My daily ramblings

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Keep rambling as long as it helps you on your journey. You are here to speak your mind and we all offer each other a listening ear.

@Creamyyy Thank you, I appreciate your kindness.

I have so many things I want to say, but I can’t seem to focus on anything other than that tree idea I had. I feel obligated to do it now that I mentioned with so much enthusiasm, I still can’t seem to get the motivation back to actually do it.

I’m going to try and stay here and try to crawl back out of the pit I am back in . I’m still physically shaking from the other day, I am still scared, but I can’t walk away from my family here, it is the only positive thing in my life.

why does it seem like even though my life was miserable and health has always had its issues, that the last few years the negative things happening to me seem to be increasing and coming at a rapid pace.?

I had a weird brain failure moment today. I don’t remember what I was doing before it happened but my brain came back online and I was wandering around my kitchen and I had no idea where I was for what seemed like an eternity. I was basically pacing back and forth not knowing where to go. When I finally figured things out I just broke down and cried…. I am losing this battle far too quickly.

I am wondering if I should just surrender myself to a nursing home.

I have to stop for now I am getting myself so confused trying to focus enough to write things down.

Maybe one of my three wishes is coming true, maybe my headaches turned migraine is my receiving someone’s pain.

If that is the case , I will gladly accept this burden.

I have had this same thought. I enjoy your rambling. It makes me feel not alone. I am miserable and I like your company.

Night 2 new med … took after work when I got home. I was still not asleep at around nine. Just woke up a short while ago. Migraine is gone . Slight “headache” still lingering. Not sure if I will be able to get back to sleep. Thoughts are still extremely difficult to focus on. Too many too fast.

At work I am really struggling, too many things happening to me at once and I am getting really frustrated at work. I am also easily triggered at work. Things that others are doing or not doing, even what they say without knowing the facts easily spark a reaction from me.

I’m just not handling things very well. I have had so many changes inside of me mentally, the extreme high to the extreme low because of my letting someone get to me with their hate. I’m still not handling that well either.

I have decided to try and stay here until my cognitive issues completely fail. This is my only support I have.

Focusing on anything in order to not have the extreme negative thoughts take over again. I already have let hopelessness, fear and despair back in and now the rest of their friends are threatening to join them. I need to to figure out how to get back to the path I was just on that had me on a positive direction.

I’m constantly getting images of things that I am guessing are from my past. I am not sure though. Over the years I’ve told false stories about myself just to make it seem that I’m “normal” ,whatever that is. I have hidden for so long behind those walls I built inside my head that I think I started to believe those things myself.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I have some memory loss too, no idea what kind and don't want to know. I just know that the more disabled I get the more trouble I'll be in. Cant afford any help. With regular Medicare we get a lot of neglect. Society is very cruel to any vulnerability.

I am so sorry you are going through all this. It must be scary.

Hi, IamwhoIamwhoamI, I enjoyed reading your thread. I was curious about the "tree" idea, as I am fascinated with plants of all sorts. I was wondering if you could elaborate on that. I, too, hope you are able to crawl out of the hole. I'm familiar with decades of grinding existence and don't wish that on anyone. I hope things get better for you.

@PatienceImpatiens. Thank you for reaching out with your kindness and concern and curiosity .

@PatienceImpatiens I found the thread. The following is parts of different strands of that thread to give you the general idea of my thoughts. I don’t celebrate holidays or anything, , but I all of a sudden desired a decorated tree. Then piece by piece this idea came together

To decorate it with ornaments that each have the kind words of support, encouragement, sympathy actually all of those responses that I have received from people here

I actually wrote down (so I wouldn’t forget) the idea of putting all of the wonderful kind and compassionate things that everyone has sent to me on brightly colored paper , laminating them, and tying each one to its own ornament and putting them on the tree.

Other ideas are also appreciated, I am thinking of dedicating this “celebration” to everyone here who has shared their kindness, compassion, concern, and support with me throughout my journey here.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think its a really good idea. We should all do that.

another thought?

what about the idea of a happy jar? Put all the kind words in a jar to read on bad days to make you happy? Or to help you endure? A jar is small enough or portable enough to follow you where ever you go.

you can color and decorate the jar however you want to. To represent the kind words inside.

What a great day!!

@PatienceImpatiens In case you’re interested, that thread was called “I have a strange question”

Thank you again.

Beliefs…. In my opinion, beliefs should be based on exploring and understanding all aspects of that topic/idea or whatever. Taking all that information and understanding all points of view to form your own conclusions.

Those conclusions then become the basis for beliefs. Beliefs are (again in my opinion) ones own opinions, which leads me to my own conclusion.

Anyone else’s beliefs should not have control of my life. I accept and respect the opinions and beliefs of everyone else, and I don’t judge and I don’t criticize anyone for their beliefs. That’s one of the things that should help make a wonderful world, the fact that everyone is different and to accept that and grow with the differences instead of demonizing them should be beneficial to all .I just wish everyone else practiced similar behaviors.

Right or wrong that is the way I feel.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, appreciate them, feels like we all are in this together in your journey ✨

Thank you for your kindness.

