Why do I have to always be the one to breath life into this marriage?
Well, yesterday was one of my toughest days. I felt a lot of
depression and anxiety over my life with her and it was just getting to
me. I couldn't even focus on my hobbies or anything else. I was in an
irritable mood all day. I really wanted to just run away. I'm taking the day off with the house to myself
again today, hoping I can feel better. Right now, I just don't even want to go to work.
By the end of the day yesterday, I just wanted to go out in the middle of a field and scream my head off, or go out in the garage and take a sledge hammer to something. This challenge I'm faced with in my marriage is the kind of stuff that causes affairs. Wives who are so unwilling to take care of their husbands both emotionally and physically, it will cause some to stray and seek out an extramarital affair. Some may disagree with that, but it's true. Right now, I'm dealing with that temptation at times. I don't want to do that. But I'm just frustrated with her and tired of it all. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Someone told me in another thread suggesting that I should stop complaining so much about this. Well... I come here as an outlet to unload my brain on this in hopes that it will make me feel better. And at times it does... to connect with others who sympathizes the dilemma I'm in. So please spare me any criticism in this because that's not what I need right now. If that's all you have to offer, then please just don't contribute to this thread with your comments. No one knows or understands the full scope of what I've been dealing with here in this 40+ year marriage. I just can't believe it's come down to this... a lifeless careless marriage where the wife just won't contribute and help breath life into it.
Anyway... I may regret posting this later, but it is what it is....
in a long term marriage is is not easy to leave divorce etc........ the financial hit would be devastating to both parties .......... there have been MANY possible reasons ...... but those are not excuses...
you cannot make someone seek out help for depression ............tell their doctors things they won't or have not told them ...... change their attitude ................regardless of for example a bad job that sucks the life out of you...... i did that type job ...................... until i found what worked for me to leave bad mood at work and treat my home life better ...............no amount of suggestions or cheer leading helped.
If Spearman sees that She is not making an effort at all ...........if becomes worse .........
if spouse attended therapy or made any effort ..... that is NOT too much to ask .........
far too many times we the spouses who are carrying the whole load of marriage are told " be patient" " learn their needs"........... i want to scream .........
enough is enough........... we TRIED almost everything................ being suggested......... we have given so much space time and understanding as humanly possible ...............................but IF they show zero action or even attempts........ it is a slap in the face again and again............ we do NOT deserve that regardless of the REASON they may have.
@toughTiger6481
As much as I appreciate the others and their suggestions, you are one that gets it with what I'm dealing with here. Our situations are so similar. I think you have a broad understanding of what I'm facing, and that's refreshing.... thanks!
Nothing about this is easy nor does it have an easy solution. And if solutions could be found and put into place, it's not something that will heal too quickly. It will take a lot of time and effort to rebuild. I know you understand all that, and I certainly appreciate that.
I was hoping that refusing this vacation for later this year might put her at the "bargaining table" but so far, nothing. I will let this camper just sit here all year long if that's what it takes to get her to finally open up, wake up, and deal with this once and for all. I'm not interested in any vacation with her until this is resolved. So time will tell if this will work.
@Spearman60
Your frustration is evident in your posts and it's really unfortunate because you seem like an open minded well rounded guy. I'm sorry your still struggling. I commend you for not giving up, at least if it dissolves at some point you know you went beyond to try to fix it .
As a menopausal woman I agree with others comments about it affecting your wife. I went through a hurricane of nonsense during this transition. It was not something my hub could handle but you seem like your very willing to help her. There's meds and hormone replacement that can help her with any affects she's enduring. It helped me a lot. I had such a rough time I left my job and I was the health ins person too. But I found a way to get us insured and I'm so much happier I'm not dealing with the job from h*ll. And my symptoms are better.
It's all about communication and because she's not good with that you need a 3rd party to help. A pastor, therapist, life coach type person . My situation is far from great but I'm still trying because I know he loves me. I admit I struggle saying what I should although I'm an outgoing girl . I am so afraid to hurt his feelings. I know he's uncomfortable with some of my requests. I write letters to him.. Maybe your wife is afraid to be honest with you.? Or it's too awkward? Maybe writing to each other would be better , non confrontational....
Keep a journal with all your feelings and desires in a positive light and leave it on the coffee table open so she can read it .
I'm just grasping here trying to help you in some small way because I understand the alone feeling and frustration of not getting what you need . I give 100,% of myself emotionally and physically to this relationship but I'm not getting 100%.
