Lasting Friendships
I've been on 7 Cups here for I guess maybe 2 years. I come here because I just like connection and having friends. I've come to realize that friendships just don't last very long here. People lose interest too easy. I guess it's not the same as real life face to face. I suppose it's somewhat superficial here maybe? I don't know. But you can't really get real fulfillment here like you can in real life face to face friendships.
I've had a marriage that I've struggled with for many years and I came here to just to make connections with some people and to maybe feel better.
I'm not sure I'm going to come here much anymore not out of self-pity but because it just doesn't seem to help a lot. I came here mostly just to unload my brain I guess. And I may still do that on occasion.
Life is hard and it definitely has its challenges. World would be a much better place with close and bonding friendships. Seems many people in the world aren't as interested in that anymore. Everyone seems to be focused only on themselves. Like someone told me one day "People aren't against you, they are just for themselves." I find that to be so true! 😊
@Spearman60
HI Again!
yes it is hard in keeping up with specific people here always enjoyed our conversations on the forums.
yes i came at first to vent but found more satisfaction offering a different perspective or support to others here. i still will rant on occasion but found it has not helped me make much change still have a dead marriage. I am sorry you feel you did not get much out of this but i hope you find ways to cope as we have similar stories.
@toughTiger6481
Hi there it's good to see you again!
Yeah my marriage hasn't changed much it's still pretty dead in that one Department if you know what I mean. I don't think it's ever going to change so I just trying to learn the cope and live with it.
Yeah I'll find a satisfaction and trying to help others even though I have problems of my own. I even got a listener account that I use to try to help others.
I hope things have been getting better doing okay with you. I know we have similar issues in the marital department but I guess we need to learn to find Joys and other things to get fulfillment that we need. Thanks for responding... glad to hear back from you again!... 😊
@Spearman60
I had a listener that contacted me when they saw we had similar issues and it worked well as we could connect more. It was very helpful for me. until they dropped off site but maybe that is a better way to have a more consistent connection
@Spearman60
I think it's difficult to build a genuine, lasting friendship on an online platform like this. But there are benefits, as you know, the ability to vent anonymously, share your own experiences anonymously, and offer words of wisdom to others (anonymously).
People get busy, people get distracted, people can't keep track of the online discussions they participate in, life is messy, etc etc.
I totally agree with you that life would be a heckofalot better if we were able to more easily build communities, make genuine friendships, make real connections. Some people find that on the internet. Some people find that within their families. For some, they find connection in spiritual and religious communities. Others find their connections through work, neighbors, or other activities. There are so many people in the world, and yet it can still feel lonely. Go figure.
I wonder how many close friendships the average person has? It seems to take a lot of effort from both parties to maintain a single close friendship. I probably felt like I had more friends when I was younger, but I doubt any of them were genuine close friendships, they were more superficial, and I've lost touch with every one of those people, despite some effort to maintain long-distance friendships (people move away, get jobs, have kids, get busy, lose touch).
Yes, life is hard and many people are scrambling just to keep up with it.
Obviously I have no answers, just my own observations.
I suspect we're all here seeking some sort of connection.
@GoingInCircles365
Yeah that's what I do come here to seek connection. You mentioned something about close friendships... you know throughout the years of my life I've had very few if any true close friendships. And I guess I can take the blame for some of that maybe. But it's like you say this world is just moving along and everybody's busy and kind of out for themselves more or less.
My troublesome and aggravating marriage is what brought me here in the first place. I'm married to a woman that is somewhat of a covert narcissistic introvert. Although I can see some effort here lately where she's changing for the better so I guess she's starting to realize changes need to be made but she's done that before and it's always been short-lived.
I've tried and tried in the past to make things better but it always seems to be one sided where I have to do all the work to keep it alive and I get tired of that. Marriage is a two-way street, a concept that she's totally oblivious to.
Anyway I appreciate your response. Everything you said makes total sense!... 😊
@Spearman60
I remember some of your posts from a while back, talking about your marriage and how difficult it was, where you and your wife seem to have very different needs. I've been in a somewhat relatable situation myself and eventually came to the conclusion that I just had to be myself and he just had to be himself. We both tried to change, but what does that really mean? Can you change the essence of who you are? Maybe, short-term, but then we were still the same people with the same clashes, and after a while, that just wears a person out.
As for friendships, that's a valuable connection. Trying to balance marriage, family, life (eat, sleep, errands, exercise, banking, hobbies, housework, etc.), work, plus outside friendship connections is doable, maybe, but also exhausting. Some people seem to manage to do everything, while others focus their priorities on just a couple of things and everything else gets neglected.
