You had me at trigger warning…
I’m really sorry if this triggers anyone but I’m sitting here alone with my boyfriend and his son upstairs before 6:30am and I just got high. I had made it all week without it (meth) and then my friend called and asked me to come by and we got high together yesterday and he gave me some to keep me going. Every time I get it in my head I’m going to just walk away from it I don’t. I get through the worst of the withdrawal (though tbh I haven’t been smoking it daily for months now) I end up in a situation where I don’t say no. I realize that I’m putting everything I love at risk. Everything I’ve worked for for 10 long months and I know that I can lose everything, and I literally mean everything but I can’t seem to walk away from it all completely. Rehab or even a sober living community aren’t options because I can’t afford either nor can i just walk away from my beloved little family. I’ve already lost the honor and respect and love from my own adult children and it’s a daily struggle not to smoke daily but here I be, using again and ashamed. Very ashamed. It’s not even like I really get high, I never have. My effed off brain wants to use meth to focus and get the brain behaving better than without. I can’t wait for my psych evaluation next week for ADHD.
it’s almost my birthday and I’m gonna quit for real. I’m gonna walk away from the people who are “helping” me continue to use and keep myself with the people who are sober. It’s not gonna be fun but I’ve done it before I can do it again. I have to. Or I’ll lose everything. My home, my love, my bonus kids, my actual kids, everything. I won’t even have a car to live in if anyone else finds me using. I’m scared but resolute. I’m not even sure why I’m doing this now except I wanted to wake up.
I’m not sure exactly if I’m looking for advice or just needed to get this off my chest but thank you in advance for any support or advice. 🥺
@versatilecat1977 I think you need to walk away from the people who provide you with it. Because that's not really a friend is it? The fact that you can go days without says you're strong enough to give it up completely but it'll be hard I'm sure. I think a lot of people relapse with just about any bad habits or addiction they're fighting with
Oooooooojh. The steps. Been there done that. I’m not a fan. I’m a godless heathen who has a tendency of being brutally honest and I have to stay sober not be triggered by every story and every meeting just going over and over what it’s like being high and how miserable I am without it. So I appreciate you but no. I finished my semteps long ago when I quit pain meds and I hated everything about it. It’s just too much like going to a church event and being a godless heathen is much more fun than being a Christian in my opinion.
I have walked away from my only friends now. It’s just me and my boyfriend. I’m still going to go get Hugh shortly but once it’s gone it’s gone. Funny how thing go sometimes… One of the friends decided that he would try to kiss me so I punched him and told him that he had crossed a hard line and that he knew that I would punch him bc and if he didn’t then he’s never been a friend of any sort. Do that was easy.
i know I cannot change my kids minds if they’re not willing to be open minded and around me. So I’ll quit tomorrow or Friday and I’ll be rough for a couple days but I always get through. I don’t want to quit if I’m brutally honest but I know that’s the addiction monster talking. He lies just as my anxiety does. I’m working on finding a therapist that takes my insurance and whatnot and I have a full psych evaluation in a week. They’re looking for ADHD and to see what else is squishing about in my noggin. I’m hopeful that this will b allow me to actually learn how to make this executive dysfunction a superpower not a liability. I’m really trying to avoid more pills but I don’t think I can do that yet. Maybe never.
I’m very lackadaisical today and I’ve been obsessively trying to write a letter for each of my kids but it’s hard not to get upset about everything. So I’ll go watch some tv and crochet and see how I feel later.
@versatilecat1977 That makes a lot of sense. It would be hard to go there and constantly talk about the thing you're trying to avoid. I guess that they would have god a part of it like they do AA. I guess it's supposed to provide people with some kind of comfort and strength - idk I'm not religious either. To much hypocrisy in religion for my taste. It's a battle knowing you should quit something but that something helps you cope with the world
I had my psych evaluation yesterday and he said I definitely have ADHD and definitely don’t have bipolar. Maybe OCD but everything he sees as a potential OCD symptom can be ADHD. He thinks I probably was on the mild side of ADHD when I was younger but that my TBI caused it to get worse as time goes on and we’re treating bipolar for 20 years. I’ll be 47 Monday.