Nothing to post at the moment, migraine controlling things at the moment.

Still have migraine but I think I’m having withdrawal symptoms from not being here.

How is it possible that I can have such a migraine to bring tears to my eyes yet the thoughts on my head still race. Am I completely going off the deep end? So many different issues, I feel like I’m fending them off from every direction at once.

How can I stand a chance when focus is needed to stay calm and address when thoughts race, brain flickers, and focus is the thing I am losing completely?

I have survived ( if that’s what you choose to call it) a lifetime of battles with my issues, not necessarily winning just surviving. To get to this point of feeling I have been surrounded and getting struck from every direction with no hope of getting away .

I am so close to giving up the fight. I preach acceptance, I should stop fighting and accept whatever comes.

What can I hope to gain? I am destined to struggle, so if I stop struggling the other side loses.

I have had a taste of the positive side of the fence, it was extremely tasty and addictive but if I am to keep experiencing a taste of a little bit more then get yanked back into the pit that I just got pulled from I am not sure it’s worth it.

Yes, my despair is prominent right now, I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. I am thinking that with keeping things limited to this thread that if I realize that I have nothing new to say that I shouldn’t say anything.

I enjoy the basic simplicity of the thread by @juliak1968 of the count to a million, but my focus has gotten to the point that I look at the last number and then got to post I forget that number, I tried writing down but if I do multiple I confuse myself Unfortunately. I don’t know if I can continue to contribute to that thread.

Oh my goodness, Iam, that's such a wonderful idea to put all the nice things that have been said to you on a tree to decorate it!

I love that idea so much. It's so affirming.

I hope you're hanging in there. Migraines can be so debilitating. One day at a time. Glad you're posting here. I like reading your thread!

Love, Pat

@PatienceImpatiens. Thank you so much for sharing your kindness with me.

@PatienceImpatiens

The tree thing is done, in case you’re interested. A couple of pictures and a few links to short clips are posted also, later in this thread. Pages 7 and 9 maybe. I started a separate thread for this tree dedication gift . I don’t remember what I called it . So I will find the name of it if you want me to. It was requested of me to take some pictures of them completed, I will be doing that in a few hours if I remember.

I periodically wonder what it would feel like to feel the warm embrace and company of someone who loves me. Would it feel as warm and wonderful as those words express that I have read several times in the past? Would it help to comfort me, would I be able to reciprocate that loving embrace?

As I lay here with my aching head and fevered body and failing mentality, I am left to ponder the same things over and over and over. I have spent the night dozing off frequently for a few minutes and then waking with a start from what seems to be a very vivid experience. Flashbacks, imagination, combination, I don’t know but not pleasant things.

“Over the hill”…..does that mean that anything you haven’t attained yet you will never achieve because you are racing faster and faster towards the finish line and farther and farther away from what you desire?

I’m definitely ill, not just new meds . I am definitely ill. I will just lie here and accept the consequences of whatever this is. No point in going to the doctor, all they care about when it comes to feeding ill is whether or not it’s Covid or some strain of it. If it’s not then take two aspirin and don’t call back. I only say this because I experienced this very thing.

Latest dream/nightmare memory…..

surrounded by darkness walking towards a light in the distance, when it appears that I am getting close to the light, I am slingshotted back into darkness. Why do my dreams have to remind me as well?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hah - my earthly brother/friend.

I read your dream and had to laugh a little bit. When I was in my 20th I took a class in oil-painting. I painted a picture (I have it in the room where I sleep) that Pablo Picasso has painted. It is a woman standing in a room in her long, white dress and her nice hat situated on the floor. She is standing in a dark room and outside there is light in the distance.

From Helga.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hah - my earthly brother/friend.

I read your dream and had to laugh a little bit. When I was in my 20th I took a class in oil-painting. I painted a picture (I have it in the room where I sleep) that Pablo Picasso has painted. It is a woman standing in a room in her long, white dress and her nice hat situated on the floor. She is standing in a dark room and outside there is light in the distance.

From Helga.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hah - my earthly brother/friend.

I read your dream and had to laugh a little bit. When I was in my 20th I took a class in oil-painting. I painted a picture (I have it in the room where I sleep) that Pablo Picasso has painted. It is a woman standing in a room in her long, white dress and her nice hat situated on the floor. She is standing in a dark room and outside there is light in the distance.

From Helga.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hi brother on this earth.

Maybe you didn't see the message below. There was a bug so I texted it about 5 times!

Yesterday I prayed several times for you to Jesus Christ, about your brainsystem to be healed. He bore all our sin and sicknesses at the cross/Calvary.

From Helga.

@Helgafy

Thank you once again for you kindness, compassion, support and prayers. If I did get them before I somehow missed them, I am sore. I read the ones close to this one that I see

Jut woke up again from a short sleep, remnants of another strange dream/nightmare where most people and surroundings were vaguely familiar but not quite. I involved my ex moving out on me but while I was there this time , the kids were mocking me along with her. The basis resembles truth , end result the same.