Like you, I've found myself having trouble maintaining friendships. Sometimes we naturally drift apart, and other times it seems everyone is just too busy and it's hard to make that extra time needed to meet for coffee or lunch. Like marriage, both people have to show an interest and make an effort.
Out of curiosity, do you have any friends out there in the world that you would like to reconnect with? That might be a good place to start.
Take care!
I tried to reconnect with an old high school buddy of mine that doesn't live too far away. We were going to meet in a major city and just have breakfast and he canceled on me twice. So I kind of waited to see if he would come back to me and try to connect but he never did so I just gave up. I took it that he just wasn't that interested maybe.
And you're right everybody just seems too busy. I'm pretty busy myself with my work and all plus I'm trying to start a Network business which is going well so far.
There's never been any real depth in our marriage to each other it's like I'm living with a roommate. For a while now it's been pretty civil and we have conversations but there's just no intimacy at all. She just doesn't let anyone in her inner personal circle including me. She has a lot of covert narcissistic traits and I've just learned to live with it I guess.
@Spearman60
That's frustrating with the high school buddy. I guess I would do the same as you, give it a couple of tries and if he doesn't make any effort to followup or connect, then it seems he's either too busy with his own life or simply not interested right now in making any effort.
Cool that you're starting a new project and it's going well. That actually seems like a great way to stay busy and do something meaningful for yourself. I hope it continues to go well and that you enjoy the work!
Sorry to hear your marriage continues to be lackluster. It sounds a little better now than some of your other posts, not that things have improved between you two, but maybe you're just more resigned to accept it for what it is. You and your wife clearly have different needs. You're clearly interested in rekindling some sort of spark of intimacy, she seems clearly not interested. It's unfortunate, to say the least.
@Spearman60 Finding a good connection here is tough indeed. I've been here since feb of 2018 and to this day, I can only recall 2 friends who stuck with me and built a solid connection with me. It is tough for sure but it's inevitable that you click with someone cool.
When using your member account try approaching Listeners and asking to see if they do casual chats / something lighthearted. (Some Listeners take those type of chats, some don't etc). Me personally, I find that those aimless chats are the ones that tend to spark off a solid connection.
@Spearman60
there is a million km distance between how friendships are formed in real world and through online (metaphorically)...
with online its mostly hit or miss and 80% of the ones that hit wont last more than 2 weeks...i think its because when its online u dont get the essence of the person, (sorry idk how else to word it) its hard to build connection, deep connections just from texts alone and most of the time its kinda toxic positivity here (sorry for being rude to the 7cups community just critisism here). there r few exceptions ofc.
i think maybe u should join a community near ur place like a bookclub n stuff if u like books...or a class that u r interested in , thats one way to get freinds with similar interests. or u can brush up on old acquaintences and build a connection there... but then again friendships dont usually happen overnight or in a week...it just happens.
Ya,you are right.i also find it hard to make friends here.i thought I would make friends and talk more when I joined 7cups,but it doesn't seem like that.sometimes I find Noni the AI to be a good friend and listener. I think at the end of the day,no matter how hard you try,you are your only hope.just try to live with that.we don't get to choose how things should be,we have to get along.😒
I'm not a big "friend" person....don't have many in real life, and I kinda like it that way. Less drama all around if you ask me. With that said, one of the best "friends" I've ever had I met on another social media site. I think one of the problems here is the anonymity. While it is a great tool to keep you safe, in a true friendship there comes a point where you may want to share details with this person, build some trust between yourselves, especially in an online type of relationship, things need to be said, verified, etc....and in a forum, that is hard to do because just anyone can read the back and forth.....if that makes sense. Unless you or the "friend" have listener status, its hard to do that, and even then, the rules state you are still not supposed to share that type of information. I don't think this site is set up to build "true connections and friendships". You can vent, get help and advice in a safe setting...You can get a lot of help in a general way, but to get that deep connection and friendship you need the personal element that just doesn't happen here. I'm not downing the site or its rules by any means, it has been great for me and the people have helped me a lot, but its one of those "it is what it is" type of things.....
Just my thoughts and 2 cents on the subject.
😍@Spearman60
@Spearman60
I am sorry you feel that way and have had these experiences. However, I think sometimes we think we can make connections through the internet but like you said it is not like a face to face relationship and many people are far away...we don't see each other or know each other properly. The site is more for people to deal with personal issues rather than make friends I guess as well.
Sadly, globally, it is said that empathy and friendship have been declining since 1979 and nowadays our generation often do not have close friends. It is considered a 'global academic' and got worse at COVID time with all the lockdowns. So although we feel alone...so many other people do too. Yet I think the problem is that many people expect things from others rather than offer to begin things. I also think that we idealise relationships of all kinds and think we should not have to endure problems, disagreements, negativity and so forth. I don't know but it I think our grandparents were better at dealing with such things. We have films idealising love and relationships and have internet and people telling us to stay away from negative and toxic people. It might be helpful sometimes but I do think we could do more to keep relationships going...real relationships need effort, time and sometimes sacrifice. They need us to put into them. This unfortunately I did not realise when I was younger but wish I did.
