard to notice the influence that they are having, but you do slowly build up a tolerance.
I like the idea of working with precious metals. Maybe you can remind yourself as you do it that you are a precious metal also and the world doesn't deserve to lose any part of you. You are molding and shaping yourself into something new.
You are right that the world feels pretty far off the mark at the moment. But I do believe that we are working toward something better. We are going to figure out how to lighten up.
Watching young people and their excitement helps my hope. Even teenage young people sometimes. My moment today was getting a photo of my oldest son (age 24) with a look of joy on his face as he was in a room with someone very famous. It helped confirm to me that he is not only on a good path but also is on a path where he can be happy and fulfilled.
@DanDrisco
I love the idea of the gold/silver mix. That sounds like a beautiful color. I am glad that my comment about metal working helped a bit.
I just finished reading a great little book (forgive me if I have mentioned it before) called "Let Your Life Speak" by Parker Palmer. I highly recommend it. He talks a bit about his own mental health struggles and ends on a really interesting note. He basically says if we could just see the abundance around us that we could work better with one another and create the world that we want. The elements are all there waiting for us to see them.
Your tennis story reads like one of those elements. I totally agree that those are the kind of moments that we are looking for - simple and real. I am really proud of you for being able to get out and see that. It can be so hard when depression is hitting to do that.
The "love your neighbor" lifestyle of just letting them be to do what they want is the best path. I believe in it too.
Myself and my family are all doing well. We just got done my youngest son's final high school play weekend. He was in Little Shop of Horrors as the giant plant puppet. I remember when I found out I was really disappointed. It is one of my least favorite plays and his role didn't involve talking or singing. He wasn't happy that was his final senior role. But then I watched it three times. Seeing those kids throwing themselves with full abandon into their parts was pretty awesome. My son made that plant which was heavy and hard to move come to life. So I grew and he grew. And it is all about the growth.
@bestVase7265
That's amazing, I recently watched little shop of horrors. Although a part may not be as involved as others, it's all about what you make of it and it sounds like he nailed that part. I do not think that book was mentioned but it sounds interesting, the amount of things that are available in plain sight is something that needs more attention.
My metal thing seems to have evolved in a way, which has made me very happy as I preach evolution necessities in all aspects of daily life. I went from mediocre half finished pieces to roughly 86% finished ones which is advancement in my opinion. As I say with all things I make, "it isn't perfect and neither am I". That in itself is a hurdle that can't be passed as I am too critical on the things that I do 100% wouldn't be enough to me.
I am happy you and your family are doing well, and I am even happier that I found an ear that helped pull me out of the battle I took on with my shadow for even a moment.
It can be really hard to reach that great moment of acceptance that what we make isn't perfect and we aren't either and that is great. There is no such thing as perfection. Something is just better than what we did before because we learned something new. I am so happy that your pieces are teaching you that.
I am also thrilled that your battle with the depression beast continues to go your way. You are doing really great things to keep that happening.
Mine has been a bit tougher in the last few weeks, but I know that things will get better in about a week when the student who has been causing me a great deal of grief, anger, and self doubt finally graduates. So it is a waiting game at this point.
And I continue to stay focused on the little things. Today my son rescued a tortoise that he found in the middle of the road. It was obviously someone's pet. We took care of it for a little while in our backyard before he was able to turn it over to a rescue shelter who knew the right things to do. It was fun to watch it walking around the house. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
I am very sorry that you got one of the.... As I was called back in school days when acting a fool... Class clown of the bunch. I am sure that one day in the future they will have a moment of clarity as I did with a teacher that was treated poorly by myself and the entire class, and in that moment I hope that they have the courage to do what I could not and apologize for their behavior. So many people forget the hardships that teachers have to face, sure they can say they also have a hard time at home with them, but having 20+ revolving 8-10 hours a day in a room is not something most can handle.
Your profession is not one that a good majority of people could be able to do, all that you can do is your best and your best is always more than enough. Your son saving a tortoise is very nice to hear. Luckily it was him that saved it as most might not even have the mindset of it being a pet, let alone most don't know the difference between a tortoise and turtle which could have ended unfortunate.
I also have been finding myself back in a downward spiral. Trying to stay motivated but also want to give up this quest for meaning or purpose. Feel like I have to go back to a job that I won't enjoy soon.
Thanks. Things are a bit better now that graduation is over. Luckily, I teach college so I don't have quite as much time in the classroom, but I do build up relationships with students over the four years when they have me for multiple classes.
