It' a little embarrassing, but, in a year and a half I will be an irl 40 year old virgin. lol
Hi all,
Due to my past abuse, anxiety, depression, ect... I've yet to have a romantic or sexual relationship. I've never even been on a date, held anyone's hand, or kissed anyone. I'm not a bad looking guy and I've had several people interested in me, but, my past trauma and mental issues have kept me from seeking or accepting romantic relationships. I'm not trying to throw a pity party or complain, and, I'm not particularly sad about it, nor am I seeking advice. I'm just curious; is there anyone else out there that has avoided, rejected, or found it too difficult to seek romantic relationships? I would be interested in discussing this topic with others who are in the same boat as me.
@Magnus333
Hello,
I completely understand your points, and you're not throwing a pitty party by seeking support and guidance.
I think we're the same but in reverse.
I experienced sexual, physical, emotional and verbal abuse as a child, was bullied throughout my school years, seen as the "freak" to the other kids at school so never was on anyone's list for a relationship, moving into late teens, I did enter into relationships and eventually sexual relationships, but this isn't where things got better, relationships were abusive, towards me and the small groups of friends I had were also controlling and abusive to me, and I began a bad decline of Mental Health, self harming, overdoses, walking train lines thinking... "hope this train comes quick", and I got support from the health services and started to feel better, but the medication made me put lots of weight on so my body image and self image declined, over the years, this was a recurring problem that I ignored and went into the "nobody cares", "nobody loves me", "nobody would care if I died" mindset, but the abusive relationships just kept coming hitting me.
I would go for days, weeks and sometimes months without even washing or changing my clothes, not brushing my teeth (the basic self care needs), and then I met a woman that had 4 children, 10 years older than me and seemed to be the person I've dreamed of, she got pregnant really quickly and because both myself and herself had been brought up in Christianity, we both said we should get married (We didn't even really know each other as you will see shortly), by the day my first daughter was born, we were married, but she would make the odd comment calling me "gayboy" "queer", "where's your boyfriend?" etc. but this went on eventually for 10 years, she always said it was a joke but come on, 10 years of the same thing is no longer a joke, especially when I have had experienced relationships with guys previously and the final time I was with a guy at that time, he raped me, brutally.
As time went on, she became demanding and controlling over me and I literally started to feel like one of her kids, but we had a further 2 daughters together but only by using strong Viagra because I had emotionally detached from her and I could no longer get aroused for her and I adopted her youngest son as I'd brought him up for pretty much his whole life, and our my bond with him to this day is very strong (he's 13 now), after a while, it turned into domestic violence, in that she became verbally and emotionally abusive to me and not long after, held a knife to my throat, threw knives, plates and many other things at me in her fits of rage, in January 2020, I had a complete mental breakdown, and she responded by saying "Oh I can't be dealing with you, i'm sick to death of you" and that was it, I left her, but I'd always felt trapped before due to the abuse as well as her using the "If you leave, you're not seeing your kids again" method.
As of now, sexual desires no longer exist and I don't ever want another relationship as long as I live, I have no friends, I trust nobody, I am socially disassociated and feel i'm no longer a part of this world, I see her mainly when I pick the kids up and drop them off but only if I have to, I don't disrespect her to the kids under any circumstances and I've never really spoken about the full extent of the abuse by her to anyone in the real world.
I am full of anxiety and stress, I have had episodes of mental instability although feeling much better lately whilst also being low in mood and disassociated from the world, and what did I ever do to deserve that? nothing, just a long history of abuse by others caused me to be like I am, so the next time someone says they don't like the way I am or the person I am, I have one simple answer "I am the person you and everyone else made me be"
So as you can see, I totally get you so don't ever feel like your bothering others or self pitying, basically, if someone doesn't like your post for that reason, they can move on to the next one.
If you want a chat or do in the future, feel free to send a message.
I wish you all the best.
@Letschangetheworldtogether
Just to add to the above, I used 7 cups a number of times in that marriage as a method of support and loved it, but due to the health services getting involved, I stopped and closed my account.
I have rejoined again, as a listener, and absolutely love being back, the chats I have had with listeners so far have been challenging whilst also rewarding and I am so happy to have returned to begin my journey with 7 cups in the freedom of having no relationship to stop me :)
@Letschangetheworldtogether
I'm so sorry you've been through all of that. Your experience sounds like the classic pattern of abuse victim both attracting and being attracted to abusers. It scary to know how many abusers are out there and the length they'll go to in order to harm the person they're abusing.
