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TheBestScreenName
2 54,641 M Confident Walk 2
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts4,561 Forum posts84 Forum upvotes109 Current upvotes109 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceOctober 11, 2020
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Doesn't matter.


Recent forum posts
bleh
Depression Support / by TheBestScreenName
Last post
 July 28th
...See more well, it is interesting, to have my moms car finally crap out, i been out of a car for a few months now, i hated and loved that pos car, i was making it mine, and i enjoyed having it look on the outside absolutely nuts, but super clean inside. my depression has gotten worse, summer is kicking in and i dont enjoy the outdoors as much as i use too, i havent been exercising, and im not doing the typical things people are supposed to do to get through depression, because why bother it seems like. i envy people that can be like, well im depressed ima go exercise and do this and that and ima feel better and ima keep doing it every day and tackle this. i cant do it anymore. or i dont want to, or both i get little swings of positivity that i can change things and get my life on track and then an hour or day later it is gone no point in talking anymore to a psychologist. bout as useful as talking to a tomatoe.
ranting vent
Depression Support / by TheBestScreenName
Last post
 June 2nd
...See more Another thing that frustrates me about myself. Is I don't want to do anything. I don't enjoy going out and doing activities anymore. Maybe it would be different if I had good people in my life that wanted to spend time with me. Maybe. I should be exercising and I don't, because I get into why bother, and i am just bogged down by so much negative thinking I can't get past it, and i fall into resentment. another cycle trap. I know what I should do every single day. I should get up at the crack of dawn, and exercise. Then I should eat something healthy and have my coffee, after that, I should do something positive like paint, or draw, or read, play with my cat and tortoise meditate on and on the thing is, I just dont want to anymore because i find it all pointless, I exercise and i feel like crap while exercising and feel drained afterward, i dont do anything artistic because it doesnt lift my spirits and i have to be in a positive mood to create anything, my cat is independent and so is my tortoise. i have no one to live for really. and if i was given all the money i ever wanted, what would i do, ? I'd do some positive things, like create some new womens and mens shelters in town, etc, but when the rest is left for me to enjoy, after i took care of my family, i wouldn't really want to travel. id move to some remote place, with my internet and comics, and do nothing, id like to think id be at peace even if i was lonely, id love nothing more than to live quietly , in nature. with a few things i enjoy like some internet access and my comics and my family. i dont want to see the world, i dont want to climb mountains, i dont want to be a social butterfly, i dont want to work for anyone and i dont want my own business  im just done
ranting vent
Depression Support / by TheBestScreenName
Last post
 May 30th
...See more Things are progressively getting worse for me. I am dealing with life long depression , social anxiety disorder, PTSD, and probably a few other things. These issues are treatable , in my opinion for someone either not dealing with more than one problem at once, and are fresh into the problem. Meds, coping skills, CBT,DBT, Exposure Therapy, all great things, for those who have just learned  what their problem is, and have not given up on life, and have people in their life to help them achieve their goals. Now take me for example, I am 45, been dealing with depression, since I was a child, then progressed into anxiety and social anxiety disorder, then progressed into PTSD,  been on meds off n on most of my life, still on meds now, to just keep me from not setting houses on fire or worse. no job, no solid work history, no social network i can rely on daily, no car,  and i read how exposure therapy can work, and I am like, well ya, for someone who still has the fight in them to want to have a life, to want to recover, and has a few good people in their life on a daily basis, and the person has a goal that they are excited about and wants to achieve. I have none of that, I have one place I honestly enjoy in town and that is my local comic book shop, it took me a solid year, to just converse with staff and get acquainted with them, another year to talk to a regular customer I had seen there an wanted to chat with, and to ask about employment. and that was how long " Exposure " took me. and now i have honestly given up on life. I am just existing. at some point, when society is a bit more stable, and i guess the economy is right, Ill sell my home and try something. what, i have no real clue, in terms of using that money to be some what financially stable. but i will find a cheap piece of land, and get a single wide and hook it to solar power at a minimum, and a water well if possible. if i can cross of two big utilities, that just leaves paying for removal of garbage, sewage, and property taxes and food. already had a gastric bypass so that is helping cut down on food expenses.  but my drive for life is gone, my hope is gone,  my mom passed 2 years ago and i still hurt from her passing, i miss her every single day, i catch myself often verbally telling her i love her, or just calling out to her, pretending she is going to respond. my pop is getting up there too. i could write a book on the dreams i did pursue, and how they bit me in the rear, and left me out in the cold with zero support afterward, left literally with no idea of how to readjust to life, no one to check up on me and see how i was doing. just poof gone, like i never existed. life for me has become so exhausting, i am out of hope, and all i know is that every time i try, i fail. so what good are meds, therapists, coping skills and etc, when your gas tank is empty, your engine is broken, ya got 3 flat tires, you are out in the middle of no where on the side of the road, and to boot, ya got only one leg to walk on, and someone passes by and smiles and says, DONT GIVE UP! HANG IN THERE! IM SENDING POSITIVE VIBES YOUR WAY, and they wave at ya and keep on going. To be followed by a doctor who tosses ya pills and suggestions and says good luck, to then be passed by a mechanic who says hey go get a new car. an maybe somebody with half a brain, tosses me a bottle of water, maybe even a cold bottle of water, before saying well that is all i can do, good luck. Now toss in organized religion, that is exactly what they do, but they also top it off with a gentle smile and a, I will pray for you, as they walk away and wish you the best. And it isn't like i want people to do everything for me, it would just be nice to be loved and have people in my life that want to be in my life daily and can walk with me. and sadly my depression and anxiety has hindered that. an still does. or i try to reach out and meet someone and it goes no where. so i stop trying. and i am left with one leg, being told, just keep climbing that mountain, and when ya get to the top get ready for a butt kicking contest. And what is somewhat funny, is , my life could actually be worse than it is. I do all this complaining and i get resentful, because I know my life could be worse than it is.
