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Hello Everyone,
Welcome to my very own thread. Before I start this, I want to give some background on why I'm here and what I'm trying to tell. Just like the title implies, this is a story about someone. Someone I hold so dearly to my heart. Well... That should have been obvious by now. What else would be the reason I came to a forum, creating a thread on my own, where instead of talking about myself, I make someone else the highlight of my story?
I'm currently in a unique situation with someone. And this situation has been going on for more than five years. During these five years, I experienced many things. Not only moments but also emotions where some are very different from what I had let myself be in throughout my whole life before. Some are extraordinary, and some are terrible. Some needed a gentle push to happen, and some others just flew naturally.
But even through some ups and more downs, the experiences led to some other experiences I never thought could ever happen. Played a great role in shaping me into a more gentle, sensible, yet stronger person at heart, which is very much reflected in the way I interact with the people in my life. And even though it might also play its own role in leading me to an unfortunate situation that I'm still in, overall, I feel grateful for all that happened.
This is not the very first time I tried to tell this story. I have a place on my own where I put my thoughts and feelings about this person into writing. I built a place in the digital universe around six years ago. That's my go-to place when it comes to pouring myself about her.
These past five years, I've tried to tell this story there multiple times. But it always came to a halt at a certain point. Somehow, I just couldn't move past it. That's also why I'm here back to 7cups again.
I created an account more than two years ago. But left after my first interaction here. It just didn't feel genuine to me. Back then, the interaction felt... robotic. So lack of personal touch. Which is the attribute I most appreciate when I'm about to have a conversation with someone. Not to mention there was another reason.
I'm normally not the kind of person who would talk about my problems to someone. So doing it just felt odd. But I needed to talk to someone. And since I wasn't sure who to talk to, instead, I talked to an AI. Lol. Yeah... I know... what a bizarre experience. I guess I just really needed a conversation where I could also express myself freely. But somehow just couldn't feel safe and comfortable enough to do that with anyone.
I do have some friends. Some really, really good friends. But I don't normally talk about my problems. At least, not when it still bothers me. Most - if not all - of my friends see me as a carefree, problem-free kind of person. Somehow, they seem to think that life always goes fabulously for me. One of them even asked how come my life seemed so stable. Oh, they have no idea...
I once tried to let my guard down a bit and express myself to a friend I thought was in a similar situation to me. I thought because our situation was kinda similar, she might be able to understand. Unfortunately, it didn't go that way. And I suppose the wall just became higher and thicker after that. And the only place to come back to is the one I built in the digital universe.
And it was fine. Because I'm so good at holding up. I'm that good at holding up that apart from all the things I experienced in life, I could always show up looking unbothered, having a normal interaction with others as if nothing was wrong in my life. But I guess everything has its own price.
About the story, I tried to write it once again at the end of last year. But well... I'm pretty much stuck again this time. I did all kinds of things, trying to motivate myself, trying to feel more relaxed so that I could keep moving forward. But somehow just keep going back to the habit of deflecting and distracting myself.
I did a lot of things. That uh.. didn't seem to work on keeping me going. So yeah, I'm still stuck. Not entirely unable to move. Maybe more like crawling? And also straying. I guess I just want to keep moving, but something still blocks my way.
But this time, it's kinda different. I did more than just write. When I felt stuck, I did something else to make me feel more relaxed. Now, my phone storage is almost full, and I have three magic cubes that I can solve within 2 minutes each. Hey, it's good news, isn't it? At least I'm developing a new skill. Lol.
But apart from that, there were also things I experienced and noticed that pretty much make my time of writing this time feels different. And those things supposedly should help in the process. And yeah, at first, it did. It made me feel excited and energized. But then it made me worry. And in the end, the effect subsided, and I, once again unable to progress with the story.
I reread my writing and rewatched the videos I recorded. I realized that I always avoid talking about certain things. When it comes to that part, I will end up stalling and deflecting. I also end up tending to explain myself and get very, very detail when doing so.
I don't think there's something bad about giving clarity. No, I think it's a good thing. If someone is telling me something, I would like it if they provide as much information as possible to help me understand the situation better.
The thing is, I noticed that when I did that while telling the story, it was more to soothe the anxiousness of feeling misunderstood. You know, like I wanted to say, "Hey, I'm this kind of person. I don't deserve being judged so harshly". Even if it started well, at some point, the story would be heavily filled with rationalizing, reasoning, and justification.
