My pain
I wasn't going to share but the lovely woman ZeeTee17 motivated me to. I don't have social skills because from the age of 3 til 15 I lived life in an attic on a bed I wasn't allowed to go outside and play I wasn't allowed out of my room unless it was for school. At school it was no better as far as interactions with other humans go. They made fun of me because my clothes were always dirty and had holes in them and my showed talked when I walked. My stepdad was an alcoholic. Fast forward 5 years I had a son who we named dawson with a woman I was planning on spending the rest of my life with. When he was born she decided she didn't want to be a parent and walked out. It was never an option in my head so I took care of my responsibility and got full custody of him. I then met my wife when I was 20. She had 4 kids with different dad's who none of them were in their lives. I as a brand new parent became a dad to 5 in an instant. I took care of us all she had a bad back. It was a family I had only read in books I didn't think it was an actual thing because up til this point I thought love was only something I felt for people and people couldn't feel for me. I left alot of details out of my childhood because there isn't enough time. But ya for the first time I felt love towards me. Fast forward 7 years. My dad(stepdad) called out of the blue. I hadn't talked to him since we had left when I was 15. He informed me he had cancer again which I learned he had it before beat it and it came back. Without hesitation I drove from Iowa which is where I live to Kansas city, Missouri after work. I spent the last two weeks of his live with him taking care of him in every way imaginable. It healed alot I didn't realize was hurt and I came to the conclusion that it was that he showed love towards me and that's all I ever wanted. Then he died holding my hand looking at me. This overfilled my cup. I broke and I went in a dark place. I didn't realize how I had let things build up inside so bad I thought I was fine. Then came the bad news. It turns out I lost alot more as I lost my dad. I lost what was my wife and the one friend I had during that same time taking care of my dad. She cheated on me with him while i was with my dying dad. I gave her my all. It made me realize that man there must be something really wrong with me because i gave her my absolute best and it wasn't good enough. In my time of mourning, the time I needed someone actually needed someone she turned her back on me. It broke me. I went into a darker place. I damn near lost everything. And ya it just kind of instilled in me that I've had enough of a sample size in my experience with people that statistically people are going to hurt. They hurt more than they don't and if they haven't they will even if it seems like it's impossible. I just invested all of me into my son Dawson. He's my only friend, my every hobby and every bit of free time. I find myself now just kind of wishing I had an adult to talk to, that's not myself preferably 😅. So ya I found this app and I'm giving it a try.
@JustCory88
Thank you for sharing your deeply personal journey with us. Your strength and resilience are truly inspiring, especially in light of the hardships you've faced from such a young age. It's clear that you've endured so much and carried heavy burdens, yet you've continued to show unwavering love and dedication to your son, Dawson.
The loss of your father and the betrayal by your wife during such a vulnerable time must have been devastating. It's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and to question trust in others. The wounds you carry run deep, and it's okay to take time to heal and process everything you've been through.
It's heartening to hear that you found solace and healing in caring for your father during his final days. That experience, while incredibly difficult, allowed for a profound connection and closure that you needed.
As you navigate this new chapter, please know that you're not alone. Connecting with others, like you're doing here, is a positive step forward.
You are deserving of love and companionship, and your dedication to Dawson is a testament to your strength as a father. Take each day as it comes, and remember to be kind to yourself along the way. Your courage in reaching out is a powerful reminder of your resilience.
Warm regards,
Thank you that means alot. I know that when I went through what i did as a child that it wasn't him it was his addiction and all I sought after was his love which remained the same desire throughout my life. He let go after I told him I forgave him even though i told him I wasn't holding onto it and that it wasn't a big deal it was important to him. A lot of the pain came from i felt like when I finally got his love when he finally saw me I mean actually saw me as a person, a son .. I immediately lost him. I know that's probably selfish to think because I know the struggle and pain he was in not being able to take care of himself throughout the process took a toll as well but I didn't mind I just wanted my dad
@JustCory88
Your ability to forgive and offer understanding, even amidst your own pain, speaks volumes about your character.. I hope that sharing your story here brings you some comfort and support. You're not alone in navigating these emotions, and your courage in facing them head-on is truly admirable.
Sending you strength, warmth, and love
Hello Cory, i am so sorry.
I can only say, that YOU did nothing wrong to deserve it. The wrong has been done TO you by others. Sometimes it's as simple as that.
Think of your son, for example. If someone would treat him the way you have been treated, would you think that he has done something to deserve it?
I hope you have the possibility to go in therapy and to heal. When it happens, i am pretty sure, a good woman will finally enter your life. The cheater obviously didn't deserve you.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you and ya if it was my son but that's my son. I love him. But I do appreciate your kind words and thank you for taking time out of your day to reply to my issues it means alot. I'm working on being ok with myself I try but I still walk into the bathroom and the first thing I do is open the mirror above the sink so I dont have to look at myself definitely alot of work to do but for some reason when I am just dad everything is OK like I'm a different person but when I'm alone and just cory then i begin the self hate. Idk I'm probably just weird but that's my experience I guess.
@JustCory88 I relate so much to the last thing you said there. When I’m with my kids, I laugh, have energy to do things, am confident speaking. When I’m around other people, I get hyperaware of how awkward I seem to them, I get drained quickly, and I dislike myself a lot. I think I have trouble particularly around adult women, because I am still a little like a kid. I wasn’t a typical little girl, I liked to do boy things. So I feel more natural with my boys. When I’m alone, I guess it depends what’s been going on. Sometimes it’s a relief and I enjoy being alone and feel ok about myself. Other times being alone just gives my brain too much time to think about the things I tell myself. Usually some echo of something hurtful someone said in the past. Not being able to look at your reflection… yes.  :(
@JustCory88 Good on you!!!
@JustCory88 oh what a teary eyed life story, hope you feel better soonÂ