I’m struggling really badly knowing this. Misdiagnosed by everyone else. I’ve never had a 4+ day manic episode. At most 2 days of something kinda resembling mania. No wonder I’ve been missing something in my entire being. The correct knowledge and understanding of what’s my major malfunction and now I need to figure out me with a different superpower. This is like Superman finding out that green kryptonite really doesn’t do anything to him, it was all placebo.
idk I’m struggling with everything right now and it’s just hard today. To do anything. It took motivation and effort just to do this reply because I’m just not good today. And yeah I’m kinda scared that putting me on ADHD medication might not be good but I have to try and know. If I reach for my meth pipe not because I’m addicted but because I’m self medicating literally. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need it. I can ask for a sooner appointment than the end of the month with my psych nurse.
@versatilecat1977 It would be hard finding that out. And to know now that for 20 years you've been treating something you don't even have. What repercussions might that misdiagnosis have caused?
And I’m 3 days sober. It’s supposed to be out of my system now. It’s Friday. I’m still trying to figure out what’s gonna happen with these meds for the bipolar disorder that I don’t have so I don’t need but I know better than to just up and quit anything. I’ll connect with them Monday. I’m not feeling bad or good. I’m very meh. 🫤 But I have my cat stretching out down on the foot of the bed and that’s ok.
Thanks so much. I don’t feel pressured or obligated to respond. I’m enjoying our conversation. It helps to know I’m not just being overly dramatic. I feel overwhelmed but I’m trying my best to keep it together so that we can get through tomorrow, which is a big deal. My birthday party and the only people coming are my boyfriend, his 2 kids and myself and going to my parents house. My 2 adult kids have refused to attend, my brother has blocked me on everything, no reason given, and I’m doing my best to relax and just take it easy as I know this much stress can trigger a bad fibromyalgia flare or a migraine.
I’ve been reading a fascinating book and I have no idea what to do for dinner so I’m just gonna let my boyfriend decide. I tidied up the living room in anticipation of our new living room rug being delivered today and I’m still waiting for the thing to arrive but I’m excited about it. Hopefully it’s nice like it looks in the pictures and the reviews were good. 🤞🏻 So a little bit of light in the tunnel. It’s been a long week and it’s not over yet. Tomorrow will be interesting but whatever happens hopefully my parents don’t get too excited and overreact. They’re pretty laid back but they do have boundaries and once you cross them they don’t want you around. My boyfriend and his kids are my family. They adopted me and convinced me that I had finally found home. I live with my boyfriend and his son. His daughter is 26. I’m turning 47 on Monday. I don’t want to get older! Waaah 😭
@versatilecat1977 Congratulations on those three days of sobriety! I think that's great! One day and moment at a time
The party went ok. I wasn’t feeling great so I was off and on edge. Everyone noticed it partly because I was triggered by everything at my parents house and partly because I’m me. It’s Wednesday. Still sober though struggling. I’m craving it really badly right now and I’m gonna do some laundry and hopefully distract myself. Folding and hanging clothes is somewhat soothing to this poor bruised soul.
How are you doing? How has your week been going?
@versatilecat1977 It's hard to be in a house that holds a lot of triggers. I can't imagine ever being in my childhood home - just the thought alone makes me feel sick
I’m really sorry you’re having depression. I know what a drag it can be. I know how hard it can be to get out of bed and go do *** that just doesn’t feel fulfilling or rewarding or whatever. When everything seems like you’re doing it right for the wrong reasons or just struggling with life. I get it. Been there. Am there to a degree. I’m unhappy with some things in my relationship with my boyfriend but hopefully we can get past my relapse and even have a relationship.
