Adult Children that Bring More Pain than Joy

@Justme1225

As I was reading your story, I was taken back to a time not to long ago I was in the very same position as you with my daughter. I certainly feel your pain, its a gut wrenching feeling. Speaking from my own experience I was doubting my role as a mom( still do) didn't and still don't understand why I was treated the way I was since I know deep down somewhere I was a pretty good parent, like you she was raised in an environment that was somewhat stable filled with respect, love , encouragement ect...no damn idea what went wrong. I could go on and on with my own experience. I responded to your post because I wanted to acknowledge you and the pain. I totally understand it. It's not fair. It's not right. You don't deserve to be treated this way. You did your best as a mom. HOLY you raised 11 kids?! Did I get that right? Anyway that is admirable. I feel that says so much about you. I hope you know that. You did the best you could. Feel free to connect if you ever need to vent.

Happy belated birthday 🎂 💓

@neverendingTime23

I'm sad to know you, and so many others, have experienced this same type of anguish. As you surely know, it is one of those situations you have to experience to understand. Your supportive words are truly appreciated.

@Justme1225

Good morning!

Anytime!!!

@Justme1225 It sounds like a difficult situation. Would family therapy between you and the 3 adult children be a possibility?(when the covid situation improves).

@adventurousBranch3786

Three years ago ... yes; but note comment about no voice. Now, not at all.

@Justme1225

I am very sorry to hear of the way these adult children have been behaving and treating you, and that there seems to be a new cycle of poor treatment beginning. That said, I would like to draw your attention to a key word that you yourself have used several times: adults. An adult is someone who is no longer a child but is considered capable of making decisions independently. Since these adults in question have taken it on themselves to treat you poorly, and in one instance take your money while essentially disowning you, then it seems--to my mind anyway-- that they can now be emancipated, without guilt or remorse on your part. Whatever the circumstances, the bad blood, the past, all that is hurtful, yes, but it is in the past.

A new year is coming. You're now 65. The youngest of these adults is 18, technically an adult in the US. Everyone is now free to decide how to relate to one another--if at all Perhaps a New Years resolution will be better boundaries for all concerned. I like your idea to focus on the ones you do get along with, and let the others fade from your attention. Don't feed their drama and perhaps it will subside, and certainly no more money to ungrateful individuals.

@InquireWithin

Thank you for validation of my feelings. I can't begin to tell you how much it means. It has been gut-wrenching to experience; but what you said about them being adults, is exactly how I am feeling about the relationships. By the way, the18 year old is a sweetheart ... no worries with him. The 3 (actually 4) that cause the heartache, are just taking it to new levels as they have (cough) matured.

For the record, we have never abused these children. Whatever abuse they may have inflicted on each other was handled to the best of our ability ... whether it was well-considered consequences, separation or counseling. They have lived in a smoke-free, drug-free and alcohol free home. I've never heard my husband say a swear word in the entire time we've been together. At the point the local school system became inadequate for the adopted children, I resigned from an enviable career to be a stay-at-home mom and homeschooled (something I never intended to do). When they were given opportunities to return to public school, they chose to come back home. All of the ones who wanted to go to college, were accepted and assisted with expenses. From my perspective they were provided an enviable home life. So, there is no guilt from this side as to our parenting. Just hurt from their behaviors ... and those who enable and encourage them in it.

And 2021 is going to be very different year. May the new year be good to you, as well.

@Justme1225- I just did the math and realized how many children you raised- 11!! That is an admirable feat to have fledged eleven to adulthood. That means at least 8 of your family is standing beside you and appreciative of the great job you did to raise them. Hold your head high, don't let the troublemakers bring you down. Whatever drama they have brought up three years ago is on them. Please do what is best for yourself and focus your energy on the meaningful relationships with those who respect you. Perhaps someday the others will realize the error of their ways- but don't let them wreck your life. As an aside I wonder if you are feeling some empty nest longing as your family has been raised. Be gentle to yourself in this new phase of your life.

@barncat

Thank you for the uplifting words. Our (almost) empty nest isn't as empty as one would think. With plenty of grandchildren, there is ample opportunity to enjoy the littles ... with the added bonus of being able to send them back home when they start getting cranky! May your new year be filled with good things!

