Ramblings 3

Going back to that letter, I’ve had intermittent flashes of memory, and anymore. Going back to that letter, I’ve had intermittent flashes of memory, And those flashes a memory I continuously wonder if they are mine or are they And those flashes a memory I continuously wonder if they are mine or are they are just memories of things I’ve seen on TV or elsewhere.

These flashes of memory I have tried to piece together and it may be possible that this person just sent his letter and card is somehow related to me. And from what I am gathering trying to put this all together it seems this person might be my sister, and that I may have two other sisters. I think that they are all older than I am, I think the closest one to me is at least 10 years older than I am, I think I don't know.

I suppose, I should interject here, that I am trying to do this message using this voice control or dictation thingy on my phone. So I apologize in advance, for the possible lack of punctuation and/or extra confusing wording.

I am also visualizing myself as it appears to be possibly in my teenage years. and with that I get this thought that I am all alone, that the three of them have moved on and begun their lives while I am still stuck in this miserable family dynamic. In this puzzle that I am trying to put together, the next piece, is the one that is in that mobile home or trailer and these three girls actually I guess young women that are possibly my sisters are there with several other people that I don’t recognize. And everything revolving around this flash of memory, is of this old man handing me an envelope that I open, and it contains a card, a Christmas card I think, and inside that card is money, not that it matters but I think it was $100 bill. I put the money back in the card and the card back in the envelope, then go up to the old man that handed me that envelope and I told him I didn’t want his money, to stay out of my life, and I told him to have a nice life. I then walked out of the trailer, and I hear a few voices hollering at me, but I must be ignoring them because I continue to get in the car and drive away.

The next part of the puzzle, is a bunch of blurred almost snapshots, and it appears like there’s writing of some kind on those snapshots. Over the last several hours I’ve been trying to focus and trying to get those images in focus. But the images I cannot get in focus however, the writing goes in and out of focus, like someone adjusting the focus on an old camera or a set of binoculars, but I think it says something along the lines of keep driving don’t look back you don’t belong. and when I think that I have figured out that set of writing, it completely changes. I think, that second set of flashing writing says something about a family dynamic, revolved around, lies and extreme drama, and more lies, is not a family, leave and don’t look back as long as that dynamic plays in their lives, they will never truly attempt to accept and understand you. And once again, when I think I have read that properly, it goes blurry, but I can no longer focus those images at all.

So what I think I’m going to do, is try this voice dictation thingy on my computer and send a letter to this person under the assumption that they are related to me. And with the possibility that they are my sister?

However, the point of my letter will be revolved around the fact that I do not know them, and they do not know me. And even if we are related and they are, my sister, the time has long passed for any reunion. According to the letter, this person is living a happy life, add into that the decades that have passed and where I am at mentally and physically, that is not a combination for success.

Those of you who read this will probably disagree with this. But if I left all of them behind years ago, because of that kind of family dynamic, that really is not a family type of dynamic, and that kind of drama and lies. If that is true, I do not, want any part of it. And if I’m wrong, which I have a lifetime of proving that I am wrong, well if I am wrong so be it. Trying to reconnect with strangers, who supposedly are living happy lives, and combining their happiness, their beliefs, their ideals, and all that that they have if that is still rooted in those lies of that early questionable Family dynamic. Then to combine that with the decades of darkness and negativity I lived in all these years, that definitely is not something to even be considered at this point, at this stage in life. I am too old, too stubborn, and too lost.

And a letter like that after all these years makes me wonder why? I I haven't been worth their time for all these years to send me a letter, and even in this letter it was all about them and they're happiness. Which is fine great and dandy. But there's no questions, or curiosity posed in that letter regarding me or what is going on in my life. There is a brief statement at the end of the letter along the lines of I hope you're doing well.

I don't handle change well, and the past several years, it seems like that is the theme of my life. I'm trying to navigate the complicated feelings that you all sparked in me lately. And that is a big change as well that I have to try and deal with, and I think with previous writing I have shown I am not navigating that change too well either.

Focus is really bad at the moment so I'm gonna stop once again.

Well I will start another message a quick one and then I will give it a break for a bit

YYY

@Tinywhisper11

I wish I could physically be by your side and help you any way that you needed and wanted ❤️❤️Hugging you snugly , I love you ❤️❤️

There's so much confusion that races around in my brain, I think I said before it's almost like a demolition derby in my mind. Just bouncing and racing around, and I lay here just staring off into nothingness, trying to grasp to anything that's bouncing around in there. As times like these but I wonder if it's actually empty up in there somebody just inserted a marble in my ear, so every time I breathe in and breathe out it's creating an airflow up in there and this is that marble bouncing around that's what I think it thoughts.

