Death and Anger

@LucianX Hi. Sorry for the loss of your mom. Someone told me that is common for family dynamics to change when parents are gone. It sounds like you are grieving not only the loss of your mom but also the loss of connection to family. It’s natural that you might feel a lot of frustration with major life changes and not knowing how to fill the vacuum. Was anger an issue for you before these changes?

@helpfulAvocado7912 Thank you for responding. In answer to your question, I've never been an angry person. Quite the opposite actually, I was most often joking around and generally just trying to make others laugh. I despise the fact that I'm angry and basically just negative now.

@LucianX

Hello Lucian! Its lovely to meet you, Im Khai!

It sounds like you've had a very eventful life, full of many risks. Its so lovely to have you back on cups, and its wonderful that you recognized your behaviors and are owning up to your actions; that shows a great deal about your character.

It looks like you had a really rough year last year. First off, i am extremely sorry to hear about the loss of your mother, it sounds like you were very close and that the loss truly affected you deeply. She sounds like an amazing women who you looked up to. Despite your normal reaction to heavy emotions, this loss seemed to have really affected you which is totally a valid reaction. Even though you'll always carry some pain when thinking about her- How are you feeling about losing her now? I hope you were able to heal properly

Im sorry to hear that after her loss you haven't been able to connect/see your family very often. Its quite unfortunate that your brother wont reach out, even though your love for him is quite visible. Have you tried reaching out?

I hear you, Lucian. It really looks like you're struggling right now, from your anger to you social life. I can tell you are really affected by the loneliness, humans do need socialization and i can imagine not being able to have that is extremely frustrating. Do you think your anger has to do with where you are in life right now and what you're dealing with? Do you think there are certain triggers to your anger? What do you feel is causing the social isolation? Do you think it may have to do with how you coped when you lost your mom?

Thank you for sharing with us. Its lovely to hear a bit about your story. I hope you're able to receive the support you deserve on cups.

- Khai

@LucianX

Hi Lucian! I'm sorry you've got all that going on. That's a rough time and my condolences for the loss of your mom. It seems to me that there's one person in the family that's the glue holding the rest together. When that person is gone, the dynamics don't just shift, sometimes they fall apart.

Being angry is OK. It's one of the stages of grief. Questioning and looking back is part of it too. Losing a parent is never easy and even when we get older and know it's coming, it's still hard. The rock that's always been there just isn't anymore.

I've been there at the "what the *** do I do now?" point a few times in my life. You're also at an age when it's common to look back with a lot of regret or wishes along with your own thoughts of time getting short. You'll get through it.

Think a bit and reach out to your brother again. What would you say to him? What would you like to hear from him? What would he want to hear from you? Have you wronged him in some way? If so, what could you do to make things better between you now? Perhaps most importantly, will you sincerely try?

I had a brother once. Couldn't stand him most of the time when we were young. We parted ways as adults and had very little interaction for years. He was just plain downright mean until the day he died. Didn't matter. He was still my brother. If he needed me I had his back and I still loved him. I didn't miss him much when he was alive but I've missed him every day since he's been gone.

@kayleebee Thank you, your words are certainly wise. I have read up on the stages of grief and it seems I'm stuck being angry. I've attempted to get professional help through therapy several times and it seems there's always an issue. I have very good insurance but somehow things never pan out. I understand that some of those issues were of my own making but in my defense I'm not accustomed to Depression or Anger problems. I am literally flailing.

As far as my brother goes, I have called him, texted him, and messaged him on social media sites, but he refuses to respond or if he does he blatantly lies to me that he's incredibly busy and can't take calls or even drop by. He and I have never had harsh words as adults. I'm at a total loss.

Right now my strongest desire is to move away to somewhere quiet to recover my senses and start over what life I have left. I live in the center of a small city and there's no peace to be had here nor is there any reason for me to remain here. I want to make some kind of difference, even if it's only in my own life. It sometimes seems that the obstacles are too many.

@LucianX

I'll ask a question. Have you heard of male menopause? If not, I think it couldn't hurt for you to look it up. My apologies for any assumption.

Grieving takes as long as it takes. It's not uncommon to feel stuck and you might bounce through the different stages a few times. Show yourself a little kindness. You're trying your best and reaching out for help when you know you need it. That's huge.

As far as your brother, I don't know. But I would say show him a little kindness too. He's clearly communicating he doesn't want contact right now. So let him be. It's impossible to say why but remember he's grieving also. It could be this is his way of doing that. Some people want to draw closer, others want distance.

I think time will be your friend on both. You need time to grieve and come to terms with some things. Your brother does too. It could be he really doesn't have the time or energy right now and just doesn't know how to say that. Reach back out to him in a month or so. No expectations but maybe a simple "hey bro, can we talk?" and see what happens.

@kayleebee I actually Googled male menopause. haha Interesting. You very well may have a point.

@LucianX

I liked seeing the haha.

In all seriousness though, your statement about being a typical cantankerous old man made me think of it. I'm sure you've seen a few sweet dogs get a little snappy in their old age. They're not getting mean, it's the arthritis making them snappy. Never rule out anything when nothing seems to quite fit.

@LucianX

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. She sounds like she was your biggest supporter. After my Dad died my life took a bad turn. I've been through a lot of trauma . I've had a lot of things change in my life. I understand your upset feelings.

In therapy I've learned that anger can be suppressed depression. Yes it is a grieving emotion too. BTW therapy has been an incredibly good choice for me.

I think it was really brave for you to come to 7 cups and share your experiences. People here are incredibly supportive and it helps to know your not alone in your suffering.

Your feelings are your truth don't apologize for them. All your going through is possibly the start of a new path for your life. And possibly a really good chapter.

Best to you ABB

@amiableBlackberry92 Thank for replying....and for your reply. Losing a parent can certainly alter ones' whole existence. I lost my Dad in 1988. He was robbed and murdered in his restaurant in Florida. He was 47. It remains a cold case to this day. There has been no closure, only the huge scar it left on my soul.

I don't want the same lack of closure with Moms' passing. I must work through this and try to have a life, and not just an existence.

I begin therapy at a local clinic soon. Next week actually.

@LucianX

Oh my I'm so sorry about how your Dad passed. That's so sad. That has to be a deep scar on your heart. And you are incredibly strong to share that here.

I'm very happy to hear your going to start therapy. I have to say it's changed my life and my dedication to going every week for the last 4 years has been instrumental in bettering myself.

Therapist says " when you know better you do better" lol. Truth right there....

I do believe that you are at the beginning of having a fabulous life not just an existence. You are brave and very strong and I know you can do it!

ABB 💜

I’m sorry for your loss and hope you find peace.

@LucianX, There is a saying that goes, “I sat with anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief.”

Anger used to be my go to emotion. Still working on it. My mother died last year of Lewy Body disease (a type of Alzheimer with Parkinsonism). I had a lot of anger too. I think it’s a build up of a lot of unresolved issues. And now that person is gone and we still got the unresolved issues :)

@LucianX

Lucian :

My condolences for the loss of your mother. 😞

I read your comments and I hear you ! You are not alone !!

I am inviting you to the Sharing Circle chat room where you will get support from other

members of 7Cups and other members will listen to you ! 😊

@LucianX

Sorry for all the difficulties you had to face and the current struggles, condolences for your loss.

If you need to reach me out for a chat, feel free to text me, hope you can feel like you are not alone on here.

Take care!