Life's short and sometimes I'm in a panic that I'm running out of time.
Best always ABB 💜
@amiableBlackberry92
Thanks... you seem to have a lot of understanding in this too.
I'm not sure why she won't open up to me, because I don't get all uptight and angry with her if she wants to talk. She's just not good with confrontations. Someone else earlier in this thread suggested I write her a letter, and I may consider that at some point, but I want her to open up and admit the issues that we are having, rather than living in denial and acting like everything is okay when it obviously isn't.
I would think that she would want more out of our relationship than what there is now. But she makes absolutely no effort to make it better. It's up to me. It has always been up to me. As I said in my opening post to this thread, why is it always up to me to breath life into this relationship? Our marriage is so unhealthy and dysfunctional right now, its like two civil roommates just living together.
Well, its got to change and it needs to change soon, otherwise I just can't live like this anymore. I have good days and bad days, but lately, the bad days are outweighing the good days.
I admire what you're doing in your relationship in giving 100%. Mercy, if my wife would do that, it would turn our situation around for sure. And I would certainly response overwhelmingly well to it too.
I couldn't respond directly to your message for some reason. She hasn't talked to her doctor about her level of depression that I know of anyway. But my experience in speaking to her about a lot of this is that she has a tendency to shift blame on me. And when she can't shift blame on me, she makes herself a victim. That's why I have a hard time dealing with her in conversation about some of this. When I do get a conversation with her about all this, I walk away with my head spinning, with very little accomplished. So don't know what to do.
@Spearman60
My experience with depression/burnout/trauma is such that the effected persons can act out defensive, angry, b*tchy, withrown, apathetic, lazy and sometimes psychotic. All over the map. Often times they have no idea they are sick and need help. Our brains don't have a check engine light to illuminate. Such erratic behaviour is actually that red light. It's important to look from a third person perspective to see it and help the person. Does she have trusted friends and family you can talk to?
@LostTurtle2
Not really. She talks to her mom every weekend on the phone. Talks to our daughter occasionally. She doesn't have any really close friends. She has people she works with. She's not a very sociable person. People actually find her quiet and hard to get to know. She has an independent attitude where shes content being at home and not really spending time with anyone. I have a hard time sometimes getting her out of the house just to have dinner with others when we're rarely invited.
I think working in retail for 35 years has ruined her socially. It's as though she doesn't like people and would rather just be home alone reading her books, playing on the phone catching up on FB or playing app games and watching programs on TV she's seen a hundred times.
If I died or went away, I think she would spend the rest of her life by herself not even missing me.
@Spearman60
it is amazing when they seem content to do absolutely nothing and seem perplexed when you suggest something else...
I would love to be able to see in my spouses head for a minute to understand watching same things over and over or video games over real LIFE .... getting out on a nice day taking a walk .... not eating same thing over and over too ..........i want to know inside his mind if he is ever lonely or just wants human contact.... he would be far more upset if the dog was gone then me ......
if i could just know what flipped the switch from when he was normal to this barely existing persona.
@toughTiger6481
I don't know... I'd like to peer into her head and try to understand why she is the way she is towards me. How can anyone live day by day acting like they are content with a lifeless and loveless marriage? She seems content living in this squirrel cage life doing the same thing over and over again every day. Has no interest in physical romance or do much of anything with me, other than bringing up that vacation for later this year. And you know my story about that already... 😊
No concern for the needs of others, just her own, I suppose anyway. She's only focused on the "hardships" in her own life instead of considering what I or anyone else goes through.
I have a dog that I'm very fond of. In fact, she's my unofficial (meaning unregistered) support dog. She goes to work with me all the time and we are rarely apart. She even sleeps in the bedroom with me now. (My wife and I haven't slept in the same room together now for 2-3 years. Mostly because of her early to rise work schedule, and the other because I can't sleep restfully dealing with all this with her.)
I wished you and I both could get some answers to this nonsense we're going through.... 😊
@Spearman60
it is good to know that like me .... you really would like to know how or why they can exist like this .....i actually have more human touch at work ....... hug with co-worker closest thing to intimacy i have had in over a year.
i have casually asked ... if he has zero need to touch a person or what he talks in circles i cannot make heads or tails what he is talking about ........ he loves to act as if we are great to others and i clearly tell them nope he is a big old fake.