It sounds like your life has been hell; to be rejected by everyone you've ever known. That's horrific. You say that you've used 7 cups before during your marriage; do you have access to a therapist that you can see regularly or is 7 cups your only outlet and support structure? 7 cups is all I have.
Do you know if your ex-wife is abusive to your children? If she's an abuser and you're no longer in the picture I wouldn't be surprised if she turn to the kids as her outlet. I can't stand people who use their children as weapons or tools of manipulation against their partners or exes. My dad used to do that with my mom when she threatened divorce and it made her stay with him for many years longer than she would or should have otherwise. Both of my parents were/are neglectful and abusive but that's still screwed up to do to someone. My sister's husband did something similar to my sister when she was approaching the subject of divorce. It makes me so angry. How could someone be so self-centered to use their child like that? Do they even care about their children at all?
Does your wife still try to abuse you when you see her to exchange your children? Do you think she badmouths you to the kids? How have things been since you've been back on 7 cups?
I look forward to talking to you more.
@Magnus333
Hi Magnus,
I have a great relationship with my kids and see them all daily, nobody will stop that, as for mum, she was abusive to them and honestly, so was I although mine was pressure by her to "discipline" them, since separating, I am so much better, no need to "smack" them, I am able to deal with issues calmly, and she is quite supportive.
She does still give me abuse a lot, but she is also very needy in terms of she needs me to support with the kids so she can work.
My "step"son is 13, I brought him up all his life and I feared she could use this as a weapon when we separated in terms of telling him I'm not his dad maybe I suppose to break the bond, so I told him a while back, and mine and his bond is still very strong, he still calls me dad and he is like my best friend, I don't need to talk to him about my problems because he's a child, his presence is enough, he knows when I'm down, he hugs me, tells me he loves me etc, he knows when I'm mad, he will give me some space, he knows how to make me laugh harder than ever, he is an inspirational child and I love him more than the world, I love him the same as my 3 girls.
My children are all I need and as I replied to another post regarding your situation, I have no interest in meeting someone else, I'm broken and damaged and not very good at relationships, I have no sexual desires, all I want in this world is to help and support others (i.e. returning to 7 cups) and my children, I have my job and I'm happy with life right now.
I wish you all the best, and just remember one thing: It is often the most damaged people that have the biggest hearts, People say "watch the quiet ones" because they are "bad news".... no, we're quiet because we're damaged and this is the problem in this world.
We can make a difference and we can make the world a better place, we can't change the whole world (that would be awesome) but we can do our best, we will mess up and make mistakes.... we're human and it's normal.
I appreciate your reply, please feel free to inbox me.
@iCareUK
It's great to hear that you have such a good relationship with your children. It's good to see cycles of abuse be broken by a parent or parents that were themselves abused by their parents. I think suffering from abuse as we have makes us very aware that children are individuals with thoughts and feelings of their own and not property of the parent to do with as they please. I also think not having a loving parent can allow us to know what a proper parent should be and allow us to fill that role for our children.
Obviously, I don't have children myself but I view my niece and nephews as my children. Although it's difficult for me emotionally to express my love for them due to my past abuse I do my best to show and tell them how much I love them whenever I can. I just want them to know that I love them and see them.
Me too
@Magnus333
Hi, thank you for opening up and sharing here. There is no shame in that and glad you found the 7cups community. I am also in the same boat, 31, had a traumatic experience when I was 15 and kept running away from love due to fear of getting hurt. Every time a guy approaches me, I either freeze and ruminate or run away as a response. Recently, I tried to be open to love and just had my heart broken again due to a situationship so I did a deep reflection of the root cause of my old habits and realized that the event at 15 was just my trigger but deep down to my core I felt unlovable, unworthy, unattractive, and easily abandoned. I was striving for a level of perfection that was unachievable in order to feel loved and accepted. So after making this realization, I did some inner work and realized that I needed to love myself first. We are all worthy of being loved just as we are to our core. Love is all around us. We just need to release and let go of the things that are preventing us from being open to it and seeing it. My journey to self love started here. Having self compassion for what we've been through and coming out stronger for it helps a lot. I know the first impulse is being hard on ourselves but nothing ever good comes out of self criticism and self blame so why don't we try accepting ourselves first as we are? It takes practice and definitely everyday is a progress. We have to throw away the notion that we have to be a certain way first before receiving love because that just creates resistance to what we want. If there is a desire in your heart to have a romantic relationship, it was put there for a reason.
