Increasing Confidence and Self-Esteem
Hello Community!
We did a survey a couple of weeks ago where we asked what kind of growth paths you all would like to see. The area that received the most votes was Increasing Confidence and Self-Esteem.
I'd like to do an experiment with you all where we collectively share what has helped us learn, understand and increase confidence. These can be personal experiences, things people have said to us, books or ideas we have come across, talks or short videos we have found on YouTube, images that speak to us etc.
Let's share all of the above in this thread. Then, let's work together to figure out how to make these steps or exercises that can be used to help others become more confident. Once we iterate on them, we will then move them over to the Increasing Confidence and Self-Esteem growth path.
Please do not screen too much here. We want to get ideas flowing and we can always evolve them as we figure it out. Thank you and I'm looking forward to working with you all on this project/experiment!
Update: Okay I've just read through several of these and they are great. I'm going to make steps for these and point to the creator of each step to credit you all for you creativity and thoughtfulness!
Update 2: Path can now be found here.
@GlenM great idea for collective collaboration - following this space!
My great experience with my children at work is that if they write a diary about their positives. What are their bests, consciously pay attention for positive happenings. :)
@findyourself1900 awesome! Can you help me formulate this as a step? If you were to write this out to them, what would you say?
@findyourself1900 maybe something like this:
Whatever we pay attention to influences how we feel and how confident we become. Notice the positive in your life. Try to grow your noticing the positive muscle, so that in most situations your mind immediately sees the positive. This will give you the courage to keep moving.
Does that sound on target? If yes, what kind of image would you associate with this step?
Thank you. What do you mean about image? A picture for example?@GlenM
Resources that helped me the most are :
The skill of self-confidence (TED Talk).
The 5 Second Rule (Book by Mel Robbins)
The key to confidence, in my opinion, is to eliminate negative self-talk and start taking consistent action.
@somethingquiteoutstanding will check out the video! do you see this as 1 or multiple steps? Can you help me formulate how you would say these to a friend? We can then include what you write as a step.
Mel Robbins formula actually do wonders
Thank you @GlenM!
The key to building confidence starts with self-acceptance and having an understanding of things within our control vs those outside of our control.
For instance, I can choose self-validation and control how I respond to negative comments but I cannot alter someone else's opinion of me.
@Tazzie wisom Taz! I've learned this about 300x and counting :D
How would you write this as a step?
@GlenM
Thank you for starting a dialogue!
I think it helps to notice how we are the only ones focused on the idea of ourselves (how we look, how we feel etc) the reality is most people don't even think second of insecurity that you may have. No one sits around having a discussion of how you if you changed just one thing, how great you would become. We as humans are too focused on ourselves. It helps to know that people are not judging you as much as you perceive they are.
I have found reading books to be of help. The courage to be disliked is a particularly good one that can help one with self-esteem. Man's search for meaning also helped me focus on what truly matters.
Over the years I have developed some friendships/circles that highlight what I am good at and that also helps me be mindful of my own positives. Even when I am down, they can be the voice of reason. A support system is very important.
Lastly, I think in today's age, it is really important to address social media use. If you are spending a considerable amount of time following pages/accounts with a perfect life (perfectly filtered and capture highlights that we think are their actual life) then you have the tendency to compare yourself. Limiting social media junk/fast food (stuff that is great to indulge in yet harmful for your mental health) can make a big difference.
@Hope
Lastly, I think in today's age, it is really important to address social media use. If you are spending a considerable amount of time following pages/accounts with a perfect life (perfectly filtered and capture highlights that we think are their actual life) then you have the tendency to compare yourself. Limiting social media junk/fast food (stuff that is great to indulge in yet harmful for your mental health) can make a big difference.
I really agree with this! The amount of time spent looking at someone else's life is astronomic and does very little to boost our own confidence and self-esteem.
Listening - One Step At A Time!
@MistyMagic can you work with @hope and help me flesh this step out?
@Hope powerhouse pack of ideas here!!! Can you help me formulate these as steps?
@GlenM
For sure! I have added all options as 5 steps. Sent over a doc for content review
@Hope thank you! Will review and slate them in on Monday!
@GlenM
Here are my top "CONFIDENCE BUILDING" suggestions from personal experience and extensive research...
1) SMALL TINY SUCCESSES ARE CRUCIAL FOR BUILDING CONFIDENCE QUICKLY.
Always start with TINY or MINI goals that are so easy you can't fail.
The feeling of progress from tiny successes is the best way to grow confidence.