@toughTiger6481
Yeah, I can relate to that too. My dad especially, and then others that know us just think she's a darling and the sweetest thing. But... they need to live with her or at least be a fly on the way in our house. My dad says things like, "Now you be nice to her!" I think "whatever!" He needs to be told the same thing about the way he treats mom sometimes. Of course, my mom is a narcissist and self centered.
I don't think there are any "perfect couples" out there where people think they are.
And I'll admit I'm not the perfect husband. I have my flaws too and I'll own up to them. I just wished she would too.
@Spearman60
Yes that is true ..... i just do not chose to live a lie ......
never understood why they care so much what others think about them ........... but could care less what the one person that is suppose to be the most important person thinks.....
i feel numb now .... wasted so much time with a person who used to never care about what others think ....
Now he is playing up to them that i am so important to him .......i laugh just thinking about it.... i want those who have not lived this *** to know the signs .... to NOT play along with the worthless suggestions and see "I got taken wasted my life with this cold person"
@toughTiger6481
Yes, I often wonder myself why she cares so little for me, but more for others. But then again, she doesn't really reach out much to others. She calls her mom every weekend, which is good. But I just can't figure her out. Today she was in her chair a lot, playing with her phone and watching some TV, not a lot. Makes me wonder if I should go ahead and make another attempt at starting a conversation with her about all this. But I just wished she would for once. She's completely shut down on me and just doesn't show any interest in making things better. But even if we do talk, will things change? I have very little hope in that. This is why I want her to initiate the conversation. It would mean more if she did instead of me all the time. Our previous conversations in the past years hasn't produced any positive results. I don't know.... I give up.
@Spearman60
I tried again this weekend for the umpteenth time .......i told him we do not make progress in our conversations because he does not digest the information and really stop and think about .... is what i am about to do one of those things we will argue over........
he puts on junk on TV we have seen a million times ...........i tell him nothing just pick up my items and go in yard to work or took a nap .... he stopped the item guess it was streaming......... when i came back pushed play ................. i lost it said ........"i left because i KNOW THE LINES to this why in the world would you think to pause it so i could watch it" ........ his answer is "i thought you liked this movie"
i screamed "yes in 1999 when it was made now if it was never seen again is FINE with me" .
HOW can anyone be so friggin clueless..... asked him............. "What year do you think this is? " he looks at me like a deer in headlights ...........says i am irrational and he cant do anything right which is just a pity party and not even based in reality........ I have been quiet for close to a month prior to this and he was like "why did you not talk to me? "
i said "why did you not start a conversation ? " he just sat there mystified ........ I do not think i could reach him ........ he lives in his own world.......i was not invited to visit that world
@toughTiger6481
Does he not have any hobbies or things he likes to do besides watching TV?
Speaking of conversation... I came home tonight and she walked in the door from coming in from work and just gave me a blank stare. We made eye contact then she just went about doing whatever. She changed clothes, I got showered from work, and then she came in the kitchen after I warmed up some leftovers from yesterday. She just kinda looked at me, and asked, "Is anything wrong?" Well, I kinda lied and said, "no, why?" I mean, it was the usual every evening sour puss routine.
But I know what she was doing. Trying to do a reversal of rolls here. It's happened a hundred thousand times over the years. She comes home like she's mad at the world, I try to talk, she acts like she wants to be left alone, so frustrated and bothered by her demeanor towards me, I don't bother her and give her space. Then later comes to me and acts like there's something wrong with me. She tries to make me look like I'm the one with the problem, when its her. Sounds petty I know, but that's the way she operates. I can't stand these kind of head games! Why can't she just come home and be nice and quit taking it out on me with her bad day? I don't do that to her! It's like, "I've had a bad day at work and it's your fault!"
I tell ya, I'm tired of it!
I can see and understand your frustration as well. Gosh... why can't a marriage be about loving and caring for one another instead of all this stinkin' head games!!!
@Spearman60
his hobby is golf and too cold for that as well as he let himself go in the last year making it difficult to play so out of shape.......... i so get that i try to talk to him it is no go he wants to decide to ask something finally and it is my fault i do not engage in conversation ....... but past experience shows he tunes out and does not heard a word i say so why bother.....
i just avoid any discussion at all anymore seldom have a big one like yesterday but it is wasted breath....
i want to believe others are better what is there secret etc but i spoke to a few ladies on a walk today and nope only happy person was a widow....lol
@toughTiger6481
Only happy one was a widow huh.... that's funny... 😊
Is golf his only hobby?