And then there's times that I can grass with thread or two and I can somewhat focus on what the threads are connected to and what they contain I try to maintain focus enough to get them put down here, I'm not even too sure why anymore that I find it important to write on my negativity and the dumb crap that happens to me on a daily basis.

I think at one point I might've thought that at some point probably long after I'm gone, that somebody would somehow and for some reason actually read everything that I have written here, not just in this, what's it called? Thread. I think I have quite a few of the so-called threads written in this community. But anyway, if somebody for some reason would actually read through all my ramblings and not try to take each part of it, to nitpick it, just read it and try to understand that there is so much that the people in this world that want to help, will never understand until they actually truly listen to those who are suffering. It has happened to me too many times, the person supposedly listening, and cares, has been groomed, for lack of a better word, that there are limited ways to “cure” those suffering like I do. The problem with that, is for people like me they are addressing symptoms and not the root cause of the problem., for example I suffer with severe depression, multiple anxieties including social anxiety, multiple phobias, physical issues, self-esteem issues, and I'll stop there for this example. But help would come in the form of somebody trying to cure depression and somebody else how to deal with anxiety how to deal with self-esteem and these things always seem to fall in textbook cures. Which I am a shining example of they don't work for everybody. Over the years I've been in many hospitals for my depression, and I have seen the transition into the total cure is group therapy. And this is where I get aggravated, how in the heck, do you expect someone trying to deal with Extreme social anxiety and other anxieties also suffering with severe depression to participate willingly in group therapy successfully? And if they don't participate to staffs expectations, they are basically shunned. In fact over the years, I have seen a downfall of staff even trying to participate with patience to help them. It's just a job anymore to them. And in today society I suppose I understand that reasoning. It's just not right.

I know I went off topic again, I rambled imagine that. The sad thing is in person I hardly say a word.

Just woke up from another old geezer nap. And it seems the ringing in my ears has returned, actually I think it was a buzzing or sounds of insects before and now it's actual ringing. I don't remember but I think I must've been dreaming because I woke up sweating again. For some reason the day I just can't get the pain to ease up actually got numbing down both legs into my toes. It's really irritating in the toes, but I've got Fugly toes too. They're all sorts of crooked, so with the numbness it kind of rubbed on each other funny and feels like they're on top of each other instead of side-by-side. And with my anxiety issues and phobias that doesn't help, it almost creates something there fear or something I don't know what it is but it's a fear of something.

I definitely can't keep my eyes open. The sunshine and bright, and my body is so messed up did it feel asleep is the best thing and the best time right now. I almost didn't get a stand for my flipping phone, I need to keep it up so I can see the screen for any mess ups using this voice dictation thingy.

I did right responses back to that letter I got from that stranger , I actually sent them off in two letters.. I wrote the one, which I ended up labeling is the second letter. However, I wrote it first. I started off basically warning this person that is probably not a good idea to read the letter considering it was based in the hint of all my negativity of my issues and due to the fact that they were supposedly living and happiness and enjoy, the best thing would probably be to not continue to read that letter. Then I sped down way and then put some dividing lines and then space down a little more then I started to briefly describe my reasons behind why it's not a good idea for them to continue trying to connect with me. Once again, as I do here, my rambling Took over. I think it ended up being over six pages. I folded it up and stashed it and envelope made a couple Address labels and attached them to it, put some stamps on it, and then set it by the door for my next trip out to the mailbox. I laid back down and tried to minimize the pain again but after a while I realized that I should write a preemptive letter, that contains a lot less wording and is a little more direct to the point. The contents of that letter were very similar to the other one. It was just a lot more condensed, in fact it was only one page. I did the same as I did with the other letter getting it ready. But in the process I made two labels marked letter one and letter two and apply those to the letters. Verified they had more than enough stamps and set them by the door again. Lay down for a few and then got up and hobbled out the mailbox so they could be picked up today. As of now, I suppose I cannot change my mind because they are in the hands of the Postal Service. So right or wrong I have pushed away someone who is supposedly related to me. Possibly for the second time in my life.

I'm done for now.

This isn't for any real update or additional ramblings. I just got put down here that I'm not too sure if I'm gonna be riding here for a little bit I don't know how long. Fatigues really getting to me. Can make a quick microwave meal and it wears me out to the point I have to take a Long nap even I'm still too tired

So on that note I leave this my message too tiny who is struggling a lot more than me.