Take tiny steps... and very soon... you will go far.
2) JUST TAKE ACTION AND START... RATHER THAN WAIT TO FEEL MOTIVATED.
Taking action creates momentum and confidence.
3) ACCEPT THAT TAKING SMALL RISKS IS CRUCIAL FOR MAKING PROGRESS.
Progress occurs faster when one is willing to take a risk and perhaps make a mistake.
Learning and making progress is much faster then.
4) FIGURE OUT WHY YOU ARE STUCK... TO HELP YOU GET UNSTUCK
as explained here https://www.7cups.com/@7motivation
5) GET ON A VERY SIMPLE GROWTH PATH AND KEEP AT IT DAILY.
Even small tiny progress will create good momentum if done daily.
6) TRACK YOUR PROGRESS.
That will create feedback and inspiration. You'll be able to see your progress.
I use toothpicks to tally and track my progress right at the location where needed.
I also write a simple note on a piece of paper daily on my progress.
Any simple tracking method can help keep focus and make progress.
Seeing daily results greatly increases confidence.
7) FOCUS ONLY ON THE MOST ESSENTIAL THING FOR RIGHT NOW.
Just say no to everything that is non-essential for right now.
Most things are non-essential and non-useful.
8) MAKING MANY SMALL EXPERIMENTS IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN SPENDING LOTS OF TIME ON RESEARCH OR READING OR SEARCHING OR WATCHING VIDEOS.
Doing many experiments gives results quickly... and creates faster learning... and better ideas... and more progress.
Spend the most time doing... rather than the most time just thinking.
Doing things is much more rewarding and builds much more confidence.
Focus on the smart effort put in. Feel good about that because that is most important. Results will eventually follow.
9) HAVE A SIMPLE STRATEGY AND STICK TO IT.
Modify it as needed.
10) MODIFY YOUR ENVIRONMENTS AND PERSONAL SYSTEMS TO MAKE PROGRESS EASIER FOR YOU.
Design your environment so wanted behaviors are the easiest to do so become the default.
11) FIND SOMEONE TO HELP OR ADVISE WHENEVER NEEDED.
Getting help from the right person can be crucial to making progress.
Please forgive any typos above.
See my Forum Threads for ideas I already posted here
https://www.7cups.com/forum/search.php?searchForum=7motivation
@7motivation this is awesome! and thank you for adding them as numerical steps with titles and comments. One thing that I think would help people take this one step furhter is to add examples that people can hang onto. Things like - do 5 pushups everytime you go to brush your teeth or something like that. Do you mind updating with easy to relate to examples (my push up exerise likely doesn't meet this criteria!)
@GlenM
Here EXAMPLES ADDED to my top "CONFIDENCE BUILDING" suggestions from personal experience and extensive research...
1) SMALL TINY SUCCESSES ARE CRUCIAL FOR BUILDING CONFIDENCE QUICKLY.
Always start with TINY or MINI goals that are so easy you can't fail.
The feeling of progress from tiny successes is the best way to grow confidence.
Take tiny steps... and very soon... you will go far.
EXAMPLE GOAL: Open the book and just read the first sentence of homework assignment.
2) JUST TAKE ACTION AND START... RATHER THAN WAIT TO FEEL MOTIVATED.
Taking action creates momentum and confidence.
EXAMPLE OF JUST TAKE ACTION AND START - Just open the book and read the first sentence of homework assignment rather than waiting until "feeling" like doing the homework.
3) ACCEPT THAT TAKING SMALL RISKS IS CRUCIAL FOR MAKING PROGRESS.
Progress occurs faster when one is willing to take a risk and perhaps make a mistake.
Learning and making progress is much faster then.
EXAMPLE OF BECOMING WILLING TO TAKE A SMALL RISK TO MAKE PROGRESS - Just say hello to someone you think you might like.
4) FIGURE OUT WHY YOU ARE STUCK... TO HELP YOU GET UNSTUCK
as explained here https://www.7cups.com/@7motivation
EXAMPLE OF FINDING WHY YOU ARE STUCK:
Follow instructions on the web page above.
For example:
a) go through the list and notice which "stuck reason" seems to match you most right now (perhaps perfectionist)
b) then Google or Bing search for "how to stop being a perfectionist"
c) see all the great resources that are provided
d) start reading the one that you think most applies to you
e) apply the simplest idea that seems worth trying
5) GET ON A VERY SIMPLE GROWTH PATH AND KEEP AT IT DAILY.