Yeah it’s a *** day. The man went to the office but didn’t wake up the boyo so we were late to his day camp and then we forgot his lunch so I had to rush home to make his lunch and hurry back there to get it to him. It’s not far but it’s all side streets so it’s slow. I was a race car driver in another life. I hate going slow. then I had planned stuff with my alone time like finishing my book and getting some work done- I have a small business selling cool stuff on Mercari. It’s a buying and selling app. Not as commercial as eBay or as refined as Etsy. lol
Inst I ended up on the phone most of that time and then got caught up in by a task and was late to pick him up because my alarm didn’t go off to remind me what time it was. Do he’s doubly mad at me now, the boyo is. I’m making him put his laundry away and pickup the dirty laundry and put it in the basket.
Now The Man was at the office but he decided if another guy could just decide he was bored and wanted to work from home so could my man. So now he’s home.
i relapsed again. I used for a few days and tonight I’m telling the man. Not now while he’s in work mode but after dinner and after he’s had some time to decompress. Maybe. Tomorrow at the latest. I’m cognizant of the fact that he didn’t sleep last night more than 2 hours. So if he doesn’t feel good the last thing I’m gonna do is frag everything up and potentially *** him off even more when I could wait until he’s had some sleep and then we talk. Idk. I’m in a scared bad place and I got rid of everything that I had and the paraphernalia and flushed the last of it.
I put them at risk by exposing them even a little bit because I didn’t stop and think. I didn’t think about the fact that his ex could be back in town and she does shif like randomly calling the cops on him for delusional reasons. She’s literally a fully delusional paranoid schizophrenic who has been living in her own way for far too long. She’s dangerous and she’s crazy. But if she had done that and they discovered it my boyfriend could have potentially lost his son.
ok I know it’s a reach but it’s possible.
I’m trying not to overthink and beat myself up too much but I deserve a self flagellation today.
my ADHD medication is part of a national shortage. Nobody has it. Not in my dose. So I’m waiting for the office to call back and let me know WTF I’m supposed to do from here.
I hope you had a decent day. Mines been a roller coaster of existential epiphanies to depths of despair.
I’ll be ok no matter what happens. I’m a survivor.
As someone who struggles with addiction and attends Narcotics Anonymous I understand and can relate too you. I have been clean/ completely sober for a year now and it hasn’t come easily. One of two most helpful things I have learn though is that ‘ connection is the opposite of isolation’ and too remind myself ‘ Just for Today’. I also had too remind myself I have chosen this life and I’m doing it for me. I hope you may consider finding an NA meeting in your area or even going on zoom please type in ‘ virtual NA’. I wish you the best in your recovery and it takes courage too share what you have ( online or not). You have the desire too stop and I have faith in you. I hope that you got something out of this and that you are managing okay since this was posted too. Sending love and healing🙏
Thanks for sharing
I get it, injection was my way and I lost my mind, soul, love and still to this day fighting for sense of self.
the evil is hard to fight don’t be hard on self and just hold close your reasons to keep pushing through. You can do this. Promise
I haven’t been able to walk away from the stuff. I just smoke, I thankfully have no desire to shoot up because tbh I know that would be the end of me. I’d get lost in the drugs and probably put everything possible into my body because I would be at rock bottom’s basement. I would lose everything. Period. If I got caught right now I would lose everyone I love. Idk if I’d even have anywhere to go aside from a couple friends who would let me couch surf. I’d lose my cats, my parents, my boyfriend and his kids, I’d lose my home, and yet here I am with the glass pipe I my mouth and I’m doing the drugs anyway. I can’t pretend to understand why right now. I just know that I’m stuck right now and I will get through it like I always do. Idk how but I will.
@versatilecat1977 I moved my reply down here because replies have been ever soooo slowly sliding to the right and I use my phone more than my laptop
I'm sorry to hear you guys had a fight but really glad you both talked more in depth about things on Saturday
I wonder with your parents - do you think they could have been baiting you? I mean - I'm suspicious of people and their motives tbh but could they have been drawing you in to see what you'd have to say about your kids? Then again too - you said they've been reading about ADHD and are more supportive. Maybe they're genuinely put out by your kids behavior towards you
It's sad though that they didn't give any attention to the boyo. It would have been really nice if they would have connected with him over his Lego project (Legos are awesome btw!)
