I Hate Working
The new year is here, and I'm back to my same old feelings about work. Today is my first day back since December 22nd and I woke up with that all too familiar sense of dread for the day ahead. I've convinced myself that I am going to pass young, like in my early 60s, and that I will inevitably be working until the day I pass. This thought fills me with so much sadness and anger that it's really hard to get through the day. I'm 42 now, both of my parents passed in their 60s (dad was 62, and mom 67 this past July), and other family has also passed younger. It seems to be a thing in my family, and this I'm convinced that I will follow suit. Everyone that passes in my life just reinforces these feelings.
And it's not the job or the people I work with. I took a job in IT Service Management in Aug of 2022 and I have excelled pretty quickly in the position. I got a promotion after less than a year. My boss is easily the best boss I've ever had in any job on my life. He's very patient, understanding and compassionate. I'm very open with him about my mental health issues (the depression and grief, I've not opened up to him about hating work yet) and he always supports me and tells me to do what I need to do. I told him this morning that I was struggling and without hesitation he told me to reschedule my meetings for the day and to take whatever time I needed. He's just an amazing human being, which honestly makes this situation even more difficult and distressing, because I always feel like I'm letting him down as well as myself.
This is just so tiring. I've been trying to find a psychiatrist but have been having a really hard time with that too.
@VintageDougers thank God you have a great boss. It's scary isn't it the thought of during young? Tw) I been told by the doctors it will be a miracle if I live to 40. So I understand how much that can play in your mind. The recent loss of your mum I know has crushed you😞 I've never had to work, so I don't really know the words to comfort you best with that, sorry. Just remember you are doing your best, and that's awsome ❤ you should be proud of yourself ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤ sends you a rainbow 🌈of love
I think what makes these feelings even more difficult is the response I'm usually met with when I vent to people about these feelings. It's always something like "Oh yeah no one likes to work but unless you hit the lottery what other choice do you have?" That response honestly makes me even more depressed because it validates the thoughts in my head that I'm not in control of my own life, that I'm going to have to work until I'm in my 60s and then pass, and that's it.
I also feel pretty pathetic for letting this get to me so much. With so many other things going on in the world, with so many people who have real actual problems, who am I to get so upset about something some people strive for? Why do I obsess about this so much? I feel like I don't know myself anymore.
@VintageDougers hey your going through a difficult time at the moment, you have every right to feel the way you do ❤ don't compare your problems to others, because your problems matter just as much as anyone else. Have you spoken to a doctor/health professional? Only they can help with depression and anxiety and grieving. Gives you a giant tiny hug ❤ your not alone in all this, I care about you we all do ❤
@VintageDougers Can relate a lot to how you feel. Also the whole "yeah everyone wishes they could win the lottery and not work!" feels rather crummy. I think it's not a great response towards those of us going through a hard time (whether mentally and/or physically).
Your feelings about hating work are valid. It's OK to feel upset about it. To be honest, I feel like humans aren't really built to work 8-12hr shifts a day, 5 days a week. Two days barely feels like a recovery from it... Most of our day is away from home, away from our family/friends/our own time working towards a corporate place where we're just a number, slaving away.
Yes, it's nice we have coworkers and/or bosses that can relate to us...but the whole grind can get to us and wear us down overtime.
I'm glad that your boss has been understanding and considerate of you. He sounds like a good support. If for some reason you feel you can no longer bare the job, I'm sure he would be happy to write a reference letter for you, he sounds like a good guy.
Also, I think it's great that you're looking into a psychiatrist. I hope you are able to find one to help you. I've been looking for new therapists and it's been a struggle to be quite frank. I feel like giving up sometimes, but...I'm going to keep trying. They might be able to help with the PTSD/depression I'm dealing with.
@ImpudentIncognito Thanks so much for relating and commiserating with me. I've been in touch with my doctor and she's recommended a new medication to try. I'm very nervous about trying this because the possible side effects are really not great, but at the same time feel like I just need to try something. I'm still up in the air, but I've got the pills now and will most likely give them a try. 😕
@VintageDougers Some questions. You don’t mind the job but you hate work? What specifically about working do you hate?
@FlatenedByLife Thanks I appreciate the questions, it's good to make myself think about it sometimes. I guess the older I get and the more people I lose, the more I'm struggling to find the point in the "daily grind" when life is so short. I think I've built up a resentment for work because I feel like it prevents me from really living life if that makes sense.
I've seen many different mental health professionals throughout my life and have never really found someone who I felt really helped me. That's what's prevented me from seeing someone up until recently. However I had a major loss in my life recently and since then my depression has been terrible. So I have been looking for someone else to see. I don't know why I focus on psychiatrists, maybe I should broaden the search and just try to find anyone at this point that might be able to help. My wife has been suggesting hypnotherapy but I'm nervous about that.
@VintageDougers A few more rhetorical questions you might want to ponder.
@FlatenedByLife I'm happily retired at the age of 23. But yeah it gets pretty boring and lonely. How's my buttie doing??😛
@Tinywhisper11 We got to get you playing shuffle board and bingo then 😂
doing well my buttie 😂
sending big hugs 🫂
@Tinywhisper11 What? You? Play pranks? Nevvver would I believe it! Tiny at bingo marking extra numbers on old folks bingo cards when they aren’t looking, or calling out numbers that don’t exist, “B-50799”, yelling out “Bingo” randomly, launching the shuffle board puck at old folks feet while they sit playing bingo, tapping someone’s shoulder from behind and rolling away before they can turn around. I can’t imagine you doing any of that. 🪰🌵🌹💐🌹🗯💭🫧🤣😂🤣😂
@Tinywhisper11 Sharpies aren’t sharp. Why don’t they call pencils sharpies? Anyway, closest I ever came to bingo is watching it on TV. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get into my Mrs. Doubtfire costume and go play bingo. 😂😂😂😂
I think I might relate. I've lost all my enthusiasm for work. Much of it comes from burnout. Some of it comes from supervising other people. Still more of it comes from the dreadful career field I'm in. I certainly could use a career change, but I can't think of anything interesting or rewarding.
In theory, I want to work. I certainly don't feel like I'm above it. It just holds no appeal for me at all.
In the meantime, I'll just try to push my way through since there's not any other alternative.
@VintageDougers
This all really does feel like insanity doesn't it? I feel the same way you do. I too have suffered great losses as well - (Mom/69, Dad/62, Brother/39 so within past 7 years. For me I think I hate work so much because it seems so superficial and a constant grind but never really getting anywhere. For me I just don't feel fulfilled. If I work I want it to have meaning and propose behind it and nothing in "corporate" does it for me. So I go to bed with dread and wake up with dread knowing that I have to keep repeating this until I die - like you. But I see others doing what they love and being successful. When I try to take steps to do something that means something to me I just pulled back down into the pit because of the need to make money to support my family. Do you think you feel the way you do because you don't feel like you are living with purpose?
@yellowPear9029
Thanks for commiserating. I do think some of it is that I don't feel fulfilled or like my work doesn't matter. I've thought about looking for a new job that might fill that gap, but I know for certain if I change careers I will make far less money, and might end up with a boss who isn't nearly as caring and compassionate as my current boss is. For those reasons I stick it out.
I started on a new depression med a few weeks ago and think that might be starting to help me too. I don't wake up with the immediate sense of dread and despair I had been waking up with for a while. But that's not saying meds are for everyone, just what I've decided to try.
Truly hoping you can find the fulfillment you're looking for too Pear.