welcome to the panic attack club.
I am also 45, just turned 45 this past September. Feel free to check out my journal entries, haven't done one in a while. It is all morbid and messed up. just search my screen name should be easy enough to find.
anyhow
I can't speak on homosexuality as I am not. I am straight. But I can relate to severe anxiety, I can relate to drugs to a degree. I was overusing medical marijuana to treat my sleep issues and was using way to much and it caused me to have a severe mental break down and I had to call 911 for help because i was losing it, and had been awake for about a week straight. it was a long process to, i guess get sober. even though I had stopped using marijuana after my first hospitalization there was, what I call after shocks. an I think i admitted myself, two more times after that. And all 3 times were not easy, I was paranoid, yelling, screaming, writing notes that made no sense.on an on. Honestly, I should have spent 3 weeks maybe 4 in the hospital the first time i was in.
I am glad that part of my life is over but I do struggle with passive suicidal thoughts. Really the only thing I learned through time, is to just recognize those thoughts as nothing more than thoughts and to identify what an active plan is and when to call for help.
I can't hold a job down let alone look for one due to my anxiety, I also have PTSD, General Depression, and I am probably now, border line bipolar.
I am relying on my dad financially and getting food stamps to help with food. my mother passed and I inherited the family home, and what my dad is giving me no longer covers property taxes because there are no more exemptions.
I can probably squeek by with my dads help for a year and a half i figure.
I am currently in the process of seeking a gastric bypass through the VA, after and within that time frame of a year and a half, ima heal up physically, then afterward, sell my home, and find a place to move too and make some kind of life for myself.
it is terrifying, because my problems are so deep, and have been as you have faced a lifetime of issues, that are very deep-seated and not easily fixed with happy thoughts and well wishes.
I hate saying this so much, because it just means nothing to me when others say it to me, but I hope it means something to you. You're not alone.
And I guess all we can choose from sometimes is which do we want to get hit with, a stick or a car. and for some of us, we say, well I don't want to get hit with either so ima do this..... and they manage to do it. sometimes and where I see my self heading is, well, I guess ima choose the stick because I just cant avoid either anymore.
congrats on being off drugs, that is a giant achievement. that is something to hold on to and be proud of every day.
If you ever in a pinch and need to talk, this is the place to be. even if all you do is just post a thread in the forum and leave it to fly in the ether. you may notice the rooms are a hit or miss, 9 times out of 10 they are pretty good, but even just rambling in a chat room i find helpful, i let people know hey ima just ramble, feel free to ignore me or reply if ya want but i gotta vent and ramble.
suicidal thoughts are very scary and annoying, just remember they are thoughts; they will pass, you just have to work through it each and every time. be aware of major warning signs that are progressing into plans, seek help at that point. never be afraid to call 911.
keep fighting the anxiety and panic attacks, it is very exhausting and defeating and humiliating , i am right there i get it.
dont give up.
