It' a little embarrassing, but, in a year and a half I will be an irl 40 year old virgin. lol
Hi all,
Due to my past abuse, anxiety, depression, ect... I've yet to have a romantic or sexual relationship. I've never even been on a date, held anyone's hand, or kissed anyone. I'm not a bad looking guy and I've had several people interested in me, but, my past trauma and mental issues have kept me from seeking or accepting romantic relationships. I'm not trying to throw a pity party or complain, and, I'm not particularly sad about it, nor am I seeking advice. I'm just curious; is there anyone else out there that has avoided, rejected, or found it too difficult to seek romantic relationships? I would be interested in discussing this topic with others who are in the same boat as me.
@Magnus333 So sorry your struggling right now.
So very sorry that you was Trigger Warning: abused.
I would suggest that you reach out to a therapist, to talk about this and to get coping skills and to talk about your feelings.
If you do not know of any or cannot find any in your area, please try the therapists here at 7cups.
Here is the link to help you find a therapist here at 7cups: https://www.7Cups.com/online-therapy/?Ob=1
I hope this helps.
Side Note: Just wanted to point this out, that the therapy costs 150 USD Per month, just so you know this ahead of time.
If cost is a problem for you or you do not have health coverage, then maybe try to find a therapist who will do it for free or at a reduced rate.
Some therapist, will have a sliding scale and some will not charge a fee, it is just up to the individual therapists, so please ask, when you call or message one.
@Magnus333
This is something that I still struggle with. To me, it can be very hard being the "odd man out" but at the same time it doesn't necessarily bother me. Trust, self-esteem and body image issues have made it really hard for me to get into a real relationship. I find that I get too close too quick, and I fear abandonment so that causes another layer of difficulty. I am okay with being where I am, but I am working on loving myself more. Not so I can find love with someone else, but that I can have that relationship with myself.
I got messed with as a kid. It messed me up in many ways. I was sexually active at 12. Waaaaay too young. I never took a break. While I did play the field a bit as a teenager my last 3 relationships were between 8 and 10 years long. The psychological impact Of being molested has ruined each of my relationships in a different way, at 25 years of age I came forward with a friend and locked the perp up in prison. That came with it's own trauma but part of me was free to live a healthier life with that closure. As far as the sex thing goes I would say it's not a big deal if you're comfortable with it. I'm 44 now and I've slept with many women. The regrets outnumber the good times. I got 2 great kids out of the deal but if I could do it all over again I'd have sorted out my abuse issues as a kid and held off for the right person.
Hi @Magnus333,
I don't think there's anything to be embarrassed about for being a virgin at any age. It's a life choice. And I personally think it would be better if everyone has a mindset for only giving their virginity to a person they really want to spend and can picture forever with. But apart from my personal view, I still respect everyone's choice in their private matter.
I'm in the same boat as you. I went through things that pretty much shaped my perspective about relationships, and I had never seen a relationship as something I desired, wanted, or tried to seek. Despite what people around me say, I always have my own unaffected view about it.
I had never seen a relationship as something I wanted. Maybe I even pretty much avoided it. Not that I entirely don't want it. Sometimes I did have some thoughts about it. But I never tried to actually do something to make it happen. I'm not so sure why. Maybe partly because I just don't really associate it with happiness as most people do. And mostly, I just never met someone I really want to get very close to. I cannot want to be close to someone unless I feel some sort of emotional connection. But perhaps, for the connection to happen, we got to get closer to someone. So I guess, the avoidance is kind of.. our comfort zones?
I supposed people usually see my state of being single as something that is less than happiness. I don't know if you've experienced that too. But I think people tend to see that someone isn't really happy if they're alone. So people tend to either try to console me for being single or encourage me to find someone.
Because they tend to think that people would be happier if they had a couple. I don't have an opposite view of what they think. But for me, it's not just about being with someone. It's about being with someone with whom I have mutual care, respect, understanding, and other important qualities that would allow us to build a healthy, happy, and lasting relationship.
I think our past kinda taught us that happiness doesn't automatically happen when we're close to someone. That we should think very carefully in making decisions, especially when there are other people involved. Because if we're rushing things, we may not be the only person suffering from the negative things that can happen. And we also don't want to repeat unpleasant things we have seen or experienced.
And we processed it in such a way that makes us think it requires effort from both sides to make a relationship work healthily and happily in the long run. Cause like you said, having a trusting emotional relationship is important for you. The same thing goes for me. But maybe, our past makes it hard for us to believe that someone is going to put the same effort for us as we would for them.
