Single and in your mid 30s…

@MikeCheck88

IMO i think many couples especially newly married feel they must socialize as a team or just do things together ........ this sometimes end friendships with their single friend.......

I think it is what they think is supposed to happen ....... it sucks to be odd man out and i can imagine you might be hesitant to wonder how long until the next batch pairs off and leaves ........

there is no one answer

some may say meet as many people as possible ... or the people who say do not look and let fate bring people into your life.......

or talk with your married friends and see if it is just an oversight....

Thank you so much for your response and insight. I guess that make sense and I can see that as a reason.

Its just been so difficult cause right or wrong I made my friends my support system and at my own fault it kind of caught me by suprise how absent my life could be in such a quick fashion.

Trust me when I say, being in a relationship does not always mean you're not lonely. I totally understand what it feels like to be the single friend. I guess the grass is always greener. I'm right now looking at how simple and happy I was with myself when I was single

Well let me first say I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties your going through but I think you make a very valuable point that very often there is a “grass is greener on the other side mentality”.

That being said sometimes that grass is greener mentality may be the only glean of hope one has so maybe it’s a good thing? I like to be a realist of course but sometimes I think that’s the root of my anguish at times.

I think what hurts me most is how quick this snuck up on me. Of course I expect my friends to have their own lives and families but I figured they’d still be who they were after knowing them for 30+ years and they’d still want to socialize afterwards. I love all their spouses, we all get along…I just don’t get it.

I think what adds to my problem is I leaned maybe too much on my friends as a support system as I only have a mother and father with no extended family and am not close with them at all. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll grow to regret that as they and I get older…

Regardless thanks for hearing my words and commented and I wish you all the best on your own journey.

Maybe you're right about having hope if the grass is greener. I never saw it that way. I guess when we hit a certain point the responsibilities and the family totally wipe us out. like i cant even thing about going out after work sometimes because home life and work like can totally drain my battery.

I think as someone with a husband and a step daughter, my calendar is so full but that in its self is isolating because my friends were what grounded me and i barely see them as much and i also feel like i lost that consitent support system. Maybe they feel that way towards me too.

I made a good group of friends when i started taking up hobbies that put me in a group setting so maybe consider something like that? its important to feel like you have people and I hope you find that for yourself❤️

@zeetee17

I want to just say thank you so much for the thoughtful replies especially being someone coming from the other side of the picture.

While it doesn’t help the issues at hand per se there is some comfort in understanding that their lives are most likely just becoming busier and of course (even though it’s to my disadvantage) family will almost always come first for most people. It hurts, but the logical reasoning/understanding at least helps me cope a little better vs they just don’t like me any more or have forgotten about me.

But I’ll still admit, even with being single, managing a whole house by myself, work obviously, of course I’m best many days in my own way too but I think like you mention (and of course I’m biased I guess) but friends fill a need that family doesn’t and I still would think it’s critical to happiness in life.

I’ve just never understood those types of people with the family ideal of its “us vs the world” and they pretty much only socialize inward and at a certain point and give up on the outside world. That being said, I’ll admit whatever makes you happy is something I can’t argue. My viewpoint is likely further skewed by the fact that I have a very small family and one I was never close with so I’m sure that adds to my viewpoint.

Ive heard from many older married couples though that a lot of it can be a honeymoon stage of sorts and eventually parents will look for release with their friends down the road and I guess while I try to adjust my own life and look for other forms of support all I can do is hope they will eventually do the same.

Sometimes the grass is greener because of what it's fertilized with

@MikeCheck88

It sounds like it could be the feelings of rejection are what you are experiencing. We all know couples will talk about their friends, make snide comments, or talk negatively about them when they are alone with their new loved one. This reality and thought pattern is totally normal. Not to say it is easy to accept from any angle, though.

Losing friends is never easy, but maybe if you're willing to wait it out and see them less frequently over the short term, the long term will mean they return to you once they have established routines with their partners.

Thank you for sharing your kind-of estranged relationship with your parents. I recently just chose to estrange my parents on the count of my father's and mother's actions and my unwillingness to moderate his behaviour or care for their health. He was a very rude, aggressive, and obstinate fellow. I did not care for his narcissism and lack of caring for others. I am also nervous and very sad sometimes to be so alone - also without siblings I speak to more than once a year - but my belief that this IS the right decision and my willingness to press myself to take action was in and of itself a confirmation I should try life without him/them in it.

