Need support/no friends
Hello all, new here. I have many things that seem to be adding to my daily stress. I am dealing with a better half who is an alcoholic, my Dad just this week was entered into hospice, I am a teacher (middle school math), and Me and only me takes care of all household chores etc. I believe I need an outlet to discuss freely these things but I do not have one. I have very few friends and do not feel close enough to them to discuss all of this. Does anyone have any suggestions?
@Cheri32 I might have a tentative suggestion...
If I were in your shoes, I'd divorce the guy & get as much benefit as I could out of it. "Benefit" as in financial. If he's a drunkard who doesn't help with the chores & is never there for you emotionally (or in any other way) then, well, what kind of "better half" is he? With a life partner like that, who needs enemies?...
As for the rest of what you listed, unfortunately there isn't much I can say to relieve your anguish. Would that it were so. Losing relatives we love is never easy...sometimes death is not the worst way to lose someone, as you might be finding out.
Nowhere is it written that life will always be smooth sailing.
@slowdecline48
I completely agree with slowdecline48. If your husband isn't helping you and on top of that is an alcoholic, then who needs him? Life is too short to waste your time and strength on a lost cause. It isn't your job to support him and save him. Start looking out for YOU.
Frankly, stories like yours make me glad I never married.
@goodSpruce3041 Ditto that last comment. After hearing/reading enough stories from former & still hitched wives & husbands, some of which were truly horrific, it's too obvious to deny. Marriage just doesn't have good odds these days. Even as I sometimes think it would be nice to not grow old alone, I'm glad I didn't get married either. And I'm male...that should tell you something.
@Cheri32. Have you tried any of the chat rooms on 7cups? There is a guided discussion at 5pm est followed by an open chat in 50plus today at 6pm est. Anything within the guidelines can be discussed in open chat. There is also rooms like sharing circle and exploration garden that may be helpful for discussing your situation.
@Cheri32 Hi there, I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time in the moment. It's all does sound very stressful.
If you don't mind me asking, how long has your partner been an alcoholic? And how much does it interfere with your life personally? From experience, I know that as much as you can love someone who is an alcoholic, unless they are getting help, it will often leave you with all the responsibility, not just to take care of everyday things, but also for them. And that should not be anyone's responsibility. I feel for you. And would be happy to talk more if you would like. That sounds rough regarding your father. I hope he gets the care he needs during this time. No one partner should ever have to do all the chores in a household. It sounds like you have way to much responsibility on your shoulders. I've been there. And the thing that gives will be yourself. Unless you're able to find ways to change the situation. As hopeless or difficult as it may seem, you always have options. Drift 😊
@Drifterbynature He rec'd help and was in "remission" but since both his parents died within a month of each other about 2 years ago, he cannot go a day without liquor. I truly love him and he is awesome for the sober times with me. The chores, I love to clean (I know I am nuts right) but that almost doesn't bother me except when its just expected and he doesn't acknowledge me. I feel so crazy talking about this almost like its behind his back, which it honestly is, but I just needed to get it out. When I try to talk with him about it, he apologizes and says sorry, but then the cycle just repeats. AHHHHHHH.......I need to find a way to enjoy myself through all of this but what's sad is I really just love spending time with my person when he is sober, but there is rarely time and he seems like he never wants to be around me. He says he is sorry but I am tired of always coming behind the bottle, the gym, and everything else. I guess I would like to be first once in a while. Thanks for listening....
@Cheri32
Hello. First I want to tell you I am so sorry about your dad. I am a Hospice nurse, and I sympathize so much with this and am sending you a big hug. Anticipatory grief is equally as painful. I urge you to get into a grief group and highly recommend "Grief Angels" online. ITS FREE online zoom grief groups, there is zero cost and zero obligatory attendance standards. They have a specific group for anticipatory grief and much more. That website is GOLD for grieving people, and I can't even begin to describe all the other free resources they offer at NO cost to grievers. I personally join the sibling loss group.
As far as your husband's alcoholism I also urge you to get involved with AA group for YOURSELF. I have a lot of personal experience working in the addiction field and personal family present and past history with addiction and alcoholism. I'm going to tell you one solid truth that is both harsh and illuminating in this situation.... THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO FOR HIM HE NEEDS TO DO THIS FOR HIMSELF. You can support him along the way, but you are not and cannot be responsible for him sobering up and this is a long long road. The one thing you have control of is how/what you are willing to do from here for you. This nobody can tell you. There is also a free resource for family with addicted individuals and its called WeConnect. Its an app you can get on your phone and they have friends/family zoom groups for people who are addicts. Again, no obligation to you to attend.