That they're going to respect, care, and understand us the same way we would to them. And the second we see a red flag, our mind would automatically project a potential issue that would happen in the future because of it. And the fact that we have yet to experience what a loving relationship feels like makes it even more difficult to picture something good that can happen.
Because that past and trauma is the only reference we have. So I guess it's kinda complicated. Not that we intend to make it complicated. But hey, what do we do with all these things that we have in mind? We also never ask to have a traumatic past. We try to break free from it, but the fortress around us has become too robust.
I've also had more than a few people interested in me from both genders all my life. But I was never interested in responding to them or getting closer to them. I looked at your profile, and I don't know if that's an issue for you, but for me, the gender I'm interested in might be one of the reasons I've barely ever been in a relationship.
Because the gender who's naturally attracted to me, I don't see them that way. While the gender I'm attracted to, well... it's somewhat complicated here. So I had never really explored what I feel about someone. I supposed most of it never passed a mere attraction because the emotional bond never really formed. Not that it's an issue. Cause I don't see the state of being alone as something that hinders me from feeling content with my life. But I suppose lack of experience in building an emotional bond with someone, plus the baggage from the past, makes it very difficult for me when I want to let someone in.
I've read your response to others in this thread, and I think we have similar views and attitudes about this matter, and if you want, I would like to have further discussion about this. It's very rare to find someone who is in the same boat in this matter. It seems to me that many people tend to try to make me feel better for me being single because of their perception of being single, while that's not actually an issue for me. And from what you said, I get a similar impression. I appreciate other people's kind words and support. But actually, when talking about this, I just want to have an open-minded discussion about this.
Btw, I'm just curious, what triggered you to want to discuss this? Has there been someone you want to get close to but find it difficult to allow yourself to let it happen? Or is this merely a curiosity?
@Litepanda
Are you my long lost twin? lol. I'd love to reply with a long and detailed post, but, the truth is you pretty much nailed my experiences and viewpoint. There's nothing really more I can add.
To answer your questions,
The reason I created this post was because I was looking for comfort and validation. I feel like I have a sign on my forehead announcing to the world that I'm pathetic due to the fact that I've never been in a romantic or sexual relationship. Like you, I feel as if average people view my situation as sad or that my life is incomplete or unfulfilled because I don't have or am not seeking a partner.
One of my sisters, who is also single but who's dream is to have a loving husband, said to me recently that she wants to see me happy and she hopes we both find a partner one day so we can both be happy. I'm paraphrasing but that's what she actually said. Finding fulfillment, completion, and happiness in a partner is perfectly acceptable if that's how you're wired, but, that's not who I am. My dream in life has never been to have a partner or family. If someone asked me to make a list of qualities in my dream partner I wouldn't even know how to start. I cherish my alone time and just the thought of another person always being around and wanting attention is a horrible thought. I guess the first trait of my dream partner would be he would have to leave me alone. lol. But, like you said, maybe that would be different if I actually experienced what it would be like to be with someone in a mutually loving relationship.
Is there anyone in my life that I want to get close to but find it difficult to allow myself to let it happen? No. Not romantically or sexually anyway. I would love to have a best friend. It's been a very long time since I had a best friend. But, to the point, I'm not attracted to anyone at the moment. I am curious to feel and experience what a romantic and sexual relationship would be like. Considering the vast majority of the population is constantly seeking a partner, even those who have been repeatedly burned by the experience of having a partner, I imagine it must be an incredible feeling. I'm weary of it though. I've had plenty of time to observe the people around me both dating and being in relationships, and, either the people around me are incredibly dysfunctional or relationships (and people in general) are a real pain in the ass.
I mean, I know for a fact the my family is dysfunctional, but, everybody else? Arguments and games and drama and heartbreak and tears. Jesus Christ, why bother? Are the good moments really that good or is it that the loneliness is really that bad? Maybe it's both for them. I don't know. When I imagine myself in a relationship like theirs I'd rather be alone forever. I once heard a quote concerning relationships that I will never forget. I quote, "You can either be alone or annoyed." Good god almighty lord in heaven I would rather be alone.
It is as if both partners are responsible for the emotional well-being of the other partner, and the smallest friction or miscommunication or hurt feeling turns into this giant problem. Like, why can't I be happy and fulfilled on my own, and if I want, find another man who is also happy and fulfilled on his own and then we partner up? I don't understand this whole 'two must be one' aspect of relationships. Why can't two be two and come together and be friends, lovers, confidants, support, ect?
Sorry, I'm rambling. Anyway. I would love to discuss this more with you or any other topic if you like. If you're still interested we can either talk here or in dms; it doesn't matter to me. Either way I'll be waiting your response. No pressure to reply if you changed your mind.
