Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
  1. Forum
  2. 35 & Over Community
  3. Why can't I just say NO?

Why can't I just say NO?

SCWlostintranslation December 3rd, 2020
.

My entire life I have been the steady, constant caregiver.. I raised my siblings, ran the house hold and effectively raised my father after his divorce(s). When family/friends fall ill I am the one who comes to the rescue.. money issues? Call Scw! Marriage issues? Call SCW! Need a hand to move? can't get to the store? your boss was ajerk and you just need to cry it out over a drink? Call SCW!!

I put myself through nursing school, raised 3 kids and I truely love my friends, family and co workers. I have a husband who I love and I am certain he thinks he loves me.. and maybe he does but he does not value me or care about me. I have zero space and zero time to be ME. I work all day, come home and clean/cook/clean, run errands for my family and others, whittle away at the mountain of work I've brought home and maybe sleep.

no one checks on me, no one asks if I need anything. I'm not allowed to be sick, tired or fed up.. its so exausting.

Yesterday, after feilding a half dozen calls to various family members to update on my uncles failing health and finalize travel plans to rush home (600 miles away) and help them help themselves I tried to explain to my husband and kids how tired and exausted I am, how all I want is a day to be invisible. They of course smiled and hugged me then asked what was for dinner..teenagers! But that can't be normal..not healthy to wish and hope and BEG for solitude, for there to be nothing and no one in my way..

I spend alot of my days dreaming of jumping in my car, flipping a coin and driving until the tank runs empty then just starting over. No husband, no kids, no friends or family to make demands or make me feel obligated.

Sorry for the length, I started to type and it kinda ran away from me. . can't even tell my own brain no lol

9
cheerfulLion6204 December 25th, 2020
.

@SCWlostintranslation 👍

tidyWriter8396 December 25th, 2020
.

@SCWlostintranslation

Offering you a hug. You are a giver. That's a beautiful thing. I hear you that sometimes it'd be nice to get a break. To be nurtured. I am sending you nurture.

7motivation December 3rd, 2020
.

@SCWlostintranslation

Perhaps you are playing the Rescuer per the Drama Triangle social interaction model (see video below).

One trick is to follow the Listener guidelines and let them solve their own problems, not be the Rescuer.

The Drama Triangle roles and problems they create are explained in the video below.

The video also explains alternative roles a person can play to help one from getting stuck...

http://nicertube.com/q80ns0

SCWlostintranslation OP December 3rd, 2020
.

@7motivation, thanks for the video.. that all read a bit above my head but I'll be doing some homework after I leave the office to find some sense in it. I know this whole situation only exisists because I allow it and the only way i will find any peace is if I stop it. thank you for the feed back.

pratanubanerjee December 25th, 2020
.

@7motivation wow this is a lovely post.. i appreciate your feedback ... merry christmas to you heart

InquireWithin December 7th, 2020
.

A wise friend once put it to me this way: "The word saint and the word street are both abbreviated St. If you are too much a saint, people will mistake you for a street, and walk all over you."

It's a very apt analogy. I am a people-pleaser, I will admit, and often put up with a lot of being taken for granted until I reach my limit and explode. I am *still* working on this, years after this wisdom was imparted to me by my friend. So, I get it. :)

Are there small ways you can carve out "me time" that no one but *no one* is allowed to override or cancel?

pratanubanerjee December 25th, 2020
.

@NoneTheWiser you have shared a wonderful feedback I love your thoughts all the best... wink

Vintagechoc December 25th, 2020
.

@SCWlostintranslation

Hi SCW. Your story reminds me of my mum. People like you are treasures.

Unfortunately, most people around us take more than they give. It's not because they're bad, not at all. But most people feed off the energy of people with a big heart like you. And without realizing it, you give, you give until you are exhausted.
One of the ways I've found to be very effective in communicating feelings (when you feel like you're not understood) is through writing.

Write a heartfelt letter to your husband and another to your children. Maybe they will realize what you are going through.
If you need to talk, we will be there for you.

*Support Forum Disclaimer
My communities
Community guidelines
Report an issue
Talk to an expert therapist
Welcome!  The first step in making a change in your life is doing exactly what...
Talk to Jennifer Now