Well, as the evening progressed, she ended up sneaking off to bed without saying another word. I was in my office working on a job estimate when she did. Didn't know about it until the light was off and all was quiet. Oh well... maybe we are getting close to some serious talk about this, then again, maybe not. Been there, done this a bunch of times over the years and nothing ever changes.
I obviously don’t know your situation but this was an insult often violently hurled at me by one of my exes. Even though I know for a fact I was being supportive. He had a lot of trauma and I was being projected onto most of the time and although sometimes the critiques had some truth to them because I was the softer and shy personality but I was also anxious, too anxious to even bring things up because he was so volatile emotionally.
The only situation I see for these is to either get an outside perspective or she will have to be willing to talk to you. You could try writing her a letter about how you feel but try not to be accusatory. Use I feel statements and when you do x it makes me feel y etc. Make sure to ask for what you want for example. I want to know how you feel about this. What prevents you from x or what would help you to stop shying away. Love languages ans attachment style are very important too.
I hope you find something that works and that you can get your partner to communicate more but without knowing the situation depression puts false lenses on situations very frequently and she may have her own issues that are preventing her. That’s not an excuse, everyone is responsible for their own healing but I know at my lowest I truly believed no one cared or was doing anything when they were doing the best they could while not knowing how to help.
take care of yourself 🌻
@astroselene,
"when they were doing the best they could while not knowing how to help".
I can so relate to that remark, thanks!
It get complicated when you boh try to help each other not knowing how. When things turn awkward, and you both speak different languages and you persist in your language to be understood while not trying to understand the other person's language.
And you can feel that happening, and you don't talk about it for whatever reason. And you go beyond the point of no return. Having developed a perception of the other that is not how the other person actually is. You get stuck, in you. A pattern that happens too often. I think that is why a lot of relationships crash, unnecessary.
Spearman, um, I'm 25, right smack dab in the middle of my life. No future in site, have "felt" very suicidal and, what's the word...
Sad?
Anyway, uh it seems there is a common trend going on right now where certain people are just freaking out right now more than others and uh I guess I'm one of those people and I think too much about conspiracies, but like how I'm getting tired of typing this, maybe you're just screwed? It might be emo era right now.
@Sourdough384
At 25, I would hope you're only about a fourth of the way, not half way.
I understand the sadness and even the suicidal thoughts. I'm 62 and I have those feelings as well. I don't know what's going on in your life to make you feel this way but I just want to try to encourage you to be more positive in every way you can.
I look back at my life when I was your age and I can tell you the world has drastically changed from then until now. There's a lot of things happening in this world that brings a lot of anxiety and despair. But you got to try not to let it all get to you and focus on trying to take care of yourself. Don't hang on every conspiracy theory and negative situations that are going on around us. Seek out some positive friends and people that can help to encourage you. They're out there they're just hard to find. And I can be a friend and someone you connect with if you want.
@Spearman60
Man dude you typed all this are you sure you're 62 Jesus.
@Sourdough384
What do you mean? Not sure what you're getting at...
@Spearman60
I ment you just had the heart to type all that out to me y'know? Whenever I try to type out something that long and that makes sense I brain turns to static and I lose interest.
Spearman, I feel the same about my husband. I drive our marriage, and it’s very frustrating that he doesn’t try. I got sick over Christmas. He thought I was mad at him, avoided me, and I felt worse. When I asked why he did that, he said he thought I was mad at him. I didn’t know what to say. Clearly, my needs weren’t even considered.
Why do they do this? I can’t say. I’ve read about avoidant attachment. I understand stress. However, there was a time when he cared more and tried more, at least I think so…back in the beginning.
Maybe I drove our marriage too much and didn’t give him room to. Maybe he got too used to me always breathing life into us. Maybe he just got used to being lazy or just has always been this way but codependency didn’t allow me to see it. Idk.
What I do know is that I’ve stopped doing it. I stopped breathing life into our marriage, I barely speak to him, and I just let him go about his life. If I need something I text to avoid arguing. I’ve had to let go or drown. I’m not drowning for anyone.
I also thought that maybe some freedom away from running the marriage will do me good. I’ve been focusing on me more, as I’ve always been in fight or flight and am not now. He can cook himself dinner, and I’ll tend to my things. I've found myself redefining this relationship, as well as what I want in life. Maybe he will come around someday after seeing my change. If not, what difference will it make? Ha ha. I’ll still be my own best friend.