Justme1225 I am new to the site but I feel so much of what you are going through. The pain that grown children can inflict (especially during the holidays) truly can be heartwrenching and breathtaking. I am a mother of two biological and one adopted "adult" children. As of right now I am estranged from all three. My oldest daughter over a year ago was beaten by her husband, was growing pot in her attic with him (while my three grandchildren were living in the home), were considering moving in an 18 year old girl into their home with the children for a "poly" relationship, the list goes on. I called the police and had my SIL arrested for DV (3 case). Instead of him going to trail and facing his sentence they packed up in the middle of the night and moved clear across the country and took my grandbabies away from me and blamed me for all of it. I didn't know where they were for months. I know which state they are in now, general area, I am still not allowed to know their address, they still believe I will send the police to have them arrested. NOT. My oldest son is 3 hours away and his wife is a drama queen and rules the roost. She is currently mad at me so that means the grandchildren get held from me till she decides she needs a babysitter or a weekend away. My youngest son, who I adopted as an infant, is currently in a Crisis Unit for major depression and called me on Christmas Eve repeatedly insisting that I say that I was a sh**tyy parent and he no longer calls me Mom but by my first name.

You describe how you raised your children. I gave all my children everything they needed. They were given every opportunity. Our lives were not great. Their father was abusive. I stopped it by leaving him. Sorry to say, the abuse did not stop because of visitation, but I did what I could do. I made sure they got counseling, did what I could. It seems like this behavior by "adult children" now is the "NORM" and is acceptable. I think this kind of behavior of ALL PEOPLE is the NORM and acceptable. You can say and do whatever you want and it's ok. There seems to be no checks and balances. I don't know about you but I would have NEVER treated my mom or grandma like this, or spoken to an elder like this. My mother is almost 80 and I am STILL afraid of her! LOL My mother is still alive and I am able to speak to her about all of this (I try to spare her as much as I can) and I know she is SHOCKED that my children behave like this.

I am working on things. I do take time to do some self-reflection. I do tend to react before I think. I am a VERY emotional person and take thing too emotionally. I am able now to have a "decent" relationship with my daughter after a year. They will never be able to come home, but that is due to THEIR decisions and mistakes, not MINE. It is what it is and hopefully some day she will allow me to visit. Till then, we call, text and I facetime the girls. I will have to live with that. My oldest son? I am working on it, but if I cannot have a relationship with him without all the drama of the DIL, I may have to stay away for now, it is what it is. I'm too olf for all that. My youngest? I have told him I love him, truly have done everything I can possibly do for him the past 24 years. If the professionals can't help him, I sure can't.

Us Mom's wear our hearts on our sleeves. But we must guard our hearts as well. Our children are not allowed to just stomp all over our hearts and then sit back and be smugg. That's not allowed. Mothers are to be cherished and adored. If we are not being treated so, BY ANYONE, including our children, we must step back from that person because they are toxic and are causing more harm than good. It does not mean it is for good, but it means it may be for a season. It does not mean as a Mother that you no longer LOVE your child.

Justme1225 I DO know how you feel. I know that somedays you have a handle on it, that you KNOW that this is not your fault and you are ok with it, but then there are times when you feel that you are a totally failure as a mother. THAT is not true and the reason you get those thoughts are from the TOXIC ones that are still in your life. You need to take a step back for a season and let your heart and soul heal from those relationship. I have done that. It's really hard and you actually have to "grieve" the loss of the relationships at first, but then you will actually realise that PEACE comes after when you realize that the pain and drama has gone.

Hang in there, better days do come. As a Mom who thought she couldn't have children, I used to think the worse thing that could happen was to never have children and it sounds really terrible to actually say outloud and there are days I can't believe I actually think it, but that was not the worse thing that could have happened.

Take care.

@kalestuffedlamb63

So sorry you are also dealing with this. I firmly believe this is more prevalent than is talked about, because mothers have a hard time accepting (much less admitting) that their children treat them this way. You can find a plethora of articles about toxic parents ... the flip-side is rarely even acknowledged as a possibility. Anyone who dares to vent about it is almost always accused of some kind of abuse or personality disorder. I totally agree that our current culture nurtures and even celebrates this type of parental disrespect ... and abuse. My own mother passed away in 2013; and I often think of what her reaction would have been to all of this ... expecially since the main perpetrator was one of her favorites. She would have been appalled. It sounds like you were also taught to respect your parents ... even in the worst of circumstances ... and that is why this is even harder for us to comprehend. I remember sending flowers to my mother's office for Mother's Day (decades ago), to be delivered on Friday (so she could have bragging rights at the office - lol). Unaware she was taking Friday off ... she didn't know they had arrived. By Sunday evening, I had received a long distance call from my Grandmother reaming me out for not recognizing my mother on Mother's Day. How the times have changed! Seems the cancel culture has infiltrated every aspect of our existance. That being said, this new year is going to be one of self-regeneration. I pray that for you, as well.

