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hematite43
1 62,749 M Confident Walk 9
PathStep 64 Compassion hearts8,497 Forum posts135 Forum upvotes218 Current upvotes218 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceMay 2, 2016
Bio

There are vampires at my door


























Recent forum posts
A quote
Anxiety Support / by hematite43
Last post
 July 28th
...See more This one spoke to me... "No amount of anxiety makes any difference to anything that is going to happen." --Alan Watts
I watched a movie last night...
Depression Support / by hematite43
Last post
 March 2nd
...See more And I'm so sad. So heartbroken for the characters...and for myself. I haven't related to something so much in a long time. I doubt the movie is something that many 7 Cups folk will (or have) watched, but it's about isolation and loneliness and being scared and feeling abandoned and that's all me, all the time. Interesting timing in that my therapist and I had just had a discussion about meaning. He suggested that, absent any inherent meaning in this universe, the strongest meaning we as humans can find is our relationships with each other. Seeing the movie after that conversation with my therapist has really hit me hard. I suppose I feel "seen" in the light of those two things. And the movie has all these other little themes that intersect with my experience and I really feel off-balance now. ***, it hurts. I haven't cried like this in...forever. There's no way I could discuss this with another person in "real life" or in a chatroom, so I'm writing it here. I wonder if I'll bring it up with my therapist, as he's the only person I can think of who might have seen the movie.
What to do...
Depression Support / by hematite43
Last post
 January 16th
...See more It's all just empty. I look forward into the future and just see the grey fog. I don't know what to do about that. Nothing seems interesting or appealing or rewarding. It's all just sort of like why the *** should I care? The therapy isn't changing this, nor are the antidepressants. So what?
Multiple griefs
Grief & Loss / by hematite43
Last post
 January 14th
...See more My uncle had a heart attack a few days after Christmas. It seemed that he was doing better, but now it seems that his prognosis is not good. He can't swallow on his own, is aggressive with the medical team, and is in a lot of pain. Given his age and other medical issues, the outlook is bleak. In other news, I'm beginning to feel sad about the end of my current job. It doesn't come to an end until early next year, but I can "see" the end from here. I have mixed feelings about this job in general, but the imminent end also feels like loss. I'm tired and sad and worried.
Who Am I?
Depression Support / by hematite43
Last post
 September 25th, 2023
...See more Obviously I'm depressed, given that I'm posting here. I struggle a lot with finding a purpose or a goal. These past several years, I've existed in a great deal of negativity. It's very hard to shift that mindset, especially since I see so little hope for the future. In watching a YouTube video today, I realized I've been engaged in a lot of judgment of others and that emerges out of and feeds back into negativity. I need to stop that and exist in empathy for others....well, compassion, really. It's far too easy for me to empathize without boundaries and that's not good for my well-being. I might be a well-educated, 40-something person, but I cannot predict all outcomes. Even when I do, I'm certainly not always right. A few situation this week have demonstrated this, to my pleasant surprise. But back to purpose...I think it may be useful in contemplating who/what I don't want to be, as much as I contemplate who/what I do want to be. That's all for now.
What to do when there's nothing you can do?
Depression Support / by hematite43
Last post
 September 8th, 2023
...See more I think my current bout of depression is related to the realization that there's nothing I can do in the face of the catastrophic factors, namely climate change and AI, that are/will cause misery and suffering for humanity. But, more fundamental than that, is this belief I have that humanity can and should improve itself, that we should try to be more/better than we are as a species. Obviously that isn't going to happen because human nature doesn't really change, and it's just as easy for humanity to fall back into a dark age after periods of enlightenment. Sometimes we're good and sometimes we're bad. That's just what we are and there's no shame in accepting it. Still, it's very hard for me to let go of the idea that we elevate ourselves as a species. So, with all of that said, what's the point on caring about anything?
Tired and inertia
Depression Support / by hematite43
Last post
 July 9th, 2023
...See more Do you ever just feel tired of stuff? Like even going through a the multi factor authorization on an account is exhausting? I called in sick to work. I will have to go to my therapy appointment this afternoon because I'll get charged anyway if I don't. I just don't want to do anything but stay at home. I don't know where this came from all of a sudden.
Anxiety / Mistakes / Perfectionism
Anxiety Support / by hematite43
Last post
 July 11th, 2023
...See more I'm very, very tired. I made what I think is a relatively small mistake at work. I'm pretty sure it can be fixed, but I am tired of making mistakes... I know that humans make mistakes and I know that I have issues with perfectionism. I'm sick of catastrophizing small mistakes. Well, at least I have a topic to discuss at therapy next week. I'm tired of being terrified of mistakes and I'm tired of perfectionism and control freakery. Making mistakes prompts me to loathe myself even more and I hate that too.
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