Great Expectations
One of the reasons many of the people I have chatted with on 7cups are troubled is, I feel, that they have sky-expectations from life. When those expectations are not met, they come crashing down into various states of depression.
@belami2024
That is an intriguing observation, and while I'd avoid an extremist language to generalise because people can have different experiences and opinions, I do think it lies in the difference between what one expects or wants or needs in life versus what they have.
Who they want to become versus who they currently are.
The difference in this "want" and "current reality" can definitely be a reason to feel disappointed and discouraged.
Any ideas on how to cope with this difference or ways to bridge the gap between "what could've been" and "what it is today"?🌞
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
I don't feel I have any solutions to offer to all. My own way is to assess how I am at present, and try to bring forth what I feel i am able to contribute.
@belami2024
Being mindful and grounded in the present, while trying to bring out comfort~ great approach, thanks for sharing! :)
@belami2024
Very interesting perspective belami. Though I cant' comment on anyone in this forum, I can agree that this has caused me my own heart ache! I now focus more on my own expectations for myself but with lots of grace, softness and flexibility for failure and adjustments. I try not to have concrete expectations from anyone or anything anymore really. I try and go with the flow but also respect my own boundries and if something doesn't "work out" its ok.
@belami2024
id be one … have terrible up dragging, have goals to provide better chances for my kids then…. Oh wait your planed kid won’t even swallow safely. Forget that tree you eyed up for that treehouse. The money you have in the bank, worthless…
guess what, there is absolutely no fixing this just radically accept it!!!
expectations destroy people because we live In REALITY. Reality is painful, but it’s better people are aware rather than wrapping people up in bubble wrap ignoring the roll down the inevitable roll down a jagged mountain.
@belami2024 That generalization surely needs some adjustments before it successfully describes the Cupsian population as a whole, but yes...I think there are a couple grains of truth in it.
If there is anything I've learned in this life, it's that you will suffer far less disappointment & consequences thereof if:
- You reduce your expectations as much as possible. Harboring none at all is the ideal but in practice, that's hard to do.
- Whenever a situation leads you to have expectations for others, generate the lowest ones you can think of. This works either way because if someone lies, tries to cheat you or rip you off then you'll see it coming; if someone does the right thing then it's a pleasant surprise.
@slowdecline48
Hello, thank you for the tips, but do you know how to decrease our high expectations?
I'm a fairly positive person and sometimes I look forward to my future with great optimism. But when problems get in my way, I tend to feel down. I think optimism is a good thing, however I feel like I shouldn't have overly high expectations because I'll get disappointed easily later on. And i still find it difficult to not have high expectations of other people and myself too.
@pinkKite8784 That's a hard question to answer... The only advice I have for you right now is to remember the following, in no particular order:
- Most people do as little as they can get away with, especially in their jobs. This is true everywhere in the world.
- This world was not created just to satisfy your desires or to make you happy. It was around for ages before you, & will exist long after your demise.
- For almost all people, their first priority is themselves. You don't rate as a priority at all unless they have a reason to care about you, such as blood relation or mutually beneficial arrangement of some kind.
- Your desire for a particular outcome is not the only desire in this world. Plenty of other people have desires far different than your own, & they too are considered valuable by the minds that harbor such wants.
@slowdecline48
Thank you for your advice
HIgh expectations or hoping for great things? I don't think people expect a lot but they do wish for a lot sometimes which is kind of fruitless
@belami2024
for me it not really my own expectations that were great, but my parents so for me it was what was put on me not what we put on self. so now seeing we on SSI and can not work others look at us as letting them down. this even told to us a lot. like why you so lazy and will not better yourself. they think seeing we not work that we not have any expectations at all. but we do the big one to just get through today.