After the realization that I am worthy of love just the way I am and starting my journey of self love, I took a chance on meeting new people. Let me share a recent experience I had this past Labor Day (Sept 5, 2022). I was at a spa resort celebrating with my family and I saw a guy that kept gazing my way. I was interested in making friends and my intuition was telling me it was a safe connection. So for the first time in my life, instead of ignoring or running away, I walked up to an area where he can see me. I was in a hot tub and the area I went to was a bit uncomfortable because the water was splashing behind my back. He looked my way and I gave him my biggest smile lol. He had the most beautiful cerulean blue eyes I've ever seen, I felt a connection towards him. That was rare for me because I usually need to know someone before feeling a connection. He walked up to me and said "Hey, how's it going?" I said "Hi, how are you?" Then I don't know what happened next because my body froze and my mind started ruminating. All I remember is he held his left hand out to me and his right hand was pointing to the direction of his friend. Then I stared at his hand and his face and where my family is at and where is friend was at and he ended up withdrawing his hand lol and started walking backwards to his friend.
I was too excited despite my head ruminating and so I went to my family and told them I’ll just be on the other side of the hot tub pool so I can try and talk to the guy. I went to his direction and he was staring at me, I got shy so I avoided his gaze and then sitted at an area near him. My head was ruminating again and my old patterns and programming was deeply embedded in my body and my brain just can’t think of what to say or how to approach him this time, I made it so weird. My mom and nephew ended up getting me away from there because I wasn’t able to talk to the guy and it was so embarassing. I was frustrated, so I asked my family how should I handle the situation. Should I come back and touch his shoulder to get his attention or something? They said no, it’s already enough that your beauty was noticed. lol. I was so happy regardless because that guy was an angel to me. He had no idea how much I felt seen and how much that little interaction has healed me from my brokenheart. In the end, I ended up sitting in a far away area, proud of myself for trying and smiling to myself but wishing he would look my way, which he did, I wanted to wave at him to tell him to come my way, but I got nervous and looked up in the sky. So he retreated. I regret this very much but in the end, I knew I did my best at that time due to my old programming and trauma… I could have made a new friend, but it’s ok. I send lots of love his way and also myself too. I accept myself at that time and this event made me realize that I really want to improve and change my old programming so I can give love. I strongly believe that we can only meet people as deep as we’ve met ourselves. I want to give a love so deep to someone I’m sure of. I can only do that if I’m also sure of myself. I acknowledged that I need professional help in order to get over the trauma I didn’t process and ran away from for the past years so here I am now in 7cups working with a therapist!
Let me share some videos that is currently helping me on my journey:
Self Love: Louise Hay-10 Ways to Love Yourself
How to create the world you want: Learn How To Control Your Mind (USE This To BrainWash Yourself)
I hope my story, albeit long made you feel encouraged. It takes courage to be vulnerable, do the inner work, and improve yourself so I’m proud of you.
@reservedWillow8510
Thank you for reaching out and replying to my post. Hearing about your experience at the spa and your thoughts on self love and acceptance is helpful to me. Dealing with the trauma and old habits/coping mechanisms is really difficult. Whenever the topic or situation of being loved or meeting new people arises I find myself revisiting my old belief/pattern of toxic shame. It's so difficult to view myself as worthy of love and acceptance which slams the door to the option of starting new friendships and relationships.
Knowing that someone in a similar situation can make progress gives me hope that maybe one day I won't hate myself and close myself off from others in order to protect myself.
Thank you for the links to the videos. I'll make sure to watch them.
@Magnus333
I'm happy that my story has helped you in some way! Right now I'm learning it is really difficult and takes time and practice to accept and love yourself but it is so worth it once you do. You are going to be with yourself for the rest of your days, so it would be nice to develop a really intimate relationship with yourself spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Take your time and own your journey, you are the master of your own destiny. The past doesn't have power over you anymore, so please don't let it. The future is yet to come so the only time we have control over really is the present. One step at a time.
Here's other powerful videos about overcoming trauma:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mSA60YxIDg
I'm cheering you on and wish you the best on your journey to self love!!!
Yes i can strongly related
@Magnus333
Same hat? Same hat.
I turned 34 this year and have never been kissed, never been on a date, never so much as held a man's hand. No one has ever offered. I'm under no delusions about the level and nature of my appeal as a romantic partner, I'm well aware that I have no appeal whatsoever.
