My pain

I wasn't going to share but the lovely woman ZeeTee17 motivated me to. I don't have social skills because from the age of 3 til 15 I lived life in an attic on a bed I wasn't allowed to go outside and play I wasn't allowed out of my room unless it was for school. At school it was no better as far as interactions with other humans go. They made fun of me because my clothes were always dirty and had holes in them and my showed talked when I walked. My stepdad was an alcoholic. Fast forward 5 years I had a son who we named dawson with a woman I was planning on spending the rest of my life with. When he was born she decided she didn't want to be a parent and walked out. It was never an option in my head so I took care of my responsibility and got full custody of him. I then met my wife when I was 20. She had 4 kids with different dad's who none of them were in their lives. I as a brand new parent became a dad to 5 in an instant. I took care of us all she had a bad back. It was a family I had only read in books I didn't think it was an actual thing because up til this point I thought love was only something I felt for people and people couldn't feel for me. I left alot of details out of my childhood because there isn't enough time. But ya for the first time I felt love towards me. Fast forward 7 years. My dad(stepdad) called out of the blue. I hadn't talked to him since we had left when I was 15. He informed me he had cancer again which I learned he had it before beat it and it came back. Without hesitation I drove from Iowa which is where I live to Kansas city, Missouri after work. I spent the last two weeks of his live with him taking care of him in every way imaginable. It healed alot I didn't realize was hurt and I came to the conclusion that it was that he showed love towards me and that's all I ever wanted. Then he died holding my hand looking at me. This overfilled my cup. I broke and I went in a dark place. I didn't realize how I had let things build up inside so bad I thought I was fine. Then came the bad news. It turns out I lost alot more as I lost my dad. I lost what was my wife and the one friend I had during that same time taking care of my dad. She cheated on me with him while i was with my dying dad. I gave her my all. It made me realize that man there must be something really wrong with me because i gave her my absolute best and it wasn't good enough. In my time of mourning, the time I needed someone actually needed someone she turned her back on me. It broke me. I went into a darker place. I damn near lost everything. And ya it just kind of instilled in me that I've had enough of a sample size in my experience with people that statistically people are going to hurt. They hurt more than they don't and if they haven't they will even if it seems like it's impossible. I just invested all of me into my son Dawson. He's my only friend, my every hobby and every bit of free time. I find myself now just kind of wishing I had an adult to talk to, that's not myself preferably 😅. So ya I found this app and I'm giving it a try.