My daily ramblings
I am finally going to follow the lead and try and avoid posting in multiple different places. I am going to try and do most of my rambling in this thread.
My cognitive issues are making it harder and harder for me to focus on multiple things. That combined with my laundry list of other issues, makes functioning at all near impossible.
Having to go through medication experimentation again is going to make it even harder.
Whenever I have to refocus because I literally can’t remember blocks of time or where I am and why I’m here kinds of things , I’m usually able to come here and figure out through my posts and profile etc.
That has proven to not work very well at times. I wondered if I centralized my thoughts here that maybe that might work better.
That also keeps me from being a distraction from those who are more deserving than I.
I so want to be held right now.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hi - I'll read your messages above later.
At site 3 I wrote you a little bit that I don't think you saw.
@Helgafy
Thank you again, your kindness is appreciated.
Site 3…would that be what I would refer to as page 3 of this thread…..?
I just went searching and found one that I did miss from you , about checking into fellowship.
Wonderful idea , my anxiety issues fight me just going out the front door of my home.
You may be 100% right but I am out of strength, and with what I have discovered about my condition I am ready to give up the battle.
I have been fighting for too long and can’t do it anymore. I am thinking of just kicking back and letting whatever is happening consume me and what will be will be.
I do truly appreciate you and your prayers. Thank you
I keep entering these group things and I want to discuss these things with the people there but I can’t. If I can keep up reading I realize that what people are discussing already is issues that are very difficult but can be resolved in some way. Were as mine , not so much. I’m already a very negative person and I dislike being the center of attention plus I not shedding that much darkness where there is so much hope for others.
When there is no hope for a good outcome and I have to accept my future I need to stop whining and bellyaching and just stop and let whatever is coming consume me and be done with it. Raise the white flag and accept defeat.
I finally open up in group and completely ignored. That was a complete waste of effort. I don’t know why I thought it would help me.
I need to find the strength to ignore all the bodily pains and just relax and accept the fate that has been given to me.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I have read here about your fight with your brain-system.
@Helgafy
I need to step away for a few , my brain is starting to go goofy.
I am grateful to have you and your God with me. Thank you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I wish you could have med for your pain in your body, but it is the brain-system - is it not.
@Helgafy
tes it is , there are trial meds but I am not sure it is worth trying when doctors don’t have a clue either.
Thank you ,
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Well, for my sickness, ME, there is no cure neither, but I don't have pain in my body as you have.
@Helgafy
I would gladly add your burdens to mine if that would make you happier
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Friend!
Oh now. YOU HAVE ENOUGH BURDENS! And guess what. Many times I handle my life fine.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Make sure you have good food to eat.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Dayly I entertain myself with easy-going shows at TV (maybe your brain don't allow you to watch TV so much) called "90 days to marry". It is about persons writing to each other, one from the US. If they come to visit they must marry in 90 days to get "green card". People come from the South-America, Nigeria etc.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Iam.
I was thinking of you yesterday, how you want to bear my! burdens. I don't understand how you can say that - you who have so many burdens of your own. But you're fulfilling the highest law of Christ: Galatians 6:2
2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Yesterday was very hard for me in the beginning - I was very depressed until 2 or 4 p.m. and wanted to d.i.e. Then I could have a fine time watching TV and eating something until I went to bed at 9 p.m. Today I'm very fine.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
My cousin has a lot of pain in her hip. She went to the hospital to see a doctor. I prayed for her that the doctor would be an instrument in Gods hands. She did not get the doctor she was going to see, but one who was much better for her to answer her questions.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I wish God would give you the best doctor to help you.
@Helgafy
I do too, but unfortunately very little is known about this thing , it is something that realistic details are only known about the after effects when the brain can be scientifically analyzed.
There are some behaviors that are associated with but they don’t have the knowledge yet to make any effective decisions.
I am 100% serious, ask your God to transfer your burdens to me, I will carry them for you
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Well I am.
As you write here at 7Cup, I have a small book where I write to Jesus Christ. I'm as open to Him as you are to us at 7Cup. I have been writing since I was in my 20th.