It is brave. Stick to your plan and wait for your confidence to return.

Thank you for your insightful words. Yes I’d say that’s spot on part of the dynamic, I 100% feel rejected and like the outsider now. I’m sure people will question the quality of said friends but I feel often I’m seen at the weirdo due to the life I’ve chose to live and how I haven’t settled down like them. While I have a relatively successful career, I can’t related on anything else regarding family, in laws, children, suburban life (all have bought houses in suburbia while I’ve chosen to stay in a high rise condo downtown). It’s just like over such a short period they’ve become polar opposites in a lot of ways.

As for your narcissistic father, this one I can relate too so much. It’s like a love hate relationship. For me the highs are high with him but the lows are so low and irreversible that I chose while I may be lonelier that I’d be healthier in the long run. The jury is still out on that decision but guess we’ll see.

im really hoping to work on my confidence and my farther is definitely one of those people who broke it down throughout my life instead of having built it up.

@MikeCheck88

I had the same dilemma. I felt disconnected, stuck, and alone. I tried to reach out to them saying that I felt left out. They are busy with their family yes, but after talking to them, we reconnected, have coffee once in a while not as often as before and sometimes, they bring their husbands. I learned to embrace being the third wheel, hang out with the girls and great way to know their significant others.

I also met a friend; she’s happily married. Though the difference is that she’s on her 50’s, she got all the time in the world.

This is what she said

You should try to talk to your friends about it.
Go out for a jog or run.
Travel alone once in a while.
Meet new people.
Enjoy life you are still single.
Do things you love to do.

Sometimes I still have this question that why I’m still single, why I haven’t had a boyfriend, why no one likes me.

I still feel lonely and maybe I envy them for having a family they can call their own.

When loneliness, anxiety kicks in I can’t call them I made myself busy. I read, cook, bake or exercise until I’m tired.

Anyways, I hope you meet people and find another support group.

Thank you for the reply and well wishes as well as the insight. You bring up a good point that they definitely now have different day to day experiences then when single so it makes sense they may feel more comfortable talking to others in similar situations. But at the same time, while people change a bit, these are still long time friends. I mean do your existing passions and interests just go out the window once you have a family? Seems pretty sad in its own right if that’s the case. I would expect you may have less time to peruse those interests but still it feels like for them it’s just dropped like a lead weight.

Thabks again for the well wishes!

I'm also in my mid-30s and still single, while all the other same-aged people I once went to grade school with are all married, with at least 2 kids now. I had this one friend, I have known her since Grade 6, she got married in her late 20s, and our friendship broke-off. I think in her case though, it was her hubby's problem. He's very controlling, and doesn't like her meeting her own friends.

I do notice with the other married couples though, that they do tend to hang out with fellow couples only. Amongst my colleagues, who already have children that are my age, it is then, when they tend to hang more around friends that are still single, or having each husband/wife meet their own friends separately.

I think married couples enjoy the company of other married couples because they'll have common interests, and can share their stories/experiences. It'll be nice though if they don't cut-off single friends like us.

I haven't had a friend since my late 20s, although I don't exactly enjoy it, but I try to be comfortable with the state I'm in. Changing the focus to my work. I live with my parents and older brother, but even living under the same roof, I don't feel as close to them as I wish I was.

Sorry, I guess I'm not of much help with this response.

@MikeCheck88

Not at all, that was helpful actually! I appreciate your input and being able to relate is comforting to me as well.

Im used to being a third wheel and frankly it never bothered me…it’s more I just want to at least keep being the third wheel vs the no wheel lol.

I think it’s interesting though that I’m quickly learning that you can feel alone even around the wrong kind of people. See I live alone too so to me my friends are my lifeblood to socializing. Otherwise there’s no one to talk to in person while home and frankly it gets to me after a while which can be seen when I originally made this post.

I mean just a few days ago I felt so devastated and as if I could go missing and no one would notice for a week which frankly just hurt and can give me massive anxiety. I mean honestly it might be a little true sadly enough. That or me work would ironically be the first to notice over friends and family. 😕

I know that devastation feeling of no one would've noticed if you've gone missing. This had been my fear ever since I last dated. Fear that it was my first and last relationship. Ever since I turned 27, that fear grows as each year passes, and I'm still single. I had been feeling quite depressed for 2 weeks before and 2 weeks after my birthday each year. It's now a ongoing cycle of fear around my birthday month. Sometimes, I can't even enjoy the my time on the actual date itself.

