My daily ramblings
I am finally going to follow the lead and try and avoid posting in multiple different places. I am going to try and do most of my rambling in this thread.
My cognitive issues are making it harder and harder for me to focus on multiple things. That combined with my laundry list of other issues, makes functioning at all near impossible.
Having to go through medication experimentation again is going to make it even harder.
Whenever I have to refocus because I literally can’t remember blocks of time or where I am and why I’m here kinds of things , I’m usually able to come here and figure out through my posts and profile etc.
That has proven to not work very well at times. I wondered if I centralized my thoughts here that maybe that might work better.
That also keeps me from being a distraction from those who are more deserving than I.
I’m definitely ill, not just new meds . I am definitely ill. I will just lie here and accept the consequences of whatever this is. No point in going to the doctor, all they care about when it comes to feeding ill is whether or not it’s Covid or some strain of it. If it’s not then take two aspirin and don’t call back. I only say this because I experienced this very thing.
Latest dream/nightmare memory…..
surrounded by darkness walking towards a light in the distance, when it appears that I am getting close to the light, I am slingshotted back into darkness. Why do my dreams have to remind me as well?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hah - my earthly brother/friend.
I read your dream and had to laugh a little bit. When I was in my 20th I took a class in oil-painting. I painted a picture (I have it in the room where I sleep) that Pablo Picasso has painted. It is a woman standing in a room in her long, white dress and her nice hat situated on the floor. She is standing in a dark room and outside there is light in the distance.
From Helga.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hah - my earthly brother/friend.
I read your dream and had to laugh a little bit. When I was in my 20th I took a class in oil-painting. I painted a picture (I have it in the room where I sleep) that Pablo Picasso has painted. It is a woman standing in a room in her long, white dress and her nice hat situated on the floor. She is standing in a dark room and outside there is light in the distance.
From Helga.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hah - my earthly brother/friend.
I read your dream and had to laugh a little bit. When I was in my 20th I took a class in oil-painting. I painted a picture (I have it in the room where I sleep) that Pablo Picasso has painted. It is a woman standing in a room in her long, white dress and her nice hat situated on the floor. She is standing in a dark room and outside there is light in the distance.
From Helga.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Hi brother on this earth.
Maybe you didn't see the message below. There was a bug so I texted it about 5 times!
Yesterday I prayed several times for you to Jesus Christ, about your brainsystem to be healed. He bore all our sin and sicknesses at the cross/Calvary.
From Helga.
Jut woke up again from a short sleep, remnants of another strange dream/nightmare where most people and surroundings were vaguely familiar but not quite. I involved my ex moving out on me but while I was there this time , the kids were mocking me along with her. The basis resembles truth , end result the same.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I did not succeed in posting, maybe this time:Hah - my earthly brother/friend.
I read your dream and had to laugh a little bit. When I was in my 20th I took a class in oil-painting. I painted a picture (I have it in the room where I sleep) that Pablo Picasso has painted. It is a woman standing in a room in her long, white dress and her nice hat situated on the floor. She is standing in a dark room and outside there is light in the distance.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
I did not succeed in posting, maybe this time:Hah - my earthly brother/friend.
I read your dream and had to laugh a little bit. When I was in my 20th I took a class in oil-painting. I painted a picture (I have it in the room where I sleep) that Pablo Picasso has painted. It is a woman standing in a room in her long, white dress and her nice hat situated on the floor. She is standing in a dark room and outside there is light in the distance.
Is there a purpose to my continuing to endure this nonsensical journey? A journey that’s definitely been a lifetime of trying to survive minute to minute. I never had a true path, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don’t know.
On a lot of levels I think mentally I am still that troubled child. Considering that I was a child when I started building the walls to hide behind, I probably am . I may have a lifetime of experience’s but there is a massive separation between the fake or false front me and the true me that lived behind those walls. .
So the question still lies in the name…
I am who I am who am I?
I know I have been adopted into this wonderful family, but that doesn’t take away the extreme loneliness I feel.
I choose to handle things the way I do, right or wrong. I sometimes think of reaching out to a listener, but my thoughts are so random and can range from extreme to extremely trivial. I don’t want to accidentally trigger any reactions by my ramblings. I feel guilty having others respond to my ramblings when they could be helping those who have an opportunity for a real future.
I am appreciative and grateful for everyone here. I don’t want to sound like I don’t.
I always am self conscious about bothering others with my issues when everyone else is struggling with their own plus they have others in their lives which adds to their drama.
I am losing the solution side of my thoughts. I am trying to gain but struggling to just maintain but I am steadily losing traction.
Reality….is it truly real? Everyone pretending they are someone they’re not just to impress someone or try and make themselves feel good. How many people change directions through out their lives because they realize the path they’re on doesn’t make them happy. But yet the false front they try to act out is that their reality is their happiness in everything they do when deep down they are clearly not.
Trying so hard to please everyone else but never themselves, not exploring who they truly are on the inside and bringing that person to the forefront and living as they were meant to would be a truer reality.
This isn’t much easier to refocus with everything in one area. My thoughts go too many directions at once it seems.
It happened again, several times I think, within a short time span. I finally drug myself out of bed into the shower and I didn’t know if I started bathing yet . I have a routine that I follow because of my memory issues, so , I start all over. Due to the fact that I ran out of hot water I think it happened multiple times.
I don’t remember the writing the things I did this morning.
Which leads me to ponder why I would be concerned about losing all memories if my life was so miserable.
I think it’s more about losing my ability to take care of myself and having to rely on others to care for me and I probably wouldn’t even have the mental capacity to properly share my appreciation for their efforts.
Maybe when that happens my social anxiety and everything else will disappear also and I will be free of all my “demons”.
Why do I bother continuing this path. I am destined to finish my journey on the same level and direction I started on. I may have strayed to different paths but they all veered back to the original route.
The strength I used to have to survive day to day no longer exists. I can’t imagine continuing this uphill struggle on the downhill side of my journey.
Between the lifelong struggles, the daily aches and pains, and the endless additions I seem to keep receiving (like I am handling the ones I already have and can handle more?) and my brain’s decision to start shutting down, I am out of desire to continue to try.
I can’t get back to enjoying every moment as if it’s my last kind of feeling that this community helped get me to a short time ago.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami My friend, I’m sorry you’re feeling badly. It sounds like you’re missing the positive feelings. I believe we humans tend to believe that our positive feelings should persist once we have found something that helps us. But we are not wired like that, we habituate. We have to wait out the bad feelings for a short time and also rediscover our happiness. Sometimes that means readjusting to changing circumstances. I have many times faced “one more thing” piled on top of all the other things and thought, “no this is too much”. It’s my hope that you’ll come to find bits of happiness again. Most of us have a favorite food, like ice cream perhaps. The first few bites are great, the next are good, and eventually we don’t get much pleasure out of eating more at the same sitting. We habituate. Wait a few days and eat ice cream again and we have adjusted back to where the first bites are good. Perhaps you habituated to the good feelings and need some rest. I hope this helps.
@hopefulPond6108
Thank you for those wonderful words.
I agree with what you are saying, I just don’t want to take a break from this place for fear of not finding my way back.
The ordeal from the other day and the unkind words that were said still torment me on a very deep level.
If I could just get past it and let it go , I might have a chance.
Anyway, rambling over.
Thank you again for reaching out to me and sharing your kindness and support.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hang in there and remember it all works out in the end. If things are not working out right now then it's not the end.