@Justme1225 I pray this year is gentle on your Mom's heart. I have found the courage to speak up and to stand my ground and let my children know that I will not be abused by ANYONE, including them. And then step back. It's realy hard to do, but I have found that I am getting better results than before. Because what was happening before just wasn't working, especially for ME. Please reach out to me anytime you want. Us Mamas need to stick together, the battle is real.

Good Morning!
I have a situation with one of my 3 adult children....... First, I would like to acknowledge my youngest daughter is an absolute breath of fresh air, however, I am struggling with the fact she does not ever say Thank you to anyone ever! I do not understand this because for me I feel it is just courtesy. It should be just so simple But because she struggles with depression I am not sure how to approach this I am not even sure if she even is aware that she does not acknowledge it.

Any thoughts or ideas on how I can address this to her without the possibility of her getting upset.
Thank you
Nicole
.

@neverendingTime23 I am NO expert on any of this, I just think that being honest is best. Try to approach the subject as gently as possible and if she starts to get upset, back off. Recently I was told something by my husband that I was not aware of AT ALL. Totally took me by surprise. I AM glad that he told me and I have been taking steps to improve, BUT the way that he told me, I believe, could have been in a more gentle way. He did not yell or anything, but he was VERY blunt, NO sympathy at all. I think he realized later how he had come across and when I came home the next day he had gone out of his way to make me feel loved.

My youngest child suffers from depression/bipolar and he never buys me Mother's Day, Birthday, Anniversary, Christmas, etc cards. He does not buy me presents or acknowledge these days to me. I have not said anything till this last year. I finally decided to call him out on it because I/we always buy for him and acknowledge his days/holidays. I asked him if I could ask him a question and I asked why he did this. He stated "They are just another day". I told him that they were not "Just another day to me and it hurt me that he didn't even acknowledge them". He didn't say anything till later and on the way out the door he grunted "Happy Mother's Day". It's a start.

I guess I am sharing because I have experienced this situation both ways. If I am doing something that is wrong and I may not know that I am doing it, I would want to know. But when being told, it also needs to be done gently. I would suggest in a short conversation.

I was told something years ago and it holds true. When someone says something to us, either in words or a letter (text). Listen (read) and if there is any truth to it, take it to heart. If there is no truth to it, forget it, or delete it. Don't keep the text (or letter or note) to go back to so you can re-hash it over and over again.

I hope this helps, let us know what you decide to do.

@kalestuffedlamb63
Thank you!
This was very helpful. I will let you know how it goes!

@neverendingTime23

I agree with bringing it to her attention; but in a kind way. With my own (while living at home), if I didn't get a thank-you at the appropriate time, I would just say "You're welcome" ... as if they had. Usually that got an "oh yea, thanks" in return, while bringing it to their attention that it should have been said to begin with. It was never taken offensively, more of an ahah moment that they were oblivious to the fact that someone had done something where some appreciation was due. If this is a teen, they are living in an alternate state most of the time.

Hi, I'm so sorry you're going through this and I can definitely relate to issues with adult biological children and step children. I thought I had the "Brady Bunch" family, but I was sadly mistaken. The heartbreak I endured over the years while sick with various autoimmune diseases made it much worse. I am finally in a peaceful place. I communicate with those who have no agenda, aren't looking for drama or gossip, and I'm much happier. We can't please everyone no matter how much we want to be fair and keep the peace. I wish you well.

@Sue1963

I do relate to the Brady Bunch reference. If you don't mind my asking, how are you handling (or not handling) the ones who are not in your communication loop. That is my current struggle. I'm definitely done with chasing relationships; and of the current mind that I have no further obligation to them for anything; but I still have my moments of angst.

Hello, In order for me to keep my valued and strived for peace of mind, I stay in touch with the family members who have made the effort to do the same. I never gossip or ask questions about the others. Life is too short to agonize over anyone, family included, who have betrayed or purposely hurt me. I have forgiven them and I don't hold a grudge. You know the saying " Fool me once?". I learned the hard way that some people will never change and they don't have my best interest in mind. I would drive myself nuts wondering what I did or didn't do to offend. I don't believe I did anything, but the fact is that sometimes people just don't want a relationship. That's okay though, I refuse to lose sleep over someone who doesn't have the courage to tell me what the problem is and how we can work through it. It's very difficult when children are involved because they're innocent. I have 2 teenage granddaughters I spent so much time with, babysitting weekends, doing crafts together and I miss them dearly. Time does help. The coronavirus has put a stop to family gatherings, but if that changes I will always be gracious. Taking the high road is the best choice I ever made. I hope I was able to help you a little.