@Magnus333
I can't express just how much this thread resonates with me! For years now, I've been thinking about this topic and where I personally stand when it comes to romantic/sexual relationships in general, but my goodness, your words have just reignited some strong feelings I've had regarding this subject! I don't know if my perceptions are exactly the same as yours when it comes to the details, but I think there are at least some similarities.
Like you and many others who have posted here, I have never been in a romantic relationship before. However, I guess you can say that I have some experience in a sexual relationship, but the circumstances surrounding that are a bit complicated and nontraditional. Despite that, I have yet to experience any form of real physical intimacy with anyone and am still a virgin. I'm not ashamed of it though; I'd be somewhat curious to experience such a thing one day, but I'd be perfectly fine going through life without it happening as well. And frankly, for the same reasons as those you've mentioned above, I'm not entirely sure if it's all that worth it. It just feels like so much unnecessary drama and stress. And God knows I already have enough to deal with on my own; I don't need someone else piling their troubles onto mine.
I'm so tired of people telling me that I just haven't found "the one", that I simply don't know what I want, and that it'll be the best thing to happen to me in my life, as if entering a relationship will magically solve all my problems and make me "whole", ugh. I mean, sure, maybe there are certain benefits to having such a partner, but honestly -and call me naïve if you want- I just don't understand how much more a lover can possibly offer compared to a close friend. The only difference I see is just the romantic/sexual aspect to the relationship. If that's truly all, then I really don't get how that's supposed to make me feel any more fulfilled than purely having platonic relationships.
But who knows, I suppose one can't quite use logic to explain emotions. Beyond that though, I've never really felt attracted to anyone I've met throughout my life. Not to the point of wanting to get close to them. I see some of my friends gushing over a new crush every month, and I just don't understand how they move from one fixation to the next so easily. Where so many people seem desperate to get into a relationship and fall in love, I have no such intense desire. I wouldn't say I'm 100% closed to the idea, but I wouldn't exactly go out of my way to try and find that special someone either. Not that I'd even know what said special someone would be like for me; I don't need much more than a mutual emotional connection and trust, which I think are already the basic foundations to any lasting interpersonal relationship. Actually, the thought of entering a romantic relationship causes me anxiety more than anything. I'm not sure why that is, but it has led me to question whether I am the way I am today because of my upbringing or if there's something more to it. I do recognize that I feel a certain aversion/unease when it comes to intimacy though, so that's definitely been a barrier for me as well. I'm not sure if you're interested in psychology, but do you know of the attachment theory? It describes 4 main categories of attachment styles, which are essentially behavioral patterns an individual tends to exhibit in their social interactions with others. I think it offers a good starting point to explain some of our attitudes as adults concerning interpersonal relationships.
When I shared my thoughts with people around me, I've only been met with pity, like people find it so sad that I see things this way and are expecting me to eventually realize the absurdity of my point of view. It's a bit disheartening to see the extent to which having a partner has become synonymous to "true" happiness; some might consider the former to be a condition to the latter. Actually, recently, I had family members talk about a celebrity who never married, and they were making all these assumptions about how lonely that person must be, as if not being in a relationship also meant not having friends! I just find it ridiculous how some people feel like they can tell exactly what kind of person someone is solely based on their relationship status! And don't get me started on all the stigma around not wishing to have children or a family of your own. Like you've asked above, why can't a person be expected to find happiness on their own? Even if we are social creatures by nature, why can't we be first and foremost our own distinct individual, without needing to be constantly attached to someone else to be considered whole? It just seems that society puts so much importance on finding a lifelong partner, that being single as an adult is practically seen as having something wrong with you, or like you're not "living life to its fullest."
Anyway, I should probably stop here for now before I end up writing a whole essay haha. Thank you if you've made it through it all! I hope it wasn't too much of a rant, but your thoughts touched upon some things I've personally had at the back of my mind for a while now. It's comforting finally coming across some people who have had similar thoughts on this subject and who are willing to have an open-minded conversation about it. I'd love to continue this discussion if it's still something you want to talk about! If not, that's okay too, it will have already been a wonderful experience reading everyone's replies in this thread :)
@miniclipop
Yes, psychology interests me and I do know about attachment theory. I only have a passing understanding of it but I understand the basic concepts and have diagnosed myself as having an avoidant attachment style. I would love to continue discussions with you. It's very refreshing to meet other people who experience sex and romance in the same way I do. It doesn't matter to me if we chat through this thread of through dms. It's your choice. Start the ball rolling and we'll go from there.