Could he have misinterpreted something between you and his friends? Or could he have been waiting for you to make a move? Have you talked with him about how he made you feel? It just seems really sad because I'm sure you put alot of effort and thought into what you wore and how you did your make-up. Did you talk on the way back home at all? Even if he was exhausted he could have gave you a kiss and told you how wonderful you looked and simply said let's just cuddle because I'm beat and then spent the morning making it up to you. If you haven't talked to him about how he made you feel - I think you should otherwise your hurt might turn into resentment. I'm really sorry your night out left you feeling this way
Don't let this be a reason to fall back into that world. That's not living. Yeah the numbness takes away the pain but it takes away alot of other things too. You've put alot of work into getting where you are now. A new therapist - reconnecting with your son and your parents. Those are all good things - even if your BF is being an idiot right now
*sending you peace and strength*
My BF got laid off Monday and I relapsed yesterday. My old buddy got me high and gave me a ton for free I couldn’t say no. That’s my biggest problem is saying no when it’s offered. I’m powerless against this stuff. I’m hating myself because I know I’ll keep using until it’s gone then quit again and who knows how long this will last but I’m just not caring for my own self or anything else right now and I know it. I just can’t seem to shake it off. I know why I fell off the wagon I know it’s not easy for anyone but it’s been easier than it is now and idk why I can’t seem to stay off it now. I understand that I’m addicted but I don’t understand why I can’t say no when it’s offered freely. It’s my kryptonite.
My parents are old and tired and disappointed with how life ended up for them. They’re just like my grandparents and they bicker constantly. My mom nags dad, my dad nags mom. Nobody is happy. My son said he wants to reconnect but he doesn’t want to talk. I have texted him and asked him to call me repeatedly but I got nothing. I wrote my daughter and never heard anything about it. I’m done trying to figure it out and they can call me anytime and start working with me instead of against me. I’m not perfect but I’m trying. I don’t think I can say the same about them.
Idk life is sideways right now. I’m having an ADHD day from *** and it’s not fun. My meds aren’t working right but I’m still adjusting to everything that’s changing. I’m going off high doses of Abilify and Klonopin. Life sucks. My boyfriend….. I love him but he’s a jerk sometimes and he’s got baggage I’ve got baggage and we aren’t comfortable communicating about sex. Anything else we can talk about for hours but not sex. Idk if he’s embarrassed or what. It’s just weird. I can talk about sex with anyone else but not the man I’m having sex with. I could be having sex with any guys in my life. All my friends have made it clear that I’m fair game if I become single. I’m scared tbh. I’ve got all guy friends and they’ve all made it clear they are interested now that I’m not available. I don’t get guys bi thought I did but I don’t.
I’m powerless before my addiction and I wish I believed there was a higher power that actually gave a **** about us so I could turn my problems over and have faith that something cared. I’m just not that blindly faithful. I question everything.
Shoot I gtg.
@versatilecat1977 I'm sorry to hear your BF got laid off. That would be kind of scary especially with the way the economy is right now
It’s Saturday night and everything sucks. No, nothing else happened it’s just been exhausting. The BF and I are kinda in a disagreement right now but I think it’s a fundamental difference that we will have to agree to disagree about. I don’t know yet for sure. I finally got tired of explaining myself to him and having him take every single thing literally and I just gave up. It’s just not worth it right now. We’re both tired and hurt and upset and it’s not gonna change anything to have a definite outcome right here right now. My brain hurts. I did a little this morning but that’s it. I only did that because I was out of my ADHD medication and had to drive to my phone side of town to get it. So yeah when I woke up at 5am because my BF wasn’t sleeping well I did some. I haven’t touched it all the rest of today. Maybe tomorrow I won’t do anything. And maybe the odds are ever in my favor right? Not. ill beat this. I just don’t want to yet. That’s the dangerous part.
