Single and in your mid 30s…
Does anyone have stories to share or suggestions on how to stay driven and positive when you’ve suddenly become the last person in your friend group to be single?
Its like it snuck up on me but here I find myself the last single person in my friend group and I suddenly feel like such an outsider and so lost. I feel so lonely. My life exists just to wake up, work, go to sleep, rinse and repeat.
Its like once people become married they suddenly no longer have the same social interests they once had. That or they feel the need to only do married couple things together.
Im so lonely and lost these days as it’s like the “system”, right or wrong is forcing a lifestyle on me. Where once my friends were my support system and social system, it’s now gone and I have nothing.
I work from home too, so I can go days without leaving my apartment and interacting with someone in person, it’s just so depressing and I feel like I’ve lost any purpose and don’t even know how to have fun anymore.
Id love to hear stories from how others have dealt with this or from the perspectives of married folks. Just cause you’re married, does your social life suddenly become just you and your spouse? That’s basically what happened with my friends.
Any help or thoughts about how to push forward and find a new purpose would be appreciated.
@MikeCheck88
That's how it is. Some of us are left out and seemingly have no other purpose than to work while having to watch everyone else have fulfilling lives.
I'm tired of it by now. I wish i could just accept that this is how it's gonna be... but there is just no way anyone can accept such a life and not get insane from it.
I wish i could say something positive...
@MikeCheck88same
I would like to know as well!
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@MikeCheck88
In my own experience as someone who is married with a child, I have found that I socialize much less with people without children simply because my schedule has become so hectic that I don't really have time to do things that don't include my kid. If an old friend without kids hit me up and invited us to a family friendly event, I'd gladly show up. I had some friends that I used to meet up with at a bar and play chess with. Now I mostly don't have the time and/or energy for that. We all have kids now and met up for one night without the kids the other week for the first time in years. It took over a month to schedule and I had to plan on coming in to work the next day with less than 4 hours of sleep. As the last one in my friend group to have a kid, I realize I could've been much more supportive to my friends who had kids before me. I understood that they were busy and I didn't feel rejected when they couldn't hang out as much. But I didn't reach out in ways that really took their situations into consideration. I feel like something as simple as asking to tag along on errands or a kids playdate would go a long way in strengthening a friendship. It'd be a chance to catch up and talk about deeper things and show them that their time is valued by working with their schedule.
On a different note, I don't know if the friends you're mentioning have kids or not. If they do, I hope this is helpful
@PaulC1989
I’m sorry for butting in, but I, too, regretted not being supportive to those who had kids before I did. Now it’s too late. Everybody is too busy now lol.
@PaulC1989
Really appreciate the insight here. At the same time even in retrospect I think you deserve some applause for your perspective on this and regarding your friends. It’s very thoughtful. That being said I hear ya, frankly it blows my mind that kids truly make life that much busier but I guess it’s true and I just don’t comprehend the work that goes into it. Months sounds crazy to me to organize but as an outsider you have no reason to lie so I guess it’s just the unfortunate truth. My situation here is half and half. Some of my married friends have kids, some don’t. Furthermore I totally get the thing about kid friendly or not and just how much more difficult the logistics are when having to find a sitter for the kid. I’ve long since moved on and accepted that fact and am more than happy to do family friendly things and hang out with the kids too if it means being able to hang out with my buddies but even then many seem unwilling and that’s the part that I find frustrating when I feel I’m making every effort to help make it easier on them to plan. Regardless, I again appreciate the insight cause I think it may help alleviate some resentment I have for those that chose to have kids. Unfortunately it doesn’t solve me being sad/disappointed/lonely about the situation but hey I’ll take whatever positive perspective I can get and that’s a good thing. Thanks again for sharing!
@MikeCheck88
Hi Mike! And everyone else!
I've enjoyed reading all your comments. They felt relatable and comforting. It helps to know that people are learning to adapt to difficult situations, rise above certain unfortunate events (and find new meaning) and comfort each other. I like that you all are working to better yourselves and contacting friends to stay connected. I might not be in my 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, etc. But I can relate in some ways. I'm 22 but disabled, and I let that hold me back from love. Due to my conditions, I coped with people pleasing to extreme extents. I never did anything I wanted and never learned to ask what I wanted or advocate for myself.
Growing up in a strict Christian community and being gay, the people I chose to like weren't for me; they were for the approval of others since it wasn't my preferred gender. My lack of opinion and boundaries has closed me off from friends and potential girls I like in an act of self-preservation. It's made me bitter, resentful, and hateful for those who took advantage of the fact that I didn't speak up for myself. But that's not me anymore. I put my foot down and followed my path. I do things for me now, which means when events and people interfere with the boundaries I have to protect myself, I affirm those boundaries. I remind people of what I will not accept and show by example what I want. Now I'm confident I can be happy with friends and alone, and if it takes longer to find someone I like, that's fine. At least I know that the person I select will respect my values and boundaries (and in my mind, that's worth the wait).
I know this isn't all that similar to everyone else's experience, but I hope it helps!