@Jaeteuk

Yeah I hear ya. I’m sure you’ll find someone, and as will I. It’s weird it’s not that I don’t think I’ll end up alone it’s more that I just can’t handle my current situation well and don’t like what’s happening to my social life when I just wish it could carry on (as unrealistic as that is). I too feel you on the birthday thing. Every birthday is becoming a legit half life crisis but just every year and it’s unfortunate.

@MikeCheck88

You are not alone. You don't want to force a relationship and then find yourself feeling alone and sad because you're "companion" doesn't actually provide you with any kind of companionship.

@hardworkingStrings2265

I appreciate the kind words and agree with quality vs something that can be a negative add vs a positive add. Unfortunately I feel a lot of people do this even those that don’t realize they do or have zero mental health issues. Some people have such a fear of being alone or simple can’t exist without someone else. *** I knew people like this in middle school and high school that ALWAYS had to be in a relationship. I was always a very independent person and enjoyed my alone time and ability to do what I want when I want…but that really only works when you have others to do stuff with. Seems as people get older their worlds shrink and they choose to follow live in their own little family world.

@MikeCheck88

I'm quite independent and I always have been. As I get oder I appreciate that quality in myself a lot more and I realize how necessary it is to have that independence. It defeats the purpose if you NEED to have that time spent with other people. For me your "world" should become bigger because you should realize that there are so many other people that can relate to you and how you feel.

@hardworkingStrings2265

Thank you for those words, it's always comforting to know when others can relate.

If it makes you feel better, when their spouse and kids will leave them, they will deeply regret not having making time for you and their friendships.

Friends are essentials support system in our life but the vast majority of people aren't aware of this until it is too late (retirement / decease).

I lost all my friendships that way (once they coupled), so I decided not to commit anymore to that type of person (who do not make efforts to look after their friends) and to get involved in local organisations, hobbies and personal projets. There is SO MUCH amazing things to do in life! Time to discover them! 😊😁

@Polahn

Can’t thank you enough for those positive words and that mindset. I think like anything a healthy combination is the answer. But yeah I think I need to accept some friends and changed as people do and look for alternatives. Ironically I went on a road trip with one of “those” friends last weekend and they straight up said they are realizing the importance of still getting together with friends and what they bring to the table so it was promising to hear. It was also good to have a heart to heart with them and see what their view was.

I'm happy to hear this. It looks like that friend really enjoys your company. Things don't look that gloomy afterall. Maybe you can ask for the perspectives of your other married friends, see what they think about keeping the friendships going, even when you're single.

Maybe for newlyweds, they might begin with just doing things with other married couples, but I believe that there is a difference between other married couples and with a friend who is single. So, maybe they will eventually realize that the friendship you had with them is just as important. So, if you aren't able to grasp their perspectives, or if they've stopped contacting you altogether. Maybe give it some time for them to figure out that couples don't "need" to spend their time with other couples only.

@MikeCheck88

@Jaeteuk

Thanks for the quick response and further suggestions. I too think that a lot of it is fresh newlyweds and while things won’t ever go back to normal per se I expect as I’ve seen in longer married couples that they eventually come around and realize they need balance in their life. I’m not saying this is all, but definitely some have a honeymoon stage and then normalize again and try to find more balance. As I mentioned elsewhere it’s just a triple whammy right now and the timing of everything. Had my friends all got married and had kids earlier, it would have probably still been bad but I would have been less bothered vs it happening now. Like many things, it’s about perspective I guess.

It's difficult to handle all the changes happening consecutively. With the possibilities of losing stable friendships, having mental health issues, and finding your work less and less rewarding. It is very draining, and feels like nothing is going on as you have hoped.

I, too, am struggling with losing passion for my career. Each shift I need to work, I'm feeling less and less willing to go to work. There is only some people I work with make me feel good about my work, but colleagues that I directly work with, gives me a different feeling (which is the part that is making me lose my passion). It is unfortunate and sad, I do like the type of work I do, and its purpose. But it's the colleagues that are making me feel like I'm actually doing "work" and not appreciated of my work.

Here's to hoping it is just a phase that will pass.

@MikeCheck88

Sorry I originally missed this message. What your said sounds as if I could have said it myself. I can relate so much to it and yes it just feels like nothing is going as planned. I’m hoping to make a career change but I’m sure as you know, dealing with mental health issues makes any task much harder.