You are right about the tortoise thing. If it had been me, I would have aimed it toward a pond and would have killed it. But luckily my kids know more about nature than I do.
So sorry that the depression came back. It does do that from time to time. I remind myself at those moments that though it can be just as painful that it won't last as long. You have learned tricks over the last few months that help you get through things better.
You also have a better support network. So tell me about the job situation. Maybe we can brainstorm a solution together.
What was something that you saw today that brought you back into contact with your senses for a moment. Mine was seeing an osprey land really close on a branch overhead. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
The job situation in it's current state is non existent. I have been trying to come up with my own thing that not only sustains me and mine but also keeps my interests peaked, hence my continuation of the metal thing. I have invested quite the bit of funding into it (I knew it would be expensive going forward) and still have what I see as a large amount to still put into it.
My best friend was my first "paying customer" while I only charged him 1 dollar for the piece, it was motivating enough to invest again into this thing, whatever this thing may be. Going back to a 9-5 under another supervisor is what I am avoiding as I am too direct when I see unfair practices taking place towards myself or another colleague. Last night a neighbor asked me to make him some oil that I made my mom for pain, consisting of THC CBD and coconut oil, which is where my time was focused on today. Really hope it helps him as he is One of the few good neighbors left around here.
Today's sense contact was setting up a suet feeder for the birds which didn't mind my being close by. It would be pretty neat if I were to be able to befriend them enough to make some kind of contact which will take some time.
Those do sound like good things. If you want to keep working for yourself, maybe you can look for local markets where you might be able to sell either the metal pieces or the oils even. You are going to feel better if you start doing some research. That might involve a little computer work, but keep it really focused on where and when markets might be located and what the kinds of things that you are making usually sells for.
If that doesn't work and you do have to go back to find other things, what kinds of work might bring you more joy. Think outside of the things that you have done in the past.
I love the idea of the suet bird feeder. I am liking to spend time with birds more and more myself. can you see them using the feeder from a window? My moment today was some ice cream that we had with dinner. I hadn't eaten ice cream in a while and it was a new flavor. It felt a bit more like summer has really begun. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
I have considered selling these items but have not perfected them yet, so I just continue to practice along with trial and error. Today, I made two pieces called "forget me not", The first one I had trouble with the back due to cutting the button off too close, the second one came out pretty good After some intense sanding.
With work, I am trying my best to create something of my own, and am at the fork in the road of abandoning all progress made or putting 100% of everything that I have into it. The business realm is very scary and I have grown a new appreciation for the ones who have made something of their works.
The bird feeder is directly out front of the house so there is always, as I call it, a new reality show on each day that gives some soothing moments. I still procrastinate on making a birdhouse which wouldn't take too long to do, just wrapped up in the progress made with the metals which I will try to link with "here". today's moment was walking my dog and watching him look back with a little smile.here
I agree that the business realm is really scary. But like everything else, it is a step by step process. You can start slow and small and build towards something even better. You can also start at any point - do some regular work for 6 months while you are planning, work part time. You have options, not just two equally scary or not so fun paths. What do you think that your next step would look like (going any direction)?
It is great that you continue to work on such awesome pieces. You will get around to the bird feeder when you are supposed to.
I love your story about the dog smiling back at you. They do have quite goofy grins sometimes. Mine today was looking at a muscovy duck and her ducklings on a pond by our house. I now have an app called EBird (yes I know apps aren't the best) that allows me to identify and count the number of birds that I see. I have had the identifying one for a while but my son got me started on one where I just count numbers which go to researchers at Cornell University so they can know how many birds are out there. Well this duck had so many ducklings that I couldn't keep count. It was just tons of moving bits of cute yellow fur. There were at least 10 of them. @DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
I keep forgetting that I can do part time, which I wouldn't mind. With the hobby aspect, I would like to make it something of a physical keepsake for others in search of unique things, with the tech nowadays I could make a model of actual people or animals and create some kind of lasting artifact that can also hold some value.
With work, ideally I would like it to be in the same field so I am learning as I am working, it would be tough to get into such an industry but even doing a non paid apprenticeship would work until I am fit for a payout. Even a refinery would be decent so I can learn the science behind the scenes of things.
