I Hate Working
The new year is here, and I'm back to my same old feelings about work. Today is my first day back since December 22nd and I woke up with that all too familiar sense of dread for the day ahead. I've convinced myself that I am going to pass young, like in my early 60s, and that I will inevitably be working until the day I pass. This thought fills me with so much sadness and anger that it's really hard to get through the day. I'm 42 now, both of my parents passed in their 60s (dad was 62, and mom 67 this past July), and other family has also passed younger. It seems to be a thing in my family, and this I'm convinced that I will follow suit. Everyone that passes in my life just reinforces these feelings.
And it's not the job or the people I work with. I took a job in IT Service Management in Aug of 2022 and I have excelled pretty quickly in the position. I got a promotion after less than a year. My boss is easily the best boss I've ever had in any job on my life. He's very patient, understanding and compassionate. I'm very open with him about my mental health issues (the depression and grief, I've not opened up to him about hating work yet) and he always supports me and tells me to do what I need to do. I told him this morning that I was struggling and without hesitation he told me to reschedule my meetings for the day and to take whatever time I needed. He's just an amazing human being, which honestly makes this situation even more difficult and distressing, because I always feel like I'm letting him down as well as myself.
This is just so tiring. I've been trying to find a psychiatrist but have been having a really hard time with that too.