@MikeCheck88

Hi Mike,

Sorry to hear of the challenges you sometimes find difficult to cope with but I find it so courageous that you are looking for ways to deal with it despite feeling the hurt n loneliness rather than becoming bitter n giving up. Thumbs up to your positive approach 👍.

I was married once, single again, late 30s, living alone n in kind of same situation as you. I have seen both the sides (being part of couples world n single n disconnected one among them). Ofcourse we all have our individual journeys n struggles but then there are some common chains like anxiety, loneliness, depression etc. I have friends though not the kind who can be called 'family', have family but not the type I can't live without (don't really get along). Till some time back I used to feel like 'stop the world I wanna get off'. With time I realised I am my friend, I am my family. I found my hardships have become little easier to bear now

Speaking from practical point, if old ones can't be there for whatever reasons, find new ones. Travelling, getting out of my comfort zone n being ready to face my vulnerability is what helped me. Meeting so many wonderful people along the way who were going through their own *** made me feel like I was not alone. It still becomes too much sometimes but maybe this phase of life is meant for cherishing (not pining) the beautiful connections we once had and allowing ourselves to atleast try to make new connections. World is indeed full of wonderful people. Many wonderful friends we are yet to meet.

Lastly I just wanna ask you can I give you a hug...

Cheers, hope you have a good today!

@avna01hi

Frankly you made me tear up a bit, that was beautifully said and thank you for sharing your story and indeed letting me know I’m not alone and others have traveled a similar path. You are right, I’m trying to stay positive and inquisitive more than bitter. I’m genuinely happy for those that are building their life and understand changes are happening but of course I am saddened that it appears I may not be part of that future or at least in a MUCH smaller capacity. It’s just been a triple whammy of having mental health issues that were frankly a long time coming due to my own habits, the age I’m currently at where many go through big life changes (marriage and kids) and then finding myself in a job I no longer feel rewarding or fulfulling and causes me significant stress. It’s just been a lot and it’s come to a tipping point.

Hey new friend 😊

It made me smile to see you writing 'I am genuinely happy' and 'I am saddened' in the same sentence. Keeping it balanced 😋.

On a serious note, finding the capacity to feel happy for others (even if one himself is missing out on the same) is an admirable quality. Even just by 2% but if the positivity is greater than the bitterness, I think it's the right direction.

Hey you talk about age!! (Is 35 the new 55?)

It will give stress to those older, more unaccomplished than you 😂

About the job, I swear you are the third engineer I have known about this year who had a burn out n had to take some important measures. The real reason (atleast for one of them) was lack of any meaningful relationship (friends/family/ dependability) n lack of a social life. Your boat also looks kinda similar.

I wish your tipping point to get slightly farther away from now.

Hugs n cheers!

@avna01hi

Thank you so much for those kind words. Interesting about the engineer comment, I recently found a group at work with other engineers talking about burnout and such and how so many especially those working from home are feeling it. As I've had time to think since the original post I'm realizing as nice as working from home may seem on paper, I think it brings many downsides as well especially if your situation is like mine where socializing at work was such a positive thing. Really hoping to make a job change soon to address this but need to get into a better state of mine first I think...but not sure if its possible without a job change amongst other things.

Hi Mike,

Just checking in to see how you are coping with your challenges.

Speaking about socializing at work, it seem like such a pre-covid era blessing which we didn't realise then and it's absence is a major contributor towards our lonely and depressed generation now. Infact it is taking me further down the memory lane, feeling the nostalgia of a 90s kid 😂. Weren't 90s the best of times!! Don't all generations feel their time was the best!! 😋

Hope your days are going better than before.

Cheers!

@avna01hi

Hey, sorry I didn't notice this until now. Thanks for checking in, that's so kind of you!

Yeah it really is true you don't know what you have until it's gone. I really do miss pre-covid times. My job is no where near what it was like prior to the lockdown and I miss it tons. While I think there are other things I need to address in my life, truth is currently work was a huge social factor for me and I needed it. Hoping I can find a new job with a more team focused atmosphere, etc.

Truth, the 90s were pretty sweet! haha

I'm doing better but still haven't made any major changes yet but hoping what I am doing is helping me build up to make those said changes sooner rather than later.

Hope you are well!

Hi Mike,

Thank you I am well. I am at a stage where my challenges don't bother me, rather see them as self growth opportunity. I enjoy occasional get togethers but equally enjoy my solitude (even sitting in the crowd with a cup of tea watching the world go by).