venting
Depression Support / by TheBestScreenName
Last post
 March 27th
...See more i've had my gastric bypass, and it has almost been 2 weeks now, i've lost significant weight, and my family is proud of me, and i am not proud of myself, losing the weight doesn't excite me any, and honestly i do not care about it. i am doing everything right with my diet and im not going to screw it up. the problem ive had for the past 2 years is moving. it has been draining me so much. I have no choice anymore but to move on with my life, i cant afford to live in my family home, and that money is going toward my future and it scares me to no end. I barely have a day that I can say I enjoy because of the stress of having to fend for myself. im scared that in the end what im going to do is just sell the home, buy an RV and drive till I can't afford to drive it any more. im even more scared that ill try to make a go of things as I have planned and it will work for a few and then eventually fail, if not fail right out the gate making the investment and sell of the house just go poof. and there are just no good answers, i keep looking for someone to take me in and care for me like ima friggin stray dog or something,  
A Mix of Things.
Depression Support / by TheBestScreenName
Last post
 March 13th
...See more So March 5th I had my gastric bypass surgery. As of today's date, I am healed and feeling about 99%. The problem is loneliness. My older sister was with me for a week but she had to return home to her husband and life. So I am back to living in my situational depression, and my loneliness due to my social anxiety disorder, and while I have physically done something good for myself by having this surgery; I can't seem to be excited or care that I have done it. There are more pros than cons for having it done which was the only logical reason I can come up with to justify me having done the surgery. I need to find something I can volunteer at during the day for a few hours. I want to cry so bad. My meds do their job though.
Morbid anxiety
Anxiety Support / by TheBestScreenName
Last post
 February 2nd
...See more 45.single.male, and no children here from the USA... I think my psychologist gave up on me, she would probably say she didn't but made the mistake of putting the responsibility on me to schedule my next appointment and that was the only excuse I needed to say adios. Had she said okay we will meet again in two weeks, fine I probably would have made the appointment. Anyhow. I have a lot going on mentally,  I have a social anxiety disorder, and a co-dependency problem (my therapist said she couldn't help me or tell me what to do about a certain situation because that just feeds into my co-dependency which made sense but sucked.) I have PTSD, and I have a problem with passive suicidal ideation ( the only good thing is when I did have a severe psychotic breakdown, and I owned a shotgun, not once did I go for it. so I take that reflection to mean I'll just end up being homeless rather than ending it because I can't put the few loved ones I have into pain from ending it). I am taking positive steps to fix myself, but I am not enjoying the process. By the end of Feb, I'll have a gastric bypass surgery, and hopefully, by July I should be down 80 lbs or more and by the end of the year I should be down by 100 lbs or maybe even a tad more. Once the weight is down to where I am comfortable I'll probably take an acting class and/or a public speaking class to combat my social anxiety disorder. Once I have done that, I will put my home on the market, because I have become a financial burden on my father as he has been financially supporting me too long. And I am going to split the sale of the house to find some land to put a shipping container home on a 40ft. and hopefully either get solar power or a water well and use the rest to start my own business I can either own and have other run or just run myself.  I am leaning towards selling coffee and having a small cafe-ish, eventually. But I dabbled with the idea of buying a roaster and a teardrop trailer to sell coffee from or just do a trailer. again depends on $. Sounds exciting but it isn't. Sounds positive, but it isn't. It is extremely risky because I have one shot to make it work. I do not have a backup plan, and I am not a business person. I have been doing research, I know about margins, I know about taxes, permits, etc for everything I want to do. I got an idea if I do manage to scrounge up a small cafe to partner with a willing chef to make a small morning-to-brunch menu. Because coffee alone for a cafe doesn't really make it a cafe does it? so the time line to make it all happen is about 3-5 years. I guess I need to start planning on a backup plan which boom here it is, when everything fails, business-wise, sell everything, and then use that money to sustain wherever I am living, by I guess getting the other half of what I need between solar and a well, whichever I don't have to get the other and boom no more utilities at least. The biggest issue I want to work on, between now and after the surgery is getting into public speaking/acting classes, and socializing to a point where I am meeting single people my age range, which can hopefully help lead me to finding having a woman in my life. The problem is I am doing this all alone. My