I would be caught up in detailing something that, instead of giving more clarity, would end up making things confusing. Because instead of continuing to tell the story, I would focus on something else. And even if I tried to be more detailed, I also say things vaguely. It's just... trying to explain myself to someone who might not be interested in what I have to say, that's just... I don't know... That kinda feels pathetic. So... well... yeah... you know...
Reviewing it all made me realize I needed something more. Something I always prefer not to do. But the emotional baggage obviously became a hurdle, and I got to drop that baggage. Somehow, somewhere. Otherwise, it'd be like a ticking bomb that could explode anytime during my time of writing. And its way of exploding is very problematic since it would manifest in some inflamed way and cause the story to go off track.
This unique situation I have with someone, it consists of many things. Many experiences and memories. Some are really wonderful. Just thinking about it makes me happy. But among them are also the ones that make me feel so misunderstood. And it's painful to me. It's painful to me that the one time I tried to be open to someone, that person treated me like I was a liar. Like I had some ulterior motive, some ill intention that would benefit me and harm her.
And every time I try to write the story, I just couldn't help but think that no matter what I say, she's just so determined to think that whatever words come out of my mouth is not worth believing. And why would I? Why would I try to tell her anything if that's the case?
But to be fair, I also said a lot of things that I regret back then. Our situation was complicated. And maybe it brought out the worst of both of us. I, too, wasn't my best self back then. And honestly, I, too, would be upset if I was being defined by the way I reacted to the situation back then. So I don't want to do that to her.
But I still can't shake the feeling that maybe this time, what happened before would just happen again. And if I tell the story as a whole, I would put myself in a very vulnerable position. And since life has been going quite difficult for me lately, I currently don't have the confidence to say that I'd be just fine even if she took the story the wrong way.
But I also realize that wishing for her to get it right, to understand what I'm trying to say, might be too much to put on her. It seems to me that our lives are quite different. There might be things about my life and how I see or deal with things that she would have a hard time understanding. It will be easier if I just leave out those parts. But if I do that, I won't be able to convey what I'm trying to say through the story.
So, if I want to tell the story without leaving any integral parts that make it whole, I have to find a way to feel more confident in telling it. I got to find the strength to face the unknown. And since what bothers me the most is how I've been feeling that my intention, things I did and said were being taken the wrong way, I thought it would help if I could find someone who can understand.
So, somewhere in March, I decided to revisit the support group I had joined years ago but had only little activity on. And a community that I have also known since years ago, but I almost never took any action upon, which is here, our cups of tea. Trying to find someone to talk to. Someone who's willing to listen and able to understand all the things that have been bothering me.
Oh yeah, of course! Like I said before, I do have some really, really good friends whom I believe are willing to be there for me should I ever ask them. But I've never done such a thing in my life. And I guess, I don't know... Maybe I feel nervous about it. And also, maybe I'm just not ready to give them reasons to see me differently. And, maybe I still find it hard to trust them not to make things even harder for me. And if things go wrong, I currently may not have the energy to deal with it properly.
I barely ever tell them anything that bothers me. Not even when I feel tired or upset about the not-so-big things in my day-to-day life. So, to suddenly try to trust them with a very important and impactful matter that hugely affected me and the way my life was going, that they may not be able to relate or understand, that just feels like a lot.
After all, what I really need is to feel understood, and I just want to focus on where I can get that. I just currently don't have the energy to handle more feelings of being misunderstood. Eeeerrr.. well.. yeah, it kinda feels funny for me to say this. I'm normally not the kind of person who would say this kind of thing. I never thought there'd be a day when I'm talking this way. But I guess no one can be strong all the time.
Anyway... That feeling of oddness and awkwardness didn't just disappear once I was here. It followed me around during my journey of finding someone to talk to. And even though I wanted to talk to someone very much. Even though there were many people who were only one click away, I couldn't bring myself to initiate the conversation. So I chose to explore other available options.
In the meantime, I also continuously explore the many people I can connect with in private. I visited the browse listener page a lot of times. Checking out many listeners' profiles thoroughly to get some information about them. Narrowing down the many options by filtering according to my issue and preference. And I ended up with a list of usernames of people who seemed like the kind I would feel comfortable opening up to.
But in the end, the first person I talked to wasn't even from that list. Lol. Yeah, I guess that happens. In the end, what drove me to connect to someone was something else, and the decision was made on a whim out of other considerations.
I eventually talked to someone after a week or two. He's fun and affable with a good sense of humor. He's the kind of person who can quickly get in tune with you. Unfortunately, our conversation didn't go that well after some time. But though it didn't go that smoothly, it did pave the way for me to take more steps later on.