Good to know you are feeling better. Sometimes things don't change, we just learn to accept and live with it and eventually it stops having any power on us. That's the first step towards healing I guess. But sure some positive changes are always helpful. Would love to know about your goals (other than job change) if you feel like sharing them.

Also, you might be missing your long time friends in life but looking at this thread it seems you have found the care and support of some kind, wonderful people here. Its so nice to see this positivity.

Cheers to you and your new friends here!! Best wishes

Thank you for your reply and apologies about my long delay in responded. I’m glad you asked about my goals cause it’s actually forcing me to sit down right now and think about it…

I think a major problem I struggle with is I feel many of these goals are “on hold” due to my mindset about my job. My goals are to move out of my home state and go somewhere with seasons and cooler weather, buy a condo instead of renting, find a special someone to explore the world with, just in general settle down and find some peace instead of feeling like I’m in a constant state of flux.

But that’s the issue, I feel a job dictates so much of those goals, ie I don’t want to meet someone here and then have to move and either leave them or expect them to follow me. Same with buying, why would I buy something if I know I’m not long for the area?

Its ironic because I feel those changes will help me…but I won’t make any until I make the job change…and thus I find myself stuck month after month after month and then I get down on myself realizing I’ve put my life on pause in a sense cause I wasn’t able to push myself to get a new job.

@MikeCheck88

Yes! Work life stress and feeling less passionate about career directions. This is everything I needed to hear from others. Thank you. This is normal for us in our lives (30's/yo for me). Very reassuring that I can and will feel these emotions.

Thank you for your comment and helping me feel not alone in feeling this way. I’m not sure if it’s a generational thing or not but I’ve noticed many in their 30s having these forms of “existential crisis” or questioning about what really motivates them, drives them, and gives them purpose.

Hi !! I just want to let you know that you are not alone. It sucks to be alone, be craving for the company of friends, to send texts that are answered days later.. and to feel that others have moved on. I am divorced, in my late thirties ..have a promising career .. but feel lonely. I hate coming back to an empty apartment. My anxiety and depression don't make things any better 😔 A few things that help me to cope with this loneliness ... I try to do things that I like... Reading 📚, netflix, for me going outside helps.. even if I don't recognize any of the other strangers on the street that I come across, I still feel better after taking a walk outside. I'm trying to join meetup groups .. will let you know how that turns out 😃 For me days off from work are the worst .. and I try to schedule something on those days .. even if it is going going to a restaurant for lunch alone .. or getting a manicure or watching a movie. I would also suggest consider volunteering for something that you believe in. You will find a new group of likeminded people to hang out with. Not sure if I was of much help, but your post resonated with me as I am in a similar place.

@turqoiseOrange7980

Thank you so much for the reply! Wow, it's like everything you wrote could have been words of my own. I can relate on SO many levels with what you said from the texts to the empty apartment, etc. Thank you for sharing the things that help you, I really appreciate that and try to incorporate them into my own life. I'm open to anything that may help improve it. I've never been so much of a fan of doing things alone but I'm starting to think instead of treating things as black and white I need to weigh the pros and cons and if the pros outweigh the cons, its worth doing. I'm very curious to hear about your Meetup adventures! I signed up for several groups 6 months ago but never pulled the trigger and went to any...I really need to push myself to do so. I agree with the volunteering as well, I have a few ideas and have been considering for months as well...yet nothing. Sometimes it's so hard to dig yourself out of a rut and to not just sit and sulk in your own pity which I'll be totally honest I am doing...thanks again for commenting. Means a lot to me.

@MikeCheck88

It's as if single people are dropped as soon as "something better" comes along. :(

I'm in the same boat and have found that taking myself out for dates/adventures, self care, connecting with my family, etc has really helped.

@neatBlueberry5213

I really does seem that way doesn't it! 😞 I've have a very small family and have stayed distant cause of a less than healthy relationship I have with my father. That being said I'm trying to reach out as it's kind of all I got and am hoping the positives may outweigh the negatives. Thank you for your comments!

Hello Mike,

Just checking in on how you're doing. I was looking back on your previous replies, I couldn't seem to find if you've mentioned what kind of work you do? Only mentioned you've been working remotely at home. I remember seeing the word engineering somewhere. Are you a Civil Engineer by any chance?

Of you are, I'm not sure if 7 Cups will allow me to recommend a job at my brother's company or does that cross the regulations?

Anyways, hope you've been hanging in there. Have a good day/afternoon/evening!~