@Helgafy
Is that what mainly helps provide you the strength you need?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Yes, I think It is good for me to express myself.
(I have tried to post you something, but I didn't come through).
That was stranger than normal, is that what I have to look forward to?
My brain literally started playing static. Louder and louder and louder. Then like a switch was flipped My brain focused like nothing happened.
Trigger warnings for suicidal ideation and thoughts ( not acting on them) only thoughts in my head . I have had thoughts like this everyday of my life ever since I was very little. So, please don’t overreact and think I am going through with any of these thoughts.
I just want to put down in writing these things so if my suspicions of my head issues is correct, maybe this and my other writings here might help in the process of understanding CTE.
A lot of things fly through my mind most of the time. Like a subliminal message, ending my life is scrolling through, intertwined in all the rest.
The latest is just going outside and walking and letting the cold overtake me. (Sub zero with wind chill here) . No jacket, just go and be done. But then I think about the poor person that finds my body. I have been there.. that is a sight I have seen too many times and the images haunt me. So I don’t do it.
When I had my break down and actually made several failed attempts, I now blame myself for failing as usual.
Why isn’t it legal for people with conditions that have no positive or real future to be assisted legally to end their own life peacefully and without judgement?
To make them suffer so everyone else can say they didn’t give up on them, they held on to hope for them? Really?
If an animal is suffering they are “put to sleep “ to end their suffering. So does that mean we respect animals more than humans. We let humans suffer unimaginable pain mentally and physically and emotionally just because we think we know everything and that we know better than the person actually dealing with the issues what to do and their suffering doesn’t matter.
When a person reaches a certain point when so many attempts to heal and get better have failed. When physical issues prove to be more than doctors understand, of course most doctors don’t understand much anymore, they guess if they don’t know and usually don’t try to research and find out any answers. Just prescribe another medication. The world we live in. If we are so pill happy why not give me a pill to help me drift off into that eternal slumber?
No instead I am forced to suffer through this and once it gets bad enough other innocent people whether it be nurses doctors or whomever, has to deal with my dementia messed up self. So make others suffer also when it could’ve been avoided if things were legal.
I gotta stop, brain goofing up again.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Maybe this is good for you to read:
Psalms 91:4 NIV
@Helgafy
Thank you for the verse. I trust in you and your beliefs. Maybe someday I’ll actually feel something from those wonderful words. I understand the meanings behind them , I just don’t relate to them.
I try not to discuss religion or politics, but because I believe that you are truly trying to help me and I don’t want you to ever be hurt by anything I may say, I want to say a few things.
I am neither a believer or nonbeliever, I will never disrespect anyone else’s religious beliefs. I have no issues with others praying for me or whatever else. I understand a couple of religions vaguely. I did attend churches before.
As a child I was dropped off by one of my parents at church and picked up after, they never attended. I don’t remember when it was but at some point I don’t remember details, though I am sure it involved a tantrum,(I had a lot of those as a child) , I was no longer forced to go.
That is probably at the root of my thinking. Over the years I attended various churches with different people. I witnessed a lot of people including pastors/priests who only seemed to practice their faith when they attended church.
Now, I see that I had blinders on as far as the last part. We are only human and our beliefs shine through the brightest when it comes to how we treat others who are struggling.
But I also saw too much petty pressures to conform and control in those churches. Whether it was what clothes you wore or how you cut your hair, certain traits of people were condemned, teaching hate in a loving environment.
I also always struggled with depression and social anxiety. I didn’t understand it then and didn’t handle things very well.
Anyway I’m getting off track as usual .
I appreciate the verses you send to me and I hope you will think enough of me to keep sending them . Someday, maybe, I will not just understand them but I will feel them also.
You are a wonderful human being and I am a very lucky person to have had you beside me for so long. Thank you , you truly are a beautiful person.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hi.
It is OK that you're telling of yourself. Well - there will always be something trying to make us. Today social media do a lot of that (not 7Cup in a negative way) and many young persons become unsecure about themselves.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hi.
Here is a nice verse for me: Jer.15.16 "Your words were found, and I ate them,
And Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart;
For I am called by Your name,
O Lord God of hosts."