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darkiya
1 20,969 M Progress Road 10
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts4,480 Forum posts23 Forum upvotes75 Current upvotes75 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceJune 3, 2018
Recent forum posts
I took too long
Depression Support / by darkiya
Last post
 April 29th
...See more I took too long to get better I'm not what you want me to be depression holds me by a tether refusing to let me be free You heard me the first time when I tried to explain the darkness that haunts me for a lifetime I see you're done with forgiveness This burden you lay with claims of love because they come with expectation I stop with the same excuses you're sick of my absence is my own damnation The path I walk it has no map a dark and wild mental path with pitfalls and vicious traps hunted by my own self wrath But I've been a disappointment far too long broken promises made on sunlit days ate the guilt knowing it was wrong swore again I would change my ways I know I am not good enough I can hear it in your tone I'm sorry I walked away when it got too rough and now I am alone
Loss of a Furbaby
Grief & Loss / by darkiya
Last post
 July 31st, 2023
...See more I feel a little bit of shame posting this. As if my feelings for my lost cat matters less than those who have lost human loved ones. These feelings are real to me though and I have been through enough death and grieving in my lifetime to recognize I am grieving horribly, deeply, truly. I don't even care if nobody reads this, I need to write it. We adopted Trash Heap in 2012, a runty little rescue named Watling at the time. From the very start she was a pushy diva. The rescue woman warned us 'torties can be stand-offish are you sure you want her?'. We did. We had just lost my partner's father Larry. He was murdered...or rather he'd incurred injuries during a house invasion robbery that put him into a coma so bad that my husband and his sister had to decide to pull the plug after a long battle by the doctors. A horrific situation I wish upon no one. The trauma of it is what led us to adopt Heap. We already had 2 cats but we were so very sad we went to pet kittens and fell in love with her. Over the years, even after we lost Elwood and Luka, Heap was the most incredible emotional support kitty. She was a clingy co-dependent little diva too who didn't like to be picked up but loved to be near you. She adored snuggling in bed, loved laps and chin scritches. Any time I would cry she'd come running to shove her head insistently at me until I opened my arms or my lap and she'd snuggle me purring until the hysterics stopped. When my partner and I discovered we could never have children of our own, Heap was there for me as I decided I would rather stay with my loving partner than chase after my childhood dreams of motherhood. When we lost Elwood and later Luka our first two cats...she was there with us. When she got sick, we took care of her. I did a fundraiser to pay for her MRIs and her specialists. When she needed medicine twice a day we learned how to administer it and we stepped up to take care of her special needs. When she lost the ability to jump and climb we adjusted our home to accommodate her. Special stairs, extra beds, anything she needed... When she lost too much weight we bought her special food. We paid for more medications... We went to the vet constantly. The past few months we were in there 1-2 times. The staff called her a little angel. Scared, puffy, hissy and full of growls she never hurt anyone she just wanted you to KNOW she didn't like what was happening. When she went blind we adjusted again... we watched as our hearts broke as she bumped into things. She developed a neurological problem where she'd only walk in circles. She'd get lost and dizzy. She'd fall over. Still she did her best, she tried to find her litter box...she tried to adjust. We tried to adjust with her. Then she lost mobility and strength. She couldn't stand for more than a wobbly moment. The most she'd do is move her head. As I held her in my lap while we made the call to the vet I started to cry---and in her last bit of strength she put her head in my hand as if to comfort me. Its been days now since she passed but my husband and I cannot even go into the room where we cared for her. We struggle to clean up the mess.
Dealing with conflicting needs
Relationship Stress / by darkiya
Last post
 July 6th, 2023
...See more My husband and I have been together a long time. Since 2006. We've come a long way learning to communicate. We're struggling right now though. Our 14 year old cat is sick and we've not been getting enough sleep. On top of ity health problems are worsening. I'm in constant pain. I've been having to handle all my own healthcare needs because he's too busy with spending all his spoons on the cat. He's super stressed and is needing me to "be okay" and not get upset but I'm struggling. Depression and anxiety and pain. And just all of it. I need hugs and headpats and to be told I'm wonderful and loved. I'm needing attention and comfort. Right now his stress has him the opposite and needing to not be touched and allowed to voice his frustrations and complain. Our needs are at odds. Today I cried for hours because of it. I told him I don't feel loved. He took the time to listen and I'm grateful for it. We gave each other time and space to listen but in the end he told me bluntly he can't be there for me emotionally right now. He's barely holding himself together. I'm on my own for support. Whick triggered my childhood neglect trauma and all the times as a kid it was not okay to not be okay. I can feel myself pushing my feelings down. Finding that old familiar mask to put on. It's fine. Everything is fine. Except it's not and I'm worried I might backslide into dark spaces. I'm not in crisis. But I feel the dark thoughts are renewing their passport. I wish it wasn't a 3 month wait to get in to see the doctor.