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I love you and I am embracing you in that love❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I hope things are going your way soon I miss you, everyone here misses you.

This is gonna be short, I was just laying here thinking about the research I've done regarding my issues, my mental issues my physical issues. And a lot of that research and what all the expert say, say that somebody was my mental issues, that their mind is technically trapped back at the beginning of all mental problems. So that would mean I'm in a old, fat, ugly, dilapidated body, and a mind trapped of a child. I don't know whether to put any stock into all that, however there are times when I think that that's very true. I can barely keep my eyes open and can't focus so I apologize for Errors in this message. Am using this Voice thingy does dictation whatever it is.

I am still very weak, but I wanted to try and get this little bit I remember down here before I forget. All of it is a little bit of a dream I had. I think it was a longer dream, I think it involved a lot of different aspects but a lot of it is too blurry too remember. The only thing I really remember is building that I was in towards the end of the dream, that part started out in the building I think was a school, possibly a larger school I think several stories is high, at least a couple stories high. I think it went through at least a couple different classes, rooms, I think I was younger, due to the scenario, probably teenagers, what the size of the building I would guess High school. But it some point I begin walking up this flight of stairs and it almost turned into that endless set of stairs or you go up 10 or 12 steps turn and then go up another 10 or 12 steps turn and go up some more and this kept going on and on and then got to a very long hallway of sorts and at the other end was set a stairs going down, and somewhere in the middle I think there was stairs going down. There was just a few people scattered throughout this hallway. I doubt it means anything or represents anything but I think I've had that building, or that type of building that seem to be a school of sorts and where it changed like that, I think I've had that in my dreams before I think it seems awful familiar. And there's something else that I vaguely remember, I ended up being chased, Up and down the stairs and throughout the building. I don't remember what or who I was being chased by I just remember being afraid of something or someone and making my way past the people by pushing my way past them and at some point coming to A, I don't know how to describe it. It's kind of like a line of people in this hallway and there's an opening in the wall with the counter there and a few people sitting behind that counter answering questions for the people in line. And I forced my way to the front of that line and was trying to communicate something to those people that counter.

It's not necessarily I'm trying to interpret the dream, I just think I have had either the same dream or at least this building in this Little bit here wrote, this little bit has been in repeated dreams. And with the memory, flashbacks? Is it something based in reality that I am remembering, or is it just some obscure bunch of nonsense.

I gotta stop for now.

I just woke up a few minutes ago, and at about the center of my left thigh, there is extreme pain in the center of my thigh. It kind of feels like when somebody would have jokingly punched in the arm all they say something they think is witty. Like that but as if they had a lot harder than that but just in the leg not the arm. I'm still weak extremely weak, I don't know how long I've been in and out of it. I ended up realizing that I missed the last dose of meds which is just a pain pill. And they ended up grabbing them morning meds instead of my missed dose doesn't matter on the end. Cause I just means them couple hours early on my morning dose but it still doesn't explain this pain and the center of the thigh new.

I think I better set an alarm, because I think I ordered a few groceries to be delivered in a few hours. Which also means I have to try to get up and take a quick shower before they get here. This fatigue is getting ridiculous., I'm eating, probably more than I should, considering the weight of gained in the last few months. And I don't know about physical therapy if that would help or not at this point. I haven't heard from the place that was supposed to do an interview, I think the last day Heard about that was early last week? And I believe that was A text message, that had at the end of it something about text stop to unsubscribe, so probably trying to respond to that message would be unfruitful. Hopefully this message isn't a garbled mess, completely relying on the Voice thingy, Ford dictation. Done for now, extremely weak.

Laying here ready to doze off again, but really trying to figure out why this pain in my left thigh is there. Considering it's a new solid pain. Sometime last night I cleaned out my fridge because I had some perishable Foods in there that were past their expiration date. And I think I ended up also taking a couple of trash bags that had that food in it I went to my dumpster. I remember struggling with those bags to get them out there, they seemed extremely heavy, at least for me right now. It took a lot of effort I think to get them into the dumpster. So possibly, that would be where or why I have this new pain in my leg. My shoulders are a little sore right now too. So that had to been what happened. Possibly that explains the excessive amount of time that I've been in and out of sleep, enough so too have completely missed the dose at midnight. I wish I wasn't so fatigued, because I don't trust this voice thing to interpret my voice properly. My messages that I have made using this Voice deal, Mike Kosa seizure train to read the words and comprehend them. I gotta stop for now.