TheBestScreenName Member Profile

Just venting

Depression Support / by TheBestScreenName

3 days ago

...See more I left the Roman Catholic Church years ago, and I was a cradle Catholic..... ( my spell check isn't active so please excuse any and all errors I don't have it in me to correct my errors at the moment ) I also tried to become a Catholic Priest that did not work out. But I eventually managed to get into a Catholic Benedictine Monastery. One only hears the peachy romantized side of the monastic life, the truth is far from it. I could go on a rant about the process of becoming a priest, visiting two seminaries, the discernment process in general, and what I endured and went through in the monastery i was at. But I have come to realize there really is no need, doing so as I did in the past was for my own gratification not to feel better or to " educate " anyone. The truth is, the Roman Catholic Church like any other religion, is a take it or leave it religion. Not a , hey do you have notes for us so we can improve religion. Which is the reason why schisms happen in the Church or with in any religion. Take it or leave it and good luck to ya when you get to *** or what ever version of *** there is in said religion. What took me a long time to realize is, I never really belonged in the Church. And how odd and ironic is that. How in the world can the great and almighty Roman Catholic Church explain how a shmuck like myself doesn't belong in said perfect religion that is all inclusive and never makes mistakes and when they do, they fix said mistake in a very perfect manner and when they dont they have a perfect answer as to why. When you can't be respected for your opinions because someone says we are not allowed to have opinions on scripture or disagree with the Church because xyz. It would be equivalent to creating a game that you thusly create the rules to, and the first rule to the game is that only you get to make or change the rules and if anyone disagrees with your rules they are penalized or they end up forfeiting the game and thusly lose said game. An the loop hole to why it is a fair and good game is because anyone is welcome to join and play the game but no one is forcing you to. The second rule of the game is, if you decide not to play something very terrible will happen to you. Now I don't know about Buddhism , or Celtic Druids, or Wiccans, but I know that in the three major religions, that is the gist of it, you don't have to join us or believe what we say, but if you don't something terrible will happen to you for all eternity and if you do decide to join us, you better not mess up or else something sort of bad will happen to you or something really bad will happen to you and dont rock the boat ever, only we the rule makers can rock the boat because " God " said so in " scripture ". The thing is, as I see it, we are all climbing a mountain, the same mountain, it isn't a race to the top, but we are all climbing to the top. But if you are going to stick your head in the sand, there is only one direction and only one side of the mountain to get to the top. An that is just isn't true. A mountain has plenty of sides, and plenty of paths and directions to the top. What direction and path / side, may be the correct and easiest side for some, it doesn't mean it is for everyone no matter what anyone else says. An there is the schism. I had to come to learn that for my self and to accept that for my own self and believe it. To be strong enough to leave a religion that says I am free to leave but I will go to *** or Purgatory if I do and even if I had stayed or if i ever come back, I will probably be going to Purgatory anyhow because only special and perfect people can go directly to Heaven. An insane idea for many reasons. I've heard and read so many scriptures in my life, and Jesus made it clear that his flock will hear his voice that he is the good shepherd, he never said only very specific people that I choose are allowed to tell the flock how to listen to Me and what to do. Heresy ! Blasphemy ! You're going to eternal damnation! All of this started to click in my head and just made more and more and more sense to me that I'm fine. That I do not need validation from complete strangers on if I am living a moral life based on the teachings and standards Christ set forth. Especially when those leaders, who are strangers, are just people, not special perfect uncorruptable angels sent from Heaven, they are shmucks with a bit of an education and that education does not make them a better, or more intelligent person. Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it, an education doesn't make someone smarter than someone else. An " education " if you boil it down, is really nothing more than training, which requires trial and error to become good at. Same as being a scientist, once you know what the scientific method is, congrats you are on your way. Come up with a theory and a hypothesis bada bing bada boom off you go. Here is a news flash too, an education does not make a person " holy " or " spiritually superior " or " qualified to lead others in a spiritual manner " . A lot of people in life have had a great education and have been scumbags both in the religious atmosphere of life and secular. An chalking up those scumbags to " well they gave in to the devil " is crap. It says a lot when the poor are better moral human beings than a priest or religious leader of any religion. Then comes the mental health part of this vent. The part where there is some slight give with at least the Catholic Church, and I suspect all religions, if you are handicap to where you cant decide on your own, " they " give that person a pass.BUT for some reason everyone is " born with original sin ", there is irony for you, all life is " precious " pre marital sex is a no no, abortion is a big no no, but everyone is born with " original sin" even though God had your name written in the palm of his hand before you were even born and some where in scripture, the sins of the father do not transfer to the son. slow claps. but back to mental health and me. I cant stand people anymore, I hate my life, and I hate my anxiety, so why am i going to torture myself to sit in any church and next to strangers who i could give to poops less about, and who I have no interest in knowing and who are not going to want to be apart of my life for so many reasons... an I am supposed to sit there and smile like an idiot and wave and shake hands and be cordial. all to bask in the super great holy special prayer time that is supposed to give me special spiritual powers to what? To make minimum wage and not afford basic needs , utilities and a place to live? To survive ? I mean I can buy a tent a bow and some arrows, a lighter, fishing gear, and go live in the woods.... And I could literally sit down with a number of priests, rabbi(s), imam, etc, and they would all stare back with this dumb blank look on their face. If all my life I did right according to the Church by going to mass and obeying all the special rules, and im no better off financially or physically than the poor who, are greatly loved by God, and those in poverty are treated no different and are not going to Church,, then wtf....? All to be allowed into Heaven according to the rules someone decided to create based off what they read in scripture? Really? I just cant do this anymore. I am literally years away from losing everything, and no amount of praying is going to change it. Winning the lottery would. Having my own successful business would change things. An what good is Heaven if ya can't change things in the present for the ones ya love, ya just are there on the other side with a stupid smile on your face rooting and hoping your loved ones make it too? Ive got loved ones on the other side, they know and see the pain im in. dur hang in there it'll get better dur just wait you;ll see. tell that to someone with some terminal illness. then what, dur youll be " home soon " hang in there. go sit and spin for real. im over it all, im over my life, i dont want to do any of this anymore im sick of venting im sick of trying im sick of everything and yet i keep going through the wash and i hate it. for me that is purgatory that is damnation, an some idiot would say no no dur dur its way worse you dont know, well unless you have lived my life and actually been to purgatory and or ***, ya really dont know anything. What's even worse is, when I get to the other side, I am not interested in hearing what God or Jesus has to say, I don't care about the infinite glorious answers, or drooling punched in the face *** who want to sing and slobber with the choir of angels for all eternity. Nope, I know what I want, and if all God wants is me in Heaven then fine, I'll be in Heaven, no one said I had to have a sit down and listen to anything God has to say. The way I see it, if God / Jesus/ Holy Spirit, really wants me to understand and know the why part, now is the time to do the talking now is the time to ask me to sit down and listen and fix all the broken stuff. Because I cant fix anything once i get to the other side which means there is no reason to listen to the whys when i get there. Oh here is one piece of scripture which I always found stupid. Look it up for the full proper version. it goes something like The first shall be last and the last shall be first in Heaven or getting into Heaven. Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Want to know why it is stupid? BECAUSE IT IS HEAVEN! WHO CARES WHO GETS IN LAST OR FIRST! You're going to be happy either way once you're in line or get in, you really think it matters who's first or last? or who gets the special seat at the table or who gets to rub elbows with the special angels and saints? Pretend for a moment that there are toilets in heaven, you realize being a toilet scrubber in heaven is going to be just as joyous and wonderful as a back rub in heaven. because there is no envy or jealousy in heaven, so that means if God sentenced someone in Heaven to be Heavens plumber, or Gods personal fart sniffer, it would still be more enjoyable than anything on earth and way better than anything in ***. If you made it this far, I hope your headache isn't too bad. Go get some rest and forget you read this. I just had to dump this out into the ether. Take the Red Pill... or the Blue Pill...