I do hope you take a break from trying so hard, go inward, breathe, and focus more on your happiness. She can’t be the only thing that makes you happy. I wish I had the answers for us both. I wish everyone wanted to be happy.
@yardcarrot
Wow... you speak a lot of what I'm dealing with and what I'm feeling about my marriage. I greatly understand what your saying. It's refreshing to cross paths with someone here who gets it and understands. I have a couple of others here too that understand.
I've done the same thing, stopped being the only one that breathes life into our marriage. We hardly talk much anymore. I've been more focused on me and trying real hard to become more mentally and emotionally healthy again. But I still have my good days and bad days.
And like you, I'm hoping she'll come around someday and realize that she needs to own up to her part of the marriage and do something about it. I thought tonight might be one of those moments as she's dealing with her aging mother. I'm not being insensitive to her about it, but I was hoping she would lean on me more than she does. But she still tends to shut me out, even at those times.
I have taken a break from trying so hard. I'm trying to be focused on other things that bring me happiness, but it's still a challenge. And yes, I wished there was some answers to us both. If we lose her mother in the coming days, I'll be there for her like I always am... but maybe it might finally change things between us... maybe...
Thanks for your message post.... 😊
I've been mostly solitary for years on end. Somewhat recently a mediocre psychologist said I have "avoidant personality disorder" or something along those lines but honestly, it's because I find most people pretty damn boring after the first 15 to 30 minutes & have been burned one too many times to trust a stranger. Nothing unreasonable or strange about it...but I digress.
The point is that while I've been alone for ages & more recently, lonely at times (aging can do that, I suppose)...this thread has reminded me that there are worse fates than being alone in an apartment.
While I am in no position to give advice, as I said...after reading all this....well. If you ever take off & start over somewhere else, Spearman, I wouldn't blame you at all. It's probably what I would do.
If you ever start over without the self-centered ball-n-chain & I hear of it, I will raise a glass to your name, sir.
Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread. I feel as though I've exhausted my thoughts and feelings about all this and don't feel there is much more to be said other what I have stated in this thread and the others I started. But I do hope some might find it helpful in some way, or at least find comfort in knowing they aren't alone in this.
I just wished I could see change in my wife to make our marriage more productive and fulfilling. Will we part ways eventually? Guess there's that possibility. I really don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling the way I do and living with a "life partner" that refuses to be a partner. Like I've stated before, I just don't get it when someone just doesn't want to make a change to make marriage better. Is it stubbornness? Is it pride? Does she not truly love me anymore? I don't know.
Guess I'm sounding pathetic now.....
And like I've also said, whats the use in trying and waiting for things to change when she refuses to do her part and waits around for me to fix and repair things.
But I've come to 7 Cups to find comfort and a place to connect with others. Even though it's helped me to unload my brain here and express my frustrations, it hasn't been real fulfilling. Guess it's not meant to be. Friendships are limited here. Guess I need to find me some local friends, but even that has limitations. I even looked into web sites for internet friends, but just haven't felt right to pursue those since most of them are about dating hookups.
I realize I'm indulged in senseless ramblings here... just feeling someone down and out and a bit depressed. I'll be alright. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. 😕
@Spearman60
i think you have helped more then you know by openly discussing your issues and shareing with people like me who are in similar shoes..... if you reached others who looked and saw themselves maybe you saved a relationship somewhere ......... your threads reached many ... so thank you for being a strong voice for this sad issue.
@toughTiger6481
"Saved a relationship somewhere?" Well, I hope so... just wished mine could be saved, and yours as well. I just find myself so moody sometimes. Some days I'm okay, and then there are days where I'm just ready to run away and start a new life with someone else. Oh well, guess I'll just go and play with my model trains in the basement...... LOL!....😊
One final thought: Just because a site has people on it looking for a date or to get laid doesn't mean you have to use it the same way. Or try getting out of the house. From everything you've said about your wife so far, it doesn't sound like she would care. So you might as well go. Is there a woodworking group in your area?...if so then it might be a great fit for you. Being a carpenter, you'd be as capable as anyone in the group.
You could also start such a group if there isn't one in your town already. There has to be at least a few guys building boxes, chairs, etc. in their garages or back yards....