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eternallyworthless
11,648 M Pacing Forward 6
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts657 Forum posts74 Forum upvotes159 Current upvotes159 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceJune 3, 2023
Bio

Lonely - Dead Lonely 

All i ever wanted is to be loved / unloved for 30+ years and counting...

Drawing is what keeps me going - What helps me escape.
Movies and Books help me experience things i can never have in real life. Which sometimes helps but most of the time also just makes things worse.

All i do with my life is trying to find some form of escapism that works for me... but since my main problem is loneliness... nothing ever will.
No Book, Movie, Show, Game, Anime, Drawing, Sport, Activity or Experience could help me feel any less lonely and unloved. Even when i connect with people that share my hobbies... they leave as well.

That's why i consider myself worthless. Something no one wants or desires is by definition "of no worth or value". 









Recent forum posts
What does love feel like?
Self-Esteem / by eternallyworthless
Last post
 December 28th, 2023
...See more I'm not sure where else to ask this question. But i genuinely want to know what it feels like. I know i have been dreaming of it since i was a child. I have yet to experience it a single time in my 30+ years of being on this horrible planet. I want to know if its worth it. Is my imagination just wrong? Does love even exist? What does it feel like? If i imagine someone loving me it makes me happy. Sometimes i dream about it and it feels amazing.. that is until i wake up of course. I wish for it so much that i think my whole life evolves around it... I'm not sure if that is even normal anymore.
Does kindness and empathy even exist?
Depression Support / by eternallyworthless
Last post
 December 19th, 2023
...See more I don't know. I don't feel like it does. Is that depression making me unable to feel it? Is it my surroundings or where i live? Is it me? Am i an unlikable person in general? I don't feel like anyone cares. I feel empty all the time. I just want someone to talk to me and ask me about my days for once. I want someone to think about how i'm doing just once and try to get to know me. To take some time in their lives and do something for me like i do for others all the time... I never get anything back. No one ever cares.
How do i let go of the hate and fear?
Depression Support / by eternallyworthless
Last post
 December 23rd, 2023
...See more Everytime i start to trust someone or opening up they leave and hurt me in return. No exceptions so far. Whenever i think i can trust someone, become friends or maybe even more they end up leaving or even worse, don't want anything to do with me anymore. That obviously hurts me tremendously and i start to hate the person that rejected me in such a cruel way. After all i did nothing wrong besides trying to make a friend... I just don't know what it is that makes people dislike me so much all the time and it eats away at me. By now i'm scared to even try and i still can't forgive all the people that wronged me in the past.
alcohol is the only thing that helps me right now
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by eternallyworthless
Last post
 December 22nd, 2023
...See more I'm in so much emotional pain i don't know how to help myself anymore. I'm taking antidepressants and i'm trying to find a therapist i can talk to but it's getting so hard for me to not just drink every day so i can at least ease the pain a little bit. The stress i have to endure is just too much for me right now... I don't want to repeat myself over and over so i won't go into detail... but is there anything i can do?
i'm too old for this
Self-Harm Recovery / by eternallyworthless
Last post
 September 18th, 2023
...See more but i can't take the emotional pain anymore right now... i need something... something that makes me feel... i don't want to.. but i have nothing... i probably won't do ***... but the thought is there. what do i do?
Loneliness is impacting my work
Work & Career / by eternallyworthless
Last post
 September 18th, 2023
...See more I don't know how many times i'm gonna create the same topic or talk about it with a listener. It doesn't help. Nothing seems to help but i need to at least vent for now. I feel a crushing loneliness every single day. I have been diagnosed with depression and i'm nearly at the max dose of my antidepressants. They keep me somewhat sane during the day so i can get my work done which i truly love and enjoy. I felt a bit better when i started working there since i also really enjoy being with my coworkers and it made me forget about this horrible feeling for a while... at least until i'm home and it all begins anew. In all my lifetime i haven't been loved one single time and it pains me to even see a picture of a couple by now. Sadly when a new coworker joined a year ago as the time went by i fell for her and of course in the end i got rejected. It was to be expected. I don't even know why i felt surprised by this... i just got my hopes up since we talked a lot and have many things in common. i'm still being eaten up by guilt and the pain of rejection. Now i also feel lonely and worthless when i'm at work. Basically i'm no longer at peace anywhere. I feel like *** all the time. I try my best to keep concentrated but i can't stand this much longer. I'm afraid to make mistakes. I'm afraid of what happens if i have to endure another year of this. I'm stressed. I'm lonely and i'm scared to go to sleep since in my dreams i'm haunted by nightmares of having a loving relationship only to wake up and feel crushed yet again. Everything is constant stress and i don't want this to impact my work space. So far i haven't made any mistakes but it's only a matter of time now... I hope someone takes the time to answer... i don't know what to do anymore.
Loneliness is making me go insane
Depression Support / by eternallyworthless
Last post
 August 29th, 2023
