Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
One thing about my rattling thoughts in my head, normally, whatever that is, I am severely limited on the number of threads that I can maybe focus on. Even though there are times it seems I somehow get several unrelated things at the same time which really confuses me more than usual.
Like now, I am concerned about Tiny and all she is trying to deal with, plus my darkest of thoughts, plus my appointment in a few hours, plus the possible in home appointment, plus my work and or lack of after the new year, plus my extreme frustration and fatigue.
I am getting more beaten down every day, even though I haven’t fought back for awhile, I still am receiving a barrage of attacks.
November 26th, that is the latest appointment update for surgery.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Just a little over a month from now. Did you like this surgeon better?
@mytwistedsoul
Honestly, I think sitting down with the grim reaper would be a more comfortable experience than the other person.
But I was a little less apprehensive with this surgeon. If I wasn’t burdened with the anxieties I battle, I probably would’ve been a lot less apprehensive. He was very polite, for a surgeon.
Unfortunately, I have another month to wait. Four months of being trapped with myself is not a bed of roses. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.
Have you heard anything from or about Tiny? She definitely needs all the support anyone can give.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh my yes, anxiety can make the smallest of things seem daunting. It's nice to hear that he was very polite though. Was he optimistic about the outcome?
@mytwistedsoul
He was optimistic about it helping, however he was a little concerned about my overdoing things and recreating the same situation. He was also concerned about my weight. I have put quite a bit on the last few months.
She mentioned several times that the results after the surgery were not coming along. I can picture the thoughts that the despair and frustration created and repeated in her mind. Those thoughts are very much like what I deal with as well. So I am sure she feels the same way I do regarding differences between having a supportive family and friends here and in our hearts and soul and the fact that we open our eyes and we are physically alone. A lot of times it is nearly impossible to gather the strength to overcome that fact and close our eyes and hold tight to our friends and family here and try to persevere. I am not in any way trying to speak for her but I can relate all too well to her possible inner thoughts. ❤️
I have come to realize that the memory issues, the brain flickers, that I struggle with are either a blessing or a curse. Possibly both.
These things I picture in my mind, these possible memories that are supposedly mine, I don’t enjoy the not knowing but most of the time these things I would rather forget.
My abilities to handle this for another month is definitely something that has question marks surrounding it.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hang tight, we are here for you❤️.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm glad your new surgeon is polite, it helps a bit with the anxiety. I like it when healthcare professionals have empathy and politeness ^^
I'm worried about tiny too but I believe she'll have a great recovery and I also believe that you'll make it through the dark times as well<3
The most I can grasp onto is the self loathing woe is me stuff that seems to be within the majority of my writings.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami for you and tiny :)
I have been knocked down again. The other day, out of the blue, I received an envelope in the mail. I didn’t recognize the name on the envelope so I opened it anyway thinking it was either junk mail or possibly something related to the ex, even though she has been gone nearly fifteen years. It contained a card with a letter inside. It was a birthday card I think. I read the letter and it was written to me , and it was written by someone who obviously thinks they know me in some way. It was a one page handwritten letter that mainly describes whatever is going on in their lives. I didn’t recognize whose name was at the bottom of the letter. I reread that letter off and on many times without recognizing who wrote it. So I put the letter and card back in the envelope and put it on a shelf below my tv.
I didn’t mention it until now because I didn’t think it meant anything. I had a few different dreams, I think it was a few , maybe just one. Too many geezer naps. But in the dream I only remember something about a get together of some sort, I didn’t recognize anyone but someone handed me an envelope, I opened it and pulled a card out of it. I am not sure but I think it was a christmas card. Inside the card was cash/money. I then put the money and the card back in the envelope and gave it back to the person that handed it to me. When I did that I said something to them , but I don’t remember what it was, I think it was something along the lines of “thanks but no thanks, your money doesn’t buy me”.
Probably not exactly that but I think it’s close.
I then walked out of the building, possibly a mobile home or trailer house, and got into a car and drove away.
I have been having “memory flashes” off and on since then. When I can get a little focus and I maybe can grasp a little more, and if I remember this thread of thought I will try and continue.
In the end it won’t matter, but I can’t help but wonder and not like the fact that I have nobody to pass my belongings to when I pass. Though I have seen more nonsense occur from that process of people getting those belongings or simply throwing them all away, which to me signifies that the owner of those belongings was basically worthless, they meant nothing to nobody.
I can relate.
I think what has triggered this thought process is the forced purchases for my current condition…canes, wheelchair, cushions, and two rollator walkers. The second one I just ordered for two reasons, the first is the time until surgery plus recovery contributes to the second reason, my path to the mailbox is rough and the first one I bought is not working that well for that purpose. Plus, with the fatigue problem and the time I may be looking at for any chance of helping process has forced me to try and struggle through this “new” technology that may help. The technology has probably been around awhile, but I am not comfortable with technology and change. Anyway, I am trying to figure out how to use this hands free voice / speech stuff. To talk and the words magically appear on the screen, so far half of what I say is far from what appears on my screen. So it’s been far from hands free and extremely frustrating. I have purchased an adjustable laptop stand for my bed, plus I have a couple cheap headsets that I bought for my job, one I had only used as a headset for hearing I didn’t use the microphone feature until now. The other one is still unused. The microphone only reaches the side of my cheek. So , I am trying to figure out a better headset to buy that will work better than what I have.
Rambling again, I am definitely predictable. I think I was leading towards the purchases I am making, I will probably not wear them out, and yet when I pass they will probably end up in the trash or to someone that doesn’t care about or even know the story behind the original purchase of the items, or anything about the original owner of them.
Like I said, in the end it doesn’t matter, but it just reminds me of how alone I am and that the only people who have a good glimpse into the real me are all located here within this community. If I could, when I passed, I would somehow donate any of my belongings to this community anonymously to anyone who would want or need them.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think being remembered after we're gone is a luxury only a few people get to have. Some could have a great big family and still be forgotten and someone with just one person or a pet or an online friend would be remembered and missed everyday.
We can't make a special place in someone's mind no matter how much we try and nor can we erase our place once someone has made a home for us in their mind.
Some thoughts cross my mind of people who never mattered that much to me or mattered only for a short time and it feels nice to remember, it feels nice to see the picture of a past now gone. Maybe somewhere we're also present in some memories as a background character :) or playing the lead role in some others.
Stories told or not, once they are written and lived, they can't be erased. The things you've got, the things you've purchased have some mark of you on them and they'll carry it silently with all the new stories that keeps adding on with time.