Enduring Misogyny in the Workplace
Women's Issues / by darkiya
Last post
 February 19th, 2023
...See more I have been with my current company since 2018 and when I was first hired I was the only developer. I was a 1-woman team. For a long time I was involved in almost every hiring decision made by the company for expanding the team I work on. I did all the invisible labor for managing a team. In 2020 I asked for a title and compensation bump to reflect the work and effort I was contributing above and beyond what I was originally hired to do. I got half of the compensation bump I asked for and I didn't know it at the time but the pay raise put me in-line with the men on the team I was managing. They were already making more than me. I found out when Performance Reviews came along and I was in charge in giving them. I was also the person put in charge of deciding who got a bonus and a raise. That's when I found out that I was making so much less than others. I was told it was because of the Cost of Living in those areas but it just never sat well with me. I brought it up to HR about pay discrepancies because HR is run by a woman but I was dismissed. After my question posed casually I noticed that I started to get excluded from meetings and my boss stopped having 1-on-1 meetings with me and started to get really close to a peer of mine. A really talented gentleman who shares some hobby interests with my boss. Fast forward to a few months ago and the new project has been given to this guy. I'm not saying he's not capable--on the contrary he's a very capable engineer and as a person I like him. He and I get along just fine. What I'm noticing though is I'm being iced out and when I brought up my concerns with my boss I was told that "You're being defensive". At the start of this year in January I was officially re-titled and demoted to answering to my male co-worker that the boss is now buddy-buddy with. When there are important meetings, I'm often excluded... as the only female engineer. But then when we have group assignments and work to be done people wait for me to be the leader. Folks wait for me to set the example or look to me to create the template that people will work off of. I'm still being seen as the leader in the group even though I no longer have the title and recognition from outside of the team. It hurts, it's frustrating.
In Mourning - Breaking up with a Toxic Job
Work & Career / by darkiya
Last post
 February 12th, 2023
...See more In a healthy workplace, much like a relationship, you may not stay together forever but you part ways on amicable terms while you transition to a new employer relationship that better fits your current needs. Sometimes though it is a toxic workplace and the signs are very familiar to a toxic relationship. * After work you feel tired or sick. * Suffer constant criticism * Boss is constantly checking-in and micromanaging * You're often interrupted or given the silent-treatment * You're always apologizing and you're not sure why * You're being lied to or shielded from the truth * Everyone else hates the job, the boss, etc * Strip away your self esteem * They guilt you about taking sick days, paid time off, having a life outside of work * You don't have a positive feeling about the future * They blame you for their problems * and more The thing is maybe when you first started with the company it didn't feel this way. A toxic workplace might love bomb you with appreciation, praise, even bonuses when you're fresh to the company. Your ideas are valued and your fresh insight might even lead to initiatives. After some time and the freshness has worn off you might see problems. You might even be able to critique or point out issues with the processes in place or areas that need improvement with leadership. You might even feel emboldened to talk about them but then you're emotionally connected with being negative. All of a sudden you go from golden child to target and the reality begins to set in. At first you might be in denial that you're in a toxic workplace environment. Everyone has bad days, every workplace has its faults. Eventually you might get angry about how they're treating you. You get your job done, you're just as exceptional as you were when they first hired you so why did they change how they treat you? Why is it what used to be going above and beyond is now the lowest denominator expectation? You might think of bargaining and negotiating your problems with your employer. You might even try communicating your problems and concerns though this will likely result in blowback. You might even tell yourself that at least it pays the bills. You might get depressed and sad. Your job-satisfaction is at an all time low. You're barely going through the motions at work anymore. There's no sign of light. You might become jaded or melancholy. Finally you might find acceptance that this place is toxic. You need to find a new job. It's time to leave this one behind.
Poem - The Voyage
Poetry / by darkiya
Last post
 February 10th, 2023
...See more On calm waters the journey is plot A long voyage on life’s vast ocean To see the wonders on distant shores With excitement, hope and desire We three set off on adventure Bold is the boatswain Who will look fear in its eyes and cackle A madman behind the wheel So unlike is brother Watchman Who cries at every grey cloud And on good days I take the helm The crew is merry and bright Great progress is made Towards each port of call On some days there are storms I do my best to keep the old boat steady But it is unreasonable to stay at post Day in and day out As the Boatswain takes the wheel My tired hands grip the mast and I know fear The control wrenched from me The waves bobbing up and down So certain I am they’ll take me The Watchman’s cries echo my own A chorus ignored while the storm persists No storm lasts forever And the clouds do eventually part But I am bedraggled, saltswept and sore Let the Watchman take the wheel Though he lacks the skills To get us back on course He does his best to let us rest Self-care is our duty now With a head a rest My station is my own once more My boat weathered by the storm Once again we turn toward our destination And journey once more This is my crew for life’s voyage. Anxiety, Depression, and I
Weathering the storm in a rusty old boat
Newbie Hub / by darkiya
Last post
 February 16th, 2019
...See more I don't come to 7 Cups every day but I have been coming occasionally the past few months. I didn't start my journey to self-improvement here but I do find the group chat to be a welcoming distraction on the darker days. I'm a 35 y/o Software Engineer from the United States. I've been with my husband for going on 13 years (past 3 married) and we live together in a small townhouse I bought when I was younger. I'm very savvy when it comes to mone and finances, I'm very intelligent when it comes to my job and I love to write. When I am not kicking myself down into the dirt I tend to have confidence in my intelligence even if I think I'm lacking in other areas. I suffer from chronic pain due to a degenerative joint disorder and Type 2 diabetes which is a more recent development. I actually found out about the diabetes 2 weeks before my wedding. Definately put a damper on cake. I always had issues with social anxiety but it has gotten worse with an added sprinkling of depression since the diagonsis. I don't know if the diabetes and blood sugar influence the depression or if I'm depressed because I'm unwell but I feel the two are correlated. I find it easier to handle my mood when I am handling my diabetes but when one falters so does the other. It's an ongoing struggle. On top of that my husband suffers from depression worse than I do. His anxiety has made him angoraphobic and so he leans heavily upon me emotionally. We have our struggles but I still find he's an amazing partner and one of the sweetest men I've ever known. There are days I scare myself with thoughts that... it's never going to get better, only worse. My body is going to destroy itself and there's absolutely no hope for it getting better. Those are the bad days. On good days I remind myself that the worst days are not today and even if I may not accomplish all my bucket list items before I die... I still leave a lasting impact on my friends and loved ones and every day I spend with them is a fond memory in the making.
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