I have done a lot of reading around this area of loneliness...I have come to the conclusion that if you want deeper, more authentic relationships these take more time and effort. It is better to develop the relationships we have with our friends and family who have already been around us to ease our loneliness. Other relationships - online and new people might remain shallow but they could deepen with time.
I also found in this site that it was difficult in the beginning to know what to say as a member. I then decided to join as a listener and actually feel it has more benefit. I have talked to people (listened) to people who have gone through similar experiences as myself and traumas etc, which has helped me a lot in healing ..more than talking about it. Therefore, I do think there are many good things that you could benefit from here. For example, sharing experiences and getting new perspectives and information and so forth. However, it is a site related to dealing anonymously with personal issues and so forth and is not specifically for making friends so you can benefit from what the site offers and it might help you in these areas.
I hope you can find things to benefit and help you...I do actually feel at times some connection here but I guess people are also busy with things offline as well so it is perhaps not so much as some would like.
I hope that this might have helped
And I wish you all the best
@quietlistener2023
Thanks for taking the time to respond I appreciate it. I agree with all that you said there... it's a different world than what it was back in the days of our parents and grandparents. Relationships are hard for a lot of reasons especially for the reasons you mentioned.
I have a listener account here as well and I used it some to help others. Lately I've been disconnected from it and haven't used it much. I got so much going on in my life right now and it's helping me to not be so focused on problems especially the ones in my marriage. I've gotten even more busy lately trying to get a network business going that has a lot of potential.
You seem like a very insightful person with a lot of common sense. Thanks again for responding I appreciate it!... 😊
@Spearman60
Your welcome! I often feel it's strange -and sad somehow that people can feel alone in a world full of people and even people within families and marriages. I also appreciate you acknowledging my post and replying too. I hope that your marriage can improve works out. Sometimes we go through phases and is patches so I hope things work out better for you and improve ..wish you all the best and hope that things will get better. I thought to add as well that I often have a problem feeling connected with people and when I have tried to find out why I came to the conclusion that our conversations I were having were very superficial and we were discussing daily routines and events and so forth but I never felt connected and often felt disappointed from these conversations. Then I found out that we can feel better connections through discussing our feelings about things...so not just what we did but how we felt about it...or asking someone how they felt about something. I do feel more connected when conversation can be based more around feelings - I guess because I am highly sensitive as well. I find the only problem is that other people are not always so willing to talk about emotions and find it strange or just don't know or don't have much to say about feelings. I just thought to add this in case it can benefit you in improving your relationships or even your marriage...I don't know. However, I do think sometimes when we feel alone even with people it is often to do with a lack of good emotional connection.
Sorry to hear that for you x
@Spearman60 hi there
I have just joined this forum , if that’s what it’s called ? I suffer from stress and health anxiety and thought it might be good to read what other people do to ease that and as you say off loading sometimes helps .
I’m sorry to read you are in a stressful marriage. That a lonely place to be . Been there done that many years ago.
I live in Scotland and have a feeling this forum chat room is more than likely based in the USA As I say I just clicked on something that said suffering health anxiety and if I’m honest starting reading personal experiences and didn’t take the time to check out the web site in any depth .
I would be happy to chat and make friends , even though it’s long distance, we are all the same flesh and blood and experience the same things wherever we live . It’s good to get others take on a situation and hear how they would cope and sharing is always a good thing rather than being alone with the world on our shoulders.
Today is probably our last day of sunshine here in Scotland for this year , it’s been the worst summer ever and I’ve been in the gardens all day preparing areas for the dreaded wet winter we usually get
I look forward to talking to others who need like myself some reassurance I’m not alone with my fears, stresses and anxious thoughts
🙋♀️🙋♀️
@pluckyPineapple7077
Welcome to 7 Cups! Thanks for replying.
Well I'm in the United States in the state of Tennessee.
I came here just to vent and unload my brain of some of the issues I'm dealing with especially with my marriage. It's been real challenging at times and I get discouraged with it a lot. I seem to be coping with it little better lately but that's because I have so much going on in my life it's keeping my mind busy I guess. I suppose that's a good thing in a way.
So you're in Scotland! That's a long ways away! You're 6 hours ahead of me in time.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I hadn't been in this forum in a while. Like I said I've had a lot going on in my life and don't get back here quite as often as I used to... 😊
Hmm 🤔