bleh

Depression Support / by TheBestScreenName

July 28th

ranting vent

Depression Support / by TheBestScreenName

June 2nd

...See more Another thing that frustrates me about myself. Is I don't want to do anything. I don't enjoy going out and doing activities anymore. Maybe it would be different if I had good people in my life that wanted to spend time with me. Maybe. I should be exercising and I don't, because I get into why bother, and i am just bogged down by so much negative thinking I can't get past it, and i fall into resentment. another cycle trap. I know what I should do every single day. I should get up at the crack of dawn, and exercise. Then I should eat something healthy and have my coffee, after that, I should do something positive like paint, or draw, or read, play with my cat and tortoise meditate on and on the thing is, I just dont want to anymore because i find it all pointless, I exercise and i feel like crap while exercising and feel drained afterward, i dont do anything artistic because it doesnt lift my spirits and i have to be in a positive mood to create anything, my cat is independent and so is my tortoise. i have no one to live for really. and if i was given all the money i ever wanted, what would i do, ? I'd do some positive things, like create some new womens and mens shelters in town, etc, but when the rest is left for me to enjoy, after i took care of my family, i wouldn't really want to travel. id move to some remote place, with my internet and comics, and do nothing, id like to think id be at peace even if i was lonely, id love nothing more than to live quietly , in nature. with a few things i enjoy like some internet access and my comics and my family. i dont want to see the world, i dont want to climb mountains, i dont want to be a social butterfly, i dont want to work for anyone and i dont want my own business im just done

ranting vent

Depression Support / by TheBestScreenName

May 30th

...See more Things are progressively getting worse for me. I am dealing with life long depression , social anxiety disorder, PTSD, and probably a few other things. These issues are treatable , in my opinion for someone either not dealing with more than one problem at once, and are fresh into the problem. Meds, coping skills, CBT,DBT, Exposure Therapy, all great things, for those who have just learned what their problem is, and have not given up on life, and have people in their life to help them achieve their goals. Now take me for example, I am 45, been dealing with depression, since I was a child, then progressed into anxiety and social anxiety disorder, then progressed into PTSD, been on meds off n on most of my life, still on meds now, to just keep me from not setting houses on fire or worse. no job, no solid work history, no social network i can rely on daily, no car, and i read how exposure therapy can work, and I am like, well ya, for someone who still has the fight in them to want to have a life, to want to recover, and has a few good people in their life on a daily basis, and the person has a goal that they are excited about and wants to achieve. I have none of that, I have one place I honestly enjoy in town and that is my local comic book shop, it took me a solid year, to just converse with staff and get acquainted with them, another year to talk to a regular customer I had seen there an wanted to chat with, and to ask about employment. and that was how long " Exposure " took me. and now i have honestly given up on life. I am just existing. at some point, when society is a bit more stable, and i guess the economy is right, Ill sell my home and try something. what, i have no real clue, in terms of using that money to be some what financially stable. but i will find a cheap piece of land, and get a single wide and hook it to solar power at a minimum, and a water well if possible. if i can cross of two big utilities, that just leaves paying for removal of garbage, sewage, and property taxes and food. already had a gastric bypass so that is helping cut down on food expenses. but my drive for life is gone, my hope is gone, my mom passed 2 years ago and i still hurt from her passing, i miss her every single day, i catch myself often verbally telling her i love her, or just calling out to her, pretending she is going to respond. my pop is getting up there too. i could write a book on the dreams i did pursue, and how they bit me in the rear, and left me out in the cold with zero support afterward, left literally with no idea of how to readjust to life, no one to check up on me and see how i was doing. just poof gone, like i never existed. life for me has become so exhausting, i am out of hope, and all i know is that every time i try, i fail. so what good are meds, therapists, coping skills and etc, when your gas tank is empty, your engine is broken, ya got 3 flat tires, you are out in the middle of no where on the side of the road, and to boot, ya got only one leg to walk on, and someone passes by and smiles and says, DONT GIVE UP! HANG IN THERE! IM SENDING POSITIVE VIBES YOUR WAY, and they wave at ya and keep on going. To be followed by a doctor who tosses ya pills and suggestions and says good luck, to then be passed by a mechanic who says hey go get a new car. an maybe somebody with half a brain, tosses me a bottle of water, maybe even a cold bottle of water, before saying well that is all i can do, good luck. Now toss in organized religion, that is exactly what they do, but they also top it off with a gentle smile and a, I will pray for you, as they walk away and wish you the best. And it isn't like i want people to do everything for me, it would just be nice to be loved and have people in my life that want to be in my life daily and can walk with me. and sadly my depression and anxiety has hindered that. an still does. or i try to reach out and meet someone and it goes no where. so i stop trying. and i am left with one leg, being told, just keep climbing that mountain, and when ya get to the top get ready for a butt kicking contest. And what is somewhat funny, is , my life could actually be worse than it is. I do all this complaining and i get resentful, because I know my life could be worse than it is.

venting

Depression Support / by TheBestScreenName

March 27th

A Mix of Things.

