It' a little embarrassing, but, in a year and a half I will be an irl 40 year old virgin. lol

@Magnus333

Hello,

I completely understand your points, and you're not throwing a pitty party by seeking support and guidance.

I think we're the same but in reverse.

I experienced sexual, physical, emotional and verbal abuse as a child, was bullied throughout my school years, seen as the "freak" to the other kids at school so never was on anyone's list for a relationship, moving into late teens, I did enter into relationships and eventually sexual relationships, but this isn't where things got better, relationships were abusive, towards me and the small groups of friends I had were also controlling and abusive to me, and I began a bad decline of Mental Health, self harming, overdoses, walking train lines thinking... "hope this train comes quick", and I got support from the health services and started to feel better, but the medication made me put lots of weight on so my body image and self image declined, over the years, this was a recurring problem that I ignored and went into the "nobody cares", "nobody loves me", "nobody would care if I died" mindset, but the abusive relationships just kept coming hitting me.

I would go for days, weeks and sometimes months without even washing or changing my clothes, not brushing my teeth (the basic self care needs), and then I met a woman that had 4 children, 10 years older than me and seemed to be the person I've dreamed of, she got pregnant really quickly and because both myself and herself had been brought up in Christianity, we both said we should get married (We didn't even really know each other as you will see shortly), by the day my first daughter was born, we were married, but she would make the odd comment calling me "gayboy" "queer", "where's your boyfriend?" etc. but this went on eventually for 10 years, she always said it was a joke but come on, 10 years of the same thing is no longer a joke, especially when I have had experienced relationships with guys previously and the final time I was with a guy at that time, he raped me, brutally.

As time went on, she became demanding and controlling over me and I literally started to feel like one of her kids, but we had a further 2 daughters together but only by using strong Viagra because I had emotionally detached from her and I could no longer get aroused for her and I adopted her youngest son as I'd brought him up for pretty much his whole life, and our my bond with him to this day is very strong (he's 13 now), after a while, it turned into domestic violence, in that she became verbally and emotionally abusive to me and not long after, held a knife to my throat, threw knives, plates and many other things at me in her fits of rage, in January 2020, I had a complete mental breakdown, and she responded by saying "Oh I can't be dealing with you, i'm sick to death of you" and that was it, I left her, but I'd always felt trapped before due to the abuse as well as her using the "If you leave, you're not seeing your kids again" method.

As of now, sexual desires no longer exist and I don't ever want another relationship as long as I live, I have no friends, I trust nobody, I am socially disassociated and feel i'm no longer a part of this world, I see her mainly when I pick the kids up and drop them off but only if I have to, I don't disrespect her to the kids under any circumstances and I've never really spoken about the full extent of the abuse by her to anyone in the real world.

I am full of anxiety and stress, I have had episodes of mental instability although feeling much better lately whilst also being low in mood and disassociated from the world, and what did I ever do to deserve that? nothing, just a long history of abuse by others caused me to be like I am, so the next time someone says they don't like the way I am or the person I am, I have one simple answer "I am the person you and everyone else made me be"

So as you can see, I totally get you so don't ever feel like your bothering others or self pitying, basically, if someone doesn't like your post for that reason, they can move on to the next one.

If you want a chat or do in the future, feel free to send a message.

I wish you all the best.

Me too

@Magnus333

Hi, thank you for opening up and sharing here. There is no shame in that and glad you found the 7cups community. I am also in the same boat, 31, had a traumatic experience when I was 15 and kept running away from love due to fear of getting hurt. Every time a guy approaches me, I either freeze and ruminate or run away as a response. Recently, I tried to be open to love and just had my heart broken again due to a situationship so I did a deep reflection of the root cause of my old habits and realized that the event at 15 was just my trigger but deep down to my core I felt unlovable, unworthy, unattractive, and easily abandoned. I was striving for a level of perfection that was unachievable in order to feel loved and accepted. So after making this realization, I did some inner work and realized that I needed to love myself first. We are all worthy of being loved just as we are to our core. Love is all around us. We just need to release and let go of the things that are preventing us from being open to it and seeing it. My journey to self love started here. Having self compassion for what we've been through and coming out stronger for it helps a lot. I know the first impulse is being hard on ourselves but nothing ever good comes out of self criticism and self blame so why don't we try accepting ourselves first as we are? It takes practice and definitely everyday is a progress. We have to throw away the notion that we have to be a certain way first before receiving love because that just creates resistance to what we want. If there is a desire in your heart to have a romantic relationship, it was put there for a reason.

After the realization that I am worthy of love just the way I am and starting my journey of self love, I took a chance on meeting new people. Let me share a recent experience I had this past Labor Day (Sept 5, 2022). I was at a spa resort celebrating with my family and I saw a guy that kept gazing my way. I was interested in making friends and my intuition was telling me it was a safe connection. So for the first time in my life, instead of ignoring or running away, I walked up to an area where he can see me. I was in a hot tub and the area I went to was a bit uncomfortable because the water was splashing behind my back. He looked my way and I gave him my biggest smile lol. He had the most beautiful cerulean blue eyes I've ever seen, I felt a connection towards him. That was rare for me because I usually need to know someone before feeling a connection. He walked up to me and said "Hey, how's it going?" I said "Hi, how are you?" Then I don't know what happened next because my body froze and my mind started ruminating. All I remember is he held his left hand out to me and his right hand was pointing to the direction of his friend. Then I stared at his hand and his face and where my family is at and where is friend was at and he ended up withdrawing his hand lol and started walking backwards to his friend.