For the chores situation this is tough. This is where you might simply need to start spreading chores out and already have an acceptance of the fact you cannot do everything all the time when you need it to be done. This means letting things go for a bit or simplifying your life like ridding yourself of clutter to make things feel better. ALSO don't be afraid to ask for help. If you can pay someone even if its ONCE a month to help this will keep things somewhat manageable. Don't forget NOBODY is cracking a whip. You can do or not do what you want with anything in your life especially when all you're trying to do is survive. Give yourself LOTS AND LOTS OF GRACE.
@VioletteB82You are awesome for what you do. I will honestly look into those resources. I hope we continue to chat. Thank you for not saying to just leave him for his addiction. I honestly love him beyond words and know that its a sickness, not him. Thank you, talk soon I hope. 😄
@Cheri32. I just remembered while reading what @VioletteB82 wrote…. The is also an organization called Al non which has meetings for people who have loved ones with drinking problems.
@Cheri32
Hi :) just wanted to check in with you. How are you?
@Cheri32
Surely, if you are a partner of the addicted person, it could be helpful to you to check Al-Anon meetings in the neighborhood.
You can also visit AA, provided that it's an open meeting (closed meetings are for AA members only), to better understand the nature of this addiction. But Al-Anon could be better for you in terms of getting some emotional support.
@Cheri32
Dealing with an alcoholic is a lot of stress and I was in your shoes .... i wish i had put my foot down stronger because the long term effects are IMO worse then the drinking years ... You have a few choices and not always jump to divorce.
#1 Boundaries ........ you putting in your part of the work....... but do NOT do it all and just be angry ....you are not getting help. let some things go he has no clean underwear that sobers ppl up quick.... no dinner cause you are roommates and you are cooking for one.... unless it is something you can not let go do not do it all....
#2 have the real life discussions about his behavior video or recordings of how stupid they sound drunk is always fun.
#3 time frame for real improvement or divorce on table get all your financials in order.
most even recovered alcoholics have early onset dementia and cognitive skills.
Right this minute i am living that nightmare..... he read me something the other day ( guess he thinks i cannot read) i brought it up as it was about ingredients for something he wants to make and guess what? he remembers ZERO of the conversation. He asked me what type bread i like ( been together 40 years and he does NOT know?) He offers to shop ......i seldom let him because he cannot remember what i said and will buy only what he wants. But gets so mad when he asks and I say whatever you want..... I told him why ask ?
You do not remember cause you had so much "fun" in your 20's and 30's he knows exactly what i am saying and i end up with bread i dislike. and it sits til it molds and we throw it out just take the $$ and throw it out of truck on way to store. being miserable in your old age is NOT what growing old together is sold as..... read this out loud to your spouse let him get a glimpse....
@Cheri32 I'm a teacher too!! Let's be friends 🧡
Hello, I just found this app yesterday and I'm so glad I did. I'm 68. I don't have any friends my age. My siblings are a distance away from me, and we're not close. I'm in a loveless marriage, been married 36 years. We pretty much go our separate ways. We have nothing in common anymore. I join Meetup groups but I find it difficult to connect with people. My son is my best friend, but he's busy and I can't expect him to be around all the time.
I'll be on here if you'd like to chat.
@Cheri32 Hi Cheri! I am new here too (as of a few hours ago) I can relate to a lot of what you said. I have been married to an alcoholic for over 30 years. He has remained sober for long periods of time, but then starts back up again. One of the hardest parts is he drinks in secret, or tries too anyhow. I use to spend way too much time occupying my mind about it, but it is not as bad since Covid. He use to drink and drive and had two DWI’s that were over 10 years ago. Now he has a home office and seldom drives further than a few miles. I also use to worry more about his health (still do, just not as much) but this past year he has had a lot of lab work and tests without any major concerns revealed. I didn’t even believe him when he said his liver function was normal and made him show me.
Do you know what his triggers are? For my husband, his core trigger is work stress. Has your husband ever tried any medications that lessen cravings? My husband said he had zero cravings while he was taking them, only problem is that he stopped taking them. I can relate to you also on lack of friendships. I have always been more in to quality over quantity of friends, but I have lost touch with friends over the years. I do have a sister for support, but we both have busy lives and other than each of us venting with each other by phone once in awhile, we don’t get together more than once or twice a year, just the two of us. The only advice I can think of to give you in this moment is try and encourage sober time together with him, but don’t let that stop you from doing your own thing if he would rather drink. Maybe sign up for a class or new activity you could do more regularly than meetups. Lastly, it seems to me that this community itself can be an answer, at least that is what I am hoping for myself.