There's a lot of talk out there about "your dreams can come true" and "follow your dreams", and that can lead to heartache. I got close to achieving a couple of big dreams myself, but they slipped through my fingers. Now I'm 70 and there are no chances left. Nothing to look forward to, I feel betrayed by God, life, whatever. I have my health (especially amazing after cancer), but what of it? What am I supposed to do? Getting hired is hard at my age (cannot retire - cancer and getting laid off put an end to that). Nothing to look forward to. Nothing at all.
@goodSpruce3041
I think we should judge ourselves not on the basis of what we accomplished, but rather on what we did with what was given to us.
For instance, a child born with Down's syndrome is obviously not going to grow up to be a CEO, but the child may still be a conduit for it's parents love. So in this way, the child would have "accomplished" something in life.
@belami2024
Hi Belami! 😊 ❤️
Thank you for your forum post and for sharing how it is that you feel from time to time here on your listening journey. It really is quite understandable how some chats may leaving you feeling that way. I imagine there could be many others that feel the same. Having said that...
In an effort to be of help, I'll share an interesting perspective. The "Gizzie-ism" for this one (quick concept, thought or idea/catch phrase to place in ones listener tool box for quick retrieval) could be "We cannot compare pain to pain".
We as human beings have experienced, individually, the worst pain that we have ever known. So, there is the limit, upper part of anyone's personal Richtor scale, yet to date. The worst pain that we have ever known is the worst that has been experienced but, by us. This would be the members "metrics". So, the worst pain experienced would be quite a big deal to anyone.
As listeners, we can't really sit in the space to judge others; to compare their lives to ours, to compare our pain to theirs. Hurting is, well.....hurting. To judge and to not have empathy and compassion for what it is that they are going through, is in essence "one upping" the member. I imagine if one does that and feels that way, then it would be like "oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet". In addition, it's a wee bit of an ego move and we are more focused on ourselves than what it is that the member is sharing with us. For me, that's not what trained active listening is all about.
I'll try to provide an analogy. So, say someone who may be quite privileged, typically has received whatever it is that they have asked for and is now angry with their mother for finally not providing a brand new cashmere sweater for this Fridays football game. Well, I imagine they would be quite upset if this is the worst thing they have ever experienced in their life. To them, it's a painful moment, full of confusion as to why it was okay then and not okay now. Still much to chat about there, how it is they feel, how the relationship is going with their parent, the why's of how the decision was made and learning how to adjust. Perhaps the parents financial status has changed or the expectations have based on behavior? Who knows? The member is still hurting either way.
While the example may be a bit a extreme, I can say that some peoples mindset is...when it's someone else, it's simply a "paper cut" however, when it's you, that paper cut sure does feel really bad, lol 😊
Many of us here on the platform are what our founder, Glen, refers to as the "wounded healer". Who else better to listen to others that are hurting than one that has experienced so much pain in life? It sounds as if you are also a "wounded healer", that you have seen some really hard times. Thank you for being a part of the team! ❤️ I see all of us "wounded healers" as people that have walked through the fire, came out on the other side and are now doing their personal best to bring buckets of water to the rest!
As for me, I do my best to keep my personal pain out of the listening process. I rarely speak of me around here, things that I have seen, experienced, gone through as I feel as if it could have the opposite effect, that a member could possibly feel as if...."why am I asking you to support me, listen to me....this feels shameful that I cannot deal comparatively speaking" and nothing could be farther from the truth. Again, we don't compare pain to pain.
Sometimes as trained active listeners we try to wrap our minds around certain things. To make sense of it all. And that suffering wasn't in vain if you learned something from it, if it helped to make you even more empathetic, if that is part of your impetus to help others in need as you of all people know how bad it feels to hurt and to feel alone.
I know this might be a unique perspective. Please never feel as if you should subjugate your thoughts and feelings for mine. I was simply sharing in an effort to be of service.
Hang in there my friend! Our listening journey is simply that, a journey. And one of the beautiful things on taking that journey is that interestingly enough, through helping others we end up learning a great deal about ourselves. A natural by product if we are truly invested.
*high fives* 😊 and *hugs* ❤️