Even small tiny progress will create good momentum if done daily.
EXAMPLE OF GETTING ON A SIMPLE GROWTH PATH AND USING IT DAILY:
Decide you want to "Get Confidence in Doing Math".
Get a piece of paper and write
"GET CONFIDENCE GOING MATH" at the top.
Then write a simple growth path like this...
Example Growth Path Step 1:
Google or Bing search for
"HOW TO GET CONFIDENCE DOING MATH"
Like this https://www.google.com/search?q=Get+Confidence+in+Doing+Math
Example Growth Path Step 2:
Do the first simplest thing on the list that seems most appropriate.
Example Growth Path Step 3:
Track progress and ideas for next steps daily on the piece of paper.
Example Growth Path Step 4:
Repeat the process above as needed for new issues that come up.
6) TRACK YOUR PROGRESS.
That will create feedback and inspiration. You'll be able to see your progress.
I use toothpicks to tally and track my progress right at the location where needed.
I also write a simple note on a piece of paper daily on my progress.
Any simple tracking method can help keep focus and make progress.
Seeing daily results greatly increases confidence.
EXAMPLE OF TRACKING PROGRESS WITH TOOTHPICKS:
Get a box of toothpicks.
Each time you do something that improves your confidence during the day (like do a homework problem).... take out one toothpick and put it in a special place on your desk.
Notice how much progress you are making whenever you look at the toothpicks.
The next day, add to your toothpicks and watch as the collection grows and grows over time.
EXAMPLE OF TRACKING PROGRESS WITH A PIECE OF PAPER:
a) take a piece of paper and at the top write
"MATH CONFIDENCE IMPROVEMENT LOG".
b) each time you do a math problem, make a short note.
c) notice how big the list gets quickly and how much progress you are making.
7) FOCUS ONLY ON THE MOST ESSENTIAL THING FOR RIGHT NOW.
Just say no to everything that is non-essential for right now.
Most things are non-essential and non-useful.
EXAMPLE OF FOCUSING ON THE MOST ESSENTIAL THING FOR RIGHT NOW:
a) write down on piece of paper what you think is important to focus on right now
(like "Call friend and ask for help on math problem").
b) decide to ignore everything else for now because it's not essential and won't be as useful.
c) call the friend and ask for help on the math problem.
8) MAKING MANY SMALL EXPERIMENTS IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN SPENDING LOTS OF TIME ON RESEARCH OR READING OR SEARCHING OR WATCHING VIDEOS.
Doing many experiments gives results quickly... and creates faster learning... and better ideas... and more progress.
Spend the most time doing... rather than the most time just thinking.
Doing things is much more rewarding and builds much more confidence.
Focus on the smart effort put in. Feel good about that because that is most important. Results will eventually follow.
EXAMPLE OF MAKING MANY SMALL EXPERIMENTS TO GAIN CONFIDENCE AND MAKE PROGRESS QUICKER:
a) try to cook something simple.
b) test it to see how it tastes.
c) notice what you like and what could be improved.
d) try another experiment based on what you learned and any new ideas you got.
Keep repeating until you find what works for you.
9) HAVE A SIMPLE STRATEGY AND STICK TO IT.
Modify it as needed.
EXAMPLE OF PICKING A SIMPLE STRATEGY AND STICKING TO IT:
Decide to get confidence to learn to cook something simple.
Pick a strategy perhaps like this:
a) search internet and find simple thing to cook that you like
b) cook it
c) improve it based on what you learned
(search the internet for more answers if needed)
d) if the above strategy isn't working, modify it by contacting a friend for ideas.
10) MODIFY YOUR ENVIRONMENTS AND PERSONAL SYSTEMS TO MAKE PROGRESS EASIER FOR YOU.
Design your environment so wanted behaviors are the easiest to do so become the default.
EXAMPLES OF MODIFYING YOUR ENVIRONMENT TO MAKE PROGRESS EASIER:
a) put reminders of your past successes on your desk to inspire confidence when needed.
b) remove distractions from your workspace so you can be more confident you won't be easily distracted by things close by.
11) FIND SOMEONE TO HELP OR ADVISE WHENEVER NEEDED.
Getting help from the right person can be crucial to making progress.
EXAMPLE OF FINDING SOMEONE WHEN NEEDED:
If unconfident and not making any progress and feel stuck,
then think of a person who might be able to help you make progress and contact them.
Please forgive any typos above.
@7motivation Awesome! Very helpful! Thank you!