@Magnus333
I’m glad you’re still interested in continuing this discussion! Unfortunately, I believe Members don’t have the option to directly message one another, but I do happen to be a Listener as well, so if you want, I could send you a message through that account and we can continue this discussion more privately. We can go with whichever method you’re most comfortable with, since I’m just not sure how personal things might get, and I don’t know if you want all your thoughts to be out in the open like this. Let me know how you would like to proceed.
To continue a bit in regards to attachment theory, I’m no expert either, but I feel like I have some traits for both the avoidant and disorganized attachment styles. I think I fit just a bit better in the latter category though. I notice that I do often have contradicting attitudes towards those around me, but no matter how much I try to self-reflect on these inconsistencies, I can’t seem to find a proper explanation. All I know is that I get these feelings of anxiety and fear when I think of potentially being intimate with someone. I’ve definitely prematurely ended relationships with others because of this. I could’ve become close to some people by now, but I’ve panicked in the past, and simply shut down before any kind of connection could form. It probably doesn’t help that I am socially anxious as well; perhaps that is an additional factor that has led me to behave the way I do. I’ve gotten used to being on my own and keeping to myself, so perhaps the idea of no longer being alone makes me uncomfortable because it implies going outside my comfort zone... I’d be curious to hear how you experience relationships in general as well, and whether you share any similarities with my reactions. Actually, if there are any differences, I think that would be interesting to point out too.
What I also find interesting is that supposedly a large majority (around three quarters) of the population has a secure attachment style, and yet here we are with an insecure one. On the bright side, these apparently aren’t set in stone either; they say it’s possible for people to change styles, although that’s probably easier said than done. When you’ve grown up to believe certain things and have gotten used to behaving a particular way, it’s difficult to accept that there can be alternative ways of doing things. Sometimes I wish I could allow myself to trust others even just a tiny bit more, but there’s always something deep down that makes me doubt everything.
@Magnus333,
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. I read the comments and your replies on the thread before writing this... I don't think there's anything I can say that could provide you comfort but perhaps sharing my story with you is something that could help you on your journey.
Similar to you, I was abused as a child and it took me a long time before I trusted anyone to be my partner. I spent my teens and twenties really working on loving myself. I hated the way I looked and hated myself even more for struggling with depression and anxiety. It wasn't that I didn't want a relationship (I desperately wanted a partner). Rather, I think what prevented me was that I was shy, awkward and really didn't know how to talk to the opposite sex. Even striking a conversation with a semi-attractive man seemed impossible without either blushing or becoming infatuated. Seriously embarrassing.
In my mid twenties, I started to gain a bit more confidence. I started exercising, eating right and feeling better. There were a few other things that fell into place -a better job, learning how to do my make up, and feeling comfortable in my own skin when I learned to become friends with guys without feeling ashamed or embarrassed.
When I was 27, I was in a loving relationship and fell in love. It was hard and fast, I lost my virginity because I honestly believed, "he was the one." A couple months later, the relationship fell apart over something small and insignificant and I was devastated. Growing up, I had a lot of abuse in my life from my family -particularly my father. When that relationship fell apart, I knew that I needed a vice. Something to feel better but due to my abusive childhood, I knew that I didn't want to fall into drugs or alcohol. So I used sex as an outlet to feel better.
I manipulated a fake confidence to have a lot of reckless sex. (I'm so sorry if this makes you feel bad in any way- I promise there's a point to this). I was honestly really reckless and later feared that I would either end up pregnant (not knowing who the father is) or with a STD. I just wanted the pain to go away and at the time, that was the only thing that I thought would make me feel better. My family issues continued to be terrible throughout my twenties and because of the ongoing loneliness and sadness, I just felt like I needed some momentary relief.
Now, in my early 30s, I look back and consider it a learning experience. A internal scar for all the terrible shit I've been through... I wish I could tell my younger self that sex is honestly not a big deal. Relationships are amazing when they're great and awful when they're terrible. Until I was 27, I too, had never held a guy's hand before. Now, having all the experience that I do, the physical component is so much better when there is an emotional attachment and loving commitment behind it.
Relationships are a lot of work but I think it's somewhat similar to how we perceive our friendships and family relationships. For our friendships, we bond because of our similar interests and hobbies -an ease in talking and in sharing space, food or life together. With family, sometimes, we choose our family but most times we're born into them. Finding a life partner is probably one of the most important decisions we could possibly choose or make for ourselves. There will be small compromises we have to make along the way -like how my mother nags me about small issues but it should never be at the expense of your physical, emotional or mental health. For me, that's the biggest indicator if I am in a good or bad relationship.