@versatilecat1977 Hey :) How are you? How are things with your BF? It does get exhausting having to explain things constantly. It gets to where you just start not saying anything. Especially if it just causes more problems and isn't going to change anything
It’s been a really rough day.
I hope you’re doing ok.
I have a migraine today and he still needs me to cook eggo and stuff because he cooked last night. Because he said he wanted to cook. Whatever.
I’m going to crash.
I’m sober starting tomorrow. I promise. It’s fine. I just don’t have any now and I’m struggling with my migraine. And stuff happened with a friend. My best friend. He declared his love for me and asked me to be his ride or die. Because he’s going to run away instead of going to prison.
After he spent the last 18 months getting sober and turning his life around completely. He literally went from suicidal trainwreck to being a pillar in his community and amongst his sober living friends. He’s the house manager and hes busting butt working too. Hes got a puppy and he’s going to either go to prison for a really real long time or he’s gonna run away and be away either way. Sadly I can’t I don’t want to. Nope. I can’t do that. I love my BF. I’m in love with my BF. My best friend is just that. A friend. He had his chance to get my heart and he decided he wanted to steal my car more than he wanted to win my love. He chose. He returned my car 3 days later and without a word for 2 months while he got sober and got situated in his home and I got sober too. It was not easy but I did it. Then life happened. But not his ride or die. Not in this life.
idk I feel bad. I feel insecure and sad and he hasn’t said anything since I told him I was sorry, I loved him but I wasn’t his ride or die. I could see everything happening in one instant. I could see the end crystal clear. Just like people say. I have had a vision. I’m Irish enough I oughtta. I seriously saw him dying and I believe it would happen if we’re not careful. He’s not talking about it or to me or our other best friend S. She doesn’t even seem to know about the arrest
@versatilecat1977 Sorry it took me so long to reply back. I got alittle overwhelmed with life and lost track of time
So life is good.
day 7 sober completely
i haven’t had anything but weed. And I’m doing fine. Well I’m not fine but I’m doing good. I’m struggling with my ADHD medication. I’m not sure IV the meth is still affecting it, if the ADHD med doesn’t work for me. I need to do my dna test and drop it off at the most inconvenient Walgreens where it has a FedEx. I need to do stuff around the house. I need to fix a window screen and a hold in a wall where my boyfriend punched when he told us he got laid off. I need to get a new basement door where it slammed and hit the vacuum and cracked the door. I need to do everything while he builds the Gundam model we picked out together to build together that I cut out and sanded a dozen pieces and he took over.
I had PTSD nightmares all night long. I was up early. Before sunrise. I forgot my phone for awhile until 6:30am so idk what time
i actually got up. I woke up at 1am to get my boyfriend to come to bed. He’s not sleeping well. Lots of interviews but nothing exciting to report other than lots of potential that he’s applying for. He got his vacation pay and he’s waiting for his severance package. We’re ok right now.
My son’s 23rd birthday was yesterday. I spoke to him for about 30 minutes. He was getting ready to go up to the mountains and hit up the gambling towns. There 3 towns right in a row that all have gambling. It’s pretty crazy. I’ve been a few times but it doesn’t interest me except as an abstract and opportunity to people watch. And it’s one of the rare times I’ll drink.
The conversation was very stilted and uncomfortable. I confessed that I had relapsed but gotten sober and he really got distant. I confess I used his words against him. I reminded him of things he had said to me about his father and his alcoholic behavior through the kids lives. My son didn’t take that well. It seems like I was allowed to be addicted to pain meds and be force fed psych drugs and be messed up their entire childhood but meth addiction is not something they can face and accept. Idk. Thats just the feeling that I get.
I never thought I’d be content being sober mom and houseb1t€h but I am. We’ll never get married. We’ll never have our own kids (thank god). But we’re a family nonetheless. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Our one year anniversary is coming up. I’m gonna conspire with the uncle to get an overnight.