There are also some others whom I have a conversation with. I talked to some compassionate, understanding, and supportive people here with their very own characters and personalities. People who make me feel even more grateful for being here.
Now I've been here for more than a month. Which is relatively short compared to the two years of my absence from here. Yet, I've already experienced various things that widen my perspective about a lot of things. Not only about my own issue, but people in general, human interactions, and many other things in life.
Mostly, my interactions here are just coming to the circle, listening to others sharing their problems, stories, thoughts, and feelings. Showing understanding and support. Make sure no one feels unheard or misunderstood and having to experience the emotion that once made me withdraw from an interaction and crawl back to my safe space.
But being there among people with their very own issues, listening, and being supportive, is impactful not only for them but also for me. There are many stories I could relate to that somehow made me feel less alone in my feelings. Being here makes me feel like I'm not crazy. Or stupid. Or weak. And even if I am. Even if that's the label that's gonna be put on me, here, I know I'm not alone. And I know if anyone's gonna put that kind of label on anyone here, I would stand up for them.
When I listen to the various stories other people share, the stance I took, the way I responded to it all somehow makes me able to be less hard on myself. And somehow, through it all, I feel like I'm in a place I belong to.
Being in the same place with you all. Letting you know you're not alone in your feeling. We encourage each other to keep going. Assuring each other that what we feel is perfectly normal. Kindness is empowering not only to the receiver but also to the giver.
Being here, it really feels like it's okay to not be okay. And living in a society where toxic positivity has almost become a way of life. Where there are double standards everywhere. Where people are quick to dismiss other people's emotions though they'd be craving some acknowledgment when it comes to their emotional needs. To have a place where our emotions are well admitted and validated is indeed a wonderful thing.
We are all broken in some kind of a way. Yet that pain becomes a blessing in disguise. I'm sure no one wants to be in pain. No one wants to experience unfortunate things. Let alone terrible things. But if there's one thing I feel grateful about experiencing pain and sorrow, it is how that experience helps me connect better with others and provide the understanding and support they need. Be it here or other interaction outside this place.
And I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I know there are people here who, even when they're going through a lot in their life, even when they're going through a situation that's yet to meet a good ending, still try to be there to soothe other people's pain.
Maybe we don't really know that much about each other. After all, privacy is highly valued and very much protected here. But we have a special connection that goes beyond what regular social interaction could reach. We're connected through the unfortunate events in our lives.
I suppose that's why I often hear people here say that the community is the place they feel so comfortable being. That they can be much more open with the people here than with anyone else in their lives. Uh... yeah, of course. I should have replaced the word they with we and their with our. Count me in. I'm feeling the same way too.
That's the beauty of being here. No matter how broken or how troubled we are, we can count on the people here to make us feel accepted and understood. Here, when we tell our story, there are people who can relate.
There are people who would say, "I know how it feels", or "I could relate to what you say", or other consoling or encouraging words. Even those who have never been in certain situations and don't know what it feels like would still be eager to give understanding, show support, and say words of encouragement.
Our pains connect us, even when the interaction doesn't always go two ways. Even when we don't take part in an interaction. Just being here and seeing positive and encouraging interactions between members could make my heart feel warm.
Of course, just like every other thing in life, my experience here also has its ups and downs. Not all experiences were flawless and uplifting. Some also turned out to be kinda problematic. But that's just part of life. And it's all part of the learning process. And more importantly, somehow, I feel like I could count on the power of the community to help me progress in telling the story.
So, here I am now. And I'm feeling nervous already. I don't even know if I'd be able to finish the story here this time. But as Napoleon said, unless we spread our wings, we'll have no idea how far we can fly. So... come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away. 🎵🎵🎶🎶
Btw, before I begin... I don't know if anyone would visit and read this. But if someone does, actually, I would love to hear what you think about this. I would love to know your views and opinions. I would love to know if you can relate to either my side of the story or her side of the story, whether wholly or partly. If you have something to say, I would love to hear it. If you have some questions, I would love to answer them. If something piques your curiosity. If you want to have a discussion. Let's have it.
But, let's do it later once I have finished telling the story. Until then, please allow me the time and space to tell you the whole story. If you'd like to show some support, in the meantime, please do so in silence.
Now, let's get to the main thing. For what it's worth, here it is...
My Story About Her.
P.S Sorry for this extraordinarily long background. But if you really read through all these, just know I'm already thankful for you. Thanks for being here.