A lot of people have told me that there are no right or wrong answers in life. It took me a long time to even talk to people about my past and my sex life. Now, I feel I have enough courage to share some of my bad choices to hopefully help people with their journey. At the end of the day, it's your life. Sometimes, we really are victims to our circumstances. The abuse and trauma that happens in our lives are things that cannot be stopped. However, I honestly believe that there is no right or wrong answer to how we choose to live our lives going forward as a result of our experiences.
If it's a best friend you're looking for, I think that's a great way to find a partner. Honestly, don't feel bad about being a virgin. Sex is something that is organic and natural and finding a good sexual rhythm is something that happens naturally over time. Sex is so much better when you can look at someone in the eyes and feel that you genuinely care about their well being. I learned that I could hate myself less when I didn't consider sex to be separate from a relationship.
I've tried friends with benefits and it never truly works out. Despite what all the movies show -it's never the same in real life.
I honestly hope this helps you even just a little bit.
Lex
@Lex1991
Thank you for your reply. Like you, my abuse and neglect left me with zero self-esteem. My siblings don't have any either. Our parents did a big number on us. I've been able to gain a small amount of self-esteem over the years. Ironically, it came from me defending myself against my parents. If there is one thing my family taught me well it was if you don't stand up for yourself people will walk all over you. Even though I've regained some of my self-esteem I still have a long way to go. My abuse left me with a nasty case of mistrust and toxic shame. Both of which really hold me back from connecting with people on any level. It sucks but I deal with it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to work my way to a healthy self-image but I'm not giving up. Honestly, I'm too angry at what happened to me and how I turned out because of it to give up.
@Magnus333, ugh. I feel you so deeply when you say, "my abuse left me with a nasty case of mistrust and toxic shame." I'm so sorry again that this happened to you. It should never have happened. It's honestly heart breaking but eventually the tears become anger and cynicism. I understand that.
Honestly, I'm not a religious person anymore but I used to be... After I walked away from the Christian religion, the one thing that I kept with me was the concept of forgiveness. In all those years of religious teaching, a few things I remember them saying were that, "unforgiveness doesn't hurt the person you hate, it only hurts you."
I can't speak to your pain but I can only share my scars. All I can tell you, Magnus, is that my parents don't care what they did to me. It enrages me, infuriates me and actually, this year I decided to cut them out of my life for good. However, even despite my resolution to cut them out, I can honestly say that I forgive them for the past and the present issues. Things used to be really black and white for me but I realize now that they're really not. I can practice forgiveness while still standing up for myself and stopping current cycles of abuse.
If there is one thing I've learned, I NEED to be happy. We literally have one life to live on this earth (unless you believe in reincarnation -which I'm leaning toward now haha). I think that's why I ripped off the band-aid and just had sex without the emotional attachment. I realize now that it probably wasn't the smartest choice, but in that moment, it was a temporary relief.
Please don't misunderstand. In no way am I saying that you need to forgive your family. All I'm saying is that you deserve to be happy. I think dealing with our family issues is a life long process but in the end, I think that we all deserve a little bit of ignorant bliss. A place to forget even just for a little bit, how painful our lives were.
I wish you all the happiness and luck. <3
I'm a 23 and I'm Virginie due to religion rules
And I'm happy with it❤️
I was a virgin pretty late and had my first time in my 30s. Mainly counseling for social anxiety combined with me taking more steps to put myself out there and ask people out has led to things improving for me. I struggled with societal expectations, but also did want to connect with people more and touch is a big love language for me, so I'm glad I was able to make progress with counseling. Obviously it's a very personal experience and you have to determine what's right for you and what types of connections you need or want. Making good platonic connections can be very meaningful too. I feel you deserve to heal from your trauma regardless whether with a counselor, through meditation, talking to people on 7cups, etc. but just my two cents.
Jip... same boat exactly the same but I am a 28 year old female Virgin who has also never been in a relationship or in love.
You are wasting your present due to past...in old age u may regret for sure..so restart a life..go and date someone
@DarknessToLight786
I'm sorry to say I have to disagree with you, when a person has taken the full extent of abuse as described, it isn't as easy to fix as "restart your life..go and date someone" because there are barriers there, I think he needs a lot of support from the 7 cups community and also health services to deal with the underlying issues before he thinks about dating, because this past could affect future relationships and cause him or his future partner more harm.
I know this because I've been through similar and I know what it's like and my story is below.
Finally, you're never to "old" to date and enter a sexual relationship, he may never want to, but if he does, with the right help, it could be the relationship he has for the rest of his life.
NOTE: Sorry for using "he", please change the he's for the appropriate pronouns :)