I hope you’re doing ok. I think about you, @mytwistedsoul and I send positive thoughts your way. I’m just trying to figure this stuff out and it’s hard.
Be well brave twisted soul. My soul is as dark as your own and as twisted and encrusted with broken shattered shards of everything. The torture is real and so is the darkness that you’re battling with depression and demons that are better left unnamed and unnoticed. I hope today is a decent day and you can feel some good things. Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.
later.
@versatilecat1977 That's great congratulations on the well I guess it's 9 days now? That's so awesome!
Maybe the dosage for the ADHD needs to be adjusted? I know alot of people have run into meds not working for them and they had that test done to help the doctors figure out what would help better
Day 10! Woohoo!
i feel ok today but I also feel like someone dropped a box of bouncy balls down the stairs and I’m herding them and cats. It’s a weird feeling. I’m pretty sure it’s the meds. I’m just gonna roll with it.
I’m feeling very girly today which is unusual for me. I have a shopping problem with my other stuff going on and I’ve been stressing because it’s been bad lately. See, I spin out and I get obsessed with buying like one thing and I get a bunch. So I have a million and one diamond paintings. But I dress like I’m still in high school. Always tshirts, jeans or shorts. I’m a tomboy who has aspirations of being girly. I wear wigs lol I’ve got Covid hair- I’ve had Covid 4 times and my hair is jacked. So I wear all kinds of wigs. I have over 20 probably 30 by now.
I spun out and bought a bunch of summer dresses. Sundresses and tshirt dresses and date night dresses. So I’m wearing all these dresses and today I’m feeling especially girly so I’m gonna go for it. Be all girly and go with my pick wig and everything lol
I’m happy today and it’s an unusual feeling.
day 10 is a good day. Even if my brain is a box of bouncy balls dumped down the stairs! 💜
Hi,
every time I try to leave meth the withdrawals are terrible and there is always someone who give me some. Last time a friend and I smoked together and later she injected me and it makes me feel super *** and now I feel addicted to this sensation, does it make sense?
I have never shot up meth so I don’t have the same experience with the withdrawal that you have and I’m so sorry I’ve watched dear ones struggle and suffer and I wish I could ease the process for you. All I can say is I’m on day 7 of being clean and while my body is still adjusting and revolting in some ways to being clean (let’s just say my stomach is a mess) it’s worth it. It’s worth the suffering of the withdrawal to have the clarity and the energy that comes with sobriety. The sense of peace and comfort and peace of mind and the calm is a welcome balm to my scorched soul. My battered soul is at last not hot and blackened ash, and I can see clearly now why I fell so hard again and what I need to do now to stay sober. I can’t screw up. I simply have no choice. I refuse to let a drug control my life and ruin everything I love nos. Everyone I love. Everything and everyone I have in my life will disappear if I continue with drugs. Period. No more nice cushy comfy life. No more awesome boyfriend who puts up with way too much from me. But continues to love and support me even as I struggle with my day 7. Which will be different for me than you but you will get there.
Who knew rock bottom had a walkout basement so I could escape the situation before I hit hard?
Beautiful soul, I believe in you! Your courage and strength is going to carry you through here. No matter what, you are making progress just by being aware and full of intention. All the love to you 🤍
@versatilecat1977 Hope you don't mind but I dropped it down here because of the lovely right shifting replies
Day fourteen yes? You're doing great!
I had to lol at the image of herding cats and bouncy balls. It's been a few days is the feeling any better?
Is there something that sets off the obsessive buying? Do you notice it while you're doing it or afterwards? I know impulse buying can be a problem with ADHD too
I bet your BF likes seeing you dressed girly though and the different wigs add a little spice. I have to admit I didn't know covid hair was a thing!
Omg feeling happy is an unusual thing isn't it?! There's been a lot going on and coming at you lately. It's nice to have good happy days
I hope you had a nice relaxing weekend and lost the bouncy ball feeling