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VintageDougers
1,747 M Hopeful Heart
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts407 Forum posts103 Forum upvotes187 Current upvotes187 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2024 Member sinceOctober 17, 2023
Bio

My name is Doug and I'm here because I struggle with depression, anxiety, and probably other issues I've never been "officially" diagnosed with.


I hope to one day be able to apply (?) to be a listener on this site. But for now I'm here to share and listen. ☺️


Here is a little inspiration from Jimmy Eat World:


Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head, you feel left out

Or looked down on

Just try your best

Try everything you can

And don't you worry what they tell themselves

When you're away

Recent forum posts
I Hate Working
Work & Career / by VintageDougers
Last post
 February 1st
...See more The new year is here, and I'm back to my same old feelings about work. Today is my first day back since December 22nd and I woke up with that all too familiar sense of dread for the day ahead. I've convinced myself that I am going to pass young, like in my early 60s, and that I will inevitably be working until the day I pass. This thought fills me with so much sadness and anger that it's really hard to get through the day. I'm 42 now, both of my parents passed in their 60s (dad was 62, and mom 67 this past July), and other family has also passed younger. It seems to be a thing in my family, and this I'm convinced that I will follow suit. Everyone that passes in my life just reinforces these feelings. And it's not the job or the people I work with. I took a job in IT Service Management in Aug of 2022 and I have excelled pretty quickly in the position. I got a promotion after less than a year. My boss is easily the best boss I've ever had in any job on my life. He's very patient, understanding and compassionate. I'm very open with him about my mental health issues (the depression and grief, I've not opened up to him about hating work yet) and he always supports me and tells me to do what I need to do. I told him this morning that I was struggling and without hesitation he told me to reschedule my meetings for the day and to take whatever time I needed. He's just an amazing human being, which honestly makes this situation even more difficult and distressing, because I always feel like I'm letting him down as well as myself. This is just so tiring. I've been trying to find a psychiatrist but have been having a really hard time with that too.
Tired
Depression Support / by VintageDougers
Last post
 December 8th, 2023
...See more I'm just so tired. Tired of feeling depressed, tired of feeling like I'm never enough, tired of trying. I have no desire to go on, no family left that actually seems to care about me, no reason to keep going. Ever since I was a kid I've struggled with mental health issues. I've been on every medication in the book, seen more therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists than I can count and here I am still struggling. I just don't want to do it anymore, can't drag myself out of bed most of the time. The only shining light I see in my life right now is my wife, I'm sticking around for her. But I feel like I need to want to be here for me. It's strange that I am so terribly afraid of death and the uncertainty that comes with it, but at the same time I almost welcome it. I know these feelings can't last forever but it's hard to see past them right now. 💔
Another Bad Day
Depression Support / by VintageDougers
Last post
 November 14th, 2023
...See more Having another bad day. Mom's birthday was 11/9 and I miss her so much. I drank way too much over the weekend again, as usual, and put myself in a very bad place today. My IBS is flaring up so bad, I'm in so much pain and just wanting it all to go away right now. I feel like I'm starting to resent my wife (for what reasons I don't know), and since she's really the one consistent source of support I have, it scares me so much. I know I love her, she's an amazing woman, but lately I just want to be alone and just hide from everyone and everything including her. I just don't know how much longer I can keep going through these cycles of pain and suffering, both mental and physical.
Happy Birthday Mom
Grief & Loss / by VintageDougers
Last post
 November 9th, 2023
...See more I feel so lost today. My mom passed July 26th and I miss her so much. Today is her 68th birthday and I so wish I could hug her and kiss her and tell her happy birthday and how much I love and miss her. I feel like I'm never going to be ok again. I love you and miss you so much mama. Happy Birthday. ❤️
I Just Want to Understand
Depression Support / by VintageDougers
Last post
 November 5th, 2023
...See more I really want to understand my depression, why do I get so low and feel so down some days? I have every reason to be a happy person but most days I'm just not. I have an amazing, loving, supportive wife, I have a rewarding job with an amazing understanding boss, and I have two kitties who need and love me. So why do I keep going through these cycles of just feeling like I can't keep this up? I think part of it may be that I can't shake this notion in my head that work is taking me away from the life I enjoy. I've developed this belief that we as humans have been duped into believing that we have to work and have a career to be happy, when in reality we just need to live and die, that's it. Those are the only two things anyone on earth is actually required to do. I have some of the most terrible thoughts too when my mind goes down this path. I won't go into details, but these are thoughts that would make even the most gory horror movies fans cringe. And I just can't seem to get them out of my head. I guess I just needed to vent this out. I feel like a broken record sometimes because I feel like I'm always coming back to the same things when I post here. But that just shows the real struggle that I'm dealing with I guess. I don't know how much longer these thought patterns are going to be sustainable and that scares me. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy the rest of your day.