I've given it a great deal of thought over the years, trying to figure out just what the cause might be. I don't consider myself attractive, but I've seen plenty of people who would not be considered conventionally attractive who still have partners. So no matter what you look like, someone somewhere can be attracted to you.
So if it's not the way I look that's the problem, the only conclusion I've been able to draw is that it's just... me. Something about who I am as a person that apparently everyone can see as clearly as a neon sign that says "Walk away".
I've been in love before. I'm in love right now. But that first one was rough. And even though in theory it could have worked, I don't think he ever even saw me, even when I was right beside him. And it took me years to get over him, to get over something that never even happened. So I'm fairly confident that that's where my trouble with parasocial relationships started.
TL;DR, no, you are absolutely not alone. And I'll even say that a large part of what you're feeling comes from societal expectations. You're born, you grow up, you pair off, you produce offspring, and so on and so forth. It's such a basic milestone that everyone thinks they're supposed to hit that if you don't in the time period where you're "supposed to", it feels like a failure, a shortcoming.
Good on you, though, for not settling. Being alone is still better than being with someone you don't actually want to be with just for the sake of saying you "have" someone.
@turtlePated whats being in love like
what does love feel like
i dont know
@squichbean
I'd say that there's no single answer because there's more than one type of love. And as far as describing what it's like to be "in love", I don't know that I'm the best judge of that because my feelings have never been returned by anyone. And loving someone who doesn't love you back is so, so painful. It's really grief, you're in a constant state of mourning for a bond that never existed. But it was real for you, maybe it's still real for you.
I imagine that it feels very different when it's reciprocal.
As much as it hurts, though, it can be worth it. If nothing else then it allows you to prove to yourself that you're capable of feeling that way for someone else.
@squichbean
I'd say that there's no single answer because there's more than one type of love. And as far as describing what it's like to be "in love", I don't know that I'm the best judge of that because my feelings have never been returned by anyone. And loving someone who doesn't love you back is so, so painful. It's really grief, you're in a constant state of mourning for a bond that never existed. But it was real for you, maybe it's still real for you.
I imagine that it feels very different when it's reciprocal.
As much as it hurts, though, it can be worth it. If nothing else then it allows you to prove to yourself that you're capable of feeling that way for someone else.
@squichbean
I'd say that there's no single answer because there's more than one type of love. And as far as describing what it's like to be "in love", I don't know that I'm the best judge of that because my feelings have never been returned by anyone. And loving someone who doesn't love you back is so, so painful. It's really grief, you're in a constant state of mourning for a bond that never existed. But it was real for you, maybe it's still real for you.
I imagine that it feels very different when it's reciprocal.
As much as it hurts, though, it can be worth it. If nothing else then it allows you to prove to yourself that you're capable of feeling that way for someone else.
@Magnus333
I really liked the way you express it without hesitation and your mindset toward accepting it. I can't imagine how much though it would have been went through in past. Hugs dear.
Personally it nothing wrong atall, being virgin at whatever age. To crave for it or not is also depend person to person. It totally individual choice as Many factor contribute in it.
Intimacy when done when the person is mentally n physically ready for it than it turn up a good epxerience and i liked ur patience to wait for it.
Thank you for initiate by this post, as many could share their experience and thought over it.. it like sailing together in same boat and not feeling alone.
God bless you and wish you deserve the best and lot of happiness.
@Magnus333
It can be difficult for anyone to form romantic relationships, regardless of past experiences or mental health issues. Many people may have a hard time forming romantic connections for a variety of reasons, and it's important to remember that everyone's experiences are unique. It's perfectly normal to feel uncertain or hesitant when it comes to forming romantic relationships, and there is no right or wrong way to approach them. If you feel comfortable discussing your experiences with others who may be in similar situations, there are many online forums and support groups where you can connect with others who may understand what you're going through. It's important to remember that you are not alone, and that there are people who are willing to listen and offer support.
@Magnus333 tbh i just cant gaf anymore
so *** lonely all the *** time
hope life get better for u
:)
I am 22 but my brane 30
@Magnus333
This post was a long time ago I'm not sure sending is right hehe but
I'm also in the same place. I had a very bad experience with love, and now I just can't even think of any intimacy or affection, it's been a few years but I still feel too hurt, so everytime I think about it I just panic, I had other people interested in me, but feels like I wanna run away from all that, I'm not sure when I get over this, but I'm more comfortable this way, concentrating on my life and what's really true rather than lies..