@GlenM
You're welcome.
Here's an another example of...
making a tiny habit
for building confidence
in exercising regularly.
It's shown as a "storyboard" to
make it easy to "hang on to"...
or even to "hang on the wall" 
BELOW IS A TINY HABIT
TO ALWAYS EXERCISE AUTOMATICALLY
WHENEVER I PUSH THE MICROWAVE OVEN
START BUTTON
@GlenM
Here is a CUP version in honor of 7Cups!!!
@7motivation awesome! I appreciate you breaking this all down!
Might consider this!
This is a great conversation to have together!
I've been doing my own reading and learning for many years now. One concept that has stuck with me is a concept from a book (I provide author and title later, if anyone is interested).
The idea is that we all have a "Mean Girl" (but this would be adjusted to Mean Person for this site to include all) living in our head. The Mean Girl says things to me like "you're getting fat; that other person is prettier than you; you are so dumb- look at what you just said". Well, you get the idea: all of these mean things that we say to ourselves. For most people who struggle with self confidence, they just say "okay, Mean Girl, you're right, I'm dumb" and feel bad about themselves.
What I learned from the book is to CHALLENGE the Mean Girl! Stop and consider: if a stranger walked past me on the street and said "wow, you're dumb", would I just accept that? NO!! I would not. I would say "that is NOT TRUE and here are the reasons why I'm actually pretty smart ".
So why let my Mean Girl get away with that?? When an ugly or mean thought happens: Challenge it! Stop and consider how that probably is not true, without comparison to others: I am smart; I get compliments on how pretty my eyes are; maybe I have put on a little weight but I'm not fat, and besides I enjoy jogging, I could do that again and it would help me feel better about myself; I'm a good, kind person who IS worthy to be loved" and the examples can go on and on.
So for me, a BIG confidence builder was that after I started challenging, I realized that my Mean Girl kind of got quiet. She didn't have as much to be mean about because I challenged and proved to myself that it wasn't true.
I hope that I was able to convey the concept in a way that makes sense to others as well.
I hear you on that inner mean girl! 👏🏽
@Shipp this is so good! i've done lots of challenging negative thinking, but have never heard it anthropomorphized in this way. I like it a lot. I'm going to use this in the path. Can you help me find a good image (just point to the URL) to help me capture what a mean girl looks like?
@GlenM
When I think of an inner Mean Girl, this image is what comes to mind for me
And to make sure that I give proper credit, the author and book can be found here:
@Shipp thank you for sharing this image!
Conquering a little fear, a small thing outside my comfort zone, teaches me I'm capable of more than I imagined. It pushes me to take the next little fear head on. I love this idea, thank you all for posting your many ways, you are beautiful for being here and helping others. ❤ I'm learning many things here and I'm so grateful for you.
@wildwanderer we are grateful for you as well! Can you help me formulate this idea as a step? How would you coach another person to do what you are outlining here?
I would identify a small fear that they might hold, ie. Fear of spiders. This may seem big to the person, but it's a small impact on their life if there's failure. I would then advocate either going to a zoo to observe spiders and learn about them, learn how they help our ecosystems and prey on pest bugs, ect. I'm not really a coach, but I would consider a win to be that you confronted your fear head on, learned hopefully why you were scared, and also learned how to overcome that fear. If it doesn't work the first time, it's a deep set fear and might take more effort (stage fright anxiety for me is still something I'm working on for example). I hope this helps, I think it's an individual path for each of us to identify and think creatively to overcome.
@GlenM brilliant and compassionate as usual ♡
I've read other's replies such as:
○ self-acceptance
○ comparing someone else's highlight reels with our behind the scenes
○ small wins matter
○ self-limiting beliefs
Couldn't agree more that those points play part in building or destroying our self-esteem ♡
Is this going to be set of steps for each one?
Thank you for this Glen and all the best!
@ouiCherie thank you for your kind words and insights! Yes, can you help me formulate these into steps? I can help edit here with you or, if free, you can make them as steps and post the names of them here and I can add them to the path. Either way works for me. Thank you!
This may seem small but to me it was huge. After 6 months of unemployment I have a job and am contributing to my families welfare and trying to dig us out of the hole of bills. It was a huge confidence booster that someone wanted me
@Bellabug thank you for sharing this with us and a lot of people can identify with this process. The key thing I see here is that you kept persisting. You kept moving forward and you were then successful. You can use what you included here as an example. How would you help others keep taking steps forward with the challenges they are facing?