...See more Well i'm not sure what the point of this will be... since i have posted things like this so many times or told it to so many people and never did anything come from it... I kinda feel like i wanna tell it to someone but i don't know who. So why not just write it down for myself. In the end that's what it comes down to anyway. I don't even wanna act like i have the worst life. Objectively i should be happy but there is just so much missing in my life that i can no longer see the point of any of it. Each day i start the day with hope that something might happen, that if i just do this and that it might just finally bring some change but it always just stays the same. Alone in the same room i have always been. Listening to the same music i always do. Talking to the same people that don't understand me at all because they have something in life to give them purpose. I just cannot do this much longer. I seriously feel my sanity being drained by this disgusting loneliness i have to endure each and every single day of my life. If i read in the newspaper that someone has been murdered and they left a grieving family i don't feel pity... i envy that person for having had a family. That's how 'insane' i have become. I'd trade my life just to know what love feels like even if it's just for a single day. I'm desperate and it's impossible for me to hide it anymore. After +30 years of not receiving the slightest bit of romantic love i do not understand 'normal' peoples problems anymore... I cannot keep this act up much longer and there is just nothing that i can do. I cannot pay anyone to love me. I may be able to pay for a hug but even that is not available in the sh*thole i live in. There's just no escape. I have to fight so hard each day to keep myself busy so i don't have to constantly think about all of the things wrong with my life but it's getting harder and harder. I tried all the self help. Watched all the videos. Read all the books. What good does it do? What's the point if i like myself but no one else ever does? All i want it just one person i can just cuddle in front of the TV and talk. That's such a trivial thing that i seemingly just cannot have. How much money do i have to pay to have that? How much therapy is needed to get this single basic human need of affection? How many more years of constant rejection and loneliness do i have to endure before i finally get something positive in my life? I don't want to do any more self improvement. I don't want to just love myself anymore. I don't want to search for a trillion hobbies to keep me busy... i want company. I want affection. I want to be needed by someone. I don't want to take antidepressants anymore. It doesn't help. Nothing helps against loneliness. I'm sorry if this sounds like i'm just wallowing in self pity. I'm sorry if the person reading this had it worse... but pain is subjective. I don't wish anything bad on anyone. If i could make it happen we'd all live in a dream world... but subjectively for me... my life is the worst imaginable thing. i hate it. i hate everything about it. i feel bad for complaining... but that's all i can do. i can only write down these words that will do nothing.
My useless life
Journals & Diaries / by eternallyworthless
Last post
 December 12th, 2023
...See more Well i'm not sure what the point of this will be... since i have posted things like this so many times or told it to so many people and never did anything come from it... I kinda feel like i wanna tell it to someone but i don't know who. So why not just write it down for myself. In the end that's what it comes down to anyway. I don't even wanna act like i have the worst life. Objectively i should be happy but there is just so much missing in my life that i can no longer see the point of any of it. Each day i start the day with hope that something might happen, that if i just do this and that it might just finally bring some change but it always just stays the same. Alone in the same room i have always been. Listening to the same music i always do. Talking to the same people that don't understand me at all because they have something in life to give them purpose. I just cannot do this much longer. I seriously feel my sanity being drained by this disgusting loneliness i have to endure each and every single day of my life. If i read in the newspaper that someone has been murdered and they left a grieving family i don't feel pity... i envy that person for having had a family. That's how 'insane' i have become. I'd trade my life just to know what love feels like even if it's just for a single day. I'm desperate and it's impossible for me to hide it anymore. After +30 years of not receiving the slightest bit of romantic love i do not understand 'normal' peoples problems anymore... I cannot keep this act up much longer and there is just nothing that i can do. I cannot pay anyone to love me. I may be able to pay for a hug but even that is not available in the *** i live in. There's just no escape. I have to fight so hard each day to keep myself busy so i don't have to constantly think about all of the things wrong with my life but it's getting harder and harder. I tried all the self help. Watched all the videos. Read all the books. What good does it do? What's the point if i like myself but no one else ever does? All i want it just one person i can just cuddle in front of the TV and talk. That's such a trivial thing that i seemingly just cannot have. How much money do i have to pay to have that? How much therapy is needed to get this single basic human need of affection? How many more years of constant rejection and loneliness do i have to endure before i finally get something positive in my life? I don't want to do any more self improvement. I don't want to just love myself anymore. I don't want to search for a trillion hobbies to keep me busy... i want company. I want affection. I want to be needed by someone. I don't want to take antidepressants anymore. It doesn't help. Nothing helps against loneliness. I'm sorry if this sounds like i'm just wallowing in self pity. I'm sorry if the person reading this had it worse... but pain is subjective. I don't wish anything bad on anyone. If i could make it happen we'd all live in a dream world... but subjectively for me... my life is the worst imaginable thing. i hate it. i hate everything about it. i feel bad for complaining... but that's all i can do. i can only write down these words that will do nothing. maybe i'll do so more often... maybe not... i don't think anyone will even read or answer.. i'm probably even bad a complaining.
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