I was too excited despite my head ruminating and so I went to my family and told them I’ll just be on the other side of the hot tub pool so I can try and talk to the guy. I went to his direction and he was staring at me, I got shy so I avoided his gaze and then sitted at an area near him. My head was ruminating again and my old patterns and programming was deeply embedded in my body and my brain just can’t think of what to say or how to approach him this time, I made it so weird. My mom and nephew ended up getting me away from there because I wasn’t able to talk to the guy and it was so embarassing. I was frustrated, so I asked my family how should I handle the situation. Should I come back and touch his shoulder to get his attention or something? They said no, it’s already enough that your beauty was noticed. lol. I was so happy regardless because that guy was an angel to me. He had no idea how much I felt seen and how much that little interaction has healed me from my brokenheart. In the end, I ended up sitting in a far away area, proud of myself for trying and smiling to myself but wishing he would look my way, which he did, I wanted to wave at him to tell him to come my way, but I got nervous and looked up in the sky. So he retreated. I regret this very much but in the end, I knew I did my best at that time due to my old programming and trauma… I could have made a new friend, but it’s ok. I send lots of love his way and also myself too. I accept myself at that time and this event made me realize that I really want to improve and change my old programming so I can give love. I strongly believe that we can only meet people as deep as we’ve met ourselves. I want to give a love so deep to someone I’m sure of. I can only do that if I’m also sure of myself. I acknowledged that I need professional help in order to get over the trauma I didn’t process and ran away from for the past years so here I am now in 7cups working with a therapist!

Let me share some videos that is currently helping me on my journey:

Self Love: Louise Hay-10 Ways to Love Yourself

How to create the world you want: Learn How To Control Your Mind (USE This To BrainWash Yourself)

I hope my story, albeit long made you feel encouraged. It takes courage to be vulnerable, do the inner work, and improve yourself so I’m proud of you.

Yes i can strongly related

@Magnus333

Same hat? Same hat.

I turned 34 this year and have never been kissed, never been on a date, never so much as held a man's hand. No one has ever offered. I'm under no delusions about the level and nature of my appeal as a romantic partner, I'm well aware that I have no appeal whatsoever.

I've given it a great deal of thought over the years, trying to figure out just what the cause might be. I don't consider myself attractive, but I've seen plenty of people who would not be considered conventionally attractive who still have partners. So no matter what you look like, someone somewhere can be attracted to you.

So if it's not the way I look that's the problem, the only conclusion I've been able to draw is that it's just... me. Something about who I am as a person that apparently everyone can see as clearly as a neon sign that says "Walk away".

I've been in love before. I'm in love right now. But that first one was rough. And even though in theory it could have worked, I don't think he ever even saw me, even when I was right beside him. And it took me years to get over him, to get over something that never even happened. So I'm fairly confident that that's where my trouble with parasocial relationships started.

TL;DR, no, you are absolutely not alone. And I'll even say that a large part of what you're feeling comes from societal expectations. You're born, you grow up, you pair off, you produce offspring, and so on and so forth. It's such a basic milestone that everyone thinks they're supposed to hit that if you don't in the time period where you're "supposed to", it feels like a failure, a shortcoming.

Good on you, though, for not settling. Being alone is still better than being with someone you don't actually want to be with just for the sake of saying you "have" someone.

@Magnus333

I really liked the way you express it without hesitation and your mindset toward accepting it. I can't imagine how much though it would have been went through in past. Hugs dear.

Personally it nothing wrong atall, being virgin at whatever age. To crave for it or not is also depend person to person. It totally individual choice as Many factor contribute in it.

Intimacy when done when the person is mentally n physically ready for it than it turn up a good epxerience and i liked ur patience to wait for it.

Thank you for initiate by this post, as many could share their experience and thought over it.. it like sailing together in same boat and not feeling alone.

God bless you and wish you deserve the best and lot of happiness.

@Magnus333

It can be difficult for anyone to form romantic relationships, regardless of past experiences or mental health issues. Many people may have a hard time forming romantic connections for a variety of reasons, and it's important to remember that everyone's experiences are unique. It's perfectly normal to feel uncertain or hesitant when it comes to forming romantic relationships, and there is no right or wrong way to approach them. If you feel comfortable discussing your experiences with others who may be in similar situations, there are many online forums and support groups where you can connect with others who may understand what you're going through. It's important to remember that you are not alone, and that there are people who are willing to listen and offer support.

@Magnus333 tbh i just cant gaf anymore

so *** lonely all the *** time

hope life get better for u

:)

I am 22 but my brane 30

@Magnus333

This post was a long time ago I'm not sure sending is right hehe but

I'm also in the same place. I had a very bad experience with love, and now I just can't even think of any intimacy or affection, it's been a few years but I still feel too hurt, so everytime I think about it I just panic, I had other people interested in me, but feels like I wanna run away from all that, I'm not sure when I get over this, but I'm more comfortable this way, concentrating on my life and what's really true rather than lies..