My daily ramblings

I do hope everyone here enjoys this project, it is for you. The kindness and compassion and support from this community built this project. I am just a lowly “vessel” that started putting the pieces together.

Though it is not finished. I will try and find the strength to complete it in the next evening or two after I finish work.

I have been trying so hard to not post any of my negativity at least until this project is completed. I am sorry I have to let it out.

I have this desire to complete this project for everyone one here as my way of saying thank you. As I have stated in other posts, I am definitely not in any way a holiday or celebratory person. I don’t like being the center of attention, I live like a hermit for a lot of reasons. But this project represents something that I feel a strong need to put together and share with this community.

I may have spent a lot of exhausting, very difficult, draining hours trying to put the pieces together. But this community deserves the credit for this project. Hopefully everyone will understand why if and when I get it finished.

My brain flickers have been out of control the past couple days. My depression is raging, anxiety is high on the list of highly active issues. This project is extremely difficult for me in a broad spectrum of ways. Focus, motivation , desire, brain flickering , extreme distaste for celebrations, not being the focus of attention, are just a few. As the days go on my physical abilities and my mental abilities are fading, they may have been fading for awhile and I am just noticing or they are slipping away rapidly, I am not sure which it is. I guess it doesn’t matter.

The simplest tasks that used to take a few minutes take a half or more. Others that I spend hours on and triple check my work, the outcome is a complete mess. Nothing like what I thought I did.

Doing this project I have realized how bad my memory is getting, I copied, pasted, printed every response (up until Saturday mornings) that I have gotten on the threads that I posted. I have tried to respond to each with some form of a thank you, I have missed a few, I apologize for that. My point is that I didn’t remember any of them. None….. I am so ashamed of that.

I understand my future involves this happening completely. It is just another thing that is crumbling in my foundation.

I am ashamed that I am rambling about my miseries when there are millions of others whose issues can be dealt with and they have a n excellent chance at some form of healing and happiness. I am ashamed that there are wonderful, beautiful, kind, caring, compassionate people here reading my writings and sharing their kindness and support to someone like me whose future doesn’t include a bright path . I’m grateful that I am a part of this community,

I have fallen down and this time I’m accepting my place.

I accept this fate which I cannot change.

I will try and adapt and change so I stop posting the negative feelings here and I can let my body and mind drift peacefully down the current that is currently pulling it down.

I don’t think I am going to get to the tree thing tonight. I have a small surprise to complete this project. I am not having a very good day today and I can’t shake anything today. In fact it is a very bad day.

Hopefully I can finish it by Thursday sometime.

I am off work for awhile starting Thursday. So hopefully I can somehow get myself motivated to get this done for everyone.

I’m having a major anxiety episode.

Between everything going on and now I am locked into this tree thing. I am struggling with everything, literally everything. Now no matter what happens I have to finish it , somehow, someway. I have more to do to finish it and I am not handling the pressure very well.

I can’t let it be as is I need to finish it. It has changed from what I originally wanted to do, I made a list on my computer so I would hopefully not completely forget about those ideas. Mostly it changed because I kept messing things up, I finally figured that there is a reason that it’s unfolding this way

This is who I am??? I said all this stuff? I am a bellyaching little whiner. I need to teach myself some manners and shut up, and keep my complaining to myself.

I can’t be this person. Way too many issues.

I am not sure about anything at the moment but this has to be someone else’s writings.

I woke up and I don’t know where I am and I found this device thing and it lit up and did some facial scan thing and this place was here.

I found something that has my picture on it but none of the words on it say this name that identifies this person here.

What is going on? How do I know to write here? I have looked around and I am the only one here. My heart is racing and my breathing rapid, what is happening?

I was going to go for a walk to try and figure out where I am but it is really cold outside, skin numbing cold. So I will stay here I suppose.

Nothing in this house looks familiar. I am so confused.

I am all of a sudden completely drained and exhausted. Can’t keep my eyes open.

I just woke up and from the looks of it I had another brain episode. I am sorry about those last couple of messages, I don’t remember writing them but obviously I guess I did . Is this stuff getting worse? I am having major concentration issues, I my eyes won’t stay open.