Depression Support / by TheBestScreenName

March 13th

Morbid anxiety

Anxiety Support / by TheBestScreenName

February 2nd

...See more 45.single.male, and no children here from the USA... I think my psychologist gave up on me, she would probably say she didn't but made the mistake of putting the responsibility on me to schedule my next appointment and that was the only excuse I needed to say adios. Had she said okay we will meet again in two weeks, fine I probably would have made the appointment. Anyhow. I have a lot going on mentally, I have a social anxiety disorder, and a co-dependency problem (my therapist said she couldn't help me or tell me what to do about a certain situation because that just feeds into my co-dependency which made sense but sucked.) I have PTSD, and I have a problem with passive suicidal ideation ( the only good thing is when I did have a severe psychotic breakdown, and I owned a shotgun, not once did I go for it. so I take that reflection to mean I'll just end up being homeless rather than ending it because I can't put the few loved ones I have into pain from ending it). I am taking positive steps to fix myself, but I am not enjoying the process. By the end of Feb, I'll have a gastric bypass surgery, and hopefully, by July I should be down 80 lbs or more and by the end of the year I should be down by 100 lbs or maybe even a tad more. Once the weight is down to where I am comfortable I'll probably take an acting class and/or a public speaking class to combat my social anxiety disorder. Once I have done that, I will put my home on the market, because I have become a financial burden on my father as he has been financially supporting me too long. And I am going to split the sale of the house to find some land to put a shipping container home on a 40ft. and hopefully either get solar power or a water well and use the rest to start my own business I can either own and have other run or just run myself. I am leaning towards selling coffee and having a small cafe-ish, eventually. But I dabbled with the idea of buying a roaster and a teardrop trailer to sell coffee from or just do a trailer. again depends on $. Sounds exciting but it isn't. Sounds positive, but it isn't. It is extremely risky because I have one shot to make it work. I do not have a backup plan, and I am not a business person. I have been doing research, I know about margins, I know about taxes, permits, etc for everything I want to do. I got an idea if I do manage to scrounge up a small cafe to partner with a willing chef to make a small morning-to-brunch menu. Because coffee alone for a cafe doesn't really make it a cafe does it? so the time line to make it all happen is about 3-5 years. I guess I need to start planning on a backup plan which boom here it is, when everything fails, business-wise, sell everything, and then use that money to sustain wherever I am living, by I guess getting the other half of what I need between solar and a well, whichever I don't have to get the other and boom no more utilities at least. The biggest issue I want to work on, between now and after the surgery is getting into public speaking/acting classes, and socializing to a point where I am meeting single people my age range, which can hopefully help lead me to finding having a woman in my life. The problem is I am doing this all alone. My family and friends are too old or too busy to be in my life daily, and the only motivator to do anything is the fact that my dad is paying too much for me to live in the family home. If I can't get over my social anxiety, can't handle running a business, and can't handle moving, I don't know what I'll do. Part of me does hope for WWIII, my brother and his family live in Europe and that would give me a reason to sell everything and go to Europe to protect my brother and his family. It would mean getting off the rest of my meds, but I could do it. An just live long enough to make sure my brother and his family are safe. But I suspect what will happen is a total failure, no WWIII to bail me out of the rest of my life, just a failed business attempt, a failed attempt to live on my own, and me living homeless in an RV till I end up out in the woods where authorities can't find me and chase me away. With my siblings just pitying me and wishing they could help me but don't know what to do and we will pray for you. At least I won't be working for stupid MFers anymore and be micromanaged and I'll be at the top of the food chain in my own tiny world for a micro-moment before it comes crashing down. Just sharing, not looking for any gee whilikers good vibes what an exciting adventure you are going to have comment. Cause the reality is I am living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from or end any time soon. An there is zero chance I am going to find a woman who will want me for me as I am and want to take this kind of risk with me, because it is just too friggin bananas. Sad, lonely, scared and done with life, and I am giving it one last push before I say no more.

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