family and friends are too old or too busy to be in my life daily, and the only motivator to do anything is the fact that my dad is paying too much for me to live in the family home. If I can't get over my social anxiety, can't handle running a business, and can't handle moving, I don't know what I'll do. Part of me does hope for WWIII, my brother and his family live in Europe and that would give me a reason to sell everything and go to Europe to protect my brother and his family. It would mean getting off the rest of my meds, but I could do it. An just live long enough to make sure my brother and his family are safe. But I suspect what will happen is a total failure, no WWIII to bail me out of the rest of my life, just a failed business attempt, a failed attempt to live on my own, and me living homeless in an RV till I end up out in the woods where authorities can't find me and chase me away. With my siblings just pitying me and wishing they could help me but don't know what to do and we will pray for you. At least I won't be working for stupid MFers anymore and be micromanaged and I'll be at the top of the food chain in my own tiny world for a micro-moment before it comes crashing down. Just sharing, not looking for any gee whilikers good vibes what an exciting adventure you are going to have comment. Cause the reality is I am living in a nightmare that I can't wake up from or end any time soon. An there is zero chance I am going to find a woman who will want me for me as I am and want to take this kind of risk with me, because it is just too friggin bananas. Sad, lonely, scared and done with life, and I am giving it one last push before I say no more.
Jumping into the Deep End
Anxiety Support / by TheBestScreenName
Last post
 January 3rd
...See more 45 single male here. Some may find what I am going through to be positive and good, but for me, it is very dangerous and can lead to a failure I can not recover from. I am seeing my psychologist tomorrow, I hope she can help me with this, and I have no clue what I am going to address tomorrow so. I am going to sell my family home I inherited in about 3-5 years. It is past time I leave, and either move north an hour away if I can find the land I want to build on, or just leave the state completely. One factor that is stressing me out is whether can I handle moving away from my elderly dad. My siblings have given me the okay to do it, but still, it is a choice I have to decide and live with. I plan on finding land that I is dirt cheap, hopefully remote, and no trees so I can set up a true off-grid place to live. Hopefully with both solar power and a water well.  I have been researching this for years now. And am beginning to look into what it would actually cost, along with living in a 40ft shipping container. So basically I have to a dollar amount written down as to how much it will cost me to buy land, pay the initial taxes, and get the off-grid set up I need to survive frugally. one I have that amount, I then move on to figuring out if how much it will cost me to start my own coffee business I have a few numbers already, but once I make up my mind which way I want to go in the coffee world I'll need those numbers. Then once I have both of those numbers, I can do the math on how much I have to get from the sell of my home to make all of that happen. Like rock bottom. An that is also including needing a storage unit and at least a month rental place to live at while my new place is being built and shipped. That is a big number but I think I can get it. The problem is let's say I have to choose between living frugally off-grid or starting my own coffee business, which do I choose, probably the coffee gig because then I can save up to get where I want to be, then it becomes where to live that will make it impossible for me to ever move. The real problem is the business aspect if I can't make it work, to have a liveable income off of. I am done. There will be no more security blankets to rest on. It is either sink or swim and that is very literal. Add to all of that, I have a mood disorder and other mental health issues I am dealing with, that I am being treated for, I have to rely on the VA for medical needs so that also means I have to be in driving distance of the local VA where ever I go.  And I can not afford to get a college degree. AN to kick it all off, the first thing I am doing in 2024 is getting a gastric bypass in hopes of getting my weight off and gaining enough energy to be remotely close to doing any of this. At worst, once I am healed up and pretend I can't handle life, I still have to move because I am unemployed, and living off of a stipend by my family, which is not going to be sustainable to keep paying the property taxes on the home that I no longer want to live in. So bare minimum, I am buying an RV, and hitting the road until the money from the sell of the home runs out, and at that point, I will be stranded and homeless if I have not parked the RV somewhere remote that no one can find and report and have taken from me. Please feel free to try and BS me some sparkle sunshine positivity as to how everything is going to be okay, at a minimum it will help you to not curl up into a corner and suck your thumb while rocking yourself into comfort.
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