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JustCory88
1,272 M Little Steps 4
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts341 Forum posts99 Forum upvotes295 Current upvotes295 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2024 Member sinceJune 16, 2024
Recent forum posts
Hey
35 & Over Community / by JustCory88
Last post
 23 hours ago
...See more Does anyone ever feel like they're actually doing it right?
The Abyss
Poetry / by JustCory88
Last post
 Sunday
...See more This black hole of despair is tearing me apart, A gravitational pull so strong I can feel it ripping the the strands of my soul after removing my heart. Completely destroyed with an empty void, How is it even possible to still feel the despair like it's still there, cruel joke no point. Sadness tears apart at the very fabric, An undoing of existence you can't even fathom. No John Lennon moment because you couldn't imagine. How did this happen, time goes fast. Death by a thousand cuts is the answer. The pain from the past, keeping up pace, With the current asswhooping to you're taking in current day. Never fair in the first place, Usain bolt blessed with a turtle race, Running backward rubbing it in your face, How your a disgrace and you ain't worth the space, wipe the fake smile of your face, bc you were never really important in the first place. So you stop mid flight, look up to realize, Your two steps behind where you were the first time, the tug of that abyss cut your heat strings and overtook your mind. The constant negativity, that expels out of me, like a beam, of self defeating, demeaning, enemy of me, the defeats me and doesn't have to lift a pinky. I beat my self like I'm its bouncer with out an ounce of care, feeling like there's no one out there, except the perfection I've been chasin for the last 20 years, the one that cause me to walk around the house trying to fight every mirror, side step my responsibility to fight all my fears, every night full of tears, bombarded by their laughter and jeers. No Phoenix in me to rise again,  The ashes ain't surviving the wind, couldn't humpty dumpty myself no king no men. Tathered and battered by the cost of my sin,  Don't know how to fix being less than human, Sitting around listening to music,  To drown out the nuisance,  Of being useless no need for prudence, Hard to look at it and say haven't been a burden to you, But at least the heart that I gave away was true, Had an underdog pure exuberance to it.  Getting stabbed with his heart in his hand, Trying to reach out for you to grab, To show that he matters, Just for you to pull it away and label him chutes and ladders.  Because for everyone but him it was game, He wasn't invited to play in,  He was just a pawn, to get by until a better player came along. Started as a kid, not wanting to exist, bc the paradoxical abyss, started way back then,looks likes hes finally getting his wish.To fly away to a place where he can just get away, From the sadness and the pain, and funeral music that's playing, and the constant reminder that this life isnt worth it to him, so he decided hes giving in, no more living in, this prison sentence, that he somehow is both the warden and inmate for, see pointless, like a circle, time for me to go, I have some more to feed this black hole before I'm completely consumed ripped apart and torn until I'm so scattered across the galaxy I can never be reborn.