Am I a "Functioning Alcoholic"?
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by VintageDougers
Last post
 October 25th, 2023
...See more Hello 7cups community. I came here as a result of my mom's passing 3 months ago and found this community to be so welcoming and engaging that I thought I'd try talking about my alcohol use as well. I've been drinking since high school. Friends' parents would buy it for us because they would "rather we drink where they can watch us". Ever since then I think I've started associating alcohol with having a good time. Now as a man in my 40s I find myself drinking most days, typically about 4 beers after work every day, and 6+ on the weekends (Fri, Sat and Sun). That's roughly 35 beers per week, and doesn't include the occasional shots of hard liquor that happen too. When I say the number out loud makes me think "holy cow". I'm beginning to think I'm technically a functioning alcoholic. On days when I don't drink I feel like there is a change in my mood. I'm very grumpy and depressed. While I can see that this is likely a problem, it's difficult because I feel like I do genuinely enjoy trying new beers, new breweries, etc. In fact my wife and I make it a point to stop at breweries during our travels because she enjoys it too. Difference is she's not drinking every day like I am. So I guess my questions are two fold: 1 Would you agree that I appear to be a functioning alcoholic? 2 Is it possible for someone in a position such as this to successfully manage drinking? Essentially can I still do what I enjoy but on a more manageable level? I would greatly appreciate any thoughts, insights, suggestions that you may have. Thanks for reading.
Resenting work?
Depression Support / by VintageDougers
Last post
 October 24th, 2023
...See more One common theme in my head is the feeling that having to work is making me miss out on life, because life is so short that I just want to enjoy things with my family and friends. I wake up most Mondays with an overwhelming sense of dread for the day and week to come. It's not that I don't have a decent job, I do and I feel like my manager respects me, and is always looking out for me. I just can't shake the inner thoughts telling me that I'm wasting my life, and I'm going to d** unhappy. Since my mom passed away 3 months ago these feelings have only gotten worse. My mom and dad both died fairly young, dad was 64 in 2006 and mom 67 three months ago. Due to that I've got this feeling I cannot shake that I am going to d** before I can retire, and my life will have been wasted. Deep inside I know these thoughts are irrational, but I just can't shake them. Thanks for reading.
Missing Mom
Grief & Loss / by VintageDougers
Last post
 October 20th, 2023
...See more I wanted to share with everyone my story about losing my mom recently. I'll give a little background on my family first. I grew up in what you'd probably consider a lower middle class family. Dad was a alcoholic until I was well out of high school, and both mom and dad smoked cigarettes their entire lives. My mom was an amazing woman who did all she could to keep me and my brother (8 years younger than me) safe. I remember her always standing up for me to other parents in the neighborhood. One time after a particularly bad fight with my dad, she walked more than 3 miles pushing my brother (maybe 1 year old) in a stroller and holding my hand, to take us to my grandma's house. The journey was very hilly terrain and the stroller had a broken wheel, so it was a really long walk. She really loved her kids. My dad unfortunately passed away in 2006 at the age of 64 from cancer due to his years of smoking. However as we were not that close, and I was much younger, I don't think his passing hit me as hard as my mom's would. About 3 months ago on July 5th she went into the hospital. She had developed gangrene on two toes due to poor circulation and was told to go to the ER. While she was there they discovered a blood infection, and after further tests found that an ulcer in her stomach at the site of a previous gastric bypass had ruptured and been leaking into her gut. They did emergency surgery to repair that, but in the end it wasn't soon enough I guess. She underwent other surgeries and was in the ICU for weeks. I was there with her by her bedside every day. Finally on July 26th I had to make the decision that everyone dreads, and told her doctors I thought it was time to take her off the ventilator and feeding tube, and start comfort care. A few hours later she passed. I wanted so badly to be there holding her hand when she took her last breath, but she waited until I stepped out of the room for no more than 10 minutes. When I returned my wife and the nurses were there with her, and I was told the nurses were with her at the time she passed, so at least she wasn't alone. The past 3 months since her passing have been very difficult. I've had many ups and downs, and ranges or emotions. I am trying now to really find peace and move forward with my life, as I know she would want me to do. I joined 7 Cups two days ago and this community is amazing. Also joined a gym and started that just this morning. I'm hopeful now that things will get better. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
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