Seeing my pup happy is what keeps me going, it's the smaller things that I have come to learn a new appreciation for. Today, I visited a friend that I built a birdhouse for and it was visited by some cardinals and a bluejay. Observing their behavior was very calming for me, as I have been in my own head for too long which has been ruining me. Tomorrow is my nieces graduation so that will be good to be around for. Ducks and their little ones are such a good time to watch, the way they lead the little pack has a beauty of it's own and can bring anyone to pause and observe. I am pretty jealous of your pond, I have been wanting to put a small one out front to try and draw more interesting wildlife around
I love the idea of creating things of real value that people can appreciate for a long time. I hope that you are able to slowly but surely embrace that vision.
It sounds like you have some good ideas on the part time job front. Are you starting to look at a few job postings? Keep your looking to just a little each day and it will feel more manageable.
You were able to see birds visiting a bird house that you built? That sounds awesome. I need to eventually get a bird house at our home as well. Right now we have a really dry, dead lawn, front and back. Our neighbor forced us to get rid of a beautiful oak tree that we had in the front yard last year so he could put in a concrete driveway. He paid for the removal, but I hated doing it. We have been waiting a year or so to give the roots of the big old tree time to decompose before we start re-landscaping the front and doing the back. My son is going to help plan and organize everything when he moves in next January for six months. I am looking forward to that. The pond is across the street and is owned by the city so lots of people walk around it. But it is great because our yard is such a disaster. More ducklings today and most seem to have survived for the last few days.@DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
Sorry to hear you had to get rid of an oak tree, they are great trees and provide even better shade when it counts. I am excited for your future project and hope it goes well for you.
As for looking for part time, I am trying to find something that ties into the metal/jewelry thing that I have been doing. If I can get a foot in that avenue it would help accelerate my craft which is what I need at the moment as I am falling back into a slump or loss of ideas. I do want to make the name plate for my dog, which I will start the model for the mold now since I remember.
Woodpeckers have started to visit that birdhouse which makes me feel good. Hoping that in the morning I have the motivation to start another house which should not take too long. Still looking for that idea to create a metal piece that has an originality that has not been discovered just yet, which as I read that in my mind I am too worried about trying to get ahead of the curve when I have not even gotten on the tracks.
I did make a pin for my neighbor which I hope he appreciates. I'm not sure if I have covered that relationship but I am still struggling with even saying hello to him. The fact that I am racking my brain so much lately has been extremely tough to cope with getting up in the morning, although it does help get me moving when I am stagnant for too long.
It sounds like the anxiety is hitting hard. I am sorry. I know when that happens for me, even the smallest ideas my brain rejects in some kind of wild panic. But for me the key is to do the small stuff anyway. Then you prove to yourself that you can do it.
I do jigsaw puzzles for the same reason. Even small ones. You constantly have the thought "well that piece isn't going to fit anywhere" and then it does magically. Or "I am never going to find a piece for that spot" and then you find it. It really helps to calm me down. I know that you aren't in favor of computer things, but I do "Jigsaw Explorer" online, one puzzle each day. Each one is about 100 pieces and they are all going the right direction so you don't have to turn the pieces around. It really helps with the anxiety.
As far as job possibilities go, have you looked into working at a blacksmith shop at all? They might have one at some nearby historical site where you could do some training. It came into my brain because I spent a summer after college once dipping candles at a historical village. There probably isn't anything near you, but it might be fun to look.
Creating pins, name plates and birdhouses all sound like great ways to move forward. Small stuff will lead to bigger stuff.
@DanDrisco
@bestVase7265
You are right in all of your suggestions. Last night, I wanted to make a keychain but I kept failing at the sand casting mold, which discouraged me to continue further. So, I decided to just do some clean up work by taking the container of failed things and recondense them into small ingots for later melts. I did not get to make what I wanted but I felt good enough with the small task.
As far as looking for a blacksmith shop, there are not many close by, but there were some that were a drive away. I have a friend who needs window guards for their basement which they asked me to make, so I am going to attempt making them, and if it goes well I will pursue those places that were not too far away. My hesitation is due to them being apprenticeships (and fear of failure) so the drive cost would hurt the income aspect but starting somewhere is better than nowhere.
I used to do jigsaw puzzles with friends and would accelerate with them. Puzzles of all sorts are something that I have a niche for, crosswords and seek and finds were something I considered easy, but the "wheres Waldo" ones were where I got that challenge I was looking for.
Today, I am planning on cleaning out the depressing amount of trash that I have accumulated over the last year, which is unappealing to say the least. Keeping my car as clean as possible was something that I gave up on for no good reason other than giving up on myself and this thing we call life. Hope that you and your family are doing great.
Going to do my real post at the bottom of this thread so it doesn't get too small to read. @DanDrisco
I have been thinking of you and hoping that things are going well.