Deep Abyss
35 & Over Community / by JustCory88
Last post
 August 14th
...See more This black hole of despair is tearing me apart, A gravitational pull so strong I can feel it ripping the the strands of my soul after removing my heart. Completely destroyed with an empty void, How is it even possible to still feel the despair like it's still there, cruel joke no point. Sadness tears apart at the very fabric, An undoing of existence you can't even fathom. No John Lennon moment because you couldn't imagine. How did this happen, time goes fast. Death by a thousand cuts is the answer. The pain from the past, keeping up pace, With the current asswhooping to you're taking in current day. Never fair in the first place, Usain bolt blessed with a turtle race, Running backward rubbing it in your face, How your a disgrace and you ain't worth the space, wipe the fake smile of your face, bc you were never really important in the first place. So you stop mid flight, look up to realize, Your two steps behind where you were the first time, the tug of that abyss cut your heat strings and overtook your mind. The constant negativity, that expels out of me, like a beam, of self defeating, demeaning, enemy of me, the defeats me and doesn't have to lift a pinky. I beat my self like I'm its bouncer with out an ounce of care, feeling like there's no one out there, except the perfection I've been chasin for the last 20 years, the one that cause me to walk around the house trying to fight every mirror, side step my responsibility to fight all my fears, every night full of tears, bombarded by their laughter and jeers. No Phoenix in me to rise again, The ashes ain't surviving the wind, couldn't humpty dumpty myself no king no men. Tathered and battered by the cost of my sin, Don't know how to fix being less than human, Sitting around listening to music, To drown out the nuisance, Of being useless no need for prudence, Hard to look at it and say haven't been a burden to you, But at least the heart that I gave away was true, Had an underdog pure exuberance to it. Getting stabbed with his heart in his hand, Trying to reach out for you to grab, To show that he matters, Just for you to pull it away and label him chutes and ladders. Because for everyone but him it was game, He wasn't invited to play in, He was just a pawn, to get by until a better player came along. Started as a kid, not wanting to exist, bc the paradoxical abyss, started way back then,looks likes hes finally getting his wish.To fly away to a place where he can just get away, From the sadness and the pain, and funeral music that's playing, and the constant reminder that this life isnt worth it to him, so he decided hes giving in, no more living in, this prison sentence, that he somehow is both the warden and inmate for, see pointless, like a circle, time for me to go, I have some more to feed this black hole before I'm completely consumed ripped apart and torn until I'm so scattered across the galaxy I can never be reborn.
Hey
20 & Over Community / by JustCory88
Last post
 August 3rd
...See more New here just saying hi
Posting issues
Poetry / by JustCory88
Last post
 July 16th
...See more I tried posting one of my poems and it won't let me
My pain
35 & Over Community / by JustCory88
Last post
 July 17th
...See more I wasn't going to share but the lovely woman ZeeTee17 motivated me to. I don't have social skills because from the age of 3 til 15 I lived life in an attic on a bed I wasn't allowed to go outside and play I wasn't allowed out of my room unless it was for school. At school it was no better as far as interactions with other humans go. They made fun of me because my clothes were always dirty and had holes in them and my showed talked when I walked. My stepdad was an alcoholic. Fast forward 5 years I had a son who we named dawson with a woman I was planning on spending the rest of my life with. When he was born she decided she didn't want to be a parent and walked out. It was never an option in my head so I took care of my responsibility and got full custody of him. I then met my wife when I was 20. She had 4 kids with different dad's who none of them were in their lives. I as a brand new parent became a dad to 5 in an instant. I took care of us all she had a bad back. It was a family I had only read in books I didn't think it was an actual thing because up til this point I thought love was only something I felt for people and people couldn't feel for me. I left alot of details out of my childhood because there isn't enough time. But ya for the first time I felt love towards me. Fast forward 7 years. My dad(stepdad) called out of the blue. I hadn't talked to him since we had left when I was 15. He informed me he had cancer again which I learned he had it before beat it and it came back. Without hesitation I drove from Iowa which is where I live to Kansas city, Missouri after work. I spent the last two weeks of his live with him taking care of him in every way imaginable. It healed alot I didn't realize was hurt and I came to the conclusion that it was that he showed love towards me and that's all I ever wanted. Then he died holding my hand looking at me. This overfilled my cup. I broke and I went in a dark place. I didn't realize how I had let things build up inside so bad I thought I was fine. Then came the bad news. It turns out I lost alot more as I lost my dad. I lost what was my wife and the one friend I had during that same time taking care of my dad. She cheated on me with him while i was with my dying dad. I gave her my all. It made me realize that man there must be something really wrong with me because i gave her my absolute best and it wasn't good enough. In my time of mourning, the time I needed someone actually needed someone she turned her back on me. It broke me. I went into a darker place. I damn near lost everything. And ya it just kind of instilled in me that I've had enough of a sample size in my experience with people that statistically people are going to hurt. They hurt more than they don't and if they haven't they will even if it seems like it's impossible. I just invested all of me into my son Dawson. He's my only friend, my every hobby and every bit of free time. I find myself now just kind of wishing I had an adult to talk to, that's not myself preferably 😅. So ya